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2012-03-06 12:53:30
Last author: Veltzeh
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This page is dedicated to nitpicking about the plot of the story Tales from Kyerrion, by [Veltzeh].

Character interaction graph with events:
Show content

I should do plot graphs and character graphs, like this one:
And now I have!


I recommend reading at least the introductory chapter to get a grasp of the terms I use. It might be possible to only refer to it though.

I decided to write and present the chapters chronologically. Therefore the viewpoint jumps around but always centers on at least one of three characters: Tegafel, Availon or Krezagon (though yes, there's at least two exceptions). There's a bullet point for each chapter.

Part one

The starting point is that jinhaliares are allied with most femehan nations. The jinhaliares seem to want more living space easily and think that having the femehans do some work (looking for good spots and pushing other people away from the lands) for them is more convenient than fighting them. Jinhaliares and femehans want to conquer the world. (Is that actually relevant, and if it's true, should they be doing stuff differently? Now I've written some femehan nations get along with other races.)

- Availon is introduced and fails in eir efforts to convince femehans to abandon the alliance betwen them and jinhaliares. Ey still doesn't want to go home yet. (years -3 and -2)
- Availon plans the kills of people in many femehan nations and executes them with three other falangezkas. They join with femehan rebels and bomb the royal family of Tarakiila. Tarkavinel joins in and two falangezkas leave. Availon and the rebels are exposed in Fetormana and flee over the Watery Mountains in winter. (years -2 and -1)
- Tegafel is introduced and joins the army. (days 16–18)
- Tegafel is harassed. Ey sees Krezagon and meets em. (days 22–25)
- Tegafel is almost raped. Ey gets to the kissing phase with Krezagon. Ey comes to like Krezagon rather much. (days 66–76) (Is the somewhat detailed rape scene necessary?)
- Tegafel meets another wakod soldier, leaves on a mission and learns to like sex. The mission is to go stop a rebel cell that Tarkavinel belonged to. Keroku flees. (days 82–140) (There are two sex scenes and I don't really like them now, but they are fairly revelant to the story.)
- Availon leaves the femehan rebels and later impregnates and leaves a fellow falangezka. Ey meets a fugitive femehan rebel called Keroku and is distressed. (days -2–173)
- Tegafel goes on a mission to check out some homehans. All the rest of eir squad are killed and ey is wounded, imprisoned, abused and raped. On the last day ey for some reason gets better treatment. (days 156–170) (Rather detailed abuse/rape scene, but it's relevant.)
- Krezagon is sad that Tegafel is gone. Once news reach that Tegafel's squad has been killed, Krezagon demands to join the investigation team. The investigation team's sergeant abuses and humiliates Krezagon. (days 154–172)
- Tegafel is released and the femehan medic treats em. (days 176–177)
- Tegafel is reunited with Krezagon. They talk about stuff. Ey has an argument about ankods with the medic. Tegafel is sad that nothing good has happened to Krezagon. (days 177–178) (Augh the clichés, they burn my eyes... I wonder if I could fix them.)
- Tegafel and Krezagon have sex and Tegafel learns to appreciate ankods more. (day 179) For some reason I don't seem to be liking the sex scenes at all now.
- Tegafel meets Krezagon's stupid sergeant. Ey goes to the homehan settlers but ends up being framed for murder. (day 180)

- Tegafel joins the army, gets molested, thinks ey finds love, loses almost everything and then finds eir "true" love. Ey also grows as a person a bit.
- Availon fails with eir war-prevention efforts but does manage to kill people who support the alliance.
- Krezagon gets humiliated but finally finds a person who can appreciate em.

- The first two chapters apparently need more actual events and description. Adding those will make them probably four or five chapters instead of two... I could start with the scenes from Availon's childhood to make a better hook.
- I sort of want to ditch the explicit scenes, but... should I?
- Keroku is a character I inserted after most of the story was already written. I think I succeeded in integrating em, but it's hard to say.

