[grayghost]'s diary

1107155  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2010-01-14
Written: (2838 days ago)

Love is fickle it does not care about wants,desires,or needs.Love can raise you up to the highest clouds one minute and then smash you to the ground the next.Love can come apon you as a striking hurling storm or as a soft and gentile summers breese.Love is the ultimate torturer leaving you bloodied and torn or the greatest of pleasures all soft and sweet.Love is the one and only pain that we can neither live with or live without.

1106063  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2010-01-04
Written: (2847 days ago)

This world is not a place to have an open heart! Because an unprotected heart gets stabed and torn asunder by this worlds malevolence. This is not a world to wear your heart on your sleve! The world will wring a heart so tightly that it can no longer pump or beat! In this world of callusness,pain, and strife you may never allow your heart want! This world does not understand or care about a hearts desire! In this world you should not ever give your heart away!The world will dash the heart to the ground and stamp and grind it under it's heals! This world is not a place for a bright, happy, joyous heart! This world is full of sorrow and pain that seeks to darken and crush this unwary,missguilded, nieve heart! This is not a world for a strong, steadfast, courageous heart! this world just saps all the strength and desire from this heart by repetedly striking home deep at it's core with the overwhelming malace and strife that only we humans are capable of.

1106055  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2010-01-04
Written: (2848 days ago)

Hello Louise
       I am Afraid that the wish to be in some fantasy place where the pain of the heart and of the soul is not only the the desire of the young!I to am a fan of fantasy and science fiction.In high school the books with there worlds of adventure were yery much my world.I was escaping the troubles of the real world I needed to.Books do not judge you,they do not hurt you,they do not stab you in the heart and hand it back to you on a plater!I don't know what love is realy.My idea of love being that you always want the best for the people you hold close is so very wrong.That putting the people closest to you before yourself is stupid!Trusting someone totaly and completely no mater what is insane!Helping someone because you can is concidered strange and even crazy!!I WANT LIFE TO STOP HURTING,I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THE HURT ANYMORE!! I DON'T WANT TO TRY ANY MORE! I AM JUST SO VERY TIRED I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANY MORE! I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THE THINGS I DO ANYMORE BECAUSE IT JUST DOESNT MATTER! ITR MAKES NO DIFFRENCE AT ALL! wHY TRY AND BE A GOOD PERSON IN TODAYS WORLD? aLL IT SUCEDES IN DOING IS MAKE EVERYONE SUSPISIOUS AND WONDER WHEN THE TRUE YOU IS GOING TO SHOW ITS SELF! BUT THIS IS ME i TRY AND BE DECIENT,HELP BECAUSE I CAN,SUPORT OTHERS IN THERE TIMES OF NEED,AND GIVE ALL OF MYSELF SO THAT THERE IS NOT MUCH LEFT FOR MYSELF ANYMORE! I WISH I COULD JUST TURN IT OFF AND BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, SELF-CENTERED,UNCARENING,GREEDY,AND SELF IMPORTANT! BUT I CAN'T SO I AM A FAILURE AND THAT IS WHAT I WILL ALWAYS BE! SO GOES MY LIFE!I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GOOD SENCE OF SELF ANYMORE! IT'S DIMINISHED AND DEWINDLED MOST LIKELY NEVER TO RECOVER!SORRY IT IS NOT A GOOD NIGHT

1092523  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2009-08-29
Written: (2975 days ago)

I am not used to writing about me but I need to do something to dig myself out of the emotional hole I am in.There is a huge diffrence between living life and just existing, which is what I am doing.I don't sleep now I been up for as much as three days straight without relief,the other shoe from that is that I will then sleep for 25,30,or even 40 or more hours in a row.I have not intrest in food at all I either eat mechanicly because it's time or not at all. I keep forgeting to take my medications which really screws me up,I have been getting uncontrolable mussel jerks in my arms it looks like I have ms.I havent wanted to leave my appt at all I have no intrest in anything.I don't want to do right now and don't expect anyone reading this to have any magical answers. But I am hopeing that by writing my thoughts down some how I will be able to begin to find answers for myself

1083563  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2009-06-21
Written: (3045 days ago)

this was taken from my friends open diary area. All information has been changed to my own answers.


