[SiC_BoY]'s diary

588760  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-06-02
Written: (5990 days ago)
Next in thread: 589047, 600795

A sad story about family...


Well, for the first time I think I'm really opening up about my sister Amber...She's my oldest biological sister, and the person who pretty much raised me from when I was born till about twelve when she up and left our family. She was a meth addict and that I guess is why I hold such a fucking grudge about the shit...Well, my sister and her boyfriend just up and left one day. I haven't heard from my sister in three, almost four years you know...It really hurts knowing that the person that raises you could give two fucks of a shit less about what happens to you. I know it's the meth and shit but hell, you would think that someone so close to you could fight something like that for you, but they can't. Meth can seriously fuck people over, not really the people doing it, but little brothers who need the sister that they loved, mothers who need their child, sisters who need their first friend, and children whose mothers have not been there for a good portion of their lives. All n' All I just hate what happened to my family, I wonder why it had to be my sister of all people...I guess deep in my soul it's part of why I'm so fucked up, the fact that I'm not going to see my sister again has a deep affect on my soul...I can tell myself I hate her, I don't love her, I don't wanna know her but I think deep down I miss my sissy...

500746  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-02-20
Written: (6093 days ago)

Yawn... says:
Hey...not busy are you?


Dead Ducky! says:
not that the moment, why?


Yawn... says:
Just miss talking to you


Dead Ducky! says:
oh... kk...


Yawn... says:
Unless you'd rather not


Dead Ducky! says:
my car makes me happy.


Yawn... says:
very cool


Dead Ducky! says:
I'm going to get license plates that say "WLDTHNG"
Yawn... says:
lol


Yawn... says:
Sounds like you


Dead Ducky! says:
I know! Isn't it great?!


Yawn... says:
Hells yeah


Dead Ducky! says:
I was driving home from work the other night, singing that at the top of my lungs, and I thought WHOA!! THOSE WOULD BE GROOVY LICENSE PLATES!
Yawn... says:
lol


Yawn... says:
I'm almost 16...scary, you agree?


Dead Ducky! says:
holy shit.


Dead Ducky! says:
I'll be 21 at the end of this year...


Dead Ducky! says:
scary shit...


Dead Ducky! says:
we're getting old, Mark


Yawn... says:
Yeah, I know


Dead Ducky! says:
I work with one of yours and Miles' friends...


Dead Ducky! says:
I don't remember her name for the life of me..


Yawn... says:
Logan?


Yawn... says:
or Danielle


Dead Ducky! says:
I just knew she looked familiar for some reason, and then she turned to me the other day and asked if I'd spoken to you and Miles recently... and I was like... whoa...


Dead Ducky! says:
the one that works at Center Partners


Dead Ducky! says:
in Post Falls


Yawn... says:
Crazyness


Dead Ducky! says:
so u at home?


Yawn... says:
No, unfortunatley


Dead Ducky! says:
oh?


Yawn... says:
I'm at my dads


Dead Ducky! says:
oh...


Dead Ducky! says:
you have the 'net at your mom's?


Yawn... says:
I had to go to the hospital last night...


Dead Ducky! says:
why?


Yawn... says:
No, I wish


Yawn... says:
I'd never leave home


Dead Ducky! says:
wait... I thought you were never going to your dad's again...


Yawn... says:
I got hurt at the papa roach show


Yawn... says:
Soo...yeah


Yawn... says:
I ended up here


Dead Ducky! says:
huh


Dead Ducky! says:
straing.


Dead Ducky! says:
strange


Yawn... says:
yeah


Yawn... says:
So, going to hang out on my birthday this year?


Dead Ducky! says:
what day of the week does it fall on?


Dead Ducky! says:
if I'm still living here in Idaho, sure, as long as I don't have to work...


Yawn... says:
Hmmmm...


Yawn... says:
Would be nice to see you, considering your going away


Dead Ducky! says:
yeah. I'm looking at moving to Florida


Dead Ducky! says:
I'm going down there later this month to see some friends... while I'm there, I'm going to hunt around a bit, and see what's available down there as far as employment and shit.