Part two

- Krezagon works, finds out that homehans captured Tegafel again and is abused by eir sergeant. (day 180) (Detailed abuse scene... I don't really like reading it. >_>)
- Krezagon is raped by eir sergeant and the medic patches em. (day 180) (Pretty detailed abuse again...)
- Tegafel escapes from the homehans with Availon's help. (day 181)
- Krezagon talks to the captain and thinks up a punishment for eir sergeant, who is demoted. The captain promotes Krezagon to sergeant. (day 181)
- Krezagon and eir squad leave to search for Keroku. Ey gets into trouble in a town and meets Taikehel, an ankod far-walker, who joins the group. (days 186–200)
- Tarkavinel is in prison, escapes, flees, is caught by jinhaliares and taken to a backwater village to be tortured mostly because of eir impenetrable mind – it must contain something valuable if it's so closed, right? (days 192–290)
- Tegafel and Availon talk and argue. (day 196)
– Tegafel decides to go with Availon and Keroku. (days 197–198)
- Krezagon and eir group bathe in a river. Two sex scenes, one detailed. (days 204–206)
– Krezagon's group is attacked by homehans. They're badly injured: Riyhneon is raped and Leitsel is mutilated. They escape and kill nearly all homehans. They limp to the next town and get patched up. (days 207–215)
- Tegafel, Availon and Keroku come to a port town and get a ride north on a fishing ship. Tegafel is prejudiced but ends up liking the seatrip. Availon gets seasick. (days 220–224)
- Tegafel angsts about people looking at em in "that" way, but a sailor beds em nevertheless and gives Tegafel a short sword. The issue of Availon and bestiality comes up. (days 226–239) (TMI?)
- Krezagon's squad recovers in a town. Krezagon fights against a sexist sergeant and loses (on purpose). Ey later fights em again and wins. After that the squad leaves. (days 225–229) (I think this chapter is awesome but I'm not sure why.)
- Tegafel, Availon and Keroku leave the ship. Availon has horrible rape nightmares that involve especially Tegafel as the antagonist. When they stop, the three start getting intimate. (days 243–254) (Detailed sex scenes again, these are slightly more readable, I think...)
- Krezagon's squad mountain climbs but they're bad at it. They talk about ankods being able to have sex, which is embarrassing. They find out that they've been chasing the wrong falangezka. They go to another femehan nation and some of them get drunk in a tavern. (days 234–249) (TMI?)
- Krezagon can't find a trace of Keroku, Tegafel or Availon. Soripel tells about eir little ankod sibling to Krezagon. Krezagon meets eir alhem (mother) in a small town, and it's a bad meeting. (days 256–269) (Should Soripel's story be more foreshadowing? Does Krezagon meeting eir alhem serve some purpose? I do like the meeting though.)
- Tegafel, Availon and Keroku sail on a riverboat. There's a small incident that serves no purpose (or does it?). When they get off the boat and travel to the meadows, they intersect two jinhaliares. One jinhaliare is the same who caught Tarkavinel and ey impregnates Availon, who denies it. The jinhaliares die. Availon modifies Tegafel's mind so that if they were caught, the femehans would believe that Tegafel is innocent. The three come to the biggest femehan nation. Keroku thinks ey could stay on this side of the mountains but finds the people unbearable. (days 260–308)

- Homehans frame Tegafel for a crime and Availon helps em escape. Ey enjoys sailing. Ey gets stuff done to em again but ey sort of grows more as it happens.
- Availon travels again to find better ways to break the alliance, but ey has debilitating nightmares for some reason. Ey is impregnated by a jinhaliare.
- Krezagon is promoted and has a lot of sex. In Forest Mountains, Krezagon finds out that Tegafel hasn't gone there. Ey starts to get along with eir squad and finds eir alhem.

