[Khwaish]'s diary

785100  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-04-28
Written: (5749 days ago)

life.....is unknown...without a soul and a body...... god has given u this life...just live it.... and praise him...dont waste ur precious life...for me my life is gifted..and I value it.... Love Each and every Living Being as they too are creation of the same creator who has created U......The Almighty....

739226  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-01-26
Written: (5841 days ago)


It’s a quiet kind of artificial reality we create for ourselves. We paint it, we write it, we capture it, and some days we live it. If even for a second we jump into our home-made realities, we feel all the more safer and a little less lonely. But there’s nothing locked secretly beneath the words, or the ink, or the colours that could keep you breathing or your heart beating. It’s the loneliness and the heartbreak that keeps our lungs in tact. It’s a cruel, dark world but this is what we have. This is our reality and it’s in no way artificial. It’s a beautifully cold world out there and if we work it, we can love it. If we love it, we can live it. You can’t live with your head in the sand all your life, because someday you’ll suffocate and there will be nothing but your dried out brushes or pens to pull you free.

It’s not so much carrying a mask in front of your face. It’s leaving your body to fend for itself in a world where chance will just as soon drop love in your lap as drop a piano on your head. It’s a cruel, cruel world but pain is the best we have. From pain we learn joy and learn to be amazed. If you hide from that pain, you lose touch with the joy everything else in the world - including your made-up reality - can bring you.

It hurts; but it’s true and it’s wonderful.

Cruising across water as still as glass, the speedometer can no longer read how fast the boat travels. As the little arrow twitches in a mad panic to do it’s job, my entire body is free. I can’t find this serenity behind these words or behind the drawings my mother hangs on the wall. The serenity is real and it’s natural and I can’t create it on my own.

The freedom we seek isn’t locked behind walls we slowly build. When we hide from the world, we simply imprison our minds which yearn to fly and grow. When we race beneath the trees at sunset or swim in cold water below the moon, we find the quiet freedom we’ve fought for through art.

Art is beautiful - but it can’t define, control, or be you.

Go. Live.

618438  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-07-08
Written: (6043 days ago)

"The World at Large"

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

553524  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-04-16
Written: (6126 days ago)

Before the 20th century man perceived all matter as being composed of material particles whose movements were governed by partial differential equations and Newton's laws of mechanics. Western man was preoccupied with casually sequenced events. He was out to conquer nature and fight the forces of evil. The world was thought to be as either for him or against him. Things were in black or white. Death was the enemy of life.

Now, physical reality is represented by continuous fileds governed by partial differential equations. At the sub-atomic realm, Newtonian physics has been replaced by quantum mechanics and the 'super string' theory. Matter and energy are interchangeable. Time and space are no longer seperate realities but complementary to each other. The three dimensions of space have incorporated a fourth dimension: space/time.

At the beginning of the 21st century our thinking seems to be veering towards the teachings of the east. In contrast to the thinking of the 20th century, we now agree that our world is neither static nor absolute. Everything is relative. Change is the only given, nothing remains the same, and all standards are relative. We are born, we mature, grow old and die. Then the cycle begins again. Life and death are but temporary manifestations of the same central reality. Midnight at home just means midday somewhere else. Only the fact of change itself is unchanging. Eventually, everything will return to the beginning of all things - Divine Intelligence of the Universe - because that is how the cycle began initially.

500164  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-02-19
Written: (6182 days ago)

My face drowned in the setting light as I observed the magnificence of the gloaming sky. I adored the experience of gazing into never ending, infinite space; it always made me aware that something was definitely out there. That something was very beautiful, and it was the divine source.

The heavens were now beginning to enter into twilight. I, unaware of the mighty sun setting on the horizons of my tiny rural Irish village, I walked up the road illuminated by an orange light. Thoughts, like parasites invaded my mind. Nothing existed now, apart from the universe, my solitude and I. Every though amazed me; each was so unique and so passionate. I was so astounded by all the powerful suns in the universe that gave birth to life and nurtured it’ like a mother. My mind drifted to the mass of people damning themselves with their own thoughts which isolated themselves from such a universe! I never understood such thoughts, because I knew we all are part of the universe. I knew we are eternal souls in an infinite universe. You can choose to live in a harmonious universe or a hostile universe, and life will become whatever you choose. Yet, no matter what, we all belong to this universe; we all belong to this sacred source. What if the source is beyond this universe? I blinked away my confusion and saw my destination ahead of me.

