[Sideways]'s diary

1170490  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2017-10-12
Written: (4 days ago)

There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests

Murder now the pattern, must we?
Just because the Son has come?

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?!
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?

1170478  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2017-09-28
Written: (18 days ago)

<img:stuff/aj/181888/1506558329.jpg>

1170446  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2017-08-27
Written: (50 days ago)

Oh, I'm a slave, and I am a master
No restraints, or unchecked collectors

I exist through my NEED
To self-oblige
SHE is something in ME

That I despise

I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me

I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real
I can't make her real
She isn't real
I can't make her real

1170439  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2017-08-19
Written: (58 days ago)

You believed in me
You conceived of moments I would not see
So what have I done?
To be son to an Angel
What have I done?

Broken, and opened,
What have I done
To be worthy?

Daylight dims leaving only cold flourescene
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this selfish question:
But what am I supposed to tell these ghouls tonight?

She never told a lie?
Maybe told a lie,
But never lived one.

So it's all right now
It's time for us all to let you go

1170437  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2017-08-18
Written: (59 days ago)

This is what I want as the epitaph on my tombstone. If I ever generate the sort of quote people make posters of, with my ugly face looking stoic in black and white, it would read:

"When everything is information, lying is the ultimate Evil.
Stop. Fucking. Lying."
-Darran Kern.

And thought the "fucking" part may seem crass, the world can be such a sickly thing, and falsehoods such a cancer, that the disgust and revulsion articulated by a "fucking" is entirely appropriate, and deserves no censor.

1170427  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2017-08-12
Written: (65 days ago)

Sometimes I'm sick of people. There is only four people I trust in this world. And I hate trusting people. Some of the people I've trusted in the past are just people I don't know anymore. But most people I've ever trusted have stabbed me right in the fucking heart. So I stay away from people, and keep my world vanishingly small. It's lonely but it's traitor free. Just sucks that that's the choice I've had to make, because most people I've ever met are vain, selfish, greedy, egotistical fucks. And I hate them. I don't obsess about it. Not like I did when I was young.

It's a very odd feeling, to realize you have gone a whole day without speaking aloud, or talking to anyone. You think
Why don't I have more friends?
and then you remember
Because people are fucking scum.

It's not really healthy to think about people like Daniel Plainview does, or Rorshach.

But really, I don't know how I can ever develop a tolerance for all these... "people."

1170413  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2017-07-20
Written: (88 days ago)
Next in thread: 1170416

See You, Space Cowboy...

Everybody remembers that one. Everybody likes it. It's bittersweet way to send off a bebop. But nobody rememberes the real ending. Which is the real way it went, the real fate of those who sing the blues.

YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT

1170402  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2017-07-09
Written: (99 days ago)
Next in thread: 1170417

"Wretched," said the man staring at his own reflection.

This is the nightmare that keeps every man awake at night

1170348  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2017-05-03
Written: (166 days ago)

<img300*0:stuff/aj/181888/1493796339.jpg>

Orange and black, take me back to Halloween
I've given to the blind, you can see
Gasoline runs thru my veins
So don't you mess with me
I couldn't tame that beast with a handful of meat!

Just wait till my robe falls at my feet
Cold and dilated like my memories
Strange voices in my head
Who could they be?
It's the master of disguise, and he's breaking me

You will find spirits never rise
Without warning
Feel your fate, as you come alive
They're here to take you home

Crashing through the walls
You're the one I want to see!
Bent all up on a moon-soaked night
Death is riding with me

Dripping blood with hell froze at my feet
Use a razor blade to cut some lines
And now I'm going to speed!

You will find spirits never rise
Without warning
Feel your fate as you come alive
They're here to take you on

1170298  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2017-03-20
Written: (210 days ago)

We carried on unnoticed, thinking that
All dreams were ours for the taking.
And out of that we found ourselves
Back at the start of it all,
So scarred and incomplete!