- Availon's reason for helping Tegafel is a little weak, but enough, I think. Maybe the bigger issue is why Availon wants to keep Tegafel around?
- WHY is Krezagon sent after Tegafel? Filling the plot hole: Krezagon goes out to hunt a wanted rebel murderer who joined with Availon. This requires editing all the parts with Availon and Tegafel to have a third character. -> Plot hole filled with Keroku; Tegafel isn't enough reason to send a team after em. It's still odd, though. Is Keroku important enough? One reason would be to send Krezagon to do something useless just because ey's an ankod, though. I wonder if that would work. "Hey, they had that murderer rebel with them! Why don't you leave for several years and see if you can bring em back?" Why would Krezagon inconvenience emself by agreeing, since ey'll just be running into more people this way and can't settle and make people work with em?
- Even after ey leaves on eir mission, Krezagon just travels around and stuff happens to em. Seems too plotless...

Part three

- Krezagon and the Forest Mountains. (days 270–298) This chapter is mostly filler and writing about forest.
- Krezagon's group meets a falangezka. The femehans treat falangezkas as if they were very god-like. The falangezkas tell them exactly who the group is looking for (Availon). Krezagon decides they will go to the largest femehan nation. (days 299–301)
- Availon makes plots and tries to modify the mind of some important person. Ey gets caught red-handed and is tortured. Eir trick to save Tegafel from being punished works better than ey thought. Tegafel is "put right" and ends up despising Availon. The two are exiled from the big nation. Availon is left stranded on a cliff and Tegafel is taken to the border. Tegafel decides to try crossing the mountains before the winter. Keroku catches up with em and they travel together. They help some young karangals. (days 309–349) (Timeline is very iffy here. I need some way to make this stuff believable.)
- Krezagon's group leaves the falangezkas. They leave Forest Mountains, go to an island, come off the island and find a backwater village. The village is suspicious and eventually they end up killing some villagers and jinhaliares in a fight and rescue Tarkavinel. Freppet and Poutnel die. They flee toward the mountains. (days 302–343) (The island trip isn't detailed or relevant. Should it be made relevant or removed, or is it good now?)
- Availon is helped by some karangals and constructs a hot-air balloon. (days 339–351)
- Krezagon's squad and especially Taikehel finds out Tarkavinel is very creepy. Krezagon manages to help Tarkavinel with eir nightmares. They swim in a river. Riyhneon is upset with Krezagon but gets over it. (days 344–354) (This is a big hint to Krezagon's aversion.)
- Availon catches up to Tegafel and Keroku. Tegafel argues and continues on eir own. Keroku and Availon follow em because Availon wants to explain things to Tegafel. At some point Tegafel throws stones at them and knocks them out, but can't leave them die because Availon is pregnant. Ey goes back and Keroku almost kills em. Then they travel together again. Availon is very unstable because of the pregnancy. They meet a karangal-nakran half-breed who tells them to go to a karangal community because the way out of the mountains is blocked. (days 352–371) (I blame all Availon's stupidity on eir pregnancy. I'm not sure if that's very good. Maybe I should make more clear that the femehan far-walkers messed up eir mind badly too.)
- Tarkavinel tells eir story to Krezagon, ends up trusting another person for the first time and makes Krezagon's mind as impenetrable to far-walkers as eirs is. Taikehel does not approve at all. Taikehel and Soripel have sex. Krezagon and Tarkavinel have sex. (days 356–364)
- Availon, Tegafel and Keroku save Arike from under a rock. They settle in a karangal village. (days 375–376)
- Krezagon arrives in a big femehan nation. Ey meets a very young captain and Tarkavinel is joined to eir squad. They visit towns. They hear rumours about Availon's exploits from last year. Taikehel attempts to stay in one town but ey is severely oppressed and rejoins the soldiers. (days 367–384)
- Krezagon's squad passes a hospital and Tarkavinel finds out that Krezagon has an irrational fear reaction to anything concerning amputation. Taikehel finds out Krezagon's mind isn't totally gone. They're in a severe storm and some farmers offer them a place to stay, and they tell that there's a crazy ankod around. Krezagon and Tarkavinel go find the ankod but ey really is crazy. (days 389–392) (Meeting the crazy ankod isn't written at all. It probably should be.)
- Krezagon's squad reaches an even bigger nation. They visit towns and come to the capital. There they meet a very ageist commander who tells exactly what was going on with Tegafel and Availon. They put out a wanted poster for Keroku. Krezagon decides to not try eir luck at crossing the mountains in winter and instead starts searching for Keroku in the nearby villages with two of eir squad. The others stay in the capital. (days 393–402)
- The karangal elder (who's probably the best far-walker ever) fixes Tegafel's mind. Availon gives birth (caesarean) to a reviekin. The elder makes everyone except emself and Availon think that the baby is something strange they found in the mountains and that Availon's real child died. (days 402–488)
- Tarkavinel's leg is fixed. (days 405–485)
- Krezagon doesn't find Keroku and returns to the capital. The ageist commander takes a liking to Krezagon. Unrelatedly, they also have sex. The commander plans a fight where Krezagon can prove ey's a good fighter. (days 465–491) (I kind of like this sex scene, though it's mostly unnecessary.)
- Krezagon fights and wins five other femehans. Ey also fights against two gladiators and loses to the last of them because of a silly error. (day 493) (I've been thinking if it's tasteless to have Krezagon be this good. I don't have a real problem with it, but I can see how it could seem very Mary Sue -ish.)