1) Are you really ready for 119 questions ...
    Not really but here we go.

2) Do you regret your last relationship?
    Yes I do.I feel as if I wasted what limited time I may            have left on the earth

3) Do you believe in God?
     Yes emphaticly!! Unfortunetly for many years I tried to cellabrate JEASUS on my own,Living by the rules and laws as I felt them to be! I am now on a more structured and directed path if not a more dire and personally a much more desperate one to JEASUS.

4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
     To My best friend Karrie Rose.I love her and cherish her as my friend

5) Do you regret it?
     NO! Loveing someone is nothing to regret.But It is what one does with those feelings that lead to regret

6) Have you ever been depressed?
     Yes many many times!

8) Are you a boy or girl?
      I am a boy or actually a man as I would prefer to be called

9) What is your relationship status?
      I am divorced

10) How do you want to die?
      I am more then willing to give my life for a worthy and just cause or happening like for a child for example.As far as normally I would prefer to pass on to the father in a nice gentile and peaceful sleep.

14) When was your last non-physical fight?
       My first and last real “fight” happened withmy ex two weeks ago

15) Do you have an attitude?
      I would hope not. But it is still possible that I do.

16) Ever been in love?
      Yes!

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
      Yes I do

21) Do you miss someone?
      Yes my MOM!

22) Right or left handed?
      Generally left handed, with a little bit of ambidextrosity mixed in”thank GOD for small favores”

23) Do you tan a lot?
      Not really,I do tan some naterallty but I do not go actively seeking to tan. It comes from working outside

24) Have any pets?
      Yes I do.  “Pets Are good for the souls calm” I have five ferrets (Buddy,Eon,Smudge,Sassy,Satin). And one cat Ashley my little warden!  lol

25) How exactly are you feeling?
       Tired ,wornout,exhausted,lost!

27) Ever made out in a bathroom?
       No and never expect to either


28) Would you take any of your exes back?
      No I would never be able to.The special bonds of trust are shattered and unable to be repaired.I would always have a nagging segment of my mind never able to accept that it would never happen again.That is no way to live for anyone

29) Are you scared of spiders?
      Only the big ones. But to be fair I have never handled one either

31) Do you regret anything in your past?
      I regret the majority of my past leading up to this point! I regret not having any major holdings like the three houses I owned and lost due to no fault of my own!I regret a career that I have lost never to be able to work in it again due to illness and the loss of the effective use of my right hand! I regret the time itself for it could have been spent raiseing a family of my own while I was young enough and fit enough to share my loves,passions,ideals, and hobbies with them.And lastly I regret the pain,sorrow,ignorance and nievity, stupidity and foolishness that has created such an Totally insecure,tenitive,repressed,and utterly valueless person such as myself

32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Atempt to clean appt..

33) How many kids do you want?
      As many as I end up with.Children are the life blood of a home, they are the pulse by which all orther things can be measured

34) Ever kissed somebody that name starts with an D?
       Yes. My first wife Darlene.That is unless you ment the dog ;P

35) Do you type fast?
     Nope. I am the master of the hunt and peck

36) Do you have piercings and what are they?
      None.I fully expect never to have the need or desire for any

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
     Yes my MOM.

40) What are you craving right now?
     Food

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
      I have been to a bonfire but I am unsure about a                  Bonfire Party. “Is that why sertian people I know are PYRO’S! “you know who you are! ;D”

43) Have you ever been on a monkey?
     ahhhhhhh? NO!

44) Kissed someone in a lifted truck?
     Yes. My first  wife in my raised blazer

45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
       Not That I have ever been made aware of

47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
       Most likely yes.

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
      I have in the past. I know that I would not now though.