Yawn... says:
cool cool


Dead Ducky! says:
yup yup...


Dead Ducky! says:
so much warmer down there...


Dead Ducky! says:
and they have a Sea World


Yawn... says:
yeah


Yawn... says:
It'll be sad when your gone


Yawn... says:
Feels like i'm losing everyone I love all at once


Dead Ducky! says:
I'm sorry! *sniffle* I just have to get away from here... I'm going crazy... my family is trying to stifle me from Athol!


Dead Ducky! says:
hey... I want to get pierced...


Yawn... says:
yeah


Dead Ducky! says:
are you in Spokane?


Yawn... says:
Yeah


Dead Ducky! says:
*sigh*


Yawn... says:
Sorry


Dead Ducky! says:
I don't want to try getting my car out there...


Dead Ducky! says:
scary shit


Yawn... says:
I suggest my piercer


Yawn... says:
if you do get a piercing


Yawn... says:
He's Really really cool


Dead Ducky! says:
I'm trying to decide between my nose and my eyebrow for now


Yawn... says:
And good at his job


Yawn... says:
eyebrow


Yawn... says:
everyone has nose


Dead Ducky! says:
I also plan to get two more in the ears...


Yawn... says:
Be individual


Dead Ducky! says:
I will get both eventually


Dead Ducky! says:
I'm also thinking about the lip... like in the middle


Dead Ducky! says:
just a stud.


Dead Ducky! says:
and my left nipple


Yawn... says:
hmmm


Dead Ducky! says:
my tongue again... took the first one out when I got into an accident and they wanted to take an X-ray...


Yawn... says:
cool cool


Dead Ducky! says:
and my belly again...


Dead Ducky! says:
and possibly my... *ahem*


Yawn... says:
hmmmm


Yawn... says:
Clit rings don't hurt asbad as cock rings from what I heard


Yawn... says:
I'm getting mine back in


Dead Ducky! says:
*blink*


Yawn... says:
yeah


Yawn... says:
I had one put in


Yawn... says:
Was pretty awsome


Dead Ducky! says:
wow...


Yawn... says:
wow what?


Dead Ducky! says:
that's crazy


Yawn... says:
why?


Yawn... says:
lol...whats so weird?


Dead Ducky! says:
you're my little brother!


Dead Ducky! says:
ugh!


Yawn... says:
lol...I'm surprised you still think of me as a little brother.


Yawn... says:
Oh...I have normal hair now


Dead Ducky! says:
oooh... nice...


Yawn... says:
I dress normal for the most part


Yawn... says:
It's sad


Dead Ducky! says:
*blink* what happened?


Dead Ducky! says:
what have you done with Mark?


Yawn... says:
I got tired of trying to be different...When in all reality we all know that I'm not


Dead Ducky! says:
haha... the irony...


Yawn... says:
I'm just another person in a crowd


Dead Ducky! says:
I'm starting to go gothic more... and you're going normal... that's fucking hillarious.


Yawn... says:
Not the spikey haired, leather bearing, freak I love being
Yawn... says:


I dunno...I almost got charged with another suicide attempt


Yawn... says:
So, after that I just got even more depressed


Dead Ducky! says:
and went normal...


Yawn... says:
I can try to explain if you like


Dead Ducky! says:
I think you'd only confuse me more


Dead Ducky! says:
oh hey.. .how's mom?


Yawn... says:
Lets put it like this, I'm tired of people hating me, so I'd rather not be noticed at all. Makes life easier with out people telling you everyday that you should kill yourself


Dead Ducky! says:
((btw... my phone is disconnected...))


Dead Ducky! says:
oooh...


Yawn... says:
Yeah


Yawn... says:
I dunno, I'm hoping one day I can be myself in peace, but it's doubtful


Yawn... says:
For now i'll stay my drug abusing, self mutilating, alchoholic, "normal" self


Dead Ducky! says:
once you get out of high school.... life is easier... people stop caring how you are and how it'll affect THEIR social standing


Yawn... says:
Yeah, thats two, almost three years


Yawn... says:
Though, I'm thinking of dropping out next year


Dead Ducky! says:
yeah... but it goes by faster than you know


Dead Ducky! says:
don't you dare.