- Krezagon acquires a new ability from Tarkavinel, which makes eir and Taikehel's relationship severely deteriorate. (But Tarkavinel can now trust Krezagon.) Krezagon learns some more about talking with people.
- Tegafel's memories are messed up, but ey grows nevertheless. Ey learns to take some responsibility and eir naive traits start shining through. Do they shine too much or is this kind of development outright unreasonable?
- Availon deals with eir failure and is only emotionally distressed. Should ey be distressed in another way too? What way, and how can that be shown?

- Maybe the femehan village where Tarkavinel is should be made somehow more significant?
- Availon irrationally follows Tegafel. Whyyy?

Part four

- Krezagon gets three more soldiers who will follow em over the mountains: Gawehel, Sarilou and Juon. Trykiner finds out Krezagon's phobia. Krezagon and eir squad leave Korrankola. Taikehel gives Krezagon a possible way of capturing and subduing a far-walker.
- Tegafel and Keroku argue about the rebel issue. Availon and Verkije argue about Availon's "mission" and Verkije convinces Availon to just go home now. Tegafel, Availon, Keroku and Arike leave the karangal village.
- The two groups meet in the mountains and Krezagon captures Keroku and Availon. Keroku basically accepts eir fate though ey talks back and Availon starts turning crazy because of the headband that prevents em using eir far-walker abilities. Arike is confused, but goes with the soldiers to see how the thing will end.
- Krezagon talks with Tegafel, Keroku and Arike. Sarilou explains femehan marriages to Arike.
- Availon collapses. Ey talks with Krezagon and Taikehel and promises not to meddle with Krezagon's mission.
- Krezagon and Tegafel talk about sex. Riyhneon is concerned about the future (not written yet). Taikehel and Availon sleep together and discuss Arike's far-walker issue and aversion to sex. Krezagon and Arike talk about sex. The group arrives in a small village and they go through two others.
- The group arrives in their destination. Taikehel meets the resident far-walker. Krezagon hands over Keroku.
- Krezagon talks with the other sergeants and lieutenants.
- The far-walkers receive information that the jinhaliares have turned on the femehans. Keroku won't be executed. Krezagon gets a reward. Tarkavinel comes into the camp and Availon goes to the resident femehan far-walker's home.

- Krezagon starts getting the handle of talking with other people? I wonder how much of this is my not wanting to play the events the same each time and inserting fake development (people who don't know Krezagon react as if an ankod sergeant isn't that big a deal), and how much is Krezagon's own development.
- Tegafel... should grow into a person who knows what ey wants and doesn't stress about the future too much. I don't think I've managed yet.
- Availon gets drawn into a mess and finds out that even eir far-walker abilities can't always save em. That wasn't development yet, crud...

- The third (meeting) chapter is very long and probably difficult to follow during the meeting part.
- There's this issue that spans all the parts, but I suppose it's most prominent in this one. The issue is that I treat consentaneous relationships with very little drama (I think?) and when there is a possibility of drama, I deconstruct it. Also, the soldiers have relationships with each other and think it's natural (I address the issue a little in the third part, where the characters explain the different pratices in their respective nations). The problem is that I don't think I understand anything about what I wrote about it. Is the way I portray relationships realistic or believable?

