I remember when the age on my profile here read 22. Where has the time gone?
Today I went to the lake and swam for a few hours. It was perfect. No one else was there in the area I like to swim in, the sky was blue with white, puffy clouds, and the water was very clear, warm, and calm with autumn-colored leaves floating here and there.
That lake is the place that I find the most peace it seems. My family and I have visited it many times during each summer of my life, and my fondest memories of my grandparents take place there. Now I go back when I need time for reflection, or just to rest my soul. There is nothing like shedding your clothes and being one with nature.
Having a relaxing day of laundry and 80's music. Had about a 40 second spell of chills caused by Broken Wings by Mr. Mister. I really shouldn't have cursed nostalgia, it can be nice too.
It's becoming that time of year again where I long for Autumn. It's been so hot here, and the lake has turned to bath water it seems. I wonder if there's a place where it goes from fall to spring and then back to fall again while completely skipping but a month or so of winter and summer. That would be the place for me :)
I should have gotten another Nikon. They take much better photos than the Sony Cyber Shot in my opinion. Oh well, live and learn I guess.
I saw his face for the first time tonight in nearly ten years. Immediately it was hard to breathe, like I had been punched in the stomach. We're both married now, it shouldn't feel that way, but I've never in my life loved anyone the same way I loved him. A feeling so powerful could not possibly last forever, it would consume it's host leaving nothing but burnt embers and eventually ash.
In the photo he's smiling, it even nearly touches his eyes. Damn nostalgia...
With my mind's eye I can see us, the way we used to be
Free from the opinions we grew to be expected to have
Free from self-conscious
When we were young and love was a possiblity
Dreams were believed to come true and we had not yet felt the sorrow of death
Bitterness over life's injustices had not yet poisoned us
When you walked with me through the wooded path
Hands held to keep me from stumbling
Listening to the whip-poor-will
The One You Have Not Seen- Sophie B. Hawkins
I want to walk beside you
Nowhere that I have ever been
And of the dreams inside you
I am the one you have not seen
You make me feel a school girl
Restless to take your point of view
Into my mystery world
Finding that one is more than two
I feel abused
By my own mind
I can't refuse
An offer to make love to you
How come your words affect me
I have not wanted to be bound
And yet I may be set free
Before the meaning was the sound
In your refrain
I hear the chords of love in vain
How can I help but call your name
From dusk 'til dawn
By your demon song
Don't make me play alone too long
I don't recall ever being this sick before in my entire life. I thought I had a cold, which then turned into the flu which now may have turned into bronchitis. 5 days of fevers, and I've had a total of 3 hours of sleep, not a night..but in 5 days. :( It's hard to breathe, and my husband has insisted that I start taking his antibiotics. Problem is that we're going to need a new prescription before it runs out so we can both have full doses, but I have no insurance. I guess I'm going to have to try a free clinic. I just hope it doesn't take too long.
I've been having troubles sleeping lately, and after much reflection I've realized that it has to do with my inability to feel safe. I know that sounds crazy, but I've only felt safe to sleep deeply when I was a child, before I realized the unsettling fact that my parents really didn't control anything, and that they definitely did not have it all together. Now to be able to fall asleep, I have to envision myself in a cocoon of sorts, or a place where no one can reach me, and then after I've fallen asleep I wake every hour or two. How am I to cope with this? Maybe it's a lack of control thing. I can't control what goes on around me while I sleep, and it freaks me out. :/
Uck...swollen neck glands are no fun. I wonder what it is my body's fighting off?
And just when I thought I'd reached the peak of my sadness and that I could no more suffer this life, the creator revealed himself to me once more with the beauty of nature.
Bjork-Come To Me
Come to me
I'll take care of you
Calm, calm down
Come lie down
You don't have to explain
That I adore you
That I love you.
So don't make me say it
It would burst the bubble
Break the charm.
Your building's on fire
And I'll catch you, I'll catch you
Destroy all that is keeping you down
And then I'll nurse you
I'll nurse you
I'll touch you
That I adore you
That I love you.
So don't make me say it
It would burst the bubble
Break the charm.
Ah, the joys of being 30. I'm still young in my mind, but around the eyes I'm seeing fine lines which I've especially noticed while doing my makeup and trying to photograph eyeshadow looks. Also my hair has a bit (like 40 of the little guys) of grey in it. I've decided to stop coloring it and just let the grey happen. I guess I'm lucky, my mom started going grey at 19, and she then decided to dye her hair black, and has done so for about twenty something years now. When her roots begin to show she is nothing but grey, so in order to grow her hair out she'll have to go through a "skunk" phase that could last for years, depending on how long she wants her hair to grow. Since her hair is very coarse and dry naturally bleaching it would be a killer, so that's not an option. I've tried to talk her into going dark brown and then gradually lighten it from there to no avail. I hope she's not planning on being 70 with unnaturally black hair. I'm just going to not have to deal with that dilemma and just let mine go. My aunt says that our hair lightens over the years to soften our features, so I'm going with that mindframe. Hopefully it will be a pretty grey color, or even white ala [Skydancer]. My grandpa had very white hair, so here's hoping.
