Justin threw his awesome director's hat to the ground. "Damn it, Hughes!" he growled in frustration. He had grown frustrated from understanding patience with his acquaintance who was supposed to play a ruthless villain, who had the persona to do so, but who kept stuttering and forgetting his lines when he only had two days to film and edit the entire movie.
"What do you want me to do? Use physics to remember what I'm supposed to say and how? Be like the saucy puppet show?" Hughes asked, motioning toward Matt who was actually in character.
Justin sighed, ready to give up, "What do I have to do to get a good leading man...?"
Johnny Depp came stumbling down the small incline, dressed in the exact costume Hughes was wearing, "Excuse me," he said politely, "But I don't know where I am, or how I got here..." he took a quick glance around at the deciduous trees and the muddy field, "But I have the sudden urge to act for a turkey sandwich in front of the closest camera."
"Is that who I think it is?" Nikki asked, her eyes glittering.
"I...I think it is..." Justin said slowly.
"That camera is the winner," Johnny declared, pointing at it with both hands and approaching it, "So get me a Turkey sandwich and you've got yourself a new lead man," he said, seeming to inspect the camera.
"Anthony! Go get him a sandwich!" Justin said quickly.
"No way," Anthony objected. "Pretty soon all of his friends are gonna show up and we're all out of work."
"Anthony, we're working for free," Mark assured him.
"You just see, but I'm not doing it," Anthony said sternly.
"Here you go!" Nikki chirped, handing him a turkey sandwich.
"Where did she get that?" Brandon inquired.
"I don't know. I've stopped asking," Matt responded.
"Good job, Nikki. We're gonna be losing our jobs now," Anthony sighed, shaking his head.
"Why thank you, love," Johnny smiled, accepting the sandwich.
"You're welcome," Nikki sighed happily. "He called me love!" Nikki hissed to Justin.
"I heard him," Justin sighed. "Can you still act?" he asked Nikki.
"Yeah, I'd do anything to work with Johnny Depp," she said dismissively as she stood between Matt and Hughes.
"Hughes, you're on crew," Justin said, yanking the script out of Hughes' grip and approaching Johnny.
"Oh, mate, I've already memorized my lines," Johnny assured him between bites. "We're on page forty-three of the script because it's easier to get these shots done while it's warm outside."
Justin grinned, "Hughes, forget what I said. You're just fired." Justin frowned, "But if I do that, then nobody can play Otto..." he sighed, knowing that this was a lot of work and sometimes it felt like more than it was worth.
"I bah-leave I kin be your man," Brad Pitt said as he stepped from the woods, dressed as Aldo Rain.
"You're hired," Justin said instantly.
"I assume he knows his lines, too, then?" Brandon asked.
"Course I do," Brad replied, "What kinda actor do ya take me for?"
"Good, less work then," Justin said as he started back toward the camera.
"Screw this, we're all just gonna be replaced by him and his friends, just like I said," Anthony declared.
Justin sighed, rolling his eyes, "Do we have an actor in the woods who can play a sharp shooter?"
"I believe I'm your man," Sean Connery proudly declared as he appeared beside Anthony. "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen taught me a few things about Lucy here," he said, patting the barrel of Anthony's gun.
"Excellent," Justin said proudly.
"I'll be your drunken hick for you," Sean nodded, taking the gun from Anthony.
"That's my gun, old guy!" Anthony growled.
"This is Lucy
and she doesn't like strangers touching her!" Sean pouted, holding the gun protectively.
"That was perfect," Matt nodded to Justin who was likewise nodding in approval.
"Do you ever get the feeling that we're being watched?" Brandon asked as he stared at what was apparently the only deciduous living plant in all of winter that was creeping toward the group.
"Yeah, like when creepy bushes are moving toward us," Mark agreed, watching the bush draw closer.
Matt continued amusing himself with his sock puppet until a hand reached out of the bush and claimed it. "Hey!" Matt objected.
"This is MY-INNNNNEEEE" Jim Carey sang as he sprung from the bush, "I love my Mister Squiggles," he cooed, tickling what would be the puppet's chin.
"Uh, I kind of need that," Matt insisted, holding out his hand.
"No WAAAAAAAYYYYY!" Jim Carey said as he pulled a cracker from his pocket, feeding it to Mister Squiggles.
"Matt, just let it go..." Brandon said serenely.
Matt looked back and forth between Brandon and Jim Carey. "Did anybody else ever notice the odd resemblance between the two of them?" Matt laughed.
"Come to think of it," Mark also glanced between the two of them several times, "Yeah, I see it."
"He looks like Brandon, but is acting like Matt, so let's not get killed trying to get a sock with pipe cleaners on it back from Jim Carey," Nikki said slowly.
Alright!" Brandon shouted in Sergeant Johnson's raspy voice, "Let's get started with this seen and kill these commy bastards!"
"Ninja training ready..." Nikki nodded, getting back into character.
"You'll never be a prettier girl than me," Geoffrey Rush said as he appeared beside Nikki in the exact same clothing she was wearing.
"I am a girl," Nikki argued.
"Take a picture of how photogenic I am," Geoffrey insisted.
"Anybody got their cell phone?" Nikki asked in exasperation.
"Yeah, and look at this..." Justin said, passing Nikki his camera. In the photo it was Nikki and a feminine super model wearing the same clothing as Nikki.
Nikki's eyes widened, as she glanced back and forth, stammering, "B-but how?" she finally managed to ask.
"It's why I became an actor," Geoffrey explained.
"You know what, I'm gonna sit over here and be his stunts person," Nikki conceded as she flopped down onto a lawn chair still staring at the picture Justin had snapped of her and Geoffrey.
"Is anybody else emerging from the woods?" Justin asked.
Nicholas Cage nodded, "Yes," he nodded proudly. "Dude, you can't handle the action like me," Nicholas said as he slipped his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose, staring at Mark.
Mark shrugged, "You're right. You can have my part," Mark replied, stepping away from the camera.
"Ready, Brandon?" Justin asked, just dealing with the new actors instinctively, now. He shook his head, looking at the only remaining friend who hadn't been replaced by an actor yet.
"No, I'm just waiting to see who replaces me," Brandon said, folding his hands and waiting.
"I believe you want me, then, commander," Clint Eastwood said as he emerged in a Gilly suit and night vision goggles, smoking a cigar.
"Case and Point," Brandon smiled sardonically as he joined the others.
"Fuckin told ya so," Anthony said flatly.
~Two Weeks Later~
Justin frowned at the second place prize. "It's better than last year," Brandon said slowly.
"Lost Island Guy won again," Justin sighed in frustration.
"Dude," Lost Island Guy grinned as he walked out, "This year I had Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn doing the puppet work for me! And that's two professional actors to...how many did you have?"
"What a dick..." Brandon shook his head in disbelief.
Justin glared at him before smirking when he saw doctor Hanna passing. "Excuse me, Doctor Hanna?"
"What is it student?" Doctor Hanna asked with his ear-to-ear smile.
"See the blonde guy over there?" the teacher nodded. "He said that he thinks lipids are as fictitious as elves and dragons."
"Well, I'll show him where his lipids are located," Doctor Hanna grinned as he drew a skinning knife from his pocket and starting running at The Lost Island Guy.
"I love happy endings," Justin said flatly, walking away from the Lost Island Guy's bloody screams.