2011-06-06 [BookNerd]: So, I'm not too familiar with the site, yet, but I hope I can still make this page work.
I like to write, and I've been trying to write my own novel. I've really been wanting some constructive criticism and suggestions, though, so that's what this page is for! :) Anyone who wants some feedback on things they've written can get it here!
p.s. don't steal anything that anyone writes on here! Just because it's up here doesn't mean the author doesn't want to take credit for it!
2011-06-06 [BookNerd]: Okay, here's a little bit of the story I've been working on. It's called Dream Walker, and the first chapter is called Taylan.
“You sure about this?” Feminora was slouched up against the wall of the abandoned boat house where she and Braith lived. Braith looked at the tools she had spread out in front of her: a knife, a piece of cloth, several stolen bandages, and lye. Feminora had a salve prepared for afterward.
“Don’t ask me that, Femie,” Braith replied. She wasn’t sure about this, but she had no choice. “You know the Magicians will be able to find me if I don’t do this. Fingerprints leave a trail for them.”
“Yeah, I know. Next time, don’t leave a fingerprint.” Femie shrugged, took a bite from the stolen apple that was her breakfast, and pushed her jagged, short hair out of her face. She kept it shorn to just below her ears, so that it stuck out a little to hide the pointy elf tips of her ears. Elves were feared and hated, and keeping her identity hidden was a matter of life and death for Femie.
“Are you sure you don’t want to change your fingerprints, too?” Braith asked hopefully. Femie snorted.
“Yeah, I’m going to burn my fingers off with acid so the Magicians won’t find me, even though they never will, anyway. Right.”
“Just because you’re an elf doesn’t mean they won’t find you,” Braith grumbled.
She took a deep breath. Femie had showed her which parts of a fingerprint were the crucial ones for the Magicians to be able to track her. Being an elf, Femie knew a few things about magic. Braith made fine cuts through each of the significant details on her forefinger. Then, she picked up the scrap of cloth and put it in her mouth. She could barely bring herself to proceed, but she picked up a tiny pellet of lye, and pressed it into one of the cuts.
In seconds, the lye had begun to dissolve into her bodily fluids, and she bit down hard on the rag in her mouth. Her finger felt as though someone were peeling it apart slowly. She shut her eyes tight and couldn’t look at what was happening to her finger. She choked on a sob that tried to tear itself from her throat. A burning feeling buried itself in her cut, digging deeper, and Braith pounded her fist against the dirty floorboards. Tears squeezed out of her eyes, and in her frustration at not having held them back, she almost didn’t notice when the pain in her finger slowly subsided to a throbbing sting.
Braith opened her eyes and saw a concerned look fading from Femie’s face. Her blue eyes had been filled with concern, but now they returned to their normal, indifferent, playful gleam. Femie raised an eyebrow.
“I need to put more charcoal in my hair,” Femie said absently. “It’s going back to blonde. Let me know when you’re done.” Great, Braith thought, just nine fingers left to go. She nearly cried again.
2011-06-06 [Linderel]: I am impressed. :) That's quite a high level of quality for someone your age. I would certainly not mind reading more of the story. Just one tiny thing: "pointy elf tips of her ears" - I don't think it's necessary to use the word "elf" in this sentence. I think readers will get the point. :) "Being an elf, Femie knew a few things about magic." <- This also feels slightly unnecessary.
"Elves were feared and hated, and keeping her identity hidden was a matter of life and death for Femie." <- It would be good if you could find a way to show this instead of telling it.
Other than that, nice work! Your description is very realistic and I find myself wanting to know more about the world in which these things are happening.
2011-06-06 [BookNerd]: :D thank you so much! I have a little more written, but I was waiting for someone to read this much of it before I put more.
Thanks for your suggestions, too. I can see how changing them would improve the story. I'll post some more of this :)