-Reply to Katie [*~*Pink Charmed Barbie*~*]
Ahh, you didnt have to say it like that. Kinda makes me think you're envious. You're not envious are you? And why did you ask to become my friend, then push me away like that? It was kinda wierd you called yourself a "dirty smelly Katie wantabe", so I was wondering if someone had hacked into your account and sent me that. That's all. And I dont hate you.
I just hate your personality, your hair, your attitude, your shoes, the way you pretend that you're not fake, your over use of the color pink (I myself would wear a pink shirt every once in a while, but all the time? C'mon...), your laugh (Jesus), I also hate the fact that you cannot realize when you are being insulted constantly, or when you're being obnoxiously annoying. You should think about waxing the hair on your feet too. That was kinda gross.
Also, really the only reason Chance or I ever hung around you were because you were Manda's friend. I accually pissed her off once because I let her in on that fact while you and her were still friends. I can't believe that she accually stood up for you. I guess she came to her senses after she went to college. Besides which, so far as I know she still wants her books and her clothes back. You're being a bitch about not giving them back. Now that Manda doesnt hang around you anymore, I believe she has gained back her origional IQ points that she seemed to misplace everytime she was around you (Im not the only one who noticed, I guess several other people mentioned something concerning that fact at her dorm).
Other than that, I hope you die, or if you dont, you should probably not ever tell me to fuck off ever again. Also, have a nice day.
A Poem for Me
I need to escape from -
I need to free myself from -
I can't get away from you.
I'm in love with the thought of you.
I need to break this -
I need to kill this -
I don't feel safe around you.
I feel hollow without you.
Having you would mean pain for me,
But I'm ready to show you my joy.
Also, I just remembered I had a dream about you. This is very strange, as I've dreampt of a total of 4 real people in my whole life. All of the rest were short dreams, one about my brother smoking that woke me up, another about my mom (the doctor says its normal ~shiver~), and two more about some random chicks that Chance just happened to be in the same room. 3 of them were just normal dreams, excepting the one about my brother and now you. You're my 5th.
I had finally come up to see you and had stayed up there for some time. We were in love, but there was something under the surface, something I couldnt quite grasp. You always seemed to be running, even when you were standing still, not from me, but something else, maybe the world itself. We never talked, but halfway through the dream you streched out your hand to me behind you and smiled, but something was wrong. Terror seemed to sweep through both of us and you started running. I couldnt keep up, you always seemed two steps ahead of me. I knew that things were coming apart and that I might lose you. In the dream I couldnt stand the thought. I woke up soaked in sweat, even without a blanket over me and all my windows open.
I dont know what it means, usually I try to interpret others dreams, seeing stuff they didnt even know they saw, but on this one I dont know if I want to know the meaning. My memory always seems to fail me, so Im going to save this email, so I can look back on it some other time. I dont know why I drempt of you, I hadnt even thought about you in the couple of days prior to the dream. Who knows, maybe you can pull out a meaning for yourself. Or maybe it was just a dream.....
Poor skinny white boy wants hot, non creepy woman over 18 in CDA, will discuss what makes one non-creepy. Stalkers need not apply
I still feel really bad about leaving you in the dark for so long. I hope you understand why I did it; there were good reasons...
When I last saw you I was going through some bad times. Things were going wrong that I had expected to, but they exceeded my expectations. This chick named Jessica really messed up my head and basically treated me like a play toy, an object. I knew she would try to fuck with me sooner or later, but I hadnt expected to get tricked into love. She didnt love me. Instead she made me a fool for thinking so... I tried to get rid of her memory by doing something drastic, something I had never done before: I shaved my head. I loved my hair, but I thought that I could forget. Now I look at my poor hair every morning, as it serves as a constant reminder of her. That was about the same time I last saw you, maybe alittle after.
Added into that with Dannielle who thought she was in love with me; I wrecked havok on her pathetic life. I didnt feel any remorse for the tears rolling down her face... Atleast that went the way I wanted it too, but it was the reason why I thought Jessica was jealous. So, it came back to bite me. That was alittle bit before the last time I saw you.
And then you. Smack dab in the middle. The only one that I would fight to the death to protect. The only one I accually cared about. I guess it was more than that back then, I had wanted you pretty bad, and was kinda pissed off at all these stupid guys who just couldnt seem to treat you right. It was then I realized that I was your friend. Nothing more. I could never have you and if I did, I would be just another one of those guys that I despise. I wouldnt be able to handle what I wanted: a relationship. Not with you, not with anyone. I've always been the one to fuck up anything if I touch it, with any relationship. I can only imagine one that would work out, but Im afriad that whoever I had the relation with would concider me not paying enough attention to them.
All three of you with my mom having an anurism and my cat dying and getting kicked out of my house and shaving my head and stupid customers at work and... my problem with having no one to vent to. I harbor every little thing that happens until I crack and freak out. When I do, I cant figure out what's going on because it's now just one big thing I can point to...It's millions of tiny pinpricks that just add up to one big sharp jab in my spine. I didnt want you to be there when I cracked. This last time I've almost hit Chance, and he's my best friend. I didnt want to imagine what I could say to you when that happened, especially when I couldn't seem to be myself when I was around you. So... I pushed you away. As far away as I could and tried to keep you there, safe from me.
Anyways, I seemed to have rambled on. That is all in the past now, Danielle and Jessica are long gone and I dont want to hurt you anymore. Humor me please, try to work with me. Im trying to come back to a life I have forgotten and I dont remember exactly how to make my way back. I dont want to be like other guys to you, so I'll be the next best thing. A big brother, of sorts. Sorry that its taken this long to be able to talk to you.