Coming plots:
- Krezagon is angry with Availon and tries to make em join the femehan army or something. Availon should come with them since ey's very good at using eir abilities on jinhaliares.
- Somebody catches a jinhaliare who has rather accurate information about their main nation and the leader who is good at keeping the jinhaliares from turning against each other. The information is confirmed from other jinhaliares caught across the nations.
#) They meet Soripel's ankoddin Jirkon, buy em free and take em home.
#) They meet a gekod princess Anton and a god-called homehan.
#) There's a valley inhabited mostly by wakods and ankods. Why would this be in the story? This is gratuitous! Erased!
#) They go deep into jinhaliare territory and cause a war / end it? Why would Krezagon go along with that?

Part five

I'm trying to plan and plot this part by using the snowflake method. Guess how well that's working.
Show content

Step 1: One-sentence summary
A military squad infiltrates enemy territory to stop a war from ravaging their homeland.

Step 2: A paragraph describing the set-up, major disasters and ending of the story
Femehans and jinhaliares will be at war, but before the war becomes open, the military squad heads for the big enemy nation to prevent it from escalating. They find massive army camps that nearly kill and expose them and they find out they might need a god-caller. They take another, more flanking route and run across a god-caller and jinhaliare(s) that they can convert and use to their needs. They manage to get into where the jinhaliare leaders are but are caught. Their plan B works and sets the leaders against each other, which will make the jinhaliares war with each other. They flee and settle at home.

Step 3: Characters
Name Importance Dies Role, literal Role, abstract
Krezagon +++++ soldier, leader, skilled protagonist, solver, experienced
Availon +++++ far-walker, main protagonist's counterpart
Riyhneon ++++ soldier, thinker
Gawehel +++ soldier, specialised damsel in distress
Arike ++ tag-along
Tegafel ++ 3 soldier
Taikehel ++++ 4 far-walker, assistant
Leitsel ++ soldier, medic
Soripel +++ 3 soldier, tank
Juon ++ 1 soldier, redshirt redshirt
Sarilou ++ 2 soldier, redshirt redshirt
Tarkavinel +++ soldier, stealthy unemotional and invisible salt statue
Keroku ++ 4 soldier, fighter wise and courageous
Anton + 3 tag-along
homehan god-caller ? weapon
jinhaliare traitor? ++ information source
mutilated falangezka + tag-along
tarkaan? ? weapon  

Main character Krezagon Korielter
A one-sentence summary of the character's storyline A femehan ankod sergeant needs to manage eir squad and come up with a way to assassinate jinhaliare leaders.
The character's motivation (what does ey want abstractly?) Krezagon wants to be accepted and praised in eir own society. Doing this amazing feat is surely the way to do it.
The character's goal (what does ey want concretely?) Ey wants to keep eir homeland safe and survive.
The character's conflict (what prevents em from reaching this goal?) Eir squad isn't perfect and they have very little information about jinhaliares.
The character's epiphany (what will ey learn, how will ey change?) Krezagon will learn that even though ey is an extremely capable person, even ey can and will be broken (rather literally) and will screw up the best plan.
A one-paragraph summary of the character's storyline Krezagon leads eir squad into jinhaliare areas and Juon dies in a battle they eventually win. Ey leads the soldiers on an indirect route while they argue how they should go about killing the jinhaliare leaders. Ey comes to the rescue of the remnants of femehan and homehan villages and meets a god-caller. Sarilou dies because of a liver wound later. Ey comes up with a plan, but they are caught and Soripel dies (which they also planned for just in case). After having been caught, Krezagon is tortured and explains the back-up plan as well. Ey is mutilated but gets over it with help and then helps the others to flee.

