[AleriaLumina]'s diary

1153387  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2012-09-01
Written: (2778 days ago)


Dark shadows
Dark places

Give me solace
Give me light
I need my soul mate

One chance
Just one more chance
I'll prove I'm worthy
I'll prove I'm worth it

One look
One glance
One moment in passing time
Let me show you who I am
Let me show you who I can be

Back from the dead
Life's second chance
No more pain or fear

Can't I try again?

My one desire
My one desperate want
My one solitary need
Won't you see me as I am?
Will you not turn away?

Take me with you, if you can
Take me with you, have mercy
My heart beats in time with yours
Can't you feel it pounding?
Can't you hear it crying for you?

I don't fulfill expectations
I'm below the average
Will you still see my wings?
Oh my beloved...
Insecurity is my nemesis

Near or far, I'll love you
No matter what you choose
Haven't I always been here?
Oh yes, I'll still belong to you

Can't you hear me calling for you?
Don't you know I'm dying?
Give me life
Give me love
For both will sustain
But remember
They are one and the same

Silver lining
That one ray of starlight
Through the clouds
Your voice telling me
You love me
Can I possibly measure up?

Hope gives me star light
Hope gives me strength
But only you
Only you
Can give me you

Hear me...

1130058  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-02-09
Written: (3347 days ago)

Day after endless day
A never ending sorrow
Awaiting your return
Longing for your voice
Longing for your words
Can you hear me cry out for you?

Each day I awaken
And never are you there
Is it like the others?
Is it abandonment too?
I won't believe it
I can't believe it
Our love is real

It calls to me in my sleep
That doubt that frightens me
It whispers its poison
Expects me to give in
I shan't my love
I shan't!

I'll hold on with both hands
To our love that is so true
I'll reach for that other half
Of my soul that I know is you
And until you return
I know deep in my heart
We shall survive this departure
This torment of separation

1128751  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2011-01-16
Written: (3371 days ago)

As I look at my life
I see the changes I've made
And how you influenced my happiness
How you've shown me love
You give me the sun
And chase the shadows away
You've given me life
And the hope to survive
I'm sick, my love
But I am not dead
For you give me breath
And you give me sensation
For which I'll always be grateful
I wish I could return
The gifts you given me
And be for you
What for me you'll always
Just be with me
Be with me always dear one
And I'll always

1128617  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2011-01-14
Written: (3374 days ago)

A Few of My Old Works:

She looks in the mirror
She sees what she hates
A body that no one
Would ever want to date

She'd tried all the diets
She'd tried all the pills
But nothing could satisfy
Her weight loss wills

Her body was gross
She knew it was true
How she cried as she looked
At her disgusting view

She pushed her food away
She hid it when she could
And yet the pounds were always there
And she feared they always would

Day after day
Her mirror still lied
And as time passed over
The poor girl, she died

The coroner sighed
As she called out the weight
"White. Female. Eighteen years old."
"Pounds, 98"

The girl only saw
What her mind wanted to see
She was so small and pretty
But her mind saw obese

As I look in the mirror
At 174
I sigh and I cry
"Can I gain any more?"

I know in my heart
I'm not THAT overweight
But still I cringe at myself
And wonder if it's too late

I exercise daily now
But I can't seem to stop
Eating so much
And my weight doesn't drop

I think of that girl
And wonder if I could be like that
In a month or so of "dieting"
If I'd still think I'm fat

So tomorrow I'll skip breakfast
And maybe dinner too
It's not a big deal
You'd do it if it were you

The Numbness sets in
She can't feel a thing
She closes her eyes and
She takes off her ring

She waits for the silence
That tells they've all gone to bed
She pulls out her razor
Remembering what had been said

"It's over.I don't want you "
"This engagement is done"
And never again
Would she feel the sun

Tears slid down her cheeks
As she held the razor to her wrist
She pulled it down hard
And tensed with a hiss

The pain was excruciating
She sighed with release
Pain she could control
A urge she could please

The blood runs down her arms
A laugh escapes her throat
Another wave of pleasure
At what fate, for her, had wrote

Her heart rate slows drastically
Her head begins to spin
And the battle between the ups and the downs
Finally, the downs will win

She shakily reaches for the mirror
And writes his name with her blood
Maybe the world wouldn't know why she died
But she knew somewhere, he would

"I love you, baby" She whispered
And slowly she closed her eyes
And wish a final breath of deliverance
The broken fiance dies

Trapped forever in a pit of sorrow
Never knowing what is held by tomorrow
Always the same, never moving forward
Eyes closed tightly, not knowing what I'm moving toward

Can't see the sun. Can't see the stars.
Staring at the streets. Wishing to walk into the cars.
Looking off the bridge, wanting to jump into the water
Wishing, hoping, and yet never being the perfect daughter.

