[onlyesoteric]'s diary

558961  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-04-22
Written: (5515 days ago)

I dont know what I am to do!!! People say that all teens feel this way at one time or another...But what am I to do about it? There must be something. Right now I am inflicted with lonelyness and sadness and I cannot do anything to help myself. Yes I am hopeless and helpless. But these people...They all get under my skin and eat away at me. Sometimes I make things up in my head without meaning to and then I think that they are real. LIke this boy who makes so many f-ing feelings in me I can't stand it. It's almost too much to be around him anymore. But because of what love I feel I can't not be around him and then I just get angry because whatever it is that I need I can't get. I can't ask for it because I don't know what it is. And sometimes I think that he doesn't feel the same way about me and I know this must be bullshit. Because who would stay with me for so many months without loving me too? But then...why do I have these feelings? Sometimes I begin to questin myself and what is reality and what is sanity.
Sometimes I begin to hurt other people and push away those that are the only ones I have left who could help me. God I wish I wasn't so fucking messed up. I just want to be normal and real again.

550616  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-04-14
Written: (5524 days ago)

Not sure if anyone is listening or cares...but I post anyways. Hopefully no one i know reads all this stuff. Thats partially the main reason i go on here. Anonymity.
Today I feel like shit. My councellor is at a loss i think. I wonder if she'll help me this time? I feel like my relationships and thus my life are falling apart. I dont know how to fix it. I dont know if I believe in God, but if some christian happens upon this I say please pray for me...otherwise I can't do this on my own anymore

547324  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-04-10
Written: (5527 days ago)

Love Lost

Fucking hell. I don't understand anything that has been happening to me. I'm so sad sometimes....Like yesterday was so mcuh fun, but then parts of it....
Me and Evan were on this mad search for mushrooms. We drove EVERYWHERE and did so many things...haha it was so funny and all we wanted was to get high. It took us until 800 until we finally just smoked and watched the sunset laughing at how our mushroom quest had nearly failed. At one point Darren found us at my house and that was extremely lucky on his part because we just happen chance decided to stop in. But anyway. So it felt like, I don't know, awkward because I dont think he wants me and Evan to hang out even though he's with (i think) Karlina.
 So we went with Darren down to the school where a bunch of people were playing basketball. So we pulled up and the had music on in their car and stuff. So i just sat in my car listening to the rave music and lying down in the eat gave me time to start thinking again and thinking just seems to get me into trouble.
  I was thinking about Darren again...and not understanding anything and getting lost and going in circles of thought until I just couldn't take it anymore.
 So I walked over to the swings and just sat there thinking some more and he came over then. He started pushing me and then sat beside me and said I looked so sad and lonely.
 God only knows how sad and lonely I am. I could cry. Especially when right now he's the cause of my lonelyness. I can't beloeve I've left this shit for so long!!! I've felt like this for six months!!! Is that stupid and immature of me? TO hide form my feelings for six months? How can I tell him these things that I'm thinking all the time? I dont think that he'd understand.
 Sometimes I think that this could all get better. But then I remind myself of how I've been waiting six months for things to get better and then I think I should just call this whole thing off. But finality is fatality. I don't know if it's the right decision. But how can sitting here waiting and hurting be right? We said we were gonna try harder, but honeslty I don't see anything changing even if we did try. If the passion's just not in it then it's never going to be. You can't push these things, they just cannot be forced. Now I'm supposed to go hang out with Evan and Lyndsay agaiong but I don't know if that's right either. I wish I had never got involved in these people's lives. I love them too much to keep hurting them.

540479  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-04-03
Written: (5534 days ago)

loooong entry

thinking about music

Making the decision to focus on school work and music is hard, and it's taken a lot of time to do this, but I believe that outcome will see me as a "fitter happier" me. {<-reference to an inspiring song by Radiohead.} The thing is the only things that seem to be getting me anywhere lately are this new thing with the band that me and Justin are working on, and i say "working on" because it definetly is a work in progress, and school work because I can map out the progress I've made and see what all the hard work is doing.

It makes me so excited though to see the amount of support my friends and aquaintances are giving. Like last night I was asked AGAIN! to play this song we're writing, and it seems as though our band, which basically at this moment consists of only two guitar players without a name has already gathered for itself a tiny fan base! I can't believe it. The song, though is progressing strongly is in dire need of a hell of a lot of work and we're open to suggestions. The fact that we are actually doing this is a dream come true for me! In the future I can only guess to what this is leading to.

