[WARNING... WARNING... DANGER!DANGER! WILL ROBINSON DANGER! Wiki may cause you to laugh out loud. Do not drink or eat while reading... You have been warned. Ok this is a joke page. Tell jokes. racist jokes are not aloud. but besides that post jokes. if anything i type in here offends you please tell me. And i will laugh in your face.] An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, a kid came walking by. Spying a frog, the kid grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said, "Frog, I's gon cut yo' legs off." The he said, "Frog, after I gets don' cuttin' yo legs off, I's gon' stick this here popsickle stick up yo' butt, and then, frog......." This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed the kid, and said, "Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to you!" The kid said, "Frog, dis here's yo' lucky day, 'cause I's gonna kiss yo' ass." King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless. This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way . All of them, except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless. [this is for people who hate men or just like to male bash all my female riends usually love it] wht is the useless piece of skin attached to the male penis.... the body. This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . On the road again . . ." The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the doc "Any asshole can sing country music!" Here I sit all broken hearted, came poop but only farted the other day i took a chance i tried to fart but shat my pants Found on a 1$ bill i got as change from a hoyts cinima if someone tells me how to put pics in here ill scan it and post it [ if you want some ass you better get a job cause you cant get any with this little bit of cash.] There once was a woman named Alice Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus. They found her vagina Up in North Carolina , And the rest of poor Alice in Dallas. whats the difference between a drug dealer and a whore... a whore can clean her crack and sell it again A kid had been fooling around with fireworks in his back yard. He ran in through the back door loudly proclaiming, " Mum, Mum, I just stuck a Roman Candle up a duck's ass" His mother, dismayed with this turn of phrase corrects the child. "Rectum dear, rectum." The boy responded, "Wrecked 'im? Nearly blew his f*cking head off!" The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!" One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection . Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way! He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!" At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!" A farmer had a turkey farm but the turkeys were to stupid to mate. So he pays a local retarded kid to jerk off the turkeys to collect the sperm so he can breed the turkeys by hand. so the kid is going around jerking the turkeys and one looks up and says "gobble gobble" the kid says "Screw you man your getting a hand job like everyone else" If PRO and CON are opposets Then what is the opposet of PROgress... CONgress what do you call a pickled female deer... Dildo (Dilldoe) how do you tell if a blond is haveing a ba day... she has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her pencil. The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." The New (insert football team you dont like) football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. The Head Coach, immediately suspended practice while New Orleans police and federal investigators were called in to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again. A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf. Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you." Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!" Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!! MISSED THE BUGGER!" Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder. God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!" A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?" Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"Bill then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..." Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" A man walks into a bar and says Ouch mutha fucka that hurt. A priest a nun and a rabi walk into a bar the bar tender says whats this a joke? WHYat do you call some that lives on the indian cost... FUCKED! ha ha. Check it out http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/12/28/tsunami.deaths/index.html A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a black telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this black phone is, in fact, a direct line to hell and if he paid the price he can talk directly to Satan and he will tell you if you will go to hell. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Bath Maine. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual black telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this black telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Hell and that I could talk to Satan, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Bath Maine now, and it's a local call. R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry) from [@97710] Her precocious six-year old daughter came tugging at the mother's skirt, asking, "Mommy, can I have a baby?" "Of course not, dear," the mother replied, without missing a stroke of her ironing. "Are you sure?" the little girl persisted. "Certainly," said the mother. As she ran to rejoin her playmates in the yard, the child called out, "OK, fellas, same game!" What does a twelve year old from (insert state you dont like usually from the south) Say after she is done haveing sex? "Get off dad. Your crushing my smokes. There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying: TREE FELLERS WANTED. "Ohhh, to be sure, to be sure!" said one, "what a shame there’s only the two of us!" Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you." "I had a hard time at the bank today. I tried to take out a loan and they pulled a real attitude with me. Apparently, they won't accept the voices in my head as references." Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!" A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson." There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why, Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola." WARNING... WARNING... DANGER!DANGER! WILL ROBINSON DANGER! ADULT JOKE AHEAD! These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. "Now THAT'S a good date!" Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye , 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill." An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into? The first motel she could find! Here's A Concise Sex Manual For Computer Experts: 1. Be user friendly. 2. Take bytes. (nibbles..hehe) 3. Fondle joystick. 4. Spread sheet. 5. Fix surge protector. 6. Activate hardware. 7. Insert disc, all the way. (yes! yes!) 8. Do it 'til it megabytes. 9. Back it up. 10. Eject floppy. The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through." Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said walking up to her, "but in a little while, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. I would like to have someone to share it with. Will you come home with me?" The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother. A middle aged couple is watching TV when an Evangalist comes on and promises to heal the sick. "If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch. Seeing this, his wife says, "Gee honey, he said 'heal the sick', not raise the dead!" A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." Well, what the hell? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked."So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer." A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story, too.After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?" Two prostitutes are standing on a corner, one prostitute says "Tonight is gonna be a good night, I can smell dick in the air". The other prostitute replies, "Sorry, I just burped" Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he foung his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 postion. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air." ------------------------------------------------------------- This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay damnit, I'll do the dishes!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio." ------------------------------------------------------------- Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified ------------------------------------------------------------- In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!" ------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis. "Sorry," says the taller man."I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!" "Well," says the leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long." "Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!" "Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!" Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?" Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..." "Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the ashing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later , the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my God... And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?" ------------------------------------------------------------- Two idiots drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX." So the idiot filled up and asked to play the contest and said, " I Guess 7." "Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2," said the idiot. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As the two idiots were walking back to the car, one idiot said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other idiot, "My wife won twice last week." ------------------------------------------------------------- Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night." The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night." The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!" ------------------------------------------------------------- A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turn on a night-light, turn on the answering machine, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phone the local cab company and request a taxi. The taxi arrives, and the couple opens the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the taxi driver to know the house will be empty. So, she explains to him that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car. ------------------------------------------------------------- An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Bubba At 4am the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances Love Bubba ------------------------------------------------------------- WHEN MAN was first created, all the parts of the body were having a dispute over WHO was going to be boss. The brain spoke up saying:" I should be boss because I create & process thought "." Big deal," says the stomach," I feed the rest of you" The legs speak up " So you eat & think , how you going to get anywhere "? The arms say "How ya going to eat if I don't feed ya'"? This exchange goes on for awhile until the asshole speaks up timidly & declares: " I kinda would like to be boss." All the rest of the body cracks up laughing until the asshole gets SO pissed, he locks up tight. The next couple days of this, the brain gets woozy, the legs buckle, the arms weaken, the stomach sickens & they all break down & do decide to indeed ,make the asshole boss. THE MORAL : It does'nt take brains to be boss, just an Asshole. ------------------------------------------------------------- A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..." ------------------------------------------------------------- Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy." "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy". ------------------------------------------------------------- One day in Heaven St. Peter was noticing that it was gettin crowed in Heaven. So he decided who ever died the worst will get in Heaven. He went up to the first guy and asked him how did he die. The first guy said, "Well i swore that my wife was cheatin on me so I went home early and she was in the shower and i checked all around the house. So I went out to the balcony of my hotel and i saw fingers hangin on to the end so i decided to jump on them, the guy fell abt 25 ft and he landed in the bushes and was ok. So i got my 'fridge and I pushed it over.I felt guilty so I killed myself." Well St. Peter thought to him self and that was pretty bad, then he went to the 2nd guy and asked him the same question. He said,"Well I live on the 27th floor of a hotel and I was doin my exersice on the balcony intill all of the sudden i tripped and fell over the balcony and think god I realize I grab the 25th floor and then all of the sudden this guy comes stompin on my fingers and i fell and think god again i fell in bushes but when i looked up i see a fridge landin on me. Then St. Peter thought to him self again tht, that was worse then the first one so he put him to side with the first guy. Then he went to the 3rd guy and asked him the same question. The 3rd guy said "Picture this, I was in a fridge hidin.... ------------------------------------------------------------- Two Elderly women were sitting on a park bench smoking thier cigarettes when it starts to rain then one reaches into her purse pulls out a condom snipped off the end pulls it over her cigarette and continues while her friend remarked how clever that was and that she was going to pick up some at the store for just suck an emergency. on the way home she stopped at a store and asked the clerk if they sell condems? the clerk remarks to the lady "Yes we do and just what size will you be needing?" he asked with a bit of a smirk." I don't know what size just give me something that will fit a camel!" ------------------------------------------------------------- A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created the pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt. ------------------------------------------------------------- An Indian walks into a whore house. He approaches the Madam behind the front desk. She takes a look at him and asks, "Well, how can I help you?" The Indian replies," Mmmm, me need'um woman." Madam- "Do you have money?" The Indian says "Me have'um money."the Madam replys "Do you have experience?" The Indian looked a little perplexed and repied, " mmmmm..... me have'um no experience." So the Madam hands the Indian a jar of Vasoline and starts to give him some instructions. "There's an oak tree outside with a hole in it. Go out there and practice, and come back when you are ready." So the Indian goes out there and does his thing, and is back in just a few minutes. Indian says " Me ready for woman now." Madam replies" Go up the elevator to the fourth floor, last door on the left." So the Indian gets in the elevator, goes to the 4th floor, goes to the last door on the left, and opens it. What he sees next is a porn star quality blonde butt naked, spread eagle on the bed. He takes his shirt off, grabs the broom from the corner of the room, and starts ramming her with it. The whore screamed and hollered until the Madam came running in. She asked the Indian, "What the fuck are you doing?!?" The Indian turned and said," Mmmm....me check'um for bees first!