i sent this to cheer my friend, [maup]
to warm your heart, i give a rose
hold it close up to your nose
breath in deep that sweet smell
it's gived to you for wishes well
let it's beauty soften your eyes
and it's timeless class make you wise
open to the day with petals spread wide
let it bring peace to slow your stride
let your heart jump like a lil boy
and let me give you the gift of joy.
this, very sweetly, was his reply
having received this lovely gift
all my senses and spirits did lift
feeling now like a little boy
one whom has received a new little toy
i take the day in
like there's a new begin
you are so sweet it is true
now i owe a joyious day all to you
that gentleman is truely a blessing,
and one of the greatest writers i've ever met
*hugs* to my dear friend maurice
understanding: i try to be
interesting: i hope so
random: at times
moody: not really
hard working: yes
organized: don't look at my room
healthy: not really
shy: not as much any more
attractive: some say yes
bored easily: yes
messy: at times
responsible: over all
obsessed: i can be
angry: not very often
who do you wanna...
kill: my real father
get really wasted with: my friends
get high with: no one
look like: myself, just thinner
talk to offline: my gentleman friends
talk to online: my gentleman friends..*gigg
in the morning I am: going to sleep
all I need is: music, poetry, and someone to love me
love is: a very hard thing to find
I dream about: random shit
what do you notice first: eyes
last person you slow danced with: my now ex-boyfriend
worst question to ask: i dunno..
makes you smile: watching kids play, or just seeing adaroble kids
who do you have a crush on: hmmm honestly, which one?
do you ever...
sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you: sometimes
wish you were a member of the opposite sex: no
wish you were younger: no, i wanna stay 21 forever
cry because someone said something to you: i have.. people are mean sometimes
of times I have had my heart broken: 6
of hearts I have broken: 3
of cds I own: 164
of scars on my body: too many, but they're all baby scars
of times you've had sex: damn, you actually want a number for that one?
of people you had sex with: 11
do you like fillings these out: yes
gold or silver: silver
what was the last film you saw at the movies: catwoman
favorite cartoon/anime: Tom & Jerry, Looney Tunes
what did you have for breakfast this morning: nothing
who would you love being locked in a room with: hmmm *thinks...eeni
could you live without your computer: no probably not
would you color your hair: yes
could you ever get off the computer: i do sometimes
habla espanol: un poco
how many people are on your buddy list: to many to count
drink alcohol: yes
smoke(pot or ciggerettes): yes.. i'm trying to lay off the green though
(x) next to true things, (-) next to false things.
(-) I HAVE NEVER BEEN DRUNK
(-) I HAVE NEVER SMOKED POT
(-) I HAVE NEVER KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(-) I HAVE NEVER KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(x) I HAVE NEVER CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO JAPAN
(x) I HAVE NEVER RIDDEN IN A TAXI
(-) I HAVE NEVER HAD ANAL SEX
(-) I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
(-) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX
(-) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(-) I HAVE NEVER BEEN DUMPED
(-) I HAVE NEVER SHOPLIFTED
(-) I HAVE NEVER BEEN FIRED
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD A THREESOME
(-) I HAVE NEVER SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING
(x) I HAVE NEVER PISSED ON MYSELF
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(-) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
(-) I HAVE NEVER MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(-) I HAVE NEVER STOLEN SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(x) I HAVE NEVER CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIMES SQUARE
(-) I HAVE NEVER GONE ON A BLIND DATE
(-) I HAVE NEVER LIED TO A FRIEND
(-) I HAVE NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(x) I HAVE NEVER CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO EUROPE
(x) I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(-) I HAVE NEVER THROWN UP IN A BAR
(-) I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH AN EX
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH FOUR OR MORE PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX ON THE BEACH
(x) I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYONE
(-) I HAVE NEVER RIDDEN IN A TRAIN
(-) I HAVE NEVER MADE OUT WITH A FAT GIRL
(-) I HAVE NEVER SKIPPED SCHOOL
(x) I HAVE NEVER CUT MYSELF ON PURPOSE
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX AT THE OFFICE
(-) I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROPOSED TO
(x) I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED
(x) I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN DIVORCED
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD CHILDREN
(x) I HAVE NEVER BROKEN A BONE
(x) I HAVE NEVER PURPOSELY SET A PART OF MYSELF ON FIRE
i live my life
under moon's sky
night by night
my life drifts by
i cannot walk
in the bright sun
if i ever,
my life is done
i thrist for blood
from human veins
in taking lives
my power gains
my life goes on
without an end
shadows are home
and darkness friend
an empty heart
tears me apart
i'll live by night
and sleep by day
till death finds me
and ends my play
An entry in [Kaimee]'s diary::
Written about Saturday 2005-03-19
hum. you know, when youre supposedly over someone. and resigned to the fact that youve... ended things. or things just ended themselves, when you wanted them to, but it was never quite conclusive in the fact that you never actually mentioned to them that it was over and dead and done with....