I sat on a rock placed on a hill crowned with weeds and thorns. Many men had died on that hill as martyrs for their religious and political faith about a hundred years ago. That very same hill where many Irish men were hung was my place for meditation and my moments of solitude. I stared into the horizon and entered into meditative thought…

Nobody is happy with this world, everybody wants a better world where people live, love, learn and die naturally. Everybody wants to experience true love. Everyone desires to touch a star and to kiss an angel. However many people let their thoughts be dampened with the fact that millions of people in this world are murdered, raped, famished and suffering. Following a heavy sigh an angelic voice whispered silently to my soul. It said “you can’t heal an ill person by being ill for them; you can’t bring happiness to a depressed person by being depressed for them. Wherever there is anger bring love. Wherever there is darkness bring light. Lighting a candle in a dark room enlightens everything in the room and the darkness is extinguished. Clothe the naked, heal the sick, feed the famished – from love not sorrow.” The sun had just set now, and a layer of orange had seamed the shadowed landscape. I, only human thought this angelic message was only a reflection produced by my solitary meditation.

Then I, a soul who is born from nothing, infinite and wise in complete power of this human body whose flesh will one day become ash and join Mother Earth – rose and felt the silk of moonlight on her skin. I smile and say “you have more to learn yet, far more than any mind can imagine…”

491529  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-02-09
Written: (6192 days ago)

have a friend, he’s mostly made of pain
He wakes up, drives to work and straight back home again
He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover
And I tried to tell him that he had a sense
Of color and composition so magnificent
And he said thank you, please, but your flattery
It is truly not becoming me
Your eyes are poor, you’re blind, you see
No beauty ever could have come from me
I’m a waste
Of breath, of space, of time

I knew a woman she was dignified and true
Her love for her man was one of her many virtues
Until one day she found out that he had lied
And decided the rest of her life from that point on would be a lie
She was grateful for everything that had happened
And she was anxious for all that would come next
But then she wept, what did you expect
In that big old house with the car she kept
Such is life, she often said
With one day leading to the next
You get a little closer to your death
Which was fine with her, she never got upset
And with all the days she may have left
She would never clean another mess
Or fold his shirts, or look her best
She was free
To waste away alone

Last night my brother, he got drunk and drove
And this cop, he pulled him off to the side of the road
And he said officer, officer, you’ve got the wrong man
No, no, I’m a student of medicine, a son of a banker, you don’t understand
The cop said No one got hurt, you should be thankful
And your carelessness, it is something awful
And no I can’t just let you go
And though your father’s name is known
Your decisions now are yours alone
You’re nothing but a stepping stone on a path
To debt, to loss, to shame

The last few months I’ve been living with this couple
Yeah, you know the kind who buy everything in doubles
Yeah, they fit together like a puzzle
I love their love and I am thankful
That someone actually receives the prize that was promised
By all those fairy tales that drugged us
they still do me. I’m sick, lonely
No laurel tree, just green envy
Will my number come up eventually
Like love’s some kind of lottery
Where you scratch and see what’s underneath
It’s sorry
Just one cherry
I’ll play again, get lucky

So now I hang out down by the train's depot
No, I don’t ride, I just sit and watch the people there
They remind me of wind-up cars in motion
They way they spin and turn and jockey for positions
And I wanna scream out that it all is nonsense
Their life’s one track and can’t they see it’s pointless?
But just then my knees give under me
My head feels weak and suddenly
It’s clear to see, it’s not them, but me
Who’s lost my self-identity
And I hide behind these books I read
While scribbling my poetry
Like art could save a wretch like me
With some ideal ideology
That no one could hope to achieve
And I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me
And everything I’ve made is trite and cheap and a waste
Of paint
Of tape
Of time

So I park my car down by the cathedral
Where the floodlights point up at the steeples
Choir practice is filling up with people
I hear the sound escaping as an echo
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle
When the voices blend they sound like angels
I hope there’s some room still in the middle
But when lift my voice up now to reach them
The range is too high way up in heaven
So I hold my tongue, forget the song
Tie my shoes, start walking off
And try to just keep moving on
With my broken heart and my absent god
And I have no faith but it’s all I want
To be loved
And believe
In my soul, in my soul

459843  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-12-30
Written: (6233 days ago)

Anyone who wants to know the human psyche will learn next to nothing from experimental psychology. He would be better advised to abandon exact science, put away his scholar's gown, bid farewell to his study, and wander with human heart throught the world. There in the horrors of prisons, lunatic asylums and hospitals, in drab suburban pubs, in brothels and gambling-hells, in the salons of the elegant, the Stock Exchanges, socialist meetings, churches, revivalist gatherings and ecstatic sects, through love and hate, through the experience of passion in every form in his own body, he would reap richer stores of knowledge than text-books a foot thick could give him, and he will know how to doctor the sick with a real knowledge of the human soul.