50) What should you be doing?
    eating,

52) Ever liked someone so much it hurt?
       Yes I have. It is an intence situation to deal with


53) Is somebody in love with you?
       I don’t know?I have not seen anything or heard anything, Eventually I hope someone will

54) What is your favorite colour?
gray


55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
       Yes. Changed out of unifom on the way home from training

59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
       No

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
      I do not remember who I phsyicly cried in front of.But I do know that reciently my friend Karrie heard me cry over the phone. “so much for male senceitivity”

64) Who’s the last person you hugged?
      my bestfriend Karrie rose.we had a mutually need hug

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
     It is much easier to forget things and push them to the corner of ones mind,but the problem with that is they always come back to the surface usually at the most unoppertune time

67) What was your childhood nickname?
     I do not really remember having one

68) Are you a good person?
     I like to believe that I am and always have been

69) What was your favorite thing about the past year?
     Bonding with my friends from bible study.They are all very good people althoe I am not sure that they all realize that

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
     I believe that GOD does control things but I also believe that he gives us just enough rope to so called hang ourselves by our own actions. We do the same thing,we have a child trying to put a puzzle together they complain that it is too hard but they haven’t tried yet .do you jump right up and help? No you don’t. the child trys on and starts making some progress but is still strugleing you sit down and start to help,All you wanted was for the child to make an attempt he/she did not have to progress only try.this is how GOD treats us as children wanting us to atleast try first

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Prayed

73) What is bothering you?
     My own sence of worthlessness

74) Have you ever been out of country?
      Canada,Hungry,Germany,Bosnis,Croatia

76) Are you listening to music right now?
      No. The heavy rain outside the window

77) Do you like Chinese food?
      some

79) Are you afraid of the dark?
      NO! Not at all

80) Is cheating ever okay?
     NO!! CHEATING IS NEVER OK! There is no excuse at all for cheating EVER!

81) Are you mean?
     I HAVE MY MOMMENTS


82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
      No not at all. I had cream colored shoes for my last wedding and had a devil of a time keeping sole marks off the top as I steped om then from nerviousness

84) Do you believe in true love?
       Maybe. Love is a vibrant and living thing it changes and flows all the time.So it is nessesary for our love to change as well.If you treat love as something static it will wearout,it fizzles out,You must change or your love dies

88) Do you like the outside?
      I like the outside but I will never ever be in such a state that I am cold with out any way to warm up.

89) Are you currently bored?
     No. I am finding these questions interesting.Having to think through the answers not placeing the first thing that comes to mind but instead seeking the actually truth is a challenge and enlightening

90) Do you wanna get married?
     I have been married twice ,both have tragicly
Ended.But I hold in my heart this small spark off hope that I will be able to over come my hurt when the time comes to recognize my possible next wife.I still hold Marrage sacred to my heart and always will

91) Do you like when a boy calls you babe or baby
   First I am a man. I would never personally use these terms they are vulgar and crude and show disrespect toward then woman

92) Are you hu ngry?
Alittle but I have my crackers



94) Who makes you happy?
   My friends make me happy. My friends Karrie and Sandy have both been GOD sends to me,specialy of late.We can talk about things even some hard things because I know and trust what they will say,I know it is said from experience,and an honest careing for me as a friend. Brad my friend and I can some interesting descusions on things it is definetly something that I enjoy.Mr tom and I are good to go to movies with,and I have enjoyed his shows I have been to so far.

95) Would you change your name?
      I would and have in a way I use my middle name instead of my first.and have dome sofor personal reasons foryears

99) What’s your zodiac sign?
Scorpio.

100) Do you like Subway?
   I am hopeing that I will not mind them :

101) Last person that made you smile?
     miss Karrie rose when I talked to her to night

102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Considering my best friend is my husband, I hope he likes me lol!!

103) What song are you listening to?
     Who I Am by Michael W Smith

104) Whats your favourite show?
    Dr Who

105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
         There have been times when my mood was hostile toward the world and I try to avoid everyone

106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
     I am myself around all my friends,I will never ever change that.putting on aires is not for me I try and be the same simple man I always am

107) Who is the last guy you talked to?
My friend brad

108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
   I really do prefer that someone does not smoke around

109) Do you smoke?
     NO!

110) What’s going on between you and your friend?
      we get out to dinner on fridays

111) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
    Mr Brad

113) Do you enjoy piercings & tattoos?
       Not in the least

114) What do you wear more: jeans, sweats, or shorts?
     Jeans,work boots,t-shirt

115)You are a sharpie marker what color do you prefer to be?
    Bright Yellow so that the important things I am doing or saying can be well seen

116) What are your conversations mostly about right now?
     My journey back to CHRIST,and the bumps I am having along the wqy

117) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Morning.