Only; now I've come to this moment in my life
Fitting pieces to a puzzle, with no regrets...
But if I had just one chance left?

I'd hold on to it close,
With what little confidence I have! And
Make no mistake,
As your life's surely about to change for the better

Now on your mark, get set, clock starts to count...
Cuz Higen, everything's about to go down!

So sleep tight, sweet Hitome
Cuz when your daddy goes off, just you know:
That you're the weight of his anchor!
The love that is guiding him home!
The love that's guiding him home.

Oh, I've had my share of leaving this retreat, but never did it once
Feel anything like you, you see?

And if there's one good thing that comes from my ways,
It's that you won't be anything like me!
And so better for it, you will be!

So sleep tight, sweet Hitome!
Cuz when your daddy goes off, just you know;
That you're the weight of his anchor!
The love that is guiding him home!
The love that's guiding him home!
The love that's guiding him home!

There's no running away from what's been done here.
Will you sink with the ship?
Or will you burn it down?
Now give us the man that you've been hiding!
Cuz this is is it!
This is your life now!
This is your life now.


1170281  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2017-03-05
Written: (225 days ago)


Last night I saw that Beauty Queen
Watched her paint her face on
I wanna be that magazine
That she bases life on...

I wanna waste her monthly blood,
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some Gasoline
And burn her house down!

She’s got nothing to say,
She’s got bills to pay,
She’s got no one to hate
Except for me...

Last night I saw that Beauty Queen
She's getting high on Revlon.
I wanna be that magazine
That she wastes her life on

Wanna waste her monthly blood,
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some Gasoline
And burn her house down!

She’s got nothing to say
She’s got bills to pay
She’s got no one to hate
Except for me...

ME.

Last night, I saw that Beauty Queen
Watched her paint her face on
I wanna be the one, unclean
That she wipes her ass on

Wanna waste her monthly blood,
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some Gasoline
And burn her house down!

She’s got nothing to say,
She’s got bills to pay,
She’s got no one to hate
Except for me.

She's got nothing but shame
She takes pills for pain
She's got no one to blame
Except for me
For me.


https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=0OVAdpc-tH4

1170253  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2017-02-07
Written: (251 days ago)

For Rc, a batman song

<https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=7ftUzydGNh0>

When you've gone about things all wrong, Bury them here
With a lifetime you would never regret.
In savoring sleep, what do you mean?
I toss and turn everywhere?

I'll miss you when you're gone, With pretending that
you weren't the world to me...
With that you'd call me a liar,
And in making mistakes, you'll rest incomplete

~I will be home~
In graver mistakes,
Dear mom and dad, I'll write you
In this letter that states
"I'll be moving on..."
When the new day's begun
Forget your son when he's out on his own...

When the hand reads 7:30 and your night begins to sink
In a short, but faster fall
In your anxious but calm retort
To a mirror that frames your face, baring the finest tell..

When the day begins to break, like the tears that run across your cheek!
Stand straight and imagine you then...
In the things and the way they could have been!

When the thoughts, they race across your brain
Here in the Never-end

~I'll be home~
In graver mistakes, dear mom and dad,
I'll write you in this letter that states
"I'll be moving on."
When the new day's begun,
Forget your son, when he's out on his own


Point your gun in another direction!
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep
Point your gun in another direction!
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep, here buried there,
After the fall!


~Further along now~
When he's found figuring, "will he be home again?"
~Signal loss and stereo~
With wide open windows, will she be waiting for me?

~The sound surrounds like novocaine~
With severance complacence when the day's dark, cold and dead!
~This dead man is waiting for you~

We'll write her a letter, in the long time passing by!

~I'll be home~
In graver mistakes, dear mom and dad,
I'll write you in this letter that states
"I'll be moving on."
When the new day's begun,
Atone for this son, when he's out on his own

Point your gun in another direction!
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep
Point your gun in another direction!
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep, here buried there,
After the fall!