Dead Ducky! says:
I'll personally kill you.


Yawn... says:
Meh...


Yawn... says:
I'm thinking about my G.E.D


Dead Ducky! says:
I'll hold a seance and have Daniel come back from the dead and kill you.


Yawn... says:
He don't give a fuck about me, he gave up on me


Dead Ducky! says:
he's dead, Mark.


Dead Ducky! says:
it's hard to physically support somebody from the grave


Yawn... says:
I've seen him on messanger a few times...


Dead Ducky! says:
when?


Yawn... says:
A week or so ago


Dead Ducky! says:
really?


Yawn... says:
yeah


Dead Ducky! says:
fascinating..


Yawn... says:
hmmm...


Dead Ducky! says:
I was told that he was killed in the early part of January...


Dead Ducky! says:
fucking asshole...


Dead Ducky! says:
*growls*


Yawn... says:
Sorry


Yawn... says:
He just wants us gone


Dead Ducky! says:
you know, Mark... the majority of the men in this world are assholes...


Yawn... says:
So I'll be gone


Yawn... says:
I know they are


Yawn... says:
Hence me trying not to be


Yawn... says:
But unless we are people walk all over us


Dead Ducky! says:
I just get sick of his coming and going...he tells me he wants me, then he disappears... I talk to him on the phone, and he's all sweet and loving, calls me baby and sweetie... tells me how much me misses me, how much he loves me, and then he disappears again...


Yawn... says:
Sounds alot like some people I knew


Dead Ducky! says:
*sigh*


Yawn... says:
Not to piss you off, but I'm considering finishing what I started a year ago


Dead Ducky! says:
and which thing is that? Choose your words wisely, child'


Yawn... says:
Offing myself


Dead Ducky! says:
you know... it's hard to be yourself when you're dead, Mark


Yawn... says:
I know


Dead Ducky! says:
life gets better once you're out of high school.


Dead Ducky! says:
I promise you that.


Dead Ducky! says:
I'm so much happier now than I was when I was in high school.


Dead Ducky! says:
really.


Yawn... says:
I'm just really alone inside


Dead Ducky! says:
trust me, that's something everyone goes through...


Yawn... says:
Records gone, Miles is leaving, Your leaving, Nicoles gone, all of the people I met and loved during that time are gone. It's hard to try anymore


Dead Ducky! says:
look around at school... the stupid people throwing themselves at each other... they're feeling that too... they just are more desperate to take care of it and more violent about it...


Dead Ducky! says:
Record was never really there, Mark.


Yawn... says:
I know


Yawn... says:
He made me feel not so alone when he was around though


Dead Ducky! says:
I was there. He just stood behind me and pretended.


Dead Ducky! says:
He was never there.


Yawn... says:
I know you were there, but your going to go make a life for yourself. I'm just tired of dreams, memories, and everything. I just don't like waking up everyday crying, going to school and hiding in the bathroom with a razorblade cutting the fuck out of myself crying, and going to bed crying


Dead Ducky! says:
it'll get better!


Dead Ducky! says:
quit playing with razorblades, and it won't hurt. that makes you cry less.


Dead Ducky! says: ;)

Dead Ducky! says:
common... smile.


Yawn... says:
heh...


Yawn... says:
I know, but the pain from the cuts are numb


Dead Ducky! says:
imagine all the women out there who are waiting for your well-hung goodness!


Yawn... says:
riiiiight


Dead Ducky! says:
if you keep thinking like this, you'll never get to them!
Yawn... says:
I'm not more than that to anyone anymore. I know it's really stupid, childish, bitter, etc...But I miss Nicole


Dead Ducky! says:
Mark... she's not herself anymore.


Yawn... says:
I know


Dead Ducky! says:
she's an entirely different shell of who she used to be.


Dead Ducky! says:
she's withdrawn to a mousy, rather pathetic human being.


