My dad....he can be such a pin-head.
I was supposed to go to his house and spend the whole weekend, but my dog-sitter fell though at the last minute. I have three INDOOR dogs, and he thought that all they needed to be fine outside for two days was a five-gallon bucket of water and some shade...
I live in Arkansas, and the temp here has been in the nineties on a daily basis, with heat indexes that are very hot. When I mentioned to him that they are indoor dogs and not used to that kind of heat, he said "They're animals, they are made for that." Needless to say, I'm irritated by his stupidity.
I'll be staying home with my dogs.

It has been one of those days where I can sit around and reflect quietly on random thoughts. Very nice, peaceful really. One of those days where all seems right with the world.
Looking at my calendar I realized that it's been a year and three months since my husband and I quit smoking. I'm very proud of us, and I find that the greater ease with breathing, enhanced abilities of both taste and smell, and the thought that I am not spending money to kill myself are the greatest rewards. Now if I could just stop eating fast food all together. I love the idea of a more natural way of life. Planting a garden and only eating meat from animals that are farm raised. I know that giving up meat all together would be the best route to take, but I'm not ready for that at all. Selfish as it may be, I think that humans are made to be omnivorous. I believe however that any animal we kill for our consumption should be treated with the greatest respect and given the best life possible. I love the Native Americans way of doing this, thanking the animals that they kill and saying a "prayer" for their souls. We are all brothers, and as Mufasa says, it's "the great circle of life"
On to other thoughts, this is the fourth of July weekend coming up. I'll be spending Sunday on the lake with my dad, husband, and sister in law. I look foreward to it, and hope that the water isn't too warm. It's rained this week, so maybe it will be a bit cooler than it has been. I love it best in late spring where it's a bit of a shock to get into, but you can quickly adjust to it, and it's refreshing. Not so much once it becomes the consistancy of bath water. :)
I'll be so glad when we can move to a place that's not so humid in the spring and summer.

Two entries today. I had to share a few lines of the book Interview With a Vampire by Anne Rice with you that I found most appealing.

This is Lous commenting on the myth that vampires can become steam and float through keyholes.

"I wish I could," laughed the vampire. "How positively delightful. I should like to pass through all manner of different keyholes and feel the tickle of their peculiar shapes."

I just enjoyed that vision. I hope you did too :)

I can't wait for it to be fall, so that I can go to my quiet place in the woods and sit in comfort without being eaten alive by mosquitos and chiggers. The snakes and the bears and coyotes are my friends, the insects..not so much.

Do you want to be an angel,
Do you wanna be a star
Do you wanna play some magic
On my guitar
Do you wanna be a poet
Do you wanna be my string
You could be anything

Do you wanna be the lover of another undercover
You could even be the
Man on the moon

Do you wanna be the player
Do you wanna be the string
Let me tell you something
It just don't mean a thing

You see it really doesn't matter
When you're buried in disguise
By the dark glass on your eyes
Though your flesh has crystallised
Still...you turn me on

Do you wanna be the pillow
Where I lay my head
Do you wanna be the feathers
Lying on my bed
Do you wanna be the cover
Of a magazine
Create a scene

Every day a little sadder
A little madder
Someone get me a ladder

Do you wanna be the singer
Do you wanna be the song
Let me tell you something
You just couldn't be more wrong

You see I really have to tell you
That it all gets so intense
From my experience
It just doesn't seem to make sense

*Do you know who sings this? Tell me :)

I've just realized that I've been here for seven years. Time flies..

I need to draw again. I've never been really good at it, but that's only because I've never given it the time it takes to become good at it. I'm sure some people are just naturals, but I'm not one of them...nonetheless, anyone can draw I've been told, so I will press on. I do enjoy the process, and find it relaxing yet stimulating at the same time, and it's high time I started doing some kind of craft as a hobby again.
In other news, my sister never came to Dad's house, and no one has heard from her. I guess she doesn't need anything. I hope she's well, though, and I say that in all honesty, though I must admit a very small part of me says it so to not tempt fate. I am very much a believer in fate, karma and the like. Not, however, in the sense that we have no control over what will happen to us, only that if something is meant to happen, it will. I think I need a nap, I've got the sleepy, philisophical thing going on. :)

I never cease to be inspired by my friends here..
If you know me, and read these little postings of mine, and have not yet done so, check out [Skydancer]. He is a genious when it comes to photography and reference work.

Today was a very interesting day indeed. My husband's grandmother passed away in February of this year at the age of ninety-two. Today was her birthday, and we decided to take her ashes to a local park where they have a yearly rendezvous that she loved to attend. It's a beautiful place, with a mountain that overlooks a river and forest. We scattered her in the river there, in one of her favorite places while my husband and I burnt sage and sweet grass which is commonly done at the rendezvous. We played Native American music from Robbie Robertson, and though she was sometimes a difficult woman, I think she would have approved. May she rest in peace.