Main character Availon Gandeheilei
A one-sentence summary of the character's storyline A war-obsessed falangezka helps the femehans to stop a war.
The character's motivation (what does ey want abstractly?) Ey wants all wars to end and that the jinhaliares stop being a threat to falangezkas and others.
The character's goal (what does ey want concretely?) Ey wants to end this war and go home for good.
The character's conflict (what prevents em from reaching this goal?) Ey has tried for years and has not succeeded, but now eir goal is near and ey needs some help.
The character's epiphany (what will ey learn, how will ey change?) During the journey home, Availon realizes how much ey should stay away from wars and that it is futile to try to stop all wars.
A one-paragraph summary of the character's storyline Availon follows the femehans and when they are almost revealed by the large army, ey subdues a jinhaliare far-walker and acquires information. Ey argues with Krezagon about using god-callers and is devastated when they run across one. Availon does not go with the femehans to the jinhaliare leaders. When they flee and Taikehel is killed, Availon is shocked because it could have just as well been em.

Step 4: Paragraphs detailing the story parts
Beginning, set-up: A war is going to break out between jinhaliares and femehans.
Femehans and jinhaliares will be at war because of a botched attempt at alliance between jinhaliares and femehans. A few femehan nations opposed the alliance, but most thought that without the alliance, the jinhaliares would certainly attack. There was/is a rebel movement. The war is not open because the breaking of the alliance is only known by select few. Before the war becomes open, a captain sends Krezagon on a mission to sabotage the jinhaliares in their big nation in whatever way possible (slow them down, delay the start of open war, possibly even prevent some attacks). They try to come up with plans.
First: The squad finds massive army camps that nearly kill and expose them. Juon dies in the attack. Availon and Taikehel capture one of their attackers, a jinhaliare far-walker. They extract information from eir head and change their plans. They find out they might need a god-caller to counter the jinhaliares' pantheon, but of course the far-walkers keep very quiet about this.
Krezagon's squad heads for the biggest jinhaliare nation, but they find massive army camps. They are discovered and almost defeated, and Juon dies. Availon and Taikehel manage to unravel much information from a jinhaliare far-walker.
Second: They take another, more flanking route and run across a god-caller and jinhaliare(s) that they can convert and use to their needs.
Third: They manage to get into where the jinhaliare leaders are but are caught.
Their plan B works and sets the leaders against each other, which will make the jinhaliares war with each other.
Ending: They flee and settle at home.
Krezagon and Riyhneon are promoted? Others too? Krezagon, Riyhneon, Tarkavinel and Taikehel take Takelon home and see how ey gets a new body. The story ends when someone asks whether Krezagon would want to stay with the falangezkas, and Krezagon doesn't know.


Yeah... spoilers. Or "spoilers", since I don't even know which one of them will happen.

War ending 1
Jinhaliares make femehans war with them. This is bad for characters. Availon has failed hard.

War ending 2
Jinhaliares war against femehans and others too. Availon has succeeded but this is the worst case for characters. This is the best one! Krezagon tries to make Availon come to war with them since it's mainly eir fault.

War ending 3
Jinhaliares war amongst each other. Availon has succeeded and the other characters are okay.

Ultimate ending 1
The soldiers find a hidden valley inhabited almost exclusively by wakods and ankods. Paradise/utopia? Why should this be in the story? They don't stay yet, but when they finish their missions (and what happens to those missions??), they (or most of them) return for a happy ending and "retire" there.

Ending 2
They infiltrate jinhaliares' territory, kill their ruler and gain control of the jinhaliares' army. Why would jinhaliares be so stupid? I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be! I think they should kill the soldiers and find a replacement ruler. Is it plausible at all to have a custom that the one who kills the ruler will be the ruler, no matter what? If that's the case, it's very important to have safety measures to prevent just anyone from killing the current ruler, and the soldiers wouldn't have that. Then again, the whole thing would work only if the clear majority of ruler's servants immediately turn loyal to the new ruler. Damn, this is complex.