Yawn... says:
Who almost got his ass kicked...


Dead Ducky! says:
I hung out with her alot again for a while... and then she became somebody else... and I just don't like being around her anymore... she's become Spencer's little mouse... jumping when he says jump, seeing to his every wish and demand... not caring about herself... not caring about how she looks, just hiding from the world.


Yawn... says:
I've seen that myself. It hurts alot, I just wish I could be that hero in her life that I used to be. I sat the other day looking at everything I had that reminds me of her, I found a letter she wrote to me and I remember one line that tore my heart in half. It made me think about offing myself right then and there...I just want to feel that good again, to not feel ashamed to be myself, and to hav


Yawn... says:
e love most of all


Dead Ducky! says:
you won't find it in her, Mark. she's gone.


Dead Ducky! says:
Believe it or not, Holly--who is her roommate now--is more of who she used to be than Nicole is anymore


Yawn... says:
But it's getting more clouded every day, I just wake up more & more & more bitter, it's like something died in me the last few months, the whole spark and flame in me is gone, the spark that drew people to me is now repelling anyone


Yawn... says:
Holly always hated me


Dead Ducky! says:
yeah... she's like that


Yawn... says:
I don't know, I just feel that alot of people lives would be much easier if I just went away

468675  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-01-11
Written: (6133 days ago)

"Your Life"

You live your life in nothing but decay,
You forsake your friends and the opportunity to end this play.

You live your life swollowing your pride,
You count down the days, and every fucking tear you've cried.

You feel so weak so god damn tragicly down,
You feel your heart all bent and twisted your face that of a clown.

462509  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-01-03
Written: (6140 days ago)

Dear Thing,

 I'm back in school now. Fun times I guess, I'm still thinking about my ex-Nicole. She kept staring at me when I was at a local game shop. Awkward feeling, very. I'm stressed to the point i'm losing hair...again...and breaking out in zits. I think I need to start going to therapy again or something. That or just let people quit walking over my like a rug...who fucking knows, bleh...I gotta go to my next class

432576  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-12-03
Written: (6172 days ago)

"Tommorow"

I looked into your eyes and saw your sorrow,
I looked into that pain and saw no tommorow,
This life is so hard to face,
I feel everything has pushed me so hard into this place,
I looked into your eyes and saw your sorrow,
I looked into our pain and saw no tommorow,
I'll never understand whats happening to you...
I'll never again even try to break through...
I looked into your eyes and saw your sorrow,
I looked into your pain and saw no tommorow,
I looked into your eyes and saw your sorrow,
I know that for us there will be no tommorow...
There will be no tommorow...

393317  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-10-28
Written: (6208 days ago)
Next in thread: 415219, 421626

Dear Diary,

  Well Well, I've come a long way in the last few days. Things seem to be better if not worse. I know what it finally took to be the "old" Mark that everyone loves and adores! Lets tell the tale Shall we?

  Starts out when someone decided that they wanted to see me. Me? Why me? Well i've not figured that out but hey, I had a crush on this person and I felt all special well by the end of the weekend this person had cuddled 90% naked in MY bed with my Roomate person...Well, that got me in a drunken binge...Than to top the cake she madeout with both my Brothers infront of me. That increased the drinking, though after my brothers realized what they had done to me I suppose I can say I feel all that much more bad for them than myself. Well these sweet hearts decided to fuck with the lovley young ladies mind and well...Lets just say, "I'm baaaaack" all 3 of us feel better, I feel better knowing who I really give all my heart to (You know who you are) :P and we have all gotten to a better place...Thanks Chance, Thanks Izzy ^_^ I feel good and happy Tee Hee

Dedicated to...

[Izik] -The cold hearted Bitch
[Morrigon] -Making me feel so good about myself
[kidneythief] -Chance, My brother
[Pillowthief] -Izzy, My other brother

380504  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-10-14
Written: (6221 days ago)

"Haha...Sex...."

380503  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-10-14
Written: (6221 days ago)

To my mom, the fuckin' ICP mom song...fuck yall who don't understand...bitch...