Things are going well. The birds have finally found my bird feeder, and now I'm trying to learn the names for all of them. The prettiest one I've seen so far is an Eastern Goldfinch. I'm hoping for an Indigo Bunting. They are too pretty. Had a quiet weekend at home with Michael. It's nice when we get to just relax, and have no where to be. There's always stuff to do, but nothing so pressing as to disrupt our weekend. Next weekend for Memorial Day, we're going to my dad's for a party. He lives by the lake, so it's convenient to take the boat out for a while, and then go back to his house and cook out. The only draw-back is the fact that my sister is going to be in town. She only comes around when she needs something from him, and this time is no exception. I have nothing to offer her, so I haven't seen her in over a year, and haven't heard from her since last November. I hope one day she'll learn the value of life, and get off of the booze and drugs, but I've wasted so much energy worrying about her, and I just don't have it in me to do so anymore. Is that bad, or is it self-preservation?
Anyways, weekend after next, I'm throwing a slumber party sort of thing for some of my female friends and family. A girl's night in so to speak. It should be interesting to see what ensues when a bunch of us get together and drink champagne and wear face masks. :) Yes, I lead such an exciting life...

Is it the human condition to want to cause onesself emotional turmoil, or is it a learned behavior?

And three months after my last entry, we have internet. We have been doing well lately. It feels as though my life is beginning to find its balance again, and for that I'm greatful. I'm not angry with anyone, am releasing grudges for wrongs that have been done to me, and have pretty much realized that life is to short to harbour so much resentment. It hurts no one but myself, and that is a waste of energy that can be used for better more positive outlets. As Robbie Robertson said, "When you find out what's worth keeping, with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." Perfect words for me to live by.

Uck, my head hurts! I've been trying to decide what colors I want to paint the walls in our house once it closes, and I am HORRIBLE at this. The closing date is in ten days, and then I have to know what I want to paint it so I can get that done before we move our stuff in. The house we are currently in is a huge mess, with packing and such going on, and a messy house bugs me immensely. Michael doesn't seem fazed by any of it though. I envy his apathy. :P
Aside from that, I'm housebreaking another puppy. We have gotten an eight week old pit bull pup, and so far he's very smart, and very people-oriented. I have named him Zeus, and so with our cat Loki, we now have two little gods in the house. Then there's Sky, my husky, Lady Bug, my hubby's poodle, and Skipper, my little man who's been pictured at my house here a few times. Life would be very lonely without animals.

I love her cat eyes, green as a lake in the summertime..reflections dance across those waters.
But she only likes me when I wear lipstick..

My dreams are STRANGE.

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? I've been told I have, but I never got to hear it
3) What song makes you cry? I Grieve by Peter Gabriel
4) what song makes you happy? Anything by Sting or Enigma
5) what do you like to listen to before bed? Soothing music, and then my fan
6) height: 5'6
7) hair color: Brown, black, red, gold, blonde in the summer...etc
8) skin color: Pretty pale
9) eye color: Green
10) piercings: Ears, nose at one time, belly-button in high school, not any more.
11) tattoos: None
12) what color pants are you wearing?: Blue
13) what song are you listening to?: None at the moment
14) what taste is in your mouth?: Syrup. I just had waffles with the kids I'm watching
15) what's the weather like?: Cold with melting snow
16) how are you?: Tired and anxious to get into our house
17) get motion sickness?: If I read in the car, yes, or when my mother in law drives...uck
18) have a bad habit: I bite my nails, but I quit smoking last year!! :)

F A V O R I T E S

19)Singer- Sting
20) tv show: The Dog Whisperer
21) conditioner: Olive Oil
22) book: Rose Madder by Stephen King
23) non alcoholic drink: Water
24) alcoholic drink: Dark beer + brandy (she's a fine girl)+ coke= Geismalt
25) thing to do on the weekend: Anything outside on a nice day, when it's rainy we play card or board games

H A V E Y O U

26) broken the law: Too many times.
27) ran away from home: Years ago
28) snuck out of the house: Actually never
29) ever gone skinny dipping: Yes
31) ever tipped over a porta potty: Thought about it, but no
32) used your parents' credit card before: Not unless they knew about it
33) skipped school before: Once
34) fell asleep in the shower/bath: Once or twice during Nursing School. I was always so tired then
35) been in a school play: Yes...I was Nana in Peter Pan.. XD

L O V E

36) girlfriend/boyfriend: Hubby
37) sexuality: Who's asking?
38) children: May possibly adopt some day. Not sure yet. We currently have furry children
40) been in love: Once or twice
41) had a hard time getting over someone: Yes, but I'm not at the age where I realize that no matter what happens, I'll heal and move on.
42) been hurt: Of course, who hasn't?
43) your greatest regret: Not being there for my Gram
44) gone out with someone you only knew for three days: Yes, and now we're married <3
R A N D O M

45) do you have a job: I babysit for my cousin
46) your cd player has in it right now: Crosby Stills Nash and Young's Greatest Hits
47) if you were a crayon what color would you be?: Cerulean
48) what makes you happy: Music, it can always change my moods and brings the greatest nostalgia
49) what's the next cd you're gonna get?: Moby-Play

W H E N / W H A T W A S T H E L A S T

50) time you cried: This morning
51) you got a real letter?: Around Christmas Time
52) you got e-mail: This morning
53) thing you purchased : Food
54) tv program you watched: Dora the Explorer...kids :)
55) movie you saw in the theater: New Moon

Y O U R T H O U G H T S O N

56) abortion: I won't go there at this time
57) teenage smoking: Stupid, but it's not the cigarette companies fault, it's the parent's
58) spice girls: I liked them back in the day, but not really my thing anymore
59) dreams: The keys to your subconscious mind
60)Gays/Lesbian: Love is love

Such a strange day with so many emotions...where to start?

