[xX.//Standing Up From Underneath//.Xx]'s diary

996817  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-12-04
Written: (4032 days ago)

You've got nothing to live for you're a plague
A filthy fucking drain on the world
And everything it holds.
So I stopped talking to myself it's getting old
I'm getting old like this song.
So fall in line or fall apart and die.

Just go give up hope,
Sink your boat along with you.
So what are you gonna do?

Oh is it me or is your status sold at the mall--
Or in your favorite store?
Where adolescent hypocrites would go to get clothed
And then get laid, as they creep their way
Into some girl that would feel vain if she said:

Go give up hope and sink your boat along with you.
So what are you gonna do when you lose control?
You'll get it.
When you lose it all.
You'll get it, get it.

994604  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-11-24
Written: (4042 days ago)

"Take It All"

Looking up from underneath, as low as we are,
Nothing looks the same to me, am I deceived?
I stand and watch myself from somewhere else,
Something I don’t want to see.

Take it all, so I’m left with nothing at all.
Have it all, cuz I’m learning how to fall, yes I’m learning how to fall.

Standing up from underneath, as low as we are,
Things aren’t what they used to be, was I deceived?
I stand and watch myself like someone else,
Something I don’t want to see.

Take it all, so I’m left with nothing at all.
Have it all, cuz I’m learning how to fall, yes I’m learning how to fall.

Why don’t you fall? Fall.
Take it all, so I’m left with nothing at all.
Have it all, cuz I’m looking out to fall,
I can’t trust what I see; I can’t tell if its me, it is changing.
Take it all, cuz I’m learning how to fall, yes I’m learning how to fall.

992742  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-11-16
Written: (4050 days ago)

Everything's okay between me and Josh now.
It was one of those awkward moment talks.

But it's okay.

Gosh, he's amazing!!!
I pretty much love him to death.

Things are fantastical.
The Babylon play is STILL rehearsing.
They've already played they're one show here.
Now the cast and crew are traveling to local area High Schools to perform.

The Bonfire was a bust. Not many people showed up.
But, whatever.

The weather is FREEZING, and burrrrr! It's just plain cold!
I've already got my schedule for next semester all planned out!
And I got enrolled!!!
Go me!
I'm taking:
-Zoology (& Lab)
-Princ. Chemistry (& Lab)

I should stay PLENTY busy!!

Lydia's still guna be in my classes with me.
As for Marisa, I dunno.
Her life has been spirialing downward for a long time, now.
Her house burned down.
Her neice died.
She has medical problems.

Oy.... I feel so bad for her!!

But she's taking it well!
She's still keeping her chin up!

I made a new video.
Check it out on my MYSPACE Video:


It makes me laugh.
Look at the Stuff from Senior day.

989843  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-11-06
Written: (4060 days ago)

Okay, right on.

I'm off to Chapters!

I'm carrying my Gig case today.
It's lighter than my hardcase.
Eh... but doesn't provide as much protection for my loverly guitar. =/


Things are going good, I guess.

Josh wants to talk to me, though.... about something... makes me a little nervous.
I'll get over it, whatever it is.
He's being very vauge....!

Okay, right on.

989175  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-11-04
Written: (4063 days ago)

Here's what's up:
I'm in trouble with the cops, AGAIN!
This one just MIGHT reach my parentals.
I hate cops. WITH A PASSION!
I've only seen more and more of them recently.

Well, then on top of that, I lied to one, today.
Yeeeeeeah. Shit on a silver platter, if you ask me.
I feel uber bad too, cause my boyfriend got drug into it.
So, when the coppa came to his room he was pretty much freakin' out.
And it was MY fault.

Well, so I had to go to the station.
Joshua came with me, but waited outside cause he wasn't technically in trouble.
I didn't get arrested. Thank god.
But I'm getting fined.
So is my boyfriend.
That made me feel REEEEEAAAAAALLY bad.
That's the worst part.
'Cause Josh already has a report on him.

