[goneee]'s diary

933580  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-04-24
Written: (4829 days ago)

Yea, so im not exactly a huge fan of writing an online diary that everyone can see.
but, since my myspace was delted..along with my blog, i guesse i could use this as a blog-type-thing.

or, i could just give an update of what's been going on in my life.
this year has been a struggle. When i first came her, i wrote in the diary about a depression i went through 4 months earlier (than the entry.). This year has been a struggle not to fall back into that depression.
any of you who have talked to me, or paid attention to my house in the past couple years have realized that i have/had a best friend who i loved to death. 5 years of friendship with no arguements. Well, she met this guy last year and started dating him, they broke up. that was the end of it. Well, they started dating again this year. he hates me. Which is odd because, i used to be really cool with him. His best friend is a girl named summer--who happened to be my best friend next to jaime. Well, because he is a selfish jerk...He started running his mouth about me, and claiming that i was a lesbian and i had a crush on jaime and that i was tyring to steal her from him (aparrently, when she ditched me for him and lied to me about it, oh lets say--for the 50th time, and i got upset about it--well, aparrently that meant i was gay. Yes, he's a real jerk.) And, he started going around spreading the rumor about how i was an obsessive lesbian and blahblahblah. And, he also made me look like the bad person, like i was spreading lies about him or something. I got revenge by letting it slip to one of his friends' moms that he smokes pot and drinks (that's true..so, i wasnt lying). And he got really ticked, told everyone he knew, and neglected to tell them about allt he stuff he did to me. As a result, all his friends hate me. Before that though, i found out that summer (his best friend, my 2nd best)was talking crap about me too, because she has this huge thing for aaron. So, i stopped talkign to her. i dont put up with other ppl's crap. i dont let ppl talk about me and and stay friends with me. Losing summer was really hard. She was the only one i had left. Becasue, through everything aaron did, jaime stood by his side, she agreed with everything he said. She pretended like i was still her friend and treated me like crap. i kept trying to get out of the friendship and telling her that i was done with her crap--but she would cry and say stuff like "you cant leave me!youre my best friend!i love you". it was all fake. 

This year, i lost my two best friends.
and gained alot of enemies.
Im stressed out and broken-hearted.
i cant wati for the school year to be over so that i can get away from aaron and all the crap he says about me.
1 guy decided that he wanted my friends to himself, and in order to get them, he destroyed my life. I guess im better off without them, i guess they werent real friends anyway. but, that doesnt make it hurt any less.
i cant just forget everything.
i can only remembe all the good and then bawl my eyes out thinking of what i lost. 
this year has sucked. bad.

But, im tyring to keep my head up, and stay focused on my grades and family. There are a few friends who have stuck around, and that means more to me than anything else.

i guesse basically--i had a horrible sophmore year, trying to keep my friends. in the end, i lost them. Now im being tortured. Now, im going to kick some ass. And then, after i do that..im finishing off the school year liek the honor student i am. And then, im forgetting about all those ppl and moving on. yay for me.

p.s. yes, i really am kicking ass. because the next time aaron opens his mouth to me, i am decking him in the face.
i know that im a girl, but i also know that i can fuck somebody's world up if they fight me. This is me being concieted, this is me being honest.


anyway--gimme some love, i could use it.
im not depressed guys, im happy all things considered. i just need some help moving on.

but, i think im doing pretty darn good. :]]


lovetoall.

        <3Mae

653624  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-25
Written: (5436 days ago)

its no wonder ii feel insecure..so many ppl dont notice me becaus ei wont let them...i say im outgoing ad fun..i am fun..but only to the friends i already have..in truht im not that outgoing..i keep to myself..i dont like taking risks, and im shy when it comes to guys..maybe if i loosened up ppl would like me more...ii dont know whats wrong with me..its like ive locked myself up over the years and now the binds are too strong, and i cant let myself go...my parens are partially to blame..THEy wont let me go either..im not that social because i have no life..other than on the street i live on..im not allowed to walk around or ride my bike anywhere other than up and down my street..im 14 yrs. old and they treat me like a baby..they really need to lossen up a bit and realize im turning fifteen this year not 5....these are supposed to be the best years of my life..instead im cooped uo and afraid of leting go..and having a little bit of fun and too scraed to rebell......somebody help me..cuz im about to suffocate and if i dont do that then im going lose my mind....

645562  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-08-14
Written: (5448 days ago)

wow..its been forever since i wrote in here....but o well, here goes..time to let it all out..show ppl(who care), how i really feel....

  about 4 months ago i was suffering...suffering from depression..or at least what i thought was depression..it lasted for what seemed like eternity...my self esteem was as low as possible, though i didnt care what others thought of me.it seemed that no one noticed me..like i was invisble, and no one even cared..i had no one to talk to..i still have no one to talk to, i dont know what snapped me back into reality..but something did..and for that i am greatfull....
it used to be that i was always angry or sad or even emotionless,where i felt nothing..i would break down and cry for no particular reason...just cuz all the pain, all the rage was bubbling up inside...i just couldnt take it..i wanted out, but i had no escape..so it went on and on..me...suffering, it was as if everybody was moving on..everyone but me..they were all flashing on by while i stood still, frozen in time and scared of change....i contanly wrote in my journal..or wrote down poems and song expressing my feelings...i share them with no one....they're mine to look back on and to reflect upon..to remember how i felt...there for a while i did become VERY concerned about what others thought of me..i hated myself and the way i looked..at first i tried to stop eating..my parents wouldnt let me though..so i would eat a little at dinner but never anything else..but then i just gave up and realized there was nothing wrong with me..the ppl who didnt like me were the ones with the problems....now..im just me..crazy,outgoing,fun,i luv to be with friends and family as much as possible, and im happy...finally happy...sumtimes i still sink back into it..i feel alone..or unimportant..but im way happier and ive realized that im NOT alone..and that no matter what i am who i am..and i cant expect others to like me or to except me until i learn to like and except myself....and slowly i have..i finally know who i am and who i want to be later on in life.....im happy just being the one and only....Tammy mae hall...lol

608546  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-06-26
Written: (5497 days ago)

the guys here rock!

596966  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-06-13
Written: (5510 days ago)

yea..lots more new freinds...alot of the guys on here on really sweet...especilly my buddy wyldemanx(charles) who is awesome and disturbed youth, dan...he's awesome too and i love it that both of them like rock cuz they're just cool like that. then theres sexgod#1 he's really good looking but remember girls, looks arent everything he seemed nice at first and when i dint tell him my bra size he quite talking to me, so dont let him be seductive

596883  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-06-12
Written: (5510 days ago)

wow1only my second day here and ive got lots of cool freinds already, like jeff (im not okay), olwe carnesir, and best of all...the awesome.....th eone and only...wyldemannx aka charles who in my opinion happens to be the cutest , and sweetest guy on here;) this place is awesome!

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