This is for mom
Miss Linda Harwood
Miss Cathy Hill
This is for you.

I respect my mother
With every step I take
She was there for my first step
In the first place
Everybody wants out on their own
Now that I'm grown
I wanna be back home
In a world full of vipers
Only my mother's love was righteous
I feel I've been to hell and back three times
I could never sum it up with these rhymes
Looking for a story to share
With somebody, but they never seem to care
While I'm looking for this person everywhere
I'm slippin', cause my mom is right here
Life moves along so fast
When I see real love at last it's past
That ain't gonna happen to me
I can hear my conscience rapping to me
It's like "Hey, you've only got one real friend
From the cradle, to the grave, and back again."
With unconditional love
That's my mother I'm speakin' of.

That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)

And I know it's true
Even in my darkest time
In my darkest hour
When my heart is blind
And I'm giving nobody respect
My mother's there to put my ass in check
And she don't play that mister famous trash
She was putting them diapers on my ass
She's seen every side of me
It don't matter how thuggish I'd try to be
NAW every week in the back yard
Now I'm in the big time, trying to act hard
What mattered when I looked a years back
Was mamma, bringing the chairs back
Supportin' every dream I got
You best believe, man, I dreamed a lot
Me and Rude Boy, I'm trying to tell ya,
Not a day goes by in life, we don't feel ya
We ain't taking nothing for granted
Mom's lasagna is so good I can't stand it!
Mrs. Hill always greets me with a hug
Now I see where Rudy got all his love

That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)

Everybody around me, they use me, and go for self
They want cash, equity, bank and wealth
Mom puts that on the shelf
All she cares about is my health
It all seems too good to be
As I'm battling life, mamma's backin' me
And she only really wants one thing of mine
Just a little time
Mother, in this world of scars
Money and snakes and labeled wars
Whatever else life puts me through
It's all #2
When it comes to you.
And your love is all I treasure
My real father just didn't measure
He was gone, without a thing to say!
I know he would have failed in comparison anyway.
You gave me 3 times the love
Enough for you, him, and the God above
Rude Boy, his daddy was strong,
Stayed holding on when the ease was gone.
Now a days, everything's all right
Millionaire rocking these microphones all night.
Makin' all of our dreams come true,
And we're full of love, mamma, thanks to you.!
I'm still sorry about the china cabinet
Wish I could bring it all back now, dammit!
Linda, Ron, Cathy and Ryo
We want you to know that we love you.

That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)

363272  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-09-26
Written: (6239 days ago)

Dear Die-ary,

Last night was strange for me, I felt so alone even though the two closest people were here with me. They tried to cheer me up and on the outside I ended up fine but give me an hour or so and I was back to where I always end up being. I thought about my ex, about my lovley Sarah monster, about "Her" and I felt a lot of strange emotion...I thought about my ex and I was full of anger, thought bout my Sarah and felt joy, thought about "Her" and felt sickening pain...I never understood why "She" had to do to me what she did. I don't know if my emotions look like toys but well....they ain't...

362333  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-09-25
Written: (6240 days ago)

Dear Diary,

I see the sickness that writhes within us all a little more everyday, I want to tear my eyes from my body in order to not see this degrading filth...You know what, fuck everyones filthy disease...fuck this, fuck all of it

359658  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-09-23
Written: (6243 days ago)

Dear Diary,

What do we do when our lives start to feel un-relentingly painful, like there is nothing we can really do to to stave off this sick feeling of loathing...I look around and wonder whats going to happen to me, will the world even look in remorse when I die? I don't know, i'm hoping to find out soon...

Breaking Benjamin-So Cold


Crowded streets all cleared away
One by One
Hollow heroes separate
As they run

You're so cold
Keep your hand in mine
Wise men wonder while
Strong men die

[Chorus]

Show me how it ends it's alright
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfied and empty inside
That's alright, let's give this another try

If you find your family, don't you cry
In this land of make-believe, dead and dry

You're so cold, but you feel alive
Lay your hands on me one last time

[Chorus x2]

It's alright [x9]

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