And not to mention this dick (the cop) and I have had a run in before....
He's just an ass. A dick-ass combo. If there was ever such a mix. But it makes it bad that I've encountered him more than once. Annnnnnnnnd..... I lied to him to save face.

My parents might get involved.
Unless I beat the mail everyday for the next two weeks.
Should they get involved, I need a P.O.A. (plan of action).
I'll no doubt get pulled outta school. If they find out about this one.
But--- I can either:
1) Run away
2) Stick with it in hell once more.

A'ight. Those are my two, I need more options.
Gimme an' idea would ya, folks?!

Irie. Send me the mail.
I command thee!
(Or I can beg, whichever)

Peace. LUCK. Definintly some chunks tonite.

989096  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-11-03
Written: (4063 days ago)

Those of you in the area!

My Club is hosting a bonfire at school. Everyone'll be there, and EVERYONE is invited to come and have a good time, so bring yourself! (AND SOME TRASH WE CAN RECYCLE!!!)

989026  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-11-03
Written: (4063 days ago)

Turns out Josh went as an EFFIN hawt pirate to the dance!

Yes..... VERY hawt. LOL
I love pirates.

today was pretty much the shitz.
Josh and I actaully really got into it today.
Oh. My. Gawd.
So----- now I know what it feels like to get off....!!!
((no, we didn't do anything like that.... we just fooled around....))
Lettme tell you what... foreplay=amazing.
Like twice. (YEAH! FOR REAL! o_o!!)
We were up there for like 3 hours.
My favorite music was playing on the Xbox, and just wow. Okay?
He's pretty much the shitz.
No shit.

I feel amazing with him.
Not even kidding.

There was this one part, at the end, where I freaked a lil' bit cause he kinda *touched* me, you know?
I thought I'd like it, in theory, that is.....
...but it just turns out that after my last time--- i don't really like that anymore....
You know?
I got just a little bit carried away.
Wasn't ready.
All I said was "No, stop."
And poor josh.... jumps up real fast, hugs me, then asks if I'm okay.
"Oh, yeah! I'm fine, really!"
Are you sure? Did I hurt you?
"Nope! Really! I swear! ^___^"

He's pretty much amazing.


I've totally fallen for him, he's such a sweetheart.

988579  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-11-01
Written: (4065 days ago)


Hahaha... I was a zombie rock star.
Jesse told me I looked hot.
I scared Josh when I woke him up yesterday morning.
His roommate was like: "Why the hell is your face painted? Are you some sort of juggalo ninja?"
"NO!" I said, "It's HALLOWEEN!"

Katilin dressed like Avril Lavigne,
Matt went as a fat guy.
Jake went as a Rock Star
Sarah (Blondie) went as Jake's groupie.
Sarah (red) went hardcore.
Cody went as a Juggalo ninja.
...and josh didn't dress up at all.
I just found out that Brian's an ordained PAGEN minister.
That was totally rad.

Jake and I had out hair dyed all black with the spray in stuff. It was funny lookin'!

I didn't go to the dance with everyone, but that's okay.
I had a lot of fun!

Halloween was awesome!

987365  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-10-28
Written: (4069 days ago)

We totally turned eachother on today.
It was so funny.

It's cute that we're both so ticklish!

It was so cold today.

I intended to only stay over there for like 20 mintues.
I stayed for 2 hours.
I'm weak!
I can't leave him! He's so amazing!

Good GAWD!
Can he EVER make out!
I mean..... Goodness....! He makes me like jelly with just a simple kiss.
But when he puts the moves on--- gosh.

And I completly lose track of time when I'm with him.

Fur sure.

