Of all the paths of life I saw
I could choose but only one.
And in my youth and quest for glory
I made my path and followed none.
I searched the forest and plains alike
Not knowing what I was looking for.
And in doing so I lost myself
And my path was mine no more.
I had set out to change the world,
but it was the world that had changed me.
So I am not now the one I was;
I have lost and paid the fee
To this day the search endures
only now inside I'm hollow.
I now only wish to find myself
On the path I refused to follow.
I can feel it coming as though a cloud covers my life. There is one thing in this world I hate, and it is coming. Fear, loathing, anger, sadness and anxiety all rolled into one. Perhaps other men would arm themselves against the dark tides. I know the evil which comes though; better than anyone I know it, and I know that it cannot be defeated. I beg for it to pass over me. I pray every night that when it arrives again that I will be looked over. My pleas fall on the ears of the wicked and my prayers remain unanswered, and so I do the only thing I can. I prepare myself for the torture that will surely arrive. Spend hours thinking of the pain it brings hopeing beyond hope that somehow it will make it hurt less when I reach the hands of the darkness. I fortify my mind to the terror I will see and know again. I practice turning off my emotions for they cannot save me now, and I write an entry that falls on deaf ears.
I sat today outside my room and watched the ants crawl around in the grass. Just sitting there with a cool breeze swaying the grass. It was perhaps the most calming moment I've had in months.
Regardless of what happens today, as long as I am alive tomorrow, I will be happy.