Katie and Manda used to hang around with me about three years ago when I worked at Triple Play (family fun center, go carts/bowling/
Since then, I moved away to go to college then moved back and have been living with Chance. I have gone through alot of shit since they last saw me, two years ago. They just expect me to be the same person. Im not. Ive tried to explain it to them but they dont understand. I am literaly going insane because I still want Manda and I realized that I will never be able to have her. She is one of the main focuses of me freaking out in the middle of the day, cutting myself (which I had never done before), and contemplating suicide. Not the main, but one of them. I want to be sane again so I tried to say goodbye. She wont let me, leaving messages (along with Katie) on my wikis which I cant block. I can block their spam mails about me being a "follower" and having "no personality". They dont understand and wont listen to me when I try to explain it.
I change myself when Im around Manda. That sets off big gongs inside my head saying that this isnt right. I cant do this anymore. I want to be sane. Why cant they let me be sane?!?
Update on Jessica. When she left our house, it looks like she still wanted some B-day sex. She ended up going to a party down the street going after some guy that obviously didnt want her (she trapped him and he ran) and then trashed talked both me and Chance (which Chance hadnt done anything except stand up for me after she kissed him -awkward position, but he played it off pretty well) to her friends (who happen to know us and hang out with us). Her friends stood up for us and now wont have anything to to with her, I guess we were the last straw as there was alot of other shit that she had done to them.
Soooo.....No more stalking Jessica. Right. Now all I need to do is have a nice little chat with her, that probably wont be very nice for her. She probably wont be back for another couple of months, thinking like she always does that everything revolves around her and she can come see anybody 5 years later and theyre suppose to act like nothings changed.
Welcome to reality. Few people have accually realized the nature behind this fact. Nobody cares, even those that say they do, will forget you in a couple years. You want a reason? There are none to give you. Believe me, Ive looked. I dont know why I still keep on living, besides the fact that Im just too lazy to do it. Just dont worry about it. Think about it tomorrow, and focus right now on finding that ladder that you fell down when you first got to this conclusion. Ignorance is bliss....If you can convince yourself that there is something, anything worth living for, hold onto it, even if it is a lie. Who knows, Im a hopeless romantic and I have always believed that things could get better. Someday. Somewhere, maybe not here, maybe not now, but Someday.
I have Lost all hope. This is my testament of what my life has begun.
Before I begin, lets start at the begining. I used to be the popular jock that everyone knew and never really bothered knowing anyones names. I played football and lettered in wrestling two years in a row, I dated cheerleaders just so I could watch them on the sidelines when I got pulled off defense or when I wasn't up in line to pin someone on the wrestling mat. That was three years ago. I met a guy, someone that I didnt know very well, and since it was a new school, I didnt know what "clic" he fit into. We became somewhat friends, then towards the end of the school year I started thinking different. It was my senior year and I realized that nothing would matter next year. Being popular wouldnt get me anywhere. I decided to live my own life.
I moved into the guys house that summer. I started to change. He never forced any way of thinking on me, it was just that he made me realize who I was and where exactly my life was going; just by being around him. I started to wear black to piss people off and even made my mom cry when I came home one day wearing a pair of black pants and a fishnet shirt. We both realized that we really didnt have ANY friends. Just us. I guess you could say we were best friends. Anyways, his name is Chance [kidneythief]. I hope I didn't sound too gay when I said all that shit. Sorry Chance.
Back to Now: I've been "seeing" this chick for a couple of months now, her name is Jessica [Indolentia]. What I mean my "seeing" is that she randomly shows up at Chance's and my apartment, stays a couple nights in a row, then dissapears for a month or so. I thought it was kinda nice being a vibrator; I dont do relationships anyways, so this was the life. She was on a off month and this chick, Danielle [Izik] shows up and fucks with Mark (see diary posting below).
Jessica shows up the weekend afterwards and without thinking, Mark and I end up telling her what I did to Danielle. She started acting wierd, ignored me the rest of the night, kissed my friend when I left to get something to eat, then leaves suddenly and unexpectedly. I always get depressed when she leaves (for various reasons Id rather not talk about), although when she is around she makes me feel soooo happy. I just cant get enough of her. I was trying to go to sleep, kicking myself because I felt that I had done something wrong, and realized that she had accually felt jelious of Danielle, just for the reason that Jessica wasnt the last person that fucked me. In my drugged out mind, I figure that I must fix this. I fucked it up. Now it looks like I dragged it to far and now I look like a stalker and she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. (Dont be making up opinions, I havent told you everything, she has a very good right to feel the way she does)
Now I realized that I have lost something important to me that I didnt even know I had. It was like getting your arm chopped off after you had taken it for granted that it would always be there. So, I resulted to other things to keep my mind off of her. Alcohol didnt work out very well, since I didnt have enough to drown out her memory. I almost overdosed on pills, so I dont think I want to go that route again. I couldnt think of anything else so I tried ending it all. My great luck, I couldnt find a sharp enough knife to do the job. Now my wrist is chop suey, my head feels like mush inside, my stomach is trying to crawl up my throat, and I still have her inside my head. She wont come out.
Now I have to face the fact that Ive scared her away for good, I'll never see her again. I cant even tell her what I feel. So. No more hope for me anymore. There was no love to begin with, so now I cant be hurt anymore.
For anyone who reads this, DO NOT send my sympathetic letters. I will reply with nasty hate mail. No one likes nasty hate mail. For you who know what Im talking about, I dont want to hear similar storys either. This was just an imformative note just to let you know what has been happening with me lately.
Im over this now. I've put my past behind me as there is nothing I can do to fix my fuckups. I am hopeless, remember?