Oh, he was so sweet.
So, by now you know my hair's gotten pretty long, right?
Well, after making out, it was a MESS....!
...and I was getting ready to go home.
So I borrowed his brush, and I was looking in the mirror brushing my lion's mane down.... and he comes from behind me a like.... totally embraces me!
...kissing the back of my neck real gentle like.
Then he pulls my hair over my shoulder, and just lays his chin on my shoulder.
Just looking at me though my reflection.


He's so sweet to me.
He takes such good care of me, too.

Man, I feel like I'm in heaven on earth with this one.
I can truely say, with total complete honesty that I have NEVER felt this way about anyone before, in my LIFE!
I've have had subtle feelings every now and then before.... but he makes me feel like that EVERYDAY!!!!!!!
And he's only amazing.
I get butterflies when I see him for the first time everyday, he sends shivers up my spine when he looks in my eyes....
DEFINITE chemistry.

I've told dad and mom about him, in passing.
They're giving me hell over it.
But I'm totally determined to introduce them, though.
I wanna do this one right.
He's so incredible.

And I totally can't wait to go to Tallequah with him!
This is going to be so awesome!
A road trip!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE road trips!!!!!!!!!!
I'm espically excited to go with HIM!

Last time, when I went to Tulsa with Antonio and Alix... It was really fun because of the play, ROMEO & JULIET. But it wasn't that far away, and we couldn't really hang out durning the performance.
BUT NOW....!
I get to go like, 4 hours away (we can sit in the back...!)! Tour a beautiful campus! Maybe see Greg and Amanda!
Just........ wow..........

I can't wait.

I just SO love my life right now!!!!

Oh, and by the by, Josh and I decided not to go to the Halloween dance. ^-^v
It's lame-tarded.
Nothing but rap.

I'll suggest we go to the Haunted Colman, though.
It's within' walking distance also! (that's only important because I don't wanna drive around on Halloween.)

987213  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-10-28
Written: (4070 days ago)

So, a good 3 months since my last entry, hm?

[ I'm trying to think of good things that'll make me smile.
I plan to laugh myself to sleep once again, tonite.

Lots has happened!
Jake and Sarah (Blondie) are engaged.
Matt and Sarah (Red) are engaged.
Frank and Sarah (Germany) are pregent.
I'm with Joshua Bales. ♥ And I love him.

I've told him this. But with no reply.
He wants to tell me, but wants to make sure he means it before he ever says something that serious.
I've already made up my mind on him.
I'm sticking with it!

He's in Fight club.
And is a theater major.
We have in common a crappy 2 year + relationship recovery.
'Cept he came out a virgin, and I didn't. =(
He's unbelivibly smart. I love that about him.
He loves film, same as me.
He volentarily carries my heavy books home and to class. I've never once asked this of him.
He shares his sweaters with me, and brings me icecream everyday.
He plays my digimon games with me. And we play tag in the mall often.
I totally get lost in his ocean blue eyes.
Fred Fredburger is his hero. It's so funny.
He plays the harmonica. He's really good.
Every other night or so, he comes to my alley and plays outside my window the first song he ever showed me.
I'll jump out of bed, head for the light, look out the window and he'll blow me a kiss goodnite.
He's such a romantic.
He takes care of my guitar for me during the week. I keep it in his room. So we can play together everyday.
He's going to meet my parents soon.
He doesn't treat me like a little kid.
He's so very loyal.
And I can't help but smile to think about him.

I quit drinking. I quit smoking.
Go me.
Adam is quitting smoking, too. With the help of Cavacava.
Josh wants to quit, but can't lose what little sleep he gets.

I've actaully dated a lot of guys this year!
I hooked up with my friend Jesse.
He was such a sweet boyfriend.
But he's a more amazing friend.
So we decided to stay that way.
It's more fun.

Will and I didn't really work out.
There was no chemistry.

Then there was a couple of other guys, but again, no chemistry. And they weren't friends to begin with, so I don't actually talk to them anymore.

Joshua is about perfect, though.

I've been sick all week. And he's taken such good care if me.
Jake saw us sleeping together, and said it was hot!
LOL That he'd never seen two people fit so well together on that lil' old couch.