Late yesterday afternoon, I was looking around on Facebook searching for people who had impacted my life in one way or another, and I decided on a whim to enter the name of my first kiss in the search engine. I had met him in 1994 at a church camp (the first and last I ever went to), and though our relationship only lasted for that week, I had never forgotten him, though his face had become quite hazy over the years. I only really knew his name, birthday, and the fact that he was from Peoria, but surprisingly while I was looking through the pictures of the people who matched his name, I found him quite easily. I could have walked right by him and not recognized him though, he had changed over the years as we all do. That and at thirteen years old, I wasn't so adept at committing faces to memory.
After finding him, I was faced with the dilemma of whether or not I should contact him. What if he had forgotten me? I don't like looking silly, or worse yet, obsessive? But,if that week were to him as it was to me, then I know if the shoe were on the other foot I'd want him to contact me. I wrote the typical "Is this you?" letter that one writes when they think they are sure it's the person, but don't want to look like a fool if it's not, and when I checked my Facebook this morning he had replied saying that yes, it was him, and that I had just made him take a long trip down memory lane. So to my relief, he remembers me. And yes, after sixteen years I still have butterflies..I'm married, so NOT good! So massive confusion Part 1.

This is the reason I never wanted to get married. I was always so afraid that I'd have a Bridges of Madison County moment, but I convinced myself that I would be totally happy with Michael, and that seems as though I may have erred. We are happy sometimes, I'd say it's about 60% happy, 40% not. At what percentage should you decide that enough's enough? But I'm not one to take marriage lightly. On one hand, I tell myself that this is a decision I've made, and I have to stick with it, but on the other hand, I know that life is short and don't want to waste his or mine in any way. This is something I've been thinking about for a while, not just because a past boyfriend replied to a letter. Maybe I just lead myself into temptation, and if I stopped doing that things would be fine. I will NEVER cheat on him. I watched my mother do that to my dad, and I lost all respect for her. If it came to that, I would end it first. Ugh! So confused!!*Bangs head on desk*

~Anyways~

Confusion part 2 comes from the fact that we were out-bidden on the house we were wanting, and now I have to start the looking at houses process all over again. MAJOR bummer, even though it's fun to house hunt, we are hoping to get one before the stimulus ends in April and so we are kind of rushed. I had my heart set, but I know that there is a reason for everything, so I will get over it and move on...

Then, as if the two dilemmas above weren't enough, I'm watching my cousin's kids today who have seemed to take it upon themselves to drive me just a little crazy...and let me tell you it's a short trip. They are taking turns throwing tantrums, and I'm praying that eleven o' clock comes soon. Nap time is great!

Hike up your skirt a little more, show your world to me~

Michael and I have been house hunting lately, and I think I've found a place that I like. It's smallish, but bigger than the place we've been renting by far. 1500 square feet, four bedroom, two bathrooms, and on an acre of land with woods in the back (got to have my woods). Two of the four bedrooms are larger, and the other two are not tiny. Good for kids, which we are thinking of adopting once we become more established. The living room is large, and the kitchen has LOTS of cabinets and counter space, as well as a dishwasher (YES!). We are meeting with a real estate agent Saturday morning, and depending on what Michael thinks, we may be making an offer. Wish us luck!
I'll be taking pictures probably Saturday, and may post some here once I get the film developed...the only downside to having a camera that isn't digital.
What else....? Oh, Michael has started school for being an airplane technician, or something along those lines, and though he is worn out at the end of the day I know he feels better about himself having done so.
Other than all that, things are pretty quiet with me lately. Glad the holidays are over, though they went relatively well. Hope that you all are safe, warm, and happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sZcyNktWAU

Do NOT watch if you don't like lewd toilet humor XD

I would shag Sting, most definitely...he or Sophie B. Hawkins...maybe both at the same time. At least then I'd be warm. It's so cold here!

~Sleep deprived Mariah has spoken

Flow My Tears

Flow, my tears, fall from your springs!
Exiled for ever, let me mourn;
Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,
There let me live forlorn.

Down vain lights, shine you no more!
No nights are dark enough for those
That in despair their lost fortunes deplore.
Light doth but shame disclose.

Never may my woes be relieved,
Since pity is fled;
And tears and sighs and groans my weary days
Of all joys have deprived.

From the highest spire of contentment
My fortune is thrown;
And fear and grief and pain for my deserts
Are my hopes, since hope is gone.

Hark! you shadows that in darkness dwell,
Learn to contemn light
Happy, happy they that in hell
Feel not the world's despite



*Written around 1600 by John Dowland