Awww man... sometimes I look back on my life and half of the idiots I was with/hung out with/spoke to and wonder what the fuck I was thinking.
I honestly DO hate immaturity.
Utterly and completely.
On another note, I also hate flip phones when they break in half. Like mine just did.
Life is utterly strange.
I don't feel the need to converse with anyone right now, due to the simple fact that majority of you are disgusting me for one particular reason. No, I don't view myself as some superior being.. I still don't. Yet, there's something I seem to be passionate about.. something more people should be concerned with, yet no one cares. If you read this, and choose to confront me afterwards with some sort of argument.. I warn you, don't waste your time. I'll put up a fight you wouldn't believe.
I'm no longer concerned with everyday aspects of life. I may have the urge for them still, but it's not something I'm worried about anymore. Due to several things, it's given me the negative drive to stay away from any sort of attachment to people, even though I want it from time to time.
You see, everyone is too worried about today. No one cares about tomorrow. I believe the motto, "Live like there's no tomorrow," is being taken far too literally. Truly, you could die right this second. As could I, as could anyone.. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't care about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the future, and the future is everything to everyone. Your children, your grandchildren.
I've come to realize that such a thing isn't true. I'm surrounded by zombified torries stuck in the convenient, comfortable pleasures of today. No one is concerned with tomorrow, because today they have everything. Today.. they have everything they need in reach.. But is any of this beautiful to you? Can you call that television a marvel, or those walls seductive? Can you call that soft carpet floor beneath your feet soft and beautiful? No. You'll grow sick and tired of it.
Everyone is obsessed with the "marvels of technology," and the "ever changing ways of society," but do they not realize that these things are destroying everything that really matters? The world around us is deteriorating.
Who do we have to stop this? Peda, environmentali
We stole this land that wasn't ours long ago, we made settlements and acted as though we found it all.. We slaughtered people then for it... and now we're killing even more defenseless beings, only now it's animals. We're taking their homes so we can live.. And we expect them not to be enraged.. We turned animals into killers. The tigers fear us, the bears fear us, and they hate us because we took their food... We tainted their water, and we tore down their home. How could anyone tell them they have no right to come tearing down our doors and slaughtering us all?
If someone kicked in your front door, walking casually into your kitchen and started eating your food.. Took a gun to your "darling childs" throat and let them bleed to death on YOUR carpet.. Would you not be driven to such a rage that you'd want to kill those that did it?
You'd be lying if you said no.
Yet we do this to animals, expecting them to be "dumb" enough to not understand.. to not care. They're just as smart as we are, we just can't understand them. We don't understand what people from foreign countries have to say when they speak another language but we don't FUCKING call them stupid, do we?! We know they hold just as much potential as we do, but we can't look at animals that way? We feel we have to slaughter them for game and mount their heads on a wall, or their gutted corpse laid out like a carpet? That's sickening.
The Indians are the only people that properly "killed" animals. They killed them and used every part of the animal, so that it's spirit could pass on.. As they put it. That's a respectable way to do such a thing. It's still a chain of life, but it isn't killing for sport or a simple game.. It's for survival, and it's using resources wisely.
Nature is something to be admired, to be respected.. yet we keep tearing it all up. Eventually cities of concrete and metal will cover every inch of this world.. Nothing will be left. All of the animals will be extinct, and no one will remember them. No one will remember that animals ever existed, and they'll raise a quizzical brow at the thought of a flower or fresh air. They'll never know the true meaning of beauty, and they'll never live a proper life. They'll waste away like the zombies of today, only they'll be all the more ignorant to the world that once existed.
And eventually the world will begin to crumble.. It will begin to fall away from everyones feet, and as everyone falls down into oblivion they'll call out.. They'll cry out for god to save them, but no one will come to save them. They brought hell down upon themselves, and no one cared to change it. Even those that went to church, and those that lived a proper life.. They'll waste away into nothingness, and never exist again.. They'll fade like the very world they massacred. Their faith won't save them in the afterlife they're damned to.
It seems like too much trouble, too much for people to cope with now.. Even when the facts are laid out before them, easy enough to read as a book with a large print.. They still won't face reality. They still don't care. They still don't really feel for the losses faced everyday.. They're too concerned about finding someone to "love" or someone to fuck.. Someone to leave behind, or someone to crush. Someone to stab in the back, or someone to lie to. They aren't concerned about what really matters.. and asking them to stand by you in a war would be blasphemy to them.