118) Have you ever said you’d never love again?
No I have never said it outloud,but I have thought it.
Or more to the point the thoughts were more like this.Who in there right mine would ever be able to love me

119) Do you want to make everyone happy?
     Yes I DO!

17453  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2003-03-30
Written: (5319 days ago)
Next in thread: 28224, 39323

i needto crawl into a hole and disapeer again i should never have come back i couldnt even cryfor her! what kind of son am i! nothing ,no good,evil

17452  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2003-03-30
Written: (5319 days ago)
Next in thread: 39318

i am a really evil person i can't be the nice person that everyone thinks i am! i can't be! my mom died because she was helping me!!! the stress killed her and i caused the stress!!! it was me!!! i was away for twenty years and when i get back to together i kill her taking her away from my step-dad and my sisters ! how evil can someone be! now im here with my step dad is it guilt??? i have ruined every thing that i have ever touched in my life ! even my wife knew it maybe she was the smart one because she got while the geting was goood!its true im a usless evil person and i should go somewhere else before i mess up more of ther lives!!!

10885  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2003-02-20
Written: (5357 days ago)

feeling very alone,and very small today! the world feels like it is running like crazy and i can't or won't keep up! i'm not sure which! i feel very hollow in side,empty and unsure!i'm driving myself crazy thinking thsts bad!

7802  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2003-01-25
Written: (5383 days ago)

the days not getting any better!I start wondering what i am going to do because i have lost everything that i had worked for. the house,and every thing else i am giving to her (I DONT WANT IT) it doesn't matter any more! i JUST WANT THE hurt to go away !! I give a damn about people thats my problem ,people around me are telling me to be mean and i can't do it even after what she's done to me!!The woman must have gone crazy,she's emptied the bank accounts,writen bad checks to the toon of 5000 dollers that i know of! started treating her own son and mother like crap!!!(that makes me mad!!) I don't care how she treats me but he family does not deserve to be treated that way!!I hear that shes started drinking ,and very possibly useing drugs,what in the world could have goten into her mind!! "was I that bad to be around" all I tryied to do was make her happy and it seems that i couldent even do that r)ight!(now i just want to break into tears ) but why when she has treated me like so much garbage!!I don't konow what to do any more! the shock and fear are starting to wearoff and i am realizing that there is no place to go home to when i leave here!(that scares me) i HAD BEEN alone for so long be for i met her that im not sure i can do it again! I guess that i just dont under stand woman and probubly never will ,i'll be better off keeping them as friends because everytime i let someone close i always seem to mkess it up somehwo!!! (i must be some sort of jinX)i'M GOING TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MY SELF (easyer said then done)

7800  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2003-01-25
Written: (5384 days ago)

it's been kind of a rough day! why is it there is never any good news when you are away from home. my wife seems to have gotten her self into a lot of trouble, and the sherrifs can't find her to give her the divorce papers!@! I really hate doing this in the first place! but she is the one who decided to leave a week after i was sent away! i CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHAT WAS GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK(BOY HOW STUPID COULD I BE!!) i WISH THAT i Knew what was so wrong with me!!! "*&^$$**&^%!!!". I guess that you can't prove to someone that you love them by trying your best to do for and get them what they would like!!I worked four jobs so that i could pay for the garden,and the car,and everything else that she wanted.(I MUST BE CRAZY!!) she was always accusing me of cheating on her "I wonder if that was just a deffence to cover what she was doing" maybe she just sayed with me to get what she wanted! (i am a fool) i would give and never take anything for myself! to be

7345  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2003-01-23
Written: (5386 days ago)

it's beeen an interesting day. I couldn't wait to get on line and find out what was happening in elftown! I am hopping to meet more people here today!

7159  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2003-01-22
Written: (5387 days ago)

I am finding elftown to be very good for me ! I am not sure that I can explain it but it seems like i am able to express myself more freely and openly!I like it ,it takes the pressure off! I know that that is not the goal of the site but it is helping me. I am also findinf that maybe I can help a few others as well as myself.I love the coversations I never know what I am going to find going on. thats cool! well I have been up for a day and It is time to get some sleep!

7100  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2003-01-22
Written: (5387 days ago)

well it's 1:25 am and I am hanging around elftown!I don't know what time it is for most of the people here.

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