After it ALL, Now I swear!
I'll be moving on!

1170211  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2017-01-10
Written: (279 days ago)

<img400*0:http://s3.favim.com/610/140715/bambi-black-blue-brain-Favim.com-1916590.jpg>
You keep your riches and
I'll sew my stitches,
You can't make me
think like humankind!

I've got a message for
all those who think that They
can etch words inside my brain!
     My brain...


TV, what do I need?!
Tell me who to believe!
   What's the use of autonomy
When a button does

 it all...
When this lil button does it all?

So listen up,
Glisten up closely all
Who've seen this fucking eye-ache, too.
It's time to step away
From the cable train

And when we finally see the subtle light,
This quirk in evolution will begin
To let us live and recreate!
    To create, again....


TV, what do I need?
Tell me who to believe!
  What's the use of autonomy,
When a button does it all?

TV, what do I see?
Tell me, who should I be?
Lets do our mom a favor
and drop our new god
off a wall....

Let me see past these fatuous cocks!
I've gotta rid myself of this Idiot Box!
Let me see past the feathers and flocks,
Help me plant a bomb in this Idiot Box!


From the depths of the sea,
To the tops of the trees
To the seat
of a Lazy Boy,
Staring at the silver screen;

TV, what do I need?
Tell me who to believe!
  What's the use of autonomy,
When a button does it all?

TV, what do I see?
Tell me, who should I be?
Lets do our mom a favor
and drop our new god
off a wall....


1170201  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2016-12-25
Written: (295 days ago)

MERRY CHRISTMAS

1170029  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2016-09-22
Written: (389 days ago)

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=KKaNiTDAsBw

A universe to fill

Can't scratch the surface, now
A slow pay
 still,
while everyone's watching


It's like I'm real tired of the clones...
I'm real tired of the clones.


Whatever you say!


Bring me a light

Make my life worth something more

Show me a light!

Bring a light!


Where's the space I fill?

Where's the sympathy I kill?

I need to find a meaning

I'm useless!

Trapped inside my own web


Whatever you you say!

Bring me a light
Make my life worth something more
Show me a light!
Bring a light!

When I'm alone
I stare at nothingness
It's a painful silence
And painful silence kills

Whatever you say!

Bring me a light
Make my life worth something more
Show me a light!
Bring a light!

1169970  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2016-08-18
Written: (424 days ago)

The thing about hapiness is...
You only really know you had it when it's gone.
You may think to yourself that you're happy but, uh...
You don't really believe it.

You focus on the petty bullshit. The next job, or whatever.
It's only by looking by looking back,
By comparison with what comes after,
That you really understand:

That's what happiness felt like.

1169907  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2016-06-16
Written: (487 days ago)

Sometimes this is the hardest thing. That I'm so sorry for everything, and those I'm sorry for hurting don't need me to be. They've moved on, and I haven't.

1169856  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2016-04-29
Written: (535 days ago)

For Rc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kwz4OEk1eM

<img333*0:http://orig15.deviantart.net/d439/f/2009/047/e/c/the_dark_tower_by_luke314pi.jpg>



I hate
everything I am becoming
This change is torture!

There is never enough to give
Only plenty to take,
and this I wage--

When the ground parts from below
Will it feel so?
How can I gain from another, when the other goes?

This hand,
    This hurt,
        My heart


I'll flirt with disaster,
Just know now, man
The deal is off!

I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch
Around the grip of this knife

These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer

The worst these worlds will see.


Mercy!
Please leave her just a little bit longer
She's all my world!

My love, I apologize!
With that you will see the end of days,
Just rest assured.

And they won't let her go! And I remain so
Alone, to work out a clever
Way to get her home


I will
   Do what
       I must


I'll flirt with disaster,
Just know now, boy
You're out of luck!

I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife

These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer
The worst these worlds will see


Oh, save me from defeat again!
This is war...

