Katie and Manda used to hang around with me about three years ago when I worked at Triple Play (family fun center, go carts/bowling/
Since then, I moved away to go to college then moved back and have been living with Chance. I have gone through alot of shit since they last saw me, two years ago. They just expect me to be the same person. Im not. Ive tried to explain it to them but they dont understand. I am literaly going insane because I still want Manda and I realized that I will never be able to have her. She is one of the main focuses of me freaking out in the middle of the day, cutting myself (which I had never done before), and contemplating suicide. Not the main, but one of them. I want to be sane again so I tried to say goodbye. She wont let me, leaving messages (along with Katie) on my wikis which I cant block. I can block their spam mails about me being a "follower" and having "no personality". They dont understand and wont listen to me when I try to explain it.
I change myself when Im around Manda. That sets off big gongs inside my head saying that this isnt right. I cant do this anymore. I want to be sane. Why cant they let me be sane?!?
Update on Jessica. When she left our house, it looks like she still wanted some B-day sex. She ended up going to a party down the street going after some guy that obviously didnt want her (she trapped him and he ran) and then trashed talked both me and Chance (which Chance hadnt done anything except stand up for me after she kissed him -awkward position, but he played it off pretty well) to her friends (who happen to know us and hang out with us). Her friends stood up for us and now wont have anything to to with her, I guess we were the last straw as there was alot of other shit that she had done to them.
Soooo.....No more stalking Jessica. Right. Now all I need to do is have a nice little chat with her, that probably wont be very nice for her. She probably wont be back for another couple of months, thinking like she always does that everything revolves around her and she can come see anybody 5 years later and theyre suppose to act like nothings changed.
Welcome to reality. Few people have accually realized the nature behind this fact. Nobody cares, even those that say they do, will forget you in a couple years. You want a reason? There are none to give you. Believe me, Ive looked. I dont know why I still keep on living, besides the fact that Im just too lazy to do it. Just dont worry about it. Think about it tomorrow, and focus right now on finding that ladder that you fell down when you first got to this conclusion. Ignorance is bliss....If you can convince yourself that there is something, anything worth living for, hold onto it, even if it is a lie. Who knows, Im a hopeless romantic and I have always believed that things could get better. Someday. Somewhere, maybe not here, maybe not now, but Someday.
I have Lost all hope. This is my testament of what my life has begun.
Before I begin, lets start at the begining. I used to be the popular jock that everyone knew and never really bothered knowing anyones names. I played football and lettered in wrestling two years in a row, I dated cheerleaders just so I could watch them on the sidelines when I got pulled off defense or when I wasn't up in line to pin someone on the wrestling mat. That was three years ago. I met a guy, someone that I didnt know very well, and since it was a new school, I didnt know what "clic" he fit into. We became somewhat friends, then towards the end of the school year I started thinking different. It was my senior year and I realized that nothing would matter next year. Being popular wouldnt get me anywhere. I decided to live my own life.
I moved into the guys house that summer. I started to change. He never forced any way of thinking on me, it was just that he made me realize who I was and where exactly my life was going; just by being around him. I started to wear black to piss people off and even made my mom cry when I came home one day wearing a pair of black pants and a fishnet shirt. We both realized that we really didnt have ANY friends. Just us. I guess you could say we were best friends. Anyways, his name is Chance [kidneythief]. I hope I didn't sound too gay when I said all that shit. Sorry Chance.
Back to Now: I've been "seeing" this chick for a couple of months now, her name is Jessica [Indolentia]. What I mean my "seeing" is that she randomly shows up at Chance's and my apartment, stays a couple nights in a row, then dissapears for a month or so. I thought it was kinda nice being a vibrator; I dont do relationships anyways, so this was the life. She was on a off month and this chick, Danielle [Izik] shows up and fucks with Mark (see diary posting below).
Jessica shows up the weekend afterwards and without thinking, Mark and I end up telling her what I did to Danielle. She started acting wierd, ignored me the rest of the night, kissed my friend when I left to get something to eat, then leaves suddenly and unexpectedly. I always get depressed when she leaves (for various reasons Id rather not talk about), although when she is around she makes me feel soooo happy. I just cant get enough of her. I was trying to go to sleep, kicking myself because I felt that I had done something wrong, and realized that she had accually felt jelious of Danielle, just for the reason that Jessica wasnt the last person that fucked me. In my drugged out mind, I figure that I must fix this. I fucked it up. Now it looks like I dragged it to far and now I look like a stalker and she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. (Dont be making up opinions, I havent told you everything, she has a very good right to feel the way she does)
Now I realized that I have lost something important to me that I didnt even know I had. It was like getting your arm chopped off after you had taken it for granted that it would always be there. So, I resulted to other things to keep my mind off of her. Alcohol didnt work out very well, since I didnt have enough to drown out her memory. I almost overdosed on pills, so I dont think I want to go that route again. I couldnt think of anything else so I tried ending it all. My great luck, I couldnt find a sharp enough knife to do the job. Now my wrist is chop suey, my head feels like mush inside, my stomach is trying to crawl up my throat, and I still have her inside my head. She wont come out.
Now I have to face the fact that Ive scared her away for good, I'll never see her again. I cant even tell her what I feel. So. No more hope for me anymore. There was no love to begin with, so now I cant be hurt anymore.
For anyone who reads this, DO NOT send my sympathetic letters. I will reply with nasty hate mail. No one likes nasty hate mail. For you who know what Im talking about, I dont want to hear similar storys either. This was just an imformative note just to let you know what has been happening with me lately.
Im over this now. I've put my past behind me as there is nothing I can do to fix my fuckups. I am hopeless, remember?