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? " Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent!!" ------------------------------------------------------------- A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. ''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'' ''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.'' ''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?'' ''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face! ------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the condom fly across the room?............ It got pissed off ------------------------------------------------------------- An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago. ------------------------------------------------------------- Tom Shultz, greatest wrestler in all of America, has never been beaten. Tom, undefeated champion of the USA, confident in his title, decides to take on the world. He goes to China, and wins. He goes to Europe, and wins. Tom goes all over the world and remains undefeated, but for one man in Russia, that his trainer refuses to let him wrestle. Finally, his trainer gives in, and they both go to Russia. "Listen to me Tom," his trainer says in a whisper before the match, "your good, by far the best I've ever trained, but this guy has a move that no one has ever been able to get out of... the double pretzel. If you can nullify that move, you might win this match. If you don't, you're done for." The match begins. The two big men circle, sizing each other up. Suddenly, the Russian lunges for Tom, and catches him. Before Tom even knows what's happening, he is bent up into the double pretzel, all his limbs totally useless against the Russian giant. Tom sees his only chance; hanging before his eyes is a big, hairy, sweating nut sac. In Tom's moment of desperation, he reaches out and bites the balls as hard as he can. Suddenly he breaks free, out of the un-stoppable double pretzel, and much to the surprise of all watching, preceded to quickly defeat the undefeatable giant Russian. Toms trainer was there in an instant, leaning over to Tom and asking in no more than a whisper, "How did you break out of the double pretzel, that was supposed to be impossible!!!' Tom, cool, calm, and collected, replies with his shoulders back, head held high, "Coach, You'd be amazed at the strength you can muster when you bite down on your own balls." ------------------------------------------------------------- A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy." The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts." The guy says, "He did??" The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?" The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" ------------------------------------------------------------- there is a fly flying 8 inches above a lake. under this fly was a fish and this fish is thinking boy if I could get this fly to come down 5 inches I could jump out and get it. on theoutside of this lake was a bear and this bear was thinking boy if I could get this fly down 5 inches the fish would jump out and get the fly and I could get the fish. behind this bear is a hunter and this hunter is thinking boy if I could get this fly down 5 inches the fish would jump out get the fly, the bear would get the fish, and I could shoot the bear. this hunter is eating a cheese sandwich. behind the hunter is a mouse the mouse is thinking boy if I could get this fly down 5 inches the fish will jump out get the fly, bear would get the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I could get the cheese. behind this mouse is a cat and this cat is thinking boy if I could that fly down 5 inches the fish would jump out get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich, the mouse would get the cheese and I could get the mouse. a gust of wind came by and knocked the the fly down 5 inches the fish jumped out got the fly, the bear got the fish, hunter shot the bear droped the cheese sandwich, the mouse got the cheese and the cats turn came and the cat tripped on a log and fell into the lake.... what is the moral of the story? ...... every time a fly goes down 5 inches another pussy gets wet...... ------------------------------------------------------------- Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother andcomfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start toring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." ------------------------------------------------------------- Three old ladies walking down the street, a naked guy walks buy, the first lady had a stroke the second lady had a stroke and the third lady couldn't reach. ------------------------------------------------------------- A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys. So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!" ------------------------------------------------------------- there was a one eyed man who walked in to a pet shop he said hi id like to buy that parrot, the clerk saod i think that the bird will ake fun of your one eye the guy says i think i can deal with it he gets the bird home and says polly want a cracker, the bird says fuck you you one eyed bastard then he hits on the head with a spoon he says it again and the bird says fuck you you one eyed bastard then he puts the bird in the microwave for 30 seconds and says it again and again the bird says fuck you you one eyed bastard so he puts it in the freezer and say s he will come back in ten minutes and he falls asleep for 3 hours he wakes up and says oh shit the bird he goes upstairs to get the bird open the freezer and sees the bird frozen solid with his middle finger up and one hand over his eye ------------------------------------------------------------- There were two nurses working in a hospital. One was old and decrepit, the other was young and sexy. One day the old nurse came into the break room and said to the young nurse, "I can't believe what I just saw. That new patient upstairs has a word tattooed on his penis." "I don't believe it," said the young nurse. "It's true", said the old nurse. "He has the word SAM tattooed right on his penis." The young nurse decided to see for herself. She went upstairs and was gone for an hour. When she came back, her clothes were ripped, hair was a mess, and makeup was smeared. "What on earth happened to you?" asked the old nurse. And the young nurse replied, "When you saw it, it said SAM. When I saw it, it said SAM'S BAR AND GRILLE RESTAURANT. CORNER OF TWELFTH AND CHESTNUT STREET. ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO." ------------------------------------------------------------- whats 5 + 46+ 6 ...................... a 3 soem with micheal jackson ------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!" ------------------------------------------------------------- After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". " But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!" This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?" ------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard." ------------------------------------------------------------- luke won a live duck in a bar room drawing, while walking home, he noticed a movie was showing at a theater that hed wanted to see. He walked up to get a ticket and the ticket girl told him he could not bring the duck inside. Down an alley goes luke, who sticks the duck down the front of his pants,goes back and gets his ticket. He sits down in the dark next to a young couple. Half way through the movie, the girlfriend nudges her boyfriend and says "theres a man next to me, and his pants is unzipped and his penis is sticking out. The boyfriend says "well, youve seen one before." "Yes, she replies, but this ones eating popcorn!" ------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call nuts on your chest? Chest nuts What do you call nuts on the wall? Wallnuts What do you call nuts on your chin? A mouth full of cock. ------------------------------------------------------------- Shopping Center Feelup A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting and,like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over he counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!" ------------------------------------------------------------- A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked together, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He finally returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She called him over to where she sat. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said quietly but firmly. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my shoes." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Take off my stockings." With nervous fingers he unfastened them from her garter belt, rolled them off, and placed them neatly by her shoes. "Now take off my skirt." He did so, letting it slide slowly to the floor, all the while watching her eyes in the fire light. "And my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and it too dropped to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly slid the silk tap pants down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire your gay ass so fast you won't know what hit you!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Frank could no longer obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor explains that the surgeon would take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he agrees. The surgeon goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the doctor gives frank the go ahead to "try out your new equipment". That evening, he takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him, so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His stunned wife sat in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. Looking at Frank, she says, "That was pretty cool darling, can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and an agonised look on his face, Frank replied, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass." ------------------------------------------------------------- A guy goes into a bar looking to score with the ladies. He spots two georgeous blondes on the far side and makes a bee line for them. Hell bent on getting his end away, he gets straight in by asking if he can buy them a drink. "Watcha say then ladies....Matcho Mike is buying, what's ya poisen?" The 1st blonde looks at him with a cold expression. "You're not gonna like this, but were lesbians." "Oh?" said Matcho Mike, "You speak good English, what part of Lesbia do you come from?" "No." said the 1st blonde, "you don't understand. Let me put it in plain and simple language for you. Would you like to sniff my friends pussy?" Macho Mike was instantly erectionised "Oooh yeah" he panted. The girl said "OK". Then leaned forward and breathed in his face. ------------------------------------------------------------- An American ventrilaquist was taking time out to tour the world. He reached Australia and decided to leave the cities and take a trip into the outback to see the real australia. Hiring a 4x4 and after travelling 500 miles along dusty roads, he came upon a small shack. Sitting outside the shack was a typical Australian sheep herder, with his trusty dog alongside him. The American stopped and said hello. The Ozzy sneared back "Fuck off!" So, the American thought he'd teach the Ozzy a thing or two. "Does your dog talk?" he asked. "No it fuckin don't" replied the Ozzy. "Hi doggie" said the yank, smiling at the dog, "How's life with you?" And, throwing his voice, the reply came back from the dog. "I'm fine, thanks. My master treats me well, feeds me every a day and lets me do as I please when I'm not working the sheep." The Ozzy was gobsmacked. Turning towards the Ozzy's horse the yank said, "Does your horse talk?" "Course it fuckin don't" sneered the Ozzy. Looking towards the horse, the yank said "Hi Mr Horse, how's things with you today?" Throwing his voice the yank got the horse to reply "Oh, I'm alright, thank you. Life here is pretty lonesome, but I'm fed and watered every day and my master rides me when he's tending his sheep, so I get plenty of exercise." The Ozzy is dumbstruck. and the yank is loving it. "Oh", said the yank, "here's a sheep. Does it talk?" The Ozzy shifted his gaze towards the sheep and said "Not to me, but if it talks to you, don't believe a fuckin word it says!" ------------------------------------------------------------- One day little red riding hood was about to go see her Grandmother. Her mother asked "where are you going little red riding hood?" She said "i am going to Grandma's" "But the big bad wolf is out and you know what he will do right?" "no what will he do?" asked little red riding hood. "He will lift up your dress and play with your tits" little redriding hood pulls out a gun and says i'll be fine. So she walks out the door and starts on the path o the woods on the way she sees the wood cutter who says"where are you going little red riding hood?" She said "i am going to Grandma's" "But the big bad wolf is out and you know what he will do right?" "no what will he do?" asked little red riding hood. "He will lift up your dress and play with your tits" little redriding hood pulls out a gun and says i'll be fine. So she walks on and and a little while later the wolf jumps in front of her and says " Ha i am the big bad wolfdo you know what i am going to do?" " no what are you going to do" Asks lillt red riding hood? "I am going to lift up your dres and play with your tits" little red riding hood pulls out the gun and says "no your not you gunna eat me like it says in the book."