Can't you see me? I'm trapped here alone.
Can't you hear me? My screams chill me to the bone.
Come for me, please. I can't take anymore.
Don't leave me here now, like some pathetic, no good whore.

I can't take it. I can't do this. Please save me.
Take me into your arms and shelter me from the madness. The insanity.
Nothing to do. Nothing to see.
Always stuck inside a life travesty.

Can't you see me? I'm trapped here alone.
Can't you hear me? My scream has turned into a moan.
Rescue me. Take me, far from this place.
Give me your love and wrap me in lace.

Give me solace. Give me sanctuary. Give me breath to live.
And take from me anything. I have only me to give.
I can't take it here anymore. I can't handle the pain.
I vow to you now. Leave me here. I'll go insane.

Always alone. Always waiting. Always trapped.
Like the wind, my strength is draining. It's been slapped.
Ever taking. Ever wanting. Never giving me any peace.
And I give. And I give. Always wanting it to cease.

Give me peace. Give me solace. Give me a way out of here.
Please, love. I beg of you.. Take me from this endless fear.
Oh the loneliness. Oh the pain. Oh the sorrow.
If only time would pass quickly, so that day would be tomorrow.

Here I wait. Here I stand. Broken, trapped, in slavery and in pain.
Here I wait for you to come for me,through sunshine and through rain.
Ever waiting, longing. Though truth, against my face, has slapped.
Until the day comes when you save me. When I'm no longer trapped.

What's it like, to be loved by you?
I never thought I'd tell the truth...
The lies, the pain, the cheating times.
And all of your other foolish crimes.
When things get rough, you turn away.
What else more is there to say?
Can you feel the pain you've brought?
Do you now remember, what you once forgot?
I remember, oh yes..I do.
What it's like to be loved by you.
I used to think you were the one.
Back before the battle begun.
I stood by you, and made the jump.
And landed in a battered lump.
Still I prepared to catch.
And made a spark with a single match.
I begged to make the fire grow.
I looked at you...But you said "No."
I tried and tried, to no avail.
But determined you were, for my trail to derail.
And now, this girl, this someone new..
Asks "What's it like to be loved by you?"
A part of me wishes to tell her the truth.
To save her and her precious youth..
And a part of me still, cries out to say
Untrue things, his crimes - downplay
Because the truth still remains
I want for him, his happiness to attain
But someday, love..I promise true.
I'll tell them all...What it's like to be loved by you..

My heart is in shambles
My mind is in pieces
How could this happen
I just can't believe it

You've broken my heart
Like you said you'd never do
You're treated me with cruelty
I'm not sure if still I trust you

How could you hurt me
And reach for someone new
When all you kept asking me
Was for me to stay true

I shouldn't have pried
I shouldn't have gone through your things
But when you hardly speak to me now
What did you expect, what did you think?

I needed to be sure
That you were really mine
Instead I found the truth of you
You can't go back this time

Sorry isn't going to work
Apologies won't due
I've had it with how you've treated me
I'm finally through with you

Hiding is what I’m good at
Giving up is what I do
But suddenly things have changed for me
Including the way I look at you

I want to be good at this
But I know I won’t succeed
So I’m juts going to spell it out for you
You’re the one I need

It’s taken a long time to say that
And maybe I’m not saying it right
But to be honest, my dear one
I never promised I’d be very bright

You’ve been a stranger, you’ve been a friend
And promised you’d be there always
And with those words you whispered
You set my heart ablaze

When we talk I laugh and smile
A rarity for me nowadays
But if you promise to let that stay the same
I’ll promise to be yours always

So here I am finally
Pouring my heart out in rhyme
Hoping not to look like a fool
For not telling you this all the time

Love is a hard word for me now
It’s use in the past was so light
I’ve been hurt, broken and bruised all my life
That saying it now just doesn’t seem right

I don’t know for sure if you feel the same
And I’ll understand if you say “Not at all”
But to be honest to you, my dear one
For you, I’ve begun to fall

To a world who doesn't care
She calls out, begs for mercy
Anger, Disappointment, despair
They rain down on her, wreaking havoc

Her eyes are cold and empty
Her smile hasn't shown in ages
Nothing can bring her back from
The ending she has brought forth upon herself

No one sees the pain in her
No one hears her silent screams
"Help me" she whispers to the night
Nothing happens. No one comes.

