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S laughter (In life there is a constant battle for balance.)

Member #181897 created: 2007-02-09 22:35:37Simple URL: http://www.elftown.com/181897   

Name: balance

Image_1027013
Dreaming of you.

drawing

Wow I look depressed.

Description:
Well once again I am going to update anyone who still watches my house here on this site. I am starting a new chapter in my book of llife. I Do not want anyone nor need anyone anymore. If I can not survive on my own then I have no reason to be here any longer.

Once again-
once you said you love me
once you said you would always be there
once you said YES
once you saw me at my weakest
once you saw me at my strongest
once you saw me tender and loving
once you saw me thrashing and angry
Once again I am left without a guiding light
Once again I am plunged into the darkness of the world
Once again I am cold and alone
Once again the deamons, they do call to me
Once agian the deamons, they show them selves to me
Once again the breath stops
Once again the eyes shut
Once again the heart slows
Once agian I am in a unwaking slumber
Once again I have no warmth
Once again I have no bed
Once agian I have no love to call my own
Once again I slip away into my medow of paper flowers
Once agian I slip away into my dreams of candy clouds
Once again I slip away into my nightmares of screaming pain
Once again I slip away...

Oops! guess I was wrong about the woman I am going to spend the resy of my life with part. but hey you know what oh well I am not mad I am not even upser over the fac that she left me or even the time frame I just want our son to have parents that love him and will provide for him. as it stands now i am single and I think I am going to stay that way I want to make it perfectly clear that it is not by a personal choice of my own person but as of a result of a choice of someone else that they have made. Butterfly effect. Even if we talk and work things out and we both get some kind of closure to this whole thing I believe that I am just going to stay single and take care of my self and our son when he is in my care. I will say this for the record. I did not want it to end like this I was more than willing and this time able to make the changes to have this work out and not even remotly end like this but this is the path you have chosen. So to you the one who decided to leave and be the everybodys girl I bid you goodbye and I honestly with all my heart and soul hope you find happiness one day. It will not be with me.

To all the haters.
To all the back stabbers and double crossers
To all the cheaters and players
To all the scum of the earth and mother nature
To all the rich and greedy
To all the violent and abusers
To all the pedophiles and rapists
To all the murderers and theifs
To all the crooked cops and vile judges
To all the millita and racist
Here is a ballet to you
Once of innocent mind and pure soul
Now tainted and soiled
I shun you as most of life on this rock should
I say it out loud and for all to hear
The system is fouled and twisted
I turn my back upon you
I retreat me faith from you
I forbid my trust away from you
We as a people stand in great numbers
Not realizing our true potential
Not knowing our real power
So as it must be for I to be the one for many
I will stand and raise my fist
Not in anger or hate
But in DEFIANCE and RETALIATION
For the innocent that can not
The needs of the few out weight the needs of the one
The needs of the many out weight the needs of the few
I raise my fist to give courage to the needs of the many
A wise man once said to me
"Truly good people can not do what is right one at a time
They must be given courage to stand together
To do what is right and for the good not of all man kind
But for the innocent who are here and who are to come.
If you are to stand only to fall,
Stand for something greater than yourself."
Whom so ever moved by this please give me your input
I wish to stand for the needs of many.
I say and call "Who will stand with me?!"

Homecoming.

There a boy sits.
Thinking about what he has done.
What has been done to him.
What was never done for him.
There a boy stands.
On bowed and faulting legs.
Suddenly they stiffen and he stands up straight.
He lifts his eyes from what has been and looks onto what will be.
The boy is no longer a boy he is a man.
He sees a little boy at his feet and a loving woman at his side.
A proud man indeed.
Though he be but little and of small stature.
He is the richest man of them all.
He is a lucky man.
A blessed man.
The boy at his feet now stands.
The man kneels and hugs this little boy.
The little boy asks "Why did you go?"
The man does not fight back the tears.
The man holds the boy tightly in his arms.
The man sighs a heavy sigh and answers. "So I could give you a gift."
The little boy smiles innocently. "What gift?"
The man raises the boy up onto his shoulders. "The gift of a father."
The little boy smiles and laughs with glee as he is carried.
Carried on strong shoulders.

"A measure of a man is not where he hails from. But by the choices he makes."

-To my little boy. My little man with a father. I love you. Daddy is here. I am not leaving ever again.-

"What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so... It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things. But how he decides to end them."