well then, supposing you had slight second thoughts.
not real ones, because youre quite happy minus Him, and thats what you wanted. But its sad yanno.
And then say, you found out he just thought you were pissed off at him, therefore he was pissed off at you and not talking to you, and you thought "well, that will work nicely, we'll just not speak to each other again" and accustomed yourself to THAT.
well supposing.. your phone got a msg saying you had an email thingy waiting for you...
WHY IS YOUR FUCKING HEART LEAPING ABOUT IN YOUR BODY IF YOURE OVER HIM?
i dont normally get myself terribly involved in 'relationships
is this the normal thing? Is this what its like with everyone you break up with? like, is it supposed to be this way? or am i not really all 'over and done' with him?
and how much would you want to kill someone if that email server was down? >.<;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
My reply to her entry::
sweetie, I totally understand your diary entry. I've been there too, wat too many times, it never really gets out of your system, and then it gets so bad that you even if you find someone worthy enough for all of your heart, you can't give i to him, because the others before him still linger. I had a great relationship with James [nameless ever more]. He's really a wonderful guy. but then an ex,Roy, came up and everything got ruined. I regret a 2 week visit to tennessee because of James, becasue i had so much fun down there and everything, all my problems were forgotten for 2 weeks, like i was in a fairytale. but my problem came back even on the bus back, as i was thinking about James. I realized that i messed up so badly and there was no way to fix it. I still miss him and this all happened last august. So I do understand.
Why do I feel so lonely
When you're not around?
I feel so empty inside;
Like standing on hollowed ground.
I feels like this place is empty,
Though there's people on all sides;
Like stranded on the side of the road,
And one's offering me any rides.
I look at the ring on my finger,
And my lips curl into a smile.
The stone sparkles like your eyes,
But it only comforts me for a while.
I yearn for your sweet kiss.
I long to be held in your arms.
Come rescue me, my prince,
And seduce me with your charms.
I know life with you will be a challenge
But loving you will be simple for me.
You, with your heart so huge,
With your awesome personality.
You have such an open mind,
It can barely be believed,
That you would love even me.
Guess because of how I'm normally perceived.
I want things to be done right,
And planning the future's a little fast.
I don't want things to go wrong,
I don't want to relive the past.
I know things are right with you.
I feel it deep inside my soul.
And my love for you exceeds
The limit of my heart as a whole.
You mean so much to me
That's why I'm so lonely now.
But I know I'll be with you soon.
So I will get by some how.
Untill that time, Darlin',
Ypu will remain in my heart
Know that I'm thinking of you.
And that our spirits will never part.
I wrote this for my friend whose daughter ranway.
Luckly, she's been found and has now come back home.
To My Daughter:
At fifteen years of age,
You think you know it all.
Now I sit by the phone,
Waiting for the cops to call.
Maybe you've been arrested
Or maybe you've been found dead.
I pray that you're alive and well,
And not laying in a pool of red.
I thought you needed my help;
I thought you needed direction.
Everything I've done for you,
I've done for your protection.
I gave you all I never had.
I thought my love would be enough.
And knowing that you hate me,
Makes it so very rough.
The love that I have for you,
Is deeper than I've ever known.
And your words have hurt me,
More than I've ever shown.
You left with such harsh words
That greatly wounded me, your mother.
In all my life, this is the worst heartbreak,
When comparing it to any other.
I know I'm not the best,
But I'm also not the worst.
As soon as I can find you,
I'll be the one to hug you first.
I know I've disappointed you,
Because you went off like a bomb.
And I'll try do better, but after all,
I can only be what and who I am, your mom.
