[SweetChaos]'s diary

937965  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-05-08
Written: (4487 days ago)

Here's a poem I wrote the other day.
I was just in the writing kind of mood.
The first four stanzas are based on my life,
and the rest are from things people might experience
throughout their life.

Initials.


I look out my window into the world of today,
And all I can seem to think about is how it was, back then..
I see tea parties, building forts, and finger painting...on the walls.
I hear laughter, I see joy, I feel loved.


I notice one tall tree, standing alone in the front yard.
And all I can seem to think about is how it was, back then.
I see a girl swinging in a tire swing, my first set of fake nails, and cupcake fights in Girl scouts.
I hear laughter, I see joy, I feel loved.


On that lone tree, I notice a scar in the bark,
And all I can seem to think about is how it was, back then.
I see the first puff of marijuana, second bottle of vodka, and a girl trying to escape him.
I hear crying, I see pain, I feel betrayed.


And that scar is not so much a scar, as it is initials.
And all I can seem to think about it how it was, back then.
I see my first true love, weeks of rehab, and some therapy.
I hear admissions, I see hope, I feel relieved.


Those initials seem to be ours.
And all I can seem to think about is how it was, back then.
I see my final true love at the alter, a private wedding of few, and one kiss.
I hear bells, I see tears, I feel happy.


With those initials came more initials.
And all I can seem to think about is how it was, back then.
I see the test, the doctor rushing into the room, and the new baby boy.
I hear congratulations, I see diapers, I feel exuberant.


And as time passed, those initials grew.
And all I can seem to think about it how is was, back then.
I see scraped knees, the first day of school, first winning baseball game, and graduation.
I hear cheers, I see joy, I see pain, I feel proud.


Our initials faded, and with time, those made their own.
And all I can seem to think about is how it was, back then.
I see grandchildren, tea parties, building forts, and finger painting...on the wall.
I hear laughter, I see joy, I feel loved.


And then I looked in from the window, out of the world today.
And all I can seem to think about is the love surrounding me now.
I see tubes, white walls, nurses telling them it's okay, and crying loved ones.
I hear calling, I see light, I feel loved.
I am gone.

890555  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-12-24
Written: (4623 days ago)

Oh. My. Gawd. So, this guy that I know, right? Well, his name's like..Justice. Almost. Anyways. Ch'yeah. He [ so ] told me that he loved me...and I said that I loved him, back. But, I don't think that I do, I mean...I'm pretty sure that I don't, maybe..I'm confused, seersly. And now, on like...everything...He's putting "Stacey's Bitch" and such. And now, I'm like completely freaking out...because I [ so ] can't hurt this guy, He's the uber sweetest, no joke. I feel so bad. =( But I still love this other guy...The one whom my past rants have been about. -Sigh.- I hate myself right now. No, I refuse to slit my wrists. Go cry elsewhere. Rawr. <3 Like, woah.

875791  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-11-17
Written: (4660 days ago)

Forget me. Forget everything that reminds you of me. Forget my eyes. Forget my smile. Forget my tears. Forget the smell of my hair. Forget the feeling of my head on your chest. Forget the words that we've exchanged.

I'll forget you. I'll forget everything that reminds me of you. I'll forget your eyes. I'll forget your smile. I'll forget the tears that I cried just for you. I'll forget the way you used to breathe me in whenever we were close, like the times with my head on your chest. I'll forget that I ever said, "I love you", and the way that my heart felt whenever you said them back.

I guess that I'm trying to say that I'll erase you. One day. Not tonight. I look back to Emily; you know the poem. If you get this, let me know.

How the fuck do I tell how I really feel? Can anyone out there answer this for me, or are you all just as in the dark as I am?

I've always said that I love you, but I'm starting to become numb to you. This can't be love, can it? Love is supposed to be something...Well, I can't describe it. Good luck if you can.

Am I falling out of love with you? I think that I'm just hurt. Yes, hurt. By you. I never thought that I would say that. But this time, it was your fault. 

You just expected me to take you back, like I always do. You didn't say that you were sorry. You didn't say that you were wrong. You know what you said? "My God, your eyes are beautiful. I never realized how gorgeous you are." This time, I didn't want to hear sweet words from the lips that hurt me not so long ago. I wanted to hear you say that you love me. That you were sorry that you hurt me. Anything but a comment on my looks. Did you even know that you hurt me?

You ridiculed me. You put me down. You called me names. You insinuated at how stupid you think that I am.

And yet, here you are. Once again telling me that you love me. Like everything's back to normal, but is it? Do you really think so? You broke my heart, and I wonder if you even care.

I think I love you, still...but I need you to show me that you do really love me...

868032  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-10-27
Written: (4680 days ago)

   If you're reading this--which you're not, I know--I love you. Do I sound emo when I say those words? Would you sound emo if you said them back? No. No, you wouldn't. Not to me. They can label us all they want; We're not going to change, you and I, for the likes of anyone. Or would you? What? You did! For her. You left me for her. But it's really the fact that you lied...that's what hurts the most. What's that? You want to come back? Why? I'm too "pretty", remember? Did I get uglier over the past two weeks? Am I ugly enough to date, now? But I will take you back, I always do. And I'll just leave, saying this to you, because it's how I've always felt..."I still love you."

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