Murder the one so close!
While she trusts, you curse
"DIE my darling!"


If only you'd known
Just how lovely you glow
In the Flame of error

Oh, I ask too much
Please turn back the clock,
And take me instead!!


How have you come to lose
The only thing,
The other 1 to your 2?

I've become
the wrong
in everyone's dream!

Please burn me, oh God!


I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife

These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer
The worst these worlds will see.


Oh, save me from defeat again!
This is war..

Murder the one so close!
While she trusts, you curse
"DIE, my darling!"

I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife

These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer
The worst these worlds will see


Oh, save me from defeat again...

1169801  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2016-03-19
Written: (576 days ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ylzqrVbGCQ
(for a certain friend, maybe she knows who)

Somewhere, I put it away within, huh,
yeah, I felt bad when you were lookin' around, and I am
  Not worried, you gonna waste your time, and ya did
 Oh, you got a long way to climb. And I say
You hafta wanna change your mind a little
 So just admit, I get all of the fun

And I'm a Wildman, Wildman yeah
  you see me going for a ride now

A shame, I don't wanna put up with it, nuh huh
 yeah, I moved on, and you were stickin' around for what?
  All
     this
       bull
         shit
          you
         say
        when
      you're
     up
   set
    

You're sinkin' but you're certain
 you're not drowning, and I
I am the man that has been pullin' you down under

I'm a Wildman, Wildman yeah
  you see me goin' for a ride now

Buried?
I've been waiting for my mouth to make sense
I can make it on my own
I can't be
Buried!
I've been waiting for my mouth to make sense...

    

1169796  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2016-03-09
Written: (586 days ago)

I awoke in a room that was
Occupied by those about to die
For my sleep was disturbed by
The sound of old mens' cries for help
What's this place? What the hell am I
Doing here? What's happened to me?
and I'm
Wondering what kind of state my
Mind and body's in!

"Be calm please lay back
We will help you
Rest for a while..."

And I yelled "No you don't!
I'm not going to sleep!"
I've just gotta get my body out of here!
I pushed the bottle down,
Away from my face!
But felt the needle stab, like a spear...


As my legs started shaking the
Room revolved around my clouded head
And the floors rushing up just to greet me...
Laying there on my back as the
Ceiling flies away up from me
Was I finally losing my hold on reality?

Be calm, take this pill
We will help you
Rest for while...

And I yelled "No you don't!
I'm not going to sleep!"
I've just gotta get my body out of here!
I pushed the bottle down,
Away from my face!
But felt the needle stab, like a spear...

1169751  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2016-01-02
Written: (653 days ago)


It doesn't matter what I say...
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel I'll convey...
Some inner truth, or vast reflection

But I've said nothing so far..
And I can keep it up, for as long as it takes.
And it don't matter who you are...
If I'm doing my job, then it's your resolve that breaks.

Because the Hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie.
The Hook brings you back.
On that you can rely!

There is something amiss...
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this!
Still my confession draws you near

To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago.
And no matter how much Peter loved her,
What made the Pan refuse to grow?

Was that the Hook brings you back.
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The Hook brings you back!
On that you can rely...

Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin, or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin
To see what you're doing to me,
This MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me, So desperately I sing to thee of

Love, Sure!
but also rage, and hate, and pain, and fear of self!
And I can't keep these feeling on the shelf
I've tried! Well no, in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside

To hide, or slide, I'll do as I'll decide!
and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide by this tide
Of catchy little tunes, and hip three-minute-ditties.
I wanna bust all your balloons, I wanna burn of all your cities to

The Ground
But I found
I will not mess around!
Unless I play, then hey, I will go on all day.
And when I say I have a prayer to pray,
That's really all this was!
And when I'm feeling stuck, and need a buck
I don't rely on luck, because


The Hook brings you back!
I ain't tellin' you no lie!

The Hook!
On that you can rely!
 The logged in version 

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