-- Carl Jung

287310  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-07-15
Written: (6402 days ago)
269018  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-06-29
Written: (6417 days ago)

        (''·.¸(''·.¸ ¸.·'´) ¸.·'´)
        (¸.·'´(¸.·'´ ''·.¸)'' ·.¸)
               ( '·.¸
                '·.¸ )

258192  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-06-17
Written: (6430 days ago)

Boredom aroused me last night...I picked up my guitar and began to play. I had forgotten the beliefs of self hate; "I suck.."

I fell in love with the sweet sensations, I became a victim of a simple chord. I gave my sould to a new religion. It ws like an intoxication, a shower of complete bliss. I entered nirvana...I stopped. And I closed the eyes of my subconcious and I saw the world. Rotting. Rotting away...

254678  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-06-14
Written: (6432 days ago)


248463  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-06-08
Written: (6438 days ago)

Hi chani bhanji!

It has been a long time since we have last spoken and yes, now we do have a lot in common since I went to the Wayne Dyer seminar, ha-ha..the best synopsis that I can give you on it is that sometimes things happen in our life that can be good or bad, but it is up to us to take it in a positive direction. For example, originally, I was not supposed to go to the seminar, but as fate had it, my dad did not want to go, so I was the only person willing to go, though I must admit, at first I had NO IDEA what any of this was about. I went because I knew that it made my mom happy and all I had to do give up four hours which I would have probably wasted doing something else. So, it turns out that it was the best four hours ever, not only was my mom happy and it gave us a bond at a new level, but it helped me understand life more.

There are many things that I understand more now than I did before. First, I know that I cannot undermine anything since everything is a part of god, this means my enemies, my friends, family, myself, and even the obsolete things that exist that we don't even think about like an ant, or a mosquito. Now, to me, it means the same thing to kill an ant as it is to kill a human. Just because an ant is smaller, cant communicate to us, and is 'icky', it doesn't mean that it gives us grounds to kill them.

second, in our lives, there are many things that occur to us that do not make sense. it seems that what happens to us is unfair and uncalled for. We may be good people who pray, have love for everything and try endlessly to help others, but bad things still happen. bad things happen to innocent beings, such as children or the elderly. But we must understand that there is a purpose to everything that happens to us. there are things that have been really hard for me to deal with in my life and that i blamed myself, other people and even god sometimes. it has been a hard journey to overcome my struggles, but then I realized that the only was that I was going to overcome this hardship was through god. With his help, I have become a stronger, wiser and a more faithful person. Without these bumps in the road, I would have never reached my destination.

of course when hardships come into our lives, we can sometimes form enemies. From this seminar I have realized the harm that I can cause myself by hating these people for hurting me so much, but instead i must forgive them and pray for them. This is the only way that I have moved on from my bad experiences and found the light in the situation, no matter how difficult it is to do it. The funny thing is that there is always critics that will say 'how can you forgive someone so bad???' but its hard to understand that its it literally impossible to move on until you forgive.

He also talked about the befits of positive thinking, I have a funny story about this one...my mom was sitting beside this guy whose breath smelt awful. for three hours she sat there covering her nose and then finally during the break, I told her that I would switch her seats. I switched seats with her and before anyone came back I said to her that I was using positive thinking so that he would switch seats with his wife also, and as it turns out, he switched seats with his brother! Me and my mom were laughing so much about this and it also stressed his point about positive thinking.

Regarding the war in Iraq, I was effected by it because I watched a video where these muslims beheaded an american. It was disturbing and I honestly could not sleep until I went to the seminar. I prayed and prayed for this guys soul and his family. I cant even imagine the horror...... but, as wayne dyer said, it is not up to us to change the world, for us to sit here and focus our negative energy on this will only make things worse, but if everyone looked at the world more positively, it would eliminate many of these problems. I also wanted to thank you for the story you sent me regarding the war, it was very helpful in giving me a perspective on this issue.

In the seminar the one thing that he said that stuck out and that summed up everything was that the branches of a tree never fight. god is the trunk of the the tree and we are the branches and were are still fighting...

anyhow, write back soon, I am looking forward to your perspectives and comments!!



PS sorry for the bad grammer its late at night right now and Im about to hit the sack!

198408  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-04-18
Written: (6489 days ago)
Next in thread: 321458

the past days have felt like my whole world came crashing down upon me. It's been all found out, but I didn't admit. I hated the world, every moment I thought of everything i felt my eyes hurting to cry. And when i cried at night, the tears were so soothing, so blissfull. It felt like I was screaming at everything but silently.

No less that 7days i was like this. And now, i'm calmer and still quite angry at everything. All I want is things to return to normal, and my privacy back.

Even now, I keep screaming in my mind "It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair." It isn't. It can't be.

It's kind of funny in a way, because what they're trying to break can't break. It's just too strong...and that makes me smile. I still have what would be the only thing I would be willing to die for.

It's just so strange....

198055  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-04-18
Written: (6489 days ago)


Bombay Dreams. Shakalaka baby!! :P

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