Today I woke up worried, sick to my stomach, in pain, and stressed.
I decided to make a peace treaty with my body by doing what it wants.
So I cried and threw up.
I don't feel any better.
...If you love something, you should let it go, and if it loves you, one day it will come back...
I hope that old saying is true...
I am so fucking pissed right now.
I came into comp. lab after school and [enneigard] was upset because somebody hacked into his account on Elfpack. FIrst he accused one of my best friends, who I KNOW didn't do it and then he accused me. His reason: "Because you're a Satanist and it's Friday the thirteeth."
I lost it.
I hate that people will do this type of shit because of my religion. I will NEVER talk to him again.
Happy fuckin' New Year.
Okay, lessee 2005 review; I've :
Been through 2 breakups and 2 hookups
Lean to hate my choir and I'm still considering quitting.
Lost my favourite teacher (MISS YOU HANS)
Been sick with MYSTERY!ILLNES
Lost my cousin Eric to cancer, his sister (Irene) moved and is slowly dying from cancer as well
Went to my first prom
Went to NYC and had one of the best times of my entire life
Had my first real job
Fallen in love
Found a Religion, and converted
Fallen in love with Gorillaz, and have picked up a role-play with a (slashy) Murdoc and a Noodle
Been included in an amazing RP with bricriu <33
Written lots of stuff, but nothing good.
Discovered I'm a sado-masochist
Had several breakdowns
Drawn, but nothing good
Discovered I'm a follower, not a leader
Been emotionally unstable for over two months over the fact that my Grandfather is dying
Gotten HBP, had my heart broke, but recovered with RAB
Been soooo pissed over GOF
Wanted to commit suicide
Wanted to commit homicide several times
Learned some French
Done very well in Speech (this season) with a JtHM piece
Found out the Pru needs me, just as much as I need her
Been slightly drunk
Cried, a lot. The most I've ever cried since grade school
Discovered I'm the lost child, and the idol child in my family
I know there's more, so if I remember, I'll add. <3
In 2006 My resolutions are currently:
Don't be such a bitch
Hate myself less
Ever have one of those days where you just want to drop dead?
December's gonna suck....and I've felt like that for about two months.
HAHA! I'M EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE AND MIGHT RANDOMLY BLOW UP OR BREAK DOWN!
To those who literally ripped my S&D sign off my locker to put Slater's there instead, I have a hearty : FUCK YOU.
When will I fucking learn?
I'm under a ton of stress right now and I'm going through moral and mental issues that are just making everything worse.
I've broken down so many times lately, even the smallest things set me off.
I really need to learn that my feelins count too, I should be doing what I want and need to, rather than what benefits other people.
Hey, you guys want some good advice?
DON'T START BULLSHIT WITH ME OR BULLSHIT THAT INVOLVES ME!
Eric died Sunday morning.
I had a Halo2 like dream last night.
Except, I wasn't killing the covenant.
...I was killing demon schoolchildren (like 2nd-3rd grade.)
Things are finally looking good.
Have had good luck in almost everything.
I've been inspired to write /and/ draw again.
<3 life right now.
Ruined an April Fools joke today~ Yay for being a looser~
Also brought up Eric in English for just a few moments, and just that almost drove me to tears.
I hate being weak..
I ended up having to break it off with my boyfriend mostly due to my own stress and mental problems.
Not a whole lost more is new right now...a little tired...I guess..
I'm so tired of this...
I'm tired of not being able to eat anything withou feeling like I'm going to throw up.
I'm tired of this stabbing pain that won't let me do anything when it comes and leaving me feeling worse when it leaves.
I'm tired of all these tests and the doctors /still/ not knowing what's wrong with me.
All I want for my birthday is to feel better...but with the way things are going right now...
Please...just shoot me. I'm so sick and I don't know what's wrong and I just want this to end.
I've ruined my sister's birthday and my family's Thanksgiving because I was sick. I feel so guilty because of it.
And I'm just so scared because I don't know anything.
What the Hell did I do to make myself so sick? What's wrong with me? Why don't the doctors know?
I just want to know...
My great Auntie Tina died yesterday.
Hell, I barely knew her but I still feel like shit about it.
My pills for my ilness screw me up too, feeling a little sick...headach
WAKE UP JENNY.
Gah, so sleep....don't wanna go to school.
At least we get out early because it's Friday.
But we have a pep rally.
I hate school.
Oh well...time to get on the bus and listen to NIN and maybe sleep~
Things are starting to get better.
Last night wasn't so bad, just hung around until my mett with the drama coach and then for the meeting. I had a much better time then expected, but then again...I'm not suprised. ^^;
Isn't interesting how like one person (or two) can figure out how to get under the thick layer you've built up against teasing SINCE THE FIRST FUCKING GRADE.
And they just fucking ruin your day.
Most important thing I have to say to anyone who ever meets me:
Just because I look alright on the outside doesn't mean I'm stable.
Almost always approach me with caution and either expect me to remain (falsely) cheerful, go mental, or just break down.
I hate this.
I'm having mental things AGAIN that I can't really open up about I seem to be in a steady systematic decline.
*SMASHES HEAD INTO DESK*
Jesus Christ, just fucking shoot me before I have another mental breakdown and start crying in class.
I hate this. --;