Tears no longer fall from her eyes
They gave up ages ago
Sadness no longer effects her
Emotionless now, she has become

Soon the storm will subside
Soon the air will settle
And when they all see her motionless on the ground
They will ask "Why didn't anyone stop this?"

If they only knew how guilty they are.
If they only could be judged for their ignorance
They would see she cried out. They would see she screamed.
They did nothing.

Every night she hungers
For a warmth she cannot find
Every morning she wakes
To a feeling that is not kind

At night she waits patiently
For his touch to bring her peace
She longs for him endlessly
To set her soul at ease.

But never does the peace come
Never is she at rest
For life has decided to wrong her
To put her loyalty to test

So alone she must go this journey
Until her time is through
And then she'll be given what she longs for most
Him. Beside her. Someone to sleep next to

His scent no longer lingers
In her sheets or on her bed
Her pillow no longer comforts her
When the nights get inside her head

Her sadness overwhelms her
Her sanity wills lowly slip
Until comes the day when it doesn't subside
And the loneliness will not be whipped

She won't give in to adultery
She won't find comfort in life
The pain will overwhelm her mind
And she'll find comfort in her knife

Her room used to be bright and happy
But now it is flooded in red
And all the remains is what has always been
A empty heart and an empty bed

Here I am alone
With no one by my side
No one seems to care
About the feelings that I hide.

"He hurt you." They say
"Get over it" they sigh
But none of them understand
What it's like

Can you say you know what goes on in my heart?
Can you honestly understand why my love won't depart?
I'm pretty sure that all you know is what's on the outside of me
I'm alone and waiting

You told me you'd always come for me
You told me to hold on
But then you never came
And now I'm waiting for the dawn

How much longer can I wait?
Did you lie to my face?
Cause the love I need
Your lies and apologies can't replace

Can you say you know what goes on in my heart?
Can you honestly understand why my love won't depart?
I'm pretty sure you've forgotten all the love that I gave to you.
I'm alone and waiting

One day you're gonna know you were wrong
Oh yes, one day I know you're broken heart will come along
And you'll beg for me back, with your eyes all sad and starry
But I'll tell you Sorry...

Can you say you know what goes on in my heart?
Can you honestly tell me you loved me from the start?
I'm pretty sure you'll live without me, cause I made it without you
I'm not alone anymore.
I quit waiting..That's for sure..

I hope you enjoy this revelation...

Are you alone and waiting?
Yeah just keep waiting...

Up on a pedestal
High as can be
I see her looking
Back at me
Hatred roars
In my head
The past becomes
The Wretched undead
She glares at me
And turns away
I stand my ground
Prepared to stay
I'll hold on to
The pain so true
And I'll whisper softly
"It's just me and you"
Her pedestal will lower
And the battle will begin
And I'll take my fighting stance
No knowing who will win
She matches my attack
Move for move
And for a split second
I fear I may lose
Courage sinks in
And I try even more
And I double my strength
And I let out a roar
I pull out my knife
And she does the same
I charge towards her and she smiles
Like this is some silly game
My blade makes contact
And a shatter is heard
Confusion and Shock
"Why, this is absurd."
There is glass everywhere
And she is gone from my sight
And suddenly I know the truth
My heart and head see the light
I gasp for breath
As I fall to my knees
Mirrors...Mirrors. The person I hated
It was me
All this time
I lied to my soul
And never saw the mirror
I thought I played a different role
But truth is in mine eyes
And action is the key
The lies were in my head
What I saw was really me
There was no pedestal
There was no other one
Just me and my lying mirror
Look what these lies have done
I've become submissive
I've become so weak
And silence fills the air
Where once I had courage to speak
But now I see the truth
Mine eyes will hold no doubt
A new voice will take over
I'll let the beast inside, out
She'll consume the fear
She'll take in all the ends
And when she is finished
Anew I will begin

1128491  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-01-12
Written: (3376 days ago)

In the deepest places of my heart
Where no light had ever shone
A brightness now emerges
His life is my light
Finally, he is my own

In the darkest shadow of my soul
Where doubt had grown to live
The sun is finally shining
His smile is my air
My love, to him, I give

My wings no longer needed
To shelter from a storm
He is my protection
He is my solace
No longer apart are we torn

My love, My own
You are all I have
All I need
You are my heaven
And my deliverance

I'll do anything
For you, my love. For you
I'd cross the desert, darling
To prove that this is true

 The logged in version 

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