U. ending 3
They go back home and Krezagon becomes a lieutenant and maybe more and aww.

Character arcs

Main characterKrezagon is a fairly "complete" character and doesn't evolve much except maybe slightly in skill to talking to other people. Should ey have more development? Where and how?
Main characterTegafel is a very young character in the beginning and part 1 is basically eir "Coming of age" story. Ey matures some more in part 2 as ey learns to take care of emself and finds something ey really enjoys (sailing).
Main characterAvailon needs to realize that ey can't make warring disappear. Through incredible personal inconvenience and toiling ey can maybe prevent one war or make it worse. (?)
Important side characterTaikehel is a far-walker who's had it relatively comfortably and is essentially a hedonist. Ey only wants to travel with Krezagon because they're both ankods.
Important side characterRiyhneon starts out as a little cowardly and unsure gewakod. Krezagon teaches em to cope with things, since Riyhneon is very capable and has mostly been just demoralized for one reason or another. Do we need to know the reason?
Important side characterTarkavinel is quite reality-detached. Krezagon manages to make em care about what happens to em. Does ey need (more) development? What kind?
Side characterArike is a young karangal who learns that ey is right about emself.
Side characterLeitsel is a somewhat typical nigekod who pretends to have an interesting personality. Ey has common sense and a quick wit but is rather set in eir ways.
Side characterSoripel is a fairly young typical soldier. Ey has some repressed favourable opinions about ankods since ey had a little ankoddin who was sold into slavery. Ey is really from WeÞina and lied about eir homeland because Kervanelans don't like WeÞinans and because ey's ashamed that slavery is so well-instituted in WeÞina.
Side characterPoutnel is an old lech and dumb as a doornail. Ey doesn't really have a mind of eir own, and while ey doesn't really appreciate Krezagon, ey acknowledges eir authority and doesn't undermine it and later pretty much supports it. Ey dies at the beginning of part 3.
Side characterFreppet is an optimistic and very young nikod, who tries hard to get Riyhneon to like em more, but Riyhneon doesn't really want to be with em beyond a little messing around. Ey dies at the beginning of part 3.
Side characterJuon is a small, stubborn and somewhat slow angry nikod who joins Krezagon's squad in Korrankola just because ey thinks Krezagon (and Riyhneon) could teach em how to fight.
Side characterSarilou is an enthusiastic geniwakod with big breasts.
Side characterGawehel is an ex-gladiator searching for emself. Ey is an expert farmer.
Side characterAnton is a gekod. (Anton hoitaa.)
Side characterhomehan needs a name.

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2011-06-11 [pegasus1000]: Questions:
What is the war about? How long has it been going on? Why would people want to join the army to help with the war cause?

-You are trying to decide on keeping some explicit scenes in your story and this is what my opinion is:

I'm not sure if you will want to have your characters abused so much. I know it is part of war, but it damages a persons thoughts and unless you know the pathology of that trauma it may seem forced or unrealistic.

If you decide to keep it in you can always leave the details implied. The characters will not want to remember the events in detail so why write them out if they are trying to forget that it even happened. You can even do snap shots in nightmares.

2011-06-11 [Veltzeh]: Ah, the war isn't actually going on yet. Seems I forgot to write that anywhere here... I'll add it.
That said, I don't understand why anyone would ever have any armies. I think the best explanation for having an army and having volunteers joining it is that they've been either invaded by an army before or been tried to invade but succeeded to fend the invaders off, and they noticed that having their own army in their nation helps keep out other armies. And people join because of tradition and patriotism, I guess.

I can weasel out of portraying very realistic trauma by saying that the telepaths fix stuff like that, but that's probably a bad excuse. Either way, I think I'll thin out the abuse scenes.
Hmm, the nightmare thing might work better. I actually did that in one part of the story even if it wasn't a dream of a previous trauma.

2014-09-28 [Eyden13]: Hey I'd love to still write an workshop on this if you are still willing. Do you have an update/ written version or do you still want to you this?

2014-10-05 [Veltzeh]: Sure! What do you mean by update or written version exactly?

2014-10-06 [Eyden13]: Just if you had change anything since you first put it up to be worked shopped.

2014-10-07 [Veltzeh]: If I understood correctly: This plotline and the problems within it are still up to date. If I've made changes, they're either pretty small or then I just don't remember them. X)

2014-10-12 [Eyden13]: kk

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