He made my headache go away, too... by massaging it. =3

He's such a fun kisser.


[So mostly this blog has been about him and/or anything in my life recently that has made me happy. I'm trying to enter down things that make me happy because the sudden reappearence of one of my former demons has reverted me back to the way I was always so melancholy all the time.]

He promised me a 'perfect' first time if we ever got around to it.
Cause my last time really sucked.
It wasn't how I thought it would be at ALL.
And I never once felt 'anything' over it.
It was pretty sleezy and cheesy.
To bad I was too nice to tell that one guy.

Aw hell. I'm not that one guy's type anyways.
He likes older, thicker girls with kids already.
To each his own.

Josh says he likes me for my personality, my brains, and the fact we make eachother laugh and we trust eachother. He thinks I'm beautiful, and I think he's handsome.... but we don't really think that of ourselves.

I love the way he holds me.


I've done it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've made myself happy enough to go to sleep!
Gosh. What a day.
I'll have to tell Josh about it on Monday, when I see him.


Thanks for the permitance to rant.


960626  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-07-24
Written: (4165 days ago)

Fluid, brah. Fluid.

Things.... are freakin' sweet.
I'm guna take my driving test tomara...
And I got to see Summer Scott today at school. She was in a car wreck, and was limping. lol
But She's okay.... and She took her GED today.

Okay... last week of school!
Right now, I'm just kinda typing up my research paper and chunks.

I've got social distortion on my MP3, and I'm getting ready to go work at the AWS.
They need some help.... so I thought I'd volenteer.


Peace. Love. Chunks.

My recent house update has nothing to do with you guys reading this.
[Friends only.] ^__^

I'm like Jesse.... I get new peircings when I feel really bad. The nose one HURT!!!!!!!!! OMGAWD. I started like-- crying. lol It didn't hurt at first.... but it did later!

960275  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-07-23
Written: (4166 days ago)

I don't feel like a complete idiot... Har.
Jamie Grimes, my friend and classmate from my English COMP class went though the same thing I am with her ex-boyfriend. Bizzare! lol

So I got some tips. Yayness.

And Matt's being really cool too. I don't get to call him [all the time] or nothing. And I wouldn't want to with him having a girlfriend and all....
But he's being cool.
Not mean and sadistic.

Sometimes I have these lasps, and I get to really missing Tai.
But I can get over it.
I have to.
I have to get over him and move on to stay in school.
I'll be 17 before long, so I can just keep it chill.
I'm just done with boys and all.
They get me in nothing but trouble!!!!!

Fluid, brah. Fluid.

Irie... I'm out. Got orientation for my job.

960227  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-07-23
Written: (4166 days ago)

Friday was awesome. Went out after midnite to get the new HP book. Saw Stephen at McDonald's with some people. He didn't notice me. I didn't talk to him. Whew!!

Saturday I thought of Tai.... weird right?
Just found out I am indeed not pregnet. Started scaring me there for a little bit, it'd been two months since my last period.
My mom was freaking out, I was freaking out.... and my dad well--- hasn't been happy about the whole thing since the beggining.
But everyone's cool now and we can start to go back to normal!
I guess deep down I knew I wasn't.... cause Tai was really careful.... And I belive him saying he was a virgin... so when I have to get my blood checked, I belive that'll come back negitive too for STDs or whatever.
I think my parents are overreacting... but it's okay. They're starting to cool off a lot.
Basicly, my punishment is no boys for the rest of my 16th year.
They're confident I won't make that mistake again! ^_^v
They don't think I'm a slut or nothing.

Sunday was crazy! lol
I took the trucks off my old skateboard and put them on my scooter!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!
It's like... woah.
Then, I took the other two wheels off the other trucks, put them on a longer bolt on the back wheel, and now I have a 5-wheeled schooter! It's friggin' schweet.