I 'm getting ready to play at a show in a few weeks! It's the first time I've ever played publically and so stumbling blindly into this is frightening, but exciting. The song I'm singing rocks my socks and I hope everyone else will like what I've put together. I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm ready for this and whatever comes after and so I'm forcing myself to conquer this mountain of fear that has restrained any talent I might have. Playing in the band has helped. So that's what I'm up to. Hopefully this show doesn't turn out to blow or I may have to retire form my non existent singing career. Anyway. Back to practice!

peace !

524825  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-17
Written: (5552 days ago)

I'm upset because the sun has gone away. Sometimes I stand out in the cold and feel the heat of it, stronger and stronger each day and know that the spring is comming. It makes me excited. When I think of the summer I know that this life is worth living . I come alive in the summer.
 Last night I bought some acid. I can see it sitting on the window sill in a tiny sparkling vial.
 Doing acid makes me excited
 In two weeks I'm going with Evan to a rave in Hamilton. There is nothing like the feeling of thinking of these things. If we can't go I think I might cry.
 Now I'm going to go and smoke in my green room.

 Watching the seasons change

522019  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-03-14
Written: (5554 days ago)

It seems I leave for a time and then return. well now Im back again. Cnt promose Ill stay....
Life is cool. I need $5000 dollars Any Ideas? Im buying an appartement! Moving out man.
Im talking to this guy who is in love with me. Fuck off you people!!!!! I cant stand it.
Contemplating the future makes my head hurt.
Im going to go smoke some shit. brb
ooook now Im high so....
I'm supposed to go hang out with Darren. Hmm what should we do today???
Yesterday I went to King street and talked to Lynsay and Summer about shit. Im going to go sing in their cafe!!! Soon Im going to start selling the clothes I make on here. THat'll be cool

498122  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-02-17
Written: (5580 days ago)

Wow I have been gone a very long time now, but I am back. I have been looking at some very enlightening photographs on the internet by a lad named JakeHOwlett I insist all of you photogrphy lovers out there to check him out because he is amazing. This guy sent me a message saying that his friend thinks Darren is hot. {refer to the pic on my main page}
I had to agree. He is amazingly georgeuos. Now I will stop gushing about my bf as you are all probably tired of it and not interested.
So life is neat. Its hard trying to be an aspiring artist. I think Im going to try and pout some of my stuff for sale on the web but that may be hard and a subject for further contemplation. As i have nothing left to say I will say this

468788  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-01-11
Written: (5617 days ago)

Yep nursing myself after a most amazing weekend. Went to see Seven Sided Animal on saturday and man can those guys play. Then slpikot on sunday which as no words to describe. It was amazing, but too bad about Killswitch. Ohwell.

468787  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-01-11
Written: (5617 days ago)

Yep nusing myself after a most amazing weekend. Went to see Seven Sided Animal on saturday and man can those guys play. Then slpikot on sunday which as no words to describe. It was amazing, but too bad about Killswitch. Ohwell.

465373  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-01-06
Written: (5621 days ago)

Need a way to make these days more exciting. Like yeah its not bad. Its just that its not like amazing everyday. Its always the same thing. This weekend is going to be...hoe do you say it? AWESOME!!! Im not going to let it be anything otherwise. Maybe thats the problem. Do i expect too much out of life? I dont believe that is possible. But like school is really really a drag. How do people enjoy schoolwork??? I dont know.... Thinking of this makes my head hurt

457161  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-12-28
Written: (5631 days ago)

a message for unicycle ryder who says my messages dont make sense ;)

ok then lets start over.
tell me abut something you're into or something you did today.
ill tell you a story about things im into. after work today i went to my friend johns house and saw him for the first time in two months. he just got back from a trip to europe. my friends and i are into a little bit of drugs too, so we smoked up and he showed me pictures form athens, greece and italy and france and we talked about things like trip my bf are gonna take in two years to italy and stuff. do you know the band slipknot? well theyre playing around here in a few weeks so we talked about that and we talked about new years.
then my two little friends came and listened to us and john wrote some songs up in europe. now we're both musicians, we both play the guitar. so he played for me and then i started singing and it was the most beautiful moment.
then we watched l led zeppellin cd.
k this was probably a strange message but you asked for soemthing different. i dont know its just my life

455580  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-12-26
Written: (5633 days ago)

Im finding a way to be independant of these people. I need a release, an escape from their clinging emotions. I came here to get away from them, my father and brother. I came to this place of solitude. I had to force my way in...
I opened the door and mt mother came into the room. She was wearing a house coat and in the other room my stepdad was rustling about. She acted as if nothing were wrong, as if i weren't interupted. NOw i dont know where im wanted. I should never have come.
Holy shit i feel like death

 The logged in version 

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