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2009-07-07 13:39:38
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International Byhålenytt Monday 2009-07-06


Headline news: A new newspaper is started!


International Byhålenytt (IB) has arrived in its first issue. The goal of the paper is to bring the high quality closeness that you get from a local newspaper while reporting about world issues. IB will try to be very critical in its reporting to keep the powers of the world bay. Of course with the exception of glorifying our own existence and drive our secret agenda.

Right now there is only one reporter, [Hedda], so there will not be much coverage about the reporters ourself, but when the newspaper eventually is secure in its style and is running well, we'll start hiring more reporters who will get paid in ego-boosts.

IB has really tried to get comments from The Town Herald to see how they perceive this new competition, but the Herald couldn't be reached. It might have to do with that our deadline is in a few minutes and the computer here is having an OS-upgrade, but we'll get back on this later. It's quite clear that the Herald is trying to cover up their lack of real journalistic skills with fancy graphics and writing, which this newspaper will never let in the way of the pure news-reporting.

If you have any story, request or if you just want to say that you read the best newspaper in the world, you're welcome to contact IB! (IB reserve the right to adjust, comment, or discard everything sent in to fit our need of self-glorification, hidden agenda, incompetence and laziness.) Pictures are extra welcome!


Debate: Stop the slam!


It's quite shocking that Wimbledon and other tennis contests are allowed to be called "Grand Slam"! There are a lot of young tennis players dreaming to be very good at tennis, but all those dreams are crushed by these insensitive people who have med sure that the best thing you can win in tennis is slam!


Local election: Mexico


President Felipe Calderóns National Action Party (PAN) is losing the election to the Mexican congress. The Institutional Revolutionary Party (PRI) will win with 34.8% against 27%. And this is despite that the government has fought a very successful war against drugs with more and more deaths.

The people of Mexico have also been busy celebrating Swine Flu (now called something with letters and numbers like HTLV3) so that they for once can send plagues to Europe instead of the opposite, and the country is hit by the financial crisis, so wisely the most stupid half of the population decided to not take part of the election, so that they will not accidentally vote for a bad party.


Reportage: Sauna or no sauna?


There are rumours about that someone in the Thursday 18:00 o'clock sauna gang is planing to have sauna now today on Monday. This would not be the first time, and probably not the last time. IB has not been able to find any confirmation or denial about these rumours. We also tried to reach Barack Obama to comment on the issue, but he seems too busy with meeting Russia's president Medvedev.

Environmental news: Outdoor cows dirty!


The Swedish institute for agricultural and environmental technology (Institutet för jordbruks- och miljöteknik, JTI) has investigated and found out that 300 cows who are outdoors release 7,4 tons of ammoniac per year, while 300 indoor cows release 10,1 tons. Ammoniac has been used since Roman times to clean cloths and such, and therefore IB concludes that outdoor cows are dirty and should be banned.


Tech news: iPhone 3GS Hacked


The iPhone 3GS has been hacked which is a serious blow to Apple, AT&T, all the users and humankind in general. The "hack", called "The purplera1n
jailbreak" is just that, a jailbreak. It means that all the criminals (and everyone else) can now install what-ever they want on their iPhone 3GS without Apple being able to stop them. So basically all the iPhone 3GS that Apple has sold, no longer belongs to Apple, but to the ones who bought them.

If we can't stop this, we will get a capitalist system gone wild where people will really get to own the goods they are paying for. Luckily organizations like RIAA has shown that by extending the legal system to bring positive terror onto the people, free sharing of information can be stopped and millions of new jobs for lawyers can be created, and all wealth can be given to smartly abusive people instead of be wasted on nerds, workers and similar low-life.


$12 000 000 000 to food investments


G8 have agreed on that $12 billion should go to agricultural development in developing countries. As G8 are the biggest countries with the biggest balls in the world, they are much more suited for deciding what investments to do, unlike, you know, people who goes around and poke in the dirt all day. This investment will also make these the biggest leaders feel good about themselves, which will benefit the entire world.


Biology


Speaking about balls: The right whale has them! Well, half of the population at least. Their testicles weight 500 kilos each, making them 1 ton in total! That's one ton of balls! And the right whale is only 100 tons heavy, so if a big 100 kg human would have balls this relative size, they would weight 1 kg, which is quite something to put in your pant.

The sperm whale on the other hand, actually has much smaller testicles. There are hundreds of thousands of sperm whales though, and they eat more seafood that we humans fish. IB's conclusion about how we should save the oceans should be obvious... OK, we do have pretty stupid readers: IB thinks that we should kill a lot of sperm whales to save the fish! It will be good for the oil-prices, international war efforts and stability (as in no dangerous progress) of the world.

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