And so let this single soul be brought down by every weapon in the making.. Because I will not rest until I can't get back up again.. and they'll have to burn my body to ash to banish this restless soul.. Because I refuse to lay back and let the world die. I'll run on into the hottest fire, right into a crowd of a million soldiers.. I'd rather die then watch another beauty fade away.
I don't quite understand this generation, though I am part of it... I still can't seem to grasp the stupidity of it all.
For instance... People that get online to talk so much that you know they have the ability to type pretty fast... Yet they STILL type lik dis n dey dnt type a daym ting rite. I hate that. Or these little kids that think they're cute typing things the way they "sound." For example: Fucking as "fuccing" or you as "yew," etc.
That presses my buttons.
And this sick obsession with sex. That's degrading.
Especially the people, [no offense to males, because there are plenty that I have or may not have had the pleasure of meeting just yet that aren't like this] mostly males that view me as nothing more then a sex object... That's fucking insulting.
I'd like to think that there's a lot more my mind has to offer then to just be looked at for my looks and what I have to "offer." Anyone has more to offer then that.. And anyone who thinks they have to give it up to get a little respect.. You're disgusting and I hope you rot from the inside out feeling like a nasty whore, because you are.
I'm mean, but I don't even care anymore. I try to warn people and I try to say a lot of shit that could help people out but they blow it off and don't listen...
Few days later they're crying to me about what I just warned them about. That angers me severely. I don't even listen after that. I just tell them to piss off and give someone else their sob story because I don't give a damn.
Call me cruel but, I'm just incredibly blunt.. I've always been very truthful but I am now more so then ever. I feel the need to be.. we've given this generation a foundation.. a very feeble and weak base of lies to live on and try to work off of.. It's like playing Jenga with the lives of our "children" (though I highly doubt I'll ever have them).. But it's very true. We've pulled out all of these pieces and majority of us KNOW it's all going to come tumbling down the second anyone else tries to stack our left over pieces up on top... But we don't do anything.
That's sad. Very sad. More people need to stand up...
This world is out of hand.
So I've decided that it's time for a few changes.
I spoke to someone tonight, well, earlier, considering it's 5:37AM. Well, he's one of the only people that's ever been able to just crack open my skull and be able to read everything like an open book before I could even utter word.
At first I hated it, really hated it. No one has even been able to do that before, so I'm not used to it, at all. But, now that I've had a few hours to let it soak in and to let my heart stop racing, I realized; he was right.
I mean, he knows he was right but.. I wouldn't believe that he was. I was trying to be misunderstood so that life would be easier. Surely, I wasn't content with life but it made things easier, the solitude of it all. I kept shoving people off my ship so I could sail alone, because that's what I was comfortable with.
But if you stay in your comfort zone forever, you'll live a pathetic life and never be happy, and you'll never go anywhere, so what the hell am I doing this for?
I don't think I mean to, but with that nice punch in the face.. I want to try and fix it.
And I mean that when I say it, I don't want to turn my back on it in a few weeks, or a month, or even in a year from now and go back to acting like that.. I really want to change it, and some other things. My pessimism and bad argumentative habits being the main ones, as sometimes I just argue to confuse people so they think I'm impossible to understand..
But really, I'm not impossible.. I just try to make it that way. Apparently I'm not that much different at all, really. But that's true. No one is all that different, no one person can stand out in a crowd of a thousand people.. It just doesn't work like that.
I wanted someone to come along and help me, but the second help arrived I'd shoot the knight right off of his horse. Not very wise, that's just ignorant.. Why ask for help if you're just going to feed your savior to the wolves? Yeah, I know, pointless, right? Right.
So, just hit me with a frying pan if I start showing my pessimistic side, or being a dick when you offer to talk or something. I'm sure you'll be open to the frying pan, because I've been one hell of a bitch.
I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'd rather prove my apology first by fixing everything.
So I never write in this thing anymore.
I hate me :/
This is fucking bullshit. Lately everything is fucking bullshit. I'm so sick of all of this.
If I were to die right now, by most religions, I'd be sent to "eternal damnation" for all of my "repetitive sins", yet where am I now? I'm stuck in a place that might as well be damnation.
Let me rewind.
Well.. it appears as though this streak of bad luck began this weekend. I had it out with my boyfriend with all of this shit that happened, but fine, whatever, we "figured it all out" and things are just fine now. I also have it out with someone who claims they think of me as one of their "best friends" and supposedly we're fine now as well.
Then we have today.
Today being a royal pain in my ass.