As my aunt who lived to be 93 said, "There's only one alternative to getting old." I choose grey hair and wrinkles. :)
Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished. Then I finished off a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a boc a choclez. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss
Just suck it up and smile.
My husband asked me what I wanted to do today for my birthday, and I told him that I'd like to go to Petit Jean mountain and get some photos, so that's what we did. I was going to upload a folder of the photos I took, but when I tried, I waited for thirty minutes and still it hadn't finished uploading, so I am going to post a new photo here every day until I've shown them all. Think of it as something to look forward to, if you like these kinds of pictures. :) We took two of our dogs with us, and after all of the walking and riding in the car, they've passed out for the night. It was a wonderful way to spend a birthday.
I've been playing with my camera a lot the past few days, and tonight a few of my friends and I got together with a bunch of props and took photos. "T" was by far my favorite model. She's still quite young, and is just now beginning to develop some self esteem, and that photo shoot helped her greatly. It's always nice to see a woman learn to see herself as beautiful, or sexy. As for the photo I posted of myself to Skydancer, I don't want that to be misconstrued. For those of you who know him, you know how much his photography means to women especially. Always tasteful and inspiring, his nudes, or costume photos of women of all different ages and shapes sends out the wonderful message that you can't put boundaries on what is beautiful. I, myself, though being a lover and appreciator of tasteful nude art am not ready to do my own, so as a bit of a homage to him and his art, I posted what I was comfortable with. I just didn't want people to wonder why I'm posting such pictures to someone on here. It's an art thing, and isn't that why we're all here?
TOMORROW my camera gets here. Though I've only been waiting since last Thursday, it feels like forever. I'm about the most impatient person about those kinds of things, and though I've been trying to work on it, it's hard. Shortly after I get it, I intend to go outside and take TONS of pictures. I'll have some posted by Wednesday I'm sure. It's about time.
Well, it's eleven days until my birthday and I've already gotten two of my presents. Yesterday, I went into my spare bedroom to see if I had an extra picture frame lying around, and on my grandma's sewing machine where I keep my laptop computer,I see a note. Confused, I go and read it and it says "How do you like these flowers? Happy birthday! I love you, Michael. Daft as I am I look around for flowers, and then notice that my laptop is lying in a chair nearby, and that the note was on a brand new laptop. When the screen was turned on it revealed a wallpaper of a field of lavender. <3 If that wasn't enough, he's also ordered me a new digital camera. FINALLY I will be able to take some new pictures, and just as my favorite season is starting! <3 <3. He is too sweet! And he is so getting laid. ;)
Kind of a low day today. Sometimes we all get those, I suppose, so there will be no "poor pitiful me" talk or the like. I did, however, write "This too shall pass." on my hand with a gel ink pen, and then marveled at how the ink flowed into the tiny lines in the skin making for a really neat effect. This would be a good time to have a camera. :)
So now, in an effort to gain a bit of relaxation, or as my dad would say "Get my head right.", I'm having a lovely cold beer. Hey! Don't give me any hassles, I'm not an alcoholic, and know full well that drinking solves nothing, but it makes for nice relaxation so long as it's in moderation.
*And then the ADD sets in*
I remember when I was little, while on long trip with my parents if I were to say I was thirsty, sometimes my dad would give me a drink of his beer. I know a lot of people would make a fuss about that, but my dad spent a few years in Germany, and said that over there everyone drank beer. It wasn't such a big deal. Now, my dad has been known to stretch the truth from time to time (actually, a LOT), but I was raised with the mindset that everything in moderation is fine, so although I'm not sure about what he said regaurding the Germans having beer in their baby's bottles is true or not, I do know that the occasional sip I had as a child didn't hurt me at all. Do any of you have any thoughts on this? I'm especially interested in what my German friends here have to say about it :)
Here's the story:
I was doing great, drinking lots of water, peeing near constantly, and then supper time came, and I had to cook for my husband. I was making a lovely chicken alfredo casserole with broccoli and such, and when it came time for the egg noodles to be done, without thinking I ate one to see if it was al dente. Afterwards I went about my business, and then the realization hit me that I ate the noodle (rereading this before posting proved for this to be quite the dirty little line LOL. You're welcome [nathie], if you read this), and with a resounding F$*%!, my will power crumbled. So, I grabbed a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, and had dinner. *Hangs head in shame*
I read that Gandi fasted for 25 days, or there about, but I doubt he had to cook for anyone. I will try it again, I'm not defeated totally, and I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly, because that isn't what it's about. Maybe I could make it a more momentous occasion and do it following my 30th birthday in October. Then, if temptation tries to get the better of me, it will be cool enough to go camping. It could turn into a spirit quest of sort. :) And then Michael can fend for himself ;)