I feel like I'm going insane.
I know that no one really knows what's going on at this moment, except a select few. So here's the G-version.
I dated this guy for 2 1/2 years. We broke up for a few months, and lately we've started talking again. Gaining the friendship to regain a later relationship. It was nothing unspoken, or anything. We both told each other that that's what we were doing.
My best friend lives with me. We're so close that we finish each others sentences, and we only have to look at each other to know that we're thinking the exact same thing. I thought we told each other everything. She was dating a guy for 8 months, and she broke up with him two weeks ago.
Yesterday My bestfriend, my ex-boyfriend, and I, went out to a movie. It was all fine. Great, actually. Until they announced that they were dating. Which wouldn't have been as much of a big deal if he weren't calling me every night expressing his undying love for me. Or the fact that three nights before me and her talked about the fact that I was still madly in love with him. Or even the fact that the whole way up to the movie he was blowing me kisses in the mirror.
I'm hurting. From the inside out. At times I feel completely betrayed, and broken down. I can say out loud that I'm fine, but I'm not. Not really. I never will be fine about this. I tell myself that I need to be the better person and turn my head and let it all happen, and for everyone else's sake pretend like there's nothing wrong. But there's alot wrong with the situation. At times I think it's all okay, and that I'm okay, and that it'll all work out. But then the rest of the time I'm crying, or staring out into space, or hating myself.
She says that she's not going to live her life around me. And that if she thought that I couldn't handle it then she wouldn't do it. She says it's not that I can't handle it, it's that I don't want to her.
He says he really loves me, but he likes her alot. He can't help it. He's sorry he didn't tell me before.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know anything anymore. Due to the people involved, I'm stuck to going over things in my own mind, and that's not good. Not good at all.
I'm going insane. Someone save me from it all.
Today has been...long. And tiring. I feel like someone beat the crap out of me, too. My entire body has pretty much shut down my nerves because it's become numb to the soreness. Why am I sore, might you ask? I fell down a flight of steps. Now, I'm a clumbsy person and everything, but I'm not that clumbsy most of the time...but it was raining pretty hard out side, and I was leaving my boyfriend's house, with him, and when we were going down the flight of steps that were rain covered, I was ahead of him, and he made a comment...
"Hey! Hold your butt up!"
And me being the smart ellic that I am...held my butt up... literally...wh
Sometimes I just get into moods where I just want to write. Right now I just want to write. Write about him. About her. About you. About the Almighty Him. Anything. I just want to think something and then write it out. Have it on ink so that if something ever happens to me, then someone might find that blessed ink, and say, "Hey. This girl thought."
That's what I want to be remembered by. The girl that thought. The girl that questioned. The girl that challenged. When I think about death, I smile. That may be weird to you, but I do. I smile because I know that dying is just another adventure. The adventure.
People go through life wondering what will happen after death. Why does it matter? Really...can you answer that simple question? Why does it matter? Death is death is death. No matter what you will die. Will you live eternally in heaven with a living God? Will you be reincarnated? Will you burn in a firey infinity? Will you merely blink out? I can't answer those questions. I know what I believe, but hey, where's my proof right?
How do I know that I will live with my God forever in a huge masion built specially for me? How do I know that I will walk hand in hand with his Son one day on streets of gold? I just know. Kind of like when you were a kid, and you knew for a fact that bunnies didn't lay eggs, and that the easter bunny couldn't be real. You just knew. Of when your kid brother scratched up your favorite cd, and claimed that he didn't, but you knew that they did. And, your parents wouldn't believe you. You just knew that he'd done it. Maybe I'm not using the right analogies. I don't care. I'm not here to sweet talk you into believing what I believe. That's not my job. My job is to let you know what I believe.
I believe in a living God. An almighty God. I believe that this God of mine had a Son, and he was born unto a virgin, and his name was Jesus. I believe that the son of my living God died for me, and because of him, I will live eternally with Him. I believe that God is forgiving, and that I can talk to him like I can talk to my best friend. I believe that I'm a princess. Daughter to a heavenly King. I believe that I have the greatest Father ever, because he is the greatest. He is the Father. He's my Father. He's your Father. He's the kid next door's Father. That's what I believe.
No. I can't give you proof. Show you a magically burning bush, part the Red Sea, turn water into wine, or heal a dying leper. But I can show you my heart. Show you that special place that's reserved for Him. I can show you the beautiful feelings. I can show you lives from over thousands and thousands of years that He's changed. I can show you written accounts of people witnessing miracles by Jesus's hands. The list goes on and on...but it doesn't really matter. Because I just know.
Sometimes I just get into moods where I just want to write. Right now I just want to write to you.
So last night I was rambling. I ramble alot, and most of the time it goes no where, but last night actually had a point.
I was talking about dreams. Dreams and how I felt like dreams were my direct connection with God. I can talk to God at any point and time in my life. At any moment I can stop and say, "God," and he'll be listening. But, when does God talk back to you? It's different for everyone. God can talk to you through a friend, or a song, or even a puppy. But you have to figure out how God talks to you.
God talks to me daily. In flowers, smells, songs. Everything. And I love it. But I get to talk to God even when I'm asleep. No, I don't see this mighty being in front of me saying, "Brittany, don't do that." But, still, he talks to me.
I can have a horrible day, and I'll get home, and get to sleep and have one of the most wonderful dreams of a past memory that I love, and I'll wake up thinking..."wo
I can have a bad day another day, and I'll get home, and get to sleep and I'll dream of my day, but it'll be worse. A nightmare. And I'll wake up thinking, "wow. And that's it. Wow. I had a bad day, and God let me know, "Hey, It could have been worse. You handled it well."
It's things like that, ya know. I dunno. I'm weird. I just felt like talking, and that's what was on my mind. I'm gonna go chill, peeps.
Holla back. ha.
Hey Kids...I so just posted three new pictures for you guys...so, yeah. Go check them, yo.
I think I'm going crazy. I'm in desperate need of someone to rp with. Someone help me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't rp'ed in about three months. I think I'm sick. And now, when I'm in dire need of rp'ing...I can't find a good topic, or someone to play with. *pouts*
So, I'm here at Kaytee's and she's cleaning, and I'm bored. *sigh* I hate boredom. It's just so...boring. Ya know? So anyways, I just got finished watching Pretty in Pink, and it was as good as it was the time before when I watched it. This morning I had a self esteem boost, only to have someone bring it right back down. I hate it when that happens. Ah, well. My right shoe ripped again. I almost cried...For those of you who don't know. I have low top converses that I worship. I've had them for about two years now, and the back canvas is ripping. When I can't wear them anymore I'm going to put them in a glass case, then die. I'm going bowling tonight. I'm a terrible bowler though. This is going to be interesting. But, not only are we going bowling, but we're going bowling in the town I moved from two years back. I get to make a fool of myself while my childhood peers watch! YAY!!! I'm kinda excited about it.
Anywho...I'm gonna go now. Peace, my homies.
To Whom It May Concern:
I love you. No, really.
Ok...so...Im bored, and I suddenly realized I've never posted in this thing, so! TADA! Here is a post.
It's wonderful isn't it?
How about now?
Ok, hush up, will you?
I'm trying. Ok, I'm not. I'm hyper, bored, and I want to meet new people, but can't seem to find someone worthy.