It began with my appointment with a neurologist about my chronic migraines. The bitch thinks he's a psychiatrist and thinks he has the right to lecture me on how to live my life when it has nothing to do with anything. The fucking bastard has nerve. He wants to get in my face telling me that "So what if you can't write, you can at least sit in class and listen." What the FUCK is the point in that? I can't listen, I just sit there and copy shit down and do my work, I rarely ever listen. It's POINTLESS! Then he asks a series of questions which I guess was a neccesity, then proceeds to check how my reflexes are and all, another neccesity. Then he proceeds to ask me how my social life is:
"Do you have many friends at school?"
"Like one, maybe two?"
Well I mean, I talk to a few, but I rarely talk to them outside of school...
And what the FUCK does that have to do with my HEADACHES?! WHO THE FUCK I TALK TO IS NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS! And why the fuck did he want to be a snot with me because I'm more interested in english and art then sports? So fucking what if I'm not some stupid jock doing stupid shit wasting my time, I have better things to do. So what if my imagination is better then my metabolism.
"So do you consider yourself a loner?"
Right then, I wanted to deck that stupid asshole in his face. He had crossed the line, and I was sick of his bullshit. But no, it doesn't end there! Then he wanted to give me an even longer lecture on why I should go to college. That college was fun! Yeah, whatever.
Then I get home, and find out my Mom has been going through my buddy list, and discovers that Catherine is on it and goes off on me saying I still talk to her.
You know what, I'm sick of this shit.
I want to leave more then anything in this world.
Fuck school, fuck everything. What the hell do I do at school? All I accomplish is the extreme urge to go off on a rampage and kill everyone there.
Goody, I sit all alone at lunch, I sit all alone in class, I'm alone here. The only people I talk to don't live here, everyone that's here that I ever talked to my parents didn't like and they dragged me away from them. The only people here I'm not banned from have no interest in me or they just annoy me to no end.
I hate fake people.
Yet that makes me hate everyone, doesn't it?
Aside from maybe one, but oh well.
And he's probably the only individual that could relate with my current frustration and honestly be able to talk me out of some idiotic massacre.
I'm just so sick of this. How much longer do I have to deal with this bullshit? How much longer can I even take it before I just snap and either leave or worse...?
Why the hell do I have to stay?
What the fuck is the point?
Can anyone honestly give me one good reason as to why we're here? Why we live? Why we go on? We accomplish nothing, we do nothing. We live to die. Nothing more, nothing less.
Most people see the same things all there life, the same people, the same scenary. They even follow the same traditions, the same laws, most of it is all the same. And no, I'm not including the rapidly changing equipment that is destroying the very sacred soil we stride upon. That's another can of worms. Yet why should we go on for such a weak and meaningless reason? To go on, to breed, to torture another generation by forcing them to live the very SAME life that we lived.. What is the point... I really cannot see it. Our names will be forgotten very soon after we die, we leave no mark in the sands of time. But very few of us do.
Will they remember me?
Will they speak my name with joy or fear?
Which would I prefer? To live a joyous and perfect life, changing the world for the better so that they will look upon my picture and smile and say that I did good for them all, that I changed them and made them better people.. Or will they lock away my pictures, will I stumble into history books so that when my name is spoken by daring and brave mouths it will send chills down the very spines of those around them? Will I corrupt the world? Or will I simply open their eyes and reveal the very truth that lies beneath the damp earth?
I am not alone in this war.
Things will change soon enough, I just have to wait.
Things will be different, very different..
They will tremble at the sound of my name.
No one quite understands this agony, this misery.. Eternal anguish.. Locked up within your own mind.. To hell with the world.. To hell with its laws, it's wishes, it's expectations.. I have my own ideas, my own plans. I have my own laws, my own life. No one will ever control me. No one will ever tell me what to do, no one will be able to predict me.
We'll be an unstoppable pair...
him and I...
They'll never see it coming.
Their weak minds amuse me.. He'll always be the one who truly understands.. He'll be the only one to comprehend this anguish, and he'll be the only one who can ever cure it.
To hell with the rest of them.
They were never really there.
I'm an outsider for a reason.
I truly do despise humanity. Every exsistence is meaningless. I'm sick of trying. Nothing is ever good enough for anyone. Perfection is non-exsistent, yet that is what everyone strives for. Why try so hard for disappointment
Okay.. So here I fucking sit, barely able to see the fucking screen..Feelin
So I'm sitting here.. Thinking.. Memories bugging me.. I keep imagining him in my arms, dying.. Again. Why do I have to face this torture countless times? Why won't it just leave me alone..... FUCK MY MIND! FUCK THESE TEARS! FUCK MY PAST! And fuck all these fuckers.. Who don't give a shit about me.. So I'm sitting here next.. to my best friend.. Who probably doesn't even realize I'm crying.. While she tries to fucking go to sleep...