I tried to erase myself from here. I tried to run away. But somewhere between running away from you and running twards something I didn't want. I stopped in the middle of traffic. everything speeding by. I realized in trying not to become what I hate the most. I turned into it. If I were to take one more step forward I would be just like it. it decided to run away from me and never try to make it right. So I turn around and start back to you. through my entire life I have been crawling and people picking me up. It's time to get on my own two feet and learn to walk back to you. My legs have never been used. I know I am going to stumble and fall. Will you be there to help me back up? to not pick me up but to offer a helping hand so I can pick myself up. I am not saying that I am going to push you away again and try it on my own. I am for the first time in my life asking for help. I know I can do it on my own. I would hope you will want to be at my side. So that when you falter I can offer you a hand to help you up. I know the first thing to do it to get out of the hole. Will you let me help you. I am sorry for letting go. I am reaching back down trying to catch your hand. I am hoping that you will reach for me and take my hand. I will help you out of that hole. I am moving as fast as you allow me. I want to move faster but you seem to be falling to fast for me. Let me move faster. do you want me to pull you up? I see another hand. which one will you take? Please take my hand I know your cautious and fearful that I will let go again. Again I am sorry for letting go. I don't know what I was thinking. If you take my hand take that leap of faith and of trust. I won't let it happen again I will take you with both hands and use every ounce of strength I have and more. It's never been "fool me once shame on me." It's shame on me. All I am asking is please take that leap of faith in me and let me show you that that faith would not go misused and ignored. that once you have put that faith in me that trust in me to pull you up once again I won't just stop at the edge and let go. I will pull you all the way to the top and close to me so you never have to fall down it again.

Break down heh does anyone really know what a break down is? I do now. But I can not give up not yet. I have a wonderful son that looks at me with innocent eyes and just smiles. through everything I have put him and his mother through. I can be one of the lucky few able to say I have found the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with. [Raventhorn] I love you more than you ever know. I have to many friends that are pulling for me. [Assassin's Night Angel], Casey, Mel, Zach, Caitie.

To make it more clear. I recently had a complete and utter mental physical and emotional break down. Best way to put it is that the person I was went head to head with who I wanted to be and they both shattered on impact. Now i have pieces of both of them sitting in-front of me. I must chouse what pieces that are not yelling the loudest but speaking the truth. I have never heard my heart so clearly. I listen and she speaks to me. There is nothing else but my heart. What she is telling me is for me to know. I just want [Raventhorn] to know that I am waiting pacently for the day that we are together once again.

To the one I drove away.
I sit hear thinking
thinking of you
what you feel
what you want
want you need
I sit hear thinking of you
wanting to call you
wanting to hear your voice
wanting to ask you "Are you still okay"
I sit hear thinking of you
I miss you
I yern for your closeness once again
I yern for the smell of your hair
I yern for your love
I yern for you to say to me "Come get us I want to come home."
I torture myself
thinking that you might never be there again
might never be there when I cry
to see me cry
might never be there when I hurt
to hold me tight
might never be there when I feel so lost with out you.
missing you
loving you
tortureing myself with wanting your love
wanting your love in return
not knowing
not knowing what to do to have you believe me
believe me when I say "When you come back home the changes will stick."
I hurt you so much.
Knowing what I have done
the pain and hurt I caused you
Will you let me hold you once again
will you believe me when I say "It's going to be okay"
Will you want me again.
Will you want my love again.
it pains me to see you this way
not knowing how to make it go away
to take a band-aid and cover the wounds I made.
Let me take care of you again
when your sick
when your stressed
when you need me to
when you want me to
Please forgive me
Please
please
please
please forgive me
Let me make it right
let me fix it
let me make you feel safe in my arms
next to me you stood
screaming for help
screaming at me to stop
screaming at me in pain
I am sorry for not hearing you
I will never again shut you out of my life
I will never again cause you pain
I will never again talk over you
I will never yell at you over nothing
I will never take my anger out on you.
even when your the one I am angry with.
I will never again be that abusive man.
Let me show you I've changed
let me show you I can be that man you loved again
let me show you I am sorry
let me show you I love you
let me show you.

Once again.

Here I sit once again forsaken by what I thought I knew.
Here I sit once again by my lonesome.
Here I sit thinking what I aught to have though months ago.
Here I sit once again.
Alone.

Not by her doing but once again by my own doing.
I have reached another breaking point
Once again I was pushed to the edge.
Not by her and not by him who I shall not speak of.
But by my own actions.

Cause and effect.
Is nothing more than a cruel irony
I stand to lose everything with out knowing what I might gain.
I have been down this path before. But once again I do not know where it leads.
I have fallen away from the once beaten path in search of my own destiny.
I have lost myself along the way. Who I was who I am and who I will be is now nothing but a mystery.
I lost everything once before.
And like then I do not know what to do.
I fought for what I wanted the most and it was the right thing to do.
I rekindled the love between two souls
I held a innocent child in my arms once again.
But now I sit in the abysmal cold darkness of a self inflected hell.
Not knowing If I am loved by the one who means the most to me.
Not knowing If I will ever get to embrace her in my arms ever again.
Not knowing if I will ever see him smile at me just because he loves me unconditionally.
I may seem unbreakable on the outside. But it is just a shell. And she knows.
I have shattered once again trying the pick up the pieces.
I am so small now I go unnoticed in an ever darkening world.
Ever second of every minuet of every hour of every day.
I ponder does she still love me? Even for the mistakes I have made.
The wrongs I have made to her and the innocent who I have said a silent oath to protect.
I listen to our song of love. And I weep. I have thrown myself over the edge of oblivion. Will she save me once again?
Will she save a deamons soul once again or will she give up and vanish from my sight over the horizon.
I write with not for my own outlet but to let her know the only way I know how.
I love her and I will always. I miss her dearly and pray to the gods that one day we will be united once again.
Please don’t let by prayer go unanswered.
You are my angel and my life. I owe my life to you. If it wasn’t for you I would not have a beautiful boy.
I would not know what love truly is. I would not be sitting here right now.
I owe you everything.