I've thought about Tai a lot this weekend. I found that lil' box of stuff that I have of all the stuff he's given meh.

It sucks he hates me.

I don't know if Mr. Moore was just trying to be nice or what... saying that Tai wanted to see me too?? 0_o


Okay, by the by--- Like I've told Jesse, I just can't get drunk again.
I found out I'm an angry drunk.
I'm a fantasic high, but an angry drunk.
Both of which I haven't done in months....
Cause the last time I got high, was when I was with Stephen....
And the last time I got drunk was the day I got caught.

Well.... last week of school!
Hopefully I can finish with these essays so I can go this fall!

Going to the S.S.S. to pick up a job form today!

Peace. Chunks.

959441  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-07-20
Written: (4169 days ago)


Must. Find. That. Job. Form!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMGosh. Need it! Need it! Need it!!!!!!!!!!



sip_this_rawr_514: no kidding???
redheadedterror: lol
sip_this_rawr_514: so have u got 1 in the oven?
redheadedterror: Huh?
redheadedterror: What are you talking about?
sip_this_rawr_514: u know have u packed a basterd boomer?
redheadedterror: WTF!?
sip_this_rawr_514: lol
redheadedterror: What are you going on about?
sip_this_rawr_514: R U pregnet or something?
redheadedterror: Oh!!!!
redheadedterror: lol
sip_this_rawr_514: u don't hav to tell me jw
redheadedterror: Haha... i just thought you were possesed.
sip_this_rawr_514: that's what im wondering.
redheadedterror: You are possesd matty.

959149  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-07-19
Written: (4170 days ago)

KKs.... LOL Here's some cool neat stuff that 1) I found and 2) Matt wrote! ^___^
1) I wrote this up From: The Quiet Things that No One Knows.
Whatever poison's in this bottle will leave me broken sore and stiff.
But it's the genie at the bottom who I'm sucking at. He owes me one last wish.
So here's a present to let you know I still exist.
I hope the next girl that you kiss has something terribly contagious on her lips.

But I got a plan (I got a plan)
Drink (drift) for forty days and forty nights.
A sip for every second-hand tick.
And for every time you fed me the line, "you mean so much to me...".
I'm without you.

So tell all the English girls you meet, about the American girl back in the states.
The American girl you used to date.
Who would do anything you say.

And even if his plane crashes tonight he'll find some way to disappoint me,
by not burning in the wreckage, or drowning at the bottom of the sea.
"Boy, I still taste you, thus reserve my right to hate you."
And all this empty space that you create does nothing for my flawless sense of style.

It's 8:45. The weather is getting better by the hour.
I hope it rains there all the time.
And if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied.
I'm without you.

No more songs about you
After this one, I am done
You are, you are, you're gone

And from Matt.... we were chatting online yesterday, and he's been well since the motocycle wreck a while back. ^__^

Haven't seen him in FA.....EVA!
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can not believe
I got so attached 2 you
You were like barbered wire
Wrapped around my heart
With ever breath i took
You Ripped me apart
Each little beat Is another small cut
I dont know what it takes
To sew it all shut
Losing my trust
Watching my broken memories
Fading to dust."

He says that's his 'juggalo pledge...'
The trust/dust thing was my idea! WOOOT!

Kinda cool.

So I saw Mike yesterday. GRRR! He's guna be driving before meh! I swear!!!!!
Hate it.
But it's cool. It's cool.

Life is FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not nearly as miserable as I was yesterday.

So I applied for a $7/hr job, and HEEEEEELLLLLLLLZ yeah.
It's awesome.
Just a couple hours a day.
Wicked siked.

Well, peace and chunks. Meeting Jess and Matty at the library.
Matt's blonde now. He's funny lookin!!!!!!!
He looks like a prep, sorta. LOL
Cept for the black bandana and the led zepplin tees-- you'd beive he was, too!!!!!!!!!!

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