I can't sleep.. I just lay there and fucking cry.. Like I've been doing for nights.. for weeks.. maybe months.. Very rarely do I ever fucking sleep anymore..
Why can't I cheer up.. I want to.. Deep down.. Maybe I am really happy sometimes now.. And it isn't just a mask anymore.. It's fucking sad when I can't tel the difference between what I really feel.. And what's just a mask.. What's fake..........
What is real now....?
Makes me wonder.. If this love now is real.. Does he really care? Does he really love me? Would he really bother........
No.. I can't blame anyone else for what I fucking do..
I do it to everyone.. And it's my fucking fault.. It's my fucking fault I'm so alone.. So empty.. So cold.. And always so fucking sad..
Is the smile he puts on my face real... Or is it just a temporary fix.. Like a high..
I don't want to push him away.. I don't want him to leave.. In all reality, I want him to come here and be with me forever.. So I can hold him, he can hold me.. And I can be happy forever.. If it's not true happiness.. Even though.. I think it is.. What I feel.. When he does things for me.. Goes out of his way for me.. I don't think it's a mask.. I think he really does make me happy.. But.. how long will he stick around..
I'm afraid he's going to leave like everyone else.. Or maybe that's just me pushing him away..
Now look at what I've fucking done to her...... I wish she wouldn't..
It's always my fucking fault..
Fuck this, I don't know why I bother.. Even if anyone does read it.. Which they won't.. I don't know what I expect from it.. I don't know what I want from it..
Just fuck it
I hope my blood keeps on flowing until I fucking die..
New username, fuckers. That's right. This one is bitchin'. Ha.
As the lights flickered from the passing storm, she searched for a match. With a quick strike of lightning and a loud crash of thunder, the lights quickly cut out. She passed the display case, a katana within. She felt along the walls for a source of light. She turned, her eyes adjusting slightly to her dark surroundings. She shuttered as his words echoed within her mind from previous conversations. She passed the display case once more, a flash of lightning revealed the missing blade. She searched the room frantically with her eyes, trying to seek out the intruder. She heard a noise and headed to the next floor. Quickly she found her way to the stairs, climbing them swiftly to meet her enemy, but as she turned the corner, the lightning revealed the opposite. There he stood, blade out with hatred in his eyes. She quickly ran into her room and slammed the door. He began to pound on the door, screaming madly as she searched for matches. Each pound of his fist upon the door was just as surprising and terrifying as the thunder outside. She struck a match, quickly lighting as many candles as she could. Suddenly he came bursting through the door. The surprise hit her hard, knocking her to the ground as she faced him, trembling in fear. He laughed, hatred dripping from every aspect of his features. The shadows from the flames danced upon his face, he had become a quick passing shadow. He began screaming at her as he struck her once with the blade. She stood, her arm bleeding, she cringed from his harsh words. She choked back her tears, attempting to hide her weakness. He struck her again, sending her to her knees. He danced upon her life and upon her soul. She bowed her head, barely able to speak, she begged him to stop but he heard nothing. He began screaming again as she held her hands to her face, hiding her emotions with the smear of blood on her face. He struck her again, what most would consider a fatal blow. She stood once again. He dropped the blade and pushed her down. She began screaming, not at him, not at herself, but screaming every last word and emotion on her mind. He dropped to his knees, hearing none of her words as she screamed them through her own blood and tears. Her chest bled violently from his last blow, with every breath she took and every word she spoke. He narrowed his eyes and dug his hand into the wound. She gripped his wrist and began screaming madly. Still he felt around as if searched desperately to end her life. Finally she felt her heart clench, tighten. Her eyes studied his face closely, she wouldn’t believe it was truly him, but it was. She felt him yank at her heart as she watched him. She let her hands drop from his arm. He screamed at her one last time and with a final tug, she saw her heart in his hands. She slowly relaxed, her breaths ending, her blood running cold. Her eyes were empty, glazed, but they sat upon him. He clenched her heart, watching madly as the last bit of blood fell. He dropped it to the ground; her blood covered his hands and his clothes. He simply turned and walked away without even looking back.
Uh.. Yeah. Have some lyrics? See how I currently feel, if you care.
IT HIDES INSIDE MEEEEE!!!!!!!!
why am i condemned to this hell?! why am i haunted by these images that arent even from my own life? how did i get them!? what did i do?! why does he want me dead?! *collapses to the floor* hes eating my soul........de
if anybody wants to kill me, please go ahead...