To the love of my life the fire in my soul and the beat in my heart.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Sean Andrew Robert Nolan Byers Burdett. (Say that 10 times fast!)
-- Nickname: Burd, SeanMonster, Burdmun, DADADADADA, Ect...
-- Birth date: Which one to idk... Ill let you guys guess.
-- Birthplace: Cannon Airforce base, Clovis NM
-- Current location: Hell-o
-- Eye color: Green Mood. (Changes color with Temperment)
-- Hair color: Dark brown
-- Height: 5'9"
-- Righty or lefty: Amby.

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Irish and Welsh
-- Your weakness: Careing too much.
-- Your fears: Only one and it is not really a fear it's more of "I dare ya go ahead and try it..."
-- Your perfect pizza: Hawian
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: For people to leave my family THE HELL ALONE!

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: OMGS
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Where me cigarettes, Where me wife and What the hell? Why am I pantless once again?
-- Your best physical feature: My ass, Eyes and smile.
-- Your bedtime: When ever I feel sleepy.
-- Your most missed memory: If I could remember it I would tell ya.

LAYER FOUR
-- Soda/Pop: Orange
-- Fast food joint: Umm if I have to BK
-- Single or group dates: Don't know never tried group
-- Adidas or Nike: Who the hell cares and why in the hell are you looking at my feet and not my face?
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Caffine

LAYER FIVE
-- Smoke: Yeah what of it?
-- Cuss: Oh hell fuckly no.
-- Sing: Yes and I suck and I don't care.
-- Take a shower every day: Try
-- Have a crush(es): Yeah but they are all celbs so I know I'll never get my hands on them.
-- Do you think you've been in love: I know I am In love.
-- Want to go to college: Someday
-- Like high school: I freaking loved it then they told me to go back the next day.
-- Want to get married: Yes.
-- Believe in yourself: Somewhat
-- Get motion sickness: Sometimes at like Mach 4
-- Think you're attractive: No
-- Think you're a health freak: Alittle bit
-- Get along with your parents: No
-- Like thunderstorms: Love em
-- Play an instrument: Yes... The butt trumpet

LAYER SIX
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: No
-- Smoked: Having one right now
-- Done a drug: 4 years sober
-- Had sex: Yes
-- Made out: no
-- Gone on a date: No
-- Gone to the mall: No
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Yes
-- Eaten sushi: Yes
-- Been on stage: No
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen anything: No

LAYER SEVEN
Ever...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes Saki GOOD
-- Been caught doing something: Yes
-- Been called a tease: Who hasn't
-- Gotten beaten up: Define beaten up. If you mean Lose a fight. Nope im a winner I have all my teeth and both eyes and that makes me a winner.
-- Shoplifted: Yep
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Nope just found myself

LAYER EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: 22
-- Numbers and names of children: No answer
-- Describe your dream wedding: Well if it's a dream It wouldn't be real so yeah we wont go there.
-- How do you want to die: By my own hand.
-- Where do you want to go to college: I don't know Quit asking
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Me
-- What country would you most like to visit: All

LAYER NINE
In a guy/girl...
-- Best eye color: Blue
-- Best hair color: Something light but dark at the same time
-- Short or long hair: Long
-- Height: Atleast shorter than me
-- Best weight: Never really mattered to me
-- Best articles of clothing: Perferably nothing
-- Best first date location: Any where is good
-- Best first kiss location: ''

LAYER TEN
--Number of drugs taken illegally: 13
--Number of people you can trust: 6
--Number of CDs that I own: Few
--Number of piercing: 2
--Number of tattoos: 3
--Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Too many times
--Number of scars on my body: Cant count that high
--Number of things in my past that I regret: Nothing
Elftownworldmap 41°32.790'N 93°44.040'W

Place of living: USA-New York

Town: Tonawanda

Known languages
Sign LanguageArabicArmenian
CatalanChineseCzech
DanishDutchEnglish
EstonianFinnishFlemish
FrenchGallegoGerman
GreekAncient GreekHebrew
HindiHungarianIcelandic
IndonesianItalianIrish Gaelic
JapaneseKoreanLaos
LatinLithuanianLatvian
PersianPolishRomanian
RussianSerbianSlovak
SlovenianSpanishSwahili
SwedishThaiTurkish
Scottish GaelicUkrainianWelsh

Elftown crew wannabe: Yes

Sexual preference: none

Body shape: very thin

Height: 173


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