My Narrow Road:
There is a narrow road
that my mind walks alone.
I never would have started
if I had only known.
Shrouded in this darkness
that saturates my every cell;
No one's on this lonely path
to even wish me well.
The desolate solitude
is almost to much to take,
and being alone for so long
has caused my heart to ache.
To be myself, no matter what,
this was the road I took.
Now no one understands me.
They don't even try to look
through the rules of society
and their ideals of the norm.
Dependent of first immpressions
and concentrated on one's form.
I'm confused of how I feel.
Cheerfully morbid to say it right..
Lover of the day's warm sun;
yet a child of the night.
I'm proud of who I am,
but I'm lonely, just the same.
To walk this narrow road alone,
was truely not my aim.
My Creed As A PUNK!
To dress how I want to:
without care of others' opinions,
with style in which I feel comfortable,
and with representation of my true self.
To have a wide range of friends:
with discrimination only to those who discriminate first,
with the ability to get along with all,
and with open acceptance to other outsiders.
To be myself:
with acting how I want to act,
with dressing how I want to dress,
with my own mind and decisions,
and with a presence not easily forgotten.
This is my creed as a PUNK;
not only in style,
but in attitude and personality;
and this is how I will remain.
Don't give me your problems.
I've got enough of my own.
I try to keep a happy face
So my distress isn't shown.
I've got bills, but no job,
And now my credit is blown.
I guess it could've been stopped.
I guess I should've known.
But don't give me your problems.
I don't need your's too.
I'm just hoping the people
From my wreck, don't sue.
And so much is coming at once.
I just don't know what to do.
Bankruptcy is all that will fix it.
But for the rest, I wish I knew.
So don't give me your problems.
They don't compare to mine.
You are crying over love.
Your tears make your cheeks shine.
You have things you regret?
Well, so do I, get in line.
Cause you've got problems
That don't compare to mine.
The wind howls at my window.
My window where I see.
I see the storm raging onward.
Onward through out this dreary night.
This dreary night makes me long for him.
For him and me in his arms.
His arms, so strong is his embrace.
His embrace that calms my fear.
My fear of how violent this storm is.
This storm is fast with lots of thunder.
Thunder so quick after the flash.
The flash of lightning so bright.
So bright and well defined.
Defined by striking twice.
Twice now so close to the house.
The house in which I'm hiding.
I'm hiding away from the window.
The window that the wind howls at.
no one ever sees
the majestic power
i am honestly
to even begin
and no one tries
i can't keep from my sin
i simply just can't win
i try to be
especially with my pen
but i can't show all
of who i am
i have to hold some in
maybe you'll see
some more of me
after i've had some gin.
The Starting Way:
On Bare feet
With painted toes;
The color, only God knows.
The bright morning sun
Lights my paths.
This is the starting way
Of a beautiful August day.
Squirrels scurry off,
Seeing me draw near.
A bird chirps and sings,
Fluttering his wings.
Life is all around me.
I can feel it with each step.
Haven't you ever felt power,
By simply holding s flower?
The trees are abundant,
Tall, and beautiful beings.
Unique in how they're bent.
Each having their own scent.
Evergreen fill my nostrils,
As I walk a little further.
I see a nest in a tree;
High atop a Hickory.
Insects help to pollenate
The beauty that has grown.
Flowers are all about me
They're Nature's potpourri.
Multitudes of color,
A bright and contrasting bunch.
It's like an entire rainbow,
On the ground, does grow.
As my Nature's walk
Comes to a close,
The sun says good-bye
Covered by clouds so high.
A sigh of content
With Nature as a whole.
This was the starting way
Of a beautiful August day.
7*12*2004 10:20 AM
Be Still, My Heart
Be still, my heart, it is only the wind that holds you captive;
Nothing but the haunting memory of past whims.
My poor heart, you have become too adaptive,
And it is that quality that condemns.
Your openness and tolerance is so high,
That you are not very choosy.
While this is normally good, do sigh,
For it had turned me into a floozy.
Better your judgement and straighten up.
And do not dwell on your past.
Cease chasing love like a little pup,
Only then shall any of your loves last.
Heed these words, they are fair and just.
You will see that they prove true.
Batten down your hold on lust,
And your aches will become few.
3/18/04 6:33 PM