Well there goes my happiness... again...
Maybe I wasn't made for relationships.
I guess there is a time in everybody's lives where they feel so low that they think they may as well die... most people find it easy to pull through though, other feel the same but ar too afraid to do it because of the consiquences and some go ahead and kill themselves. I think I fall into the second category... I'm too afraid, but I don't think any amount of help can help me. When I look at all my problems I think, 'well most people have lived a worse life than mine' but I struggle to get on and deal with things. I'm not sure how bad my life is, some people would think I'm fortunate, others would thing different. I'm so confused... I just want to die because I feel I have no purpose in life and I spend more time making myself miserable than enjoying myself. The only reason I'm still alive is because I care to much for how people would live without me... sometimes I think they wouldn't care, I know my mum wouldn't, she'd think I'd done it to spite her, but I won't know when I go how people will react so this keeps me living. My purpose for writing all this? I'm just trying to understand myself better, should I live on in misery or should I die selfishly for my own benefit? Well with Calum I can survive... but without him, I don't think I'd ever cope. I feel my will to live fading away more each day.
"Religious people... so gullible...
Religion = The end to all happiness."
That's a very judgemental and ignorant thing to say.
I used to actually be very considerate about my thoughts on religion until a bunch of mormons tried to recruite my family, preaching of God's goodness while we watch them purge themselves... they refuse to have any luxuries in life with the simple thought that this will enable them to get into heaven.... how the fuck would anybody know about heaven... who the fuck did they bring back from the dead to tell people that heaven exists... i mean you have to be slightly gulliable to believe that when there is no proof and no possible way of obtaining proof... people who take the bible 100% seriously are retards... ok in the story of creation, where the fuck do dinosaurs and evolution come in? Religion was invented by dumbassed fuckwits to give them a reason to live (being to go to heaven) and also because they didn't know what to believe, as they were uneducated. I do personally believe that Jesus, as a guy existed... I do believe he was born because mary either commited adultery or was raped... this would enforce her to come up with an excuse, so not to be stoned. Jesus himself grew up believing that... but seriously right, these people in the bible who had visions of God and angels must have surely been skitzos... think about it, if anybody told you they had a vision nowadays they would be put in asylum for definate. I do know I am being judgemental... but do you have any idea how fucking annoying it is to be told we're wrong-doers and we'll go to hell... that's kinda judgemental within itself... telling us that WE'RE the bad and wrong ones... for all we know, christianity could be the wrong religion... the hindu gods could be the real ones... so will you fucking people give us a break and consider this... religion and science do not go together, people are making themselves unhappy by commiting themselves to a faith which cannot be prooved correct.... if you belive all things that a person has told you about religion without actually QUESTIONING if it is true or not, there is a hint a guilliableness with it. If you lived in Scotland in 1000BC theres no doubt you'd be a pagan, and you would believe in the Gods because you have been told about them... pretty guilliable... i am gad you critise me for what is on my page, i do see your point of view... not that you've written much, but I'd like you to understand my views... its strange how i get critised for being against god, but critising someone for believing in god is seen as wrong... the bible is an old book, who was there to write it all down for fucks sake, people really need to wise up and break free from religion... you only live life once so why live it in such a fairytale good way?
Why am I a psycho???
Since I lie about how I feel, never manage to say what I want to or blank my mind I've decided to write all my issues down because I find it easier to communicate by writing.
The main events in my life which were difficult for me were being in the forces, being sent away to Holland, and again being sent to boarding school.
I don't like being with the forces because it becomes very difficult to make friends... when I moved to Alnwick in year 10, everybody already had close friends so I found it difficult to settle in.
I didn't like being in Holland, I don't know why I was sent there and although my family believe I enjoyed it there, I was uncomfortable living with the family... the 'mum' figure didn't really pay any attention to me, whereas my 'father' figure was very possessive and treat me like his own daughter... I didn't like it at all because I barely knew him. The 2 'brothers' I liked, but I couldn't communicate them, and I couldn't communicate with other children so the only people who I could speak to were adults.
Boarding school was probably the worst part of my life. My friends there weren't real friends, we were only close because we had nobody to go to, like sisters. It was hard because my family sent me away again, and I honestly believed I wasn't wanted. There was no mother to talk to, the boarding house mistresses were strict, so the closest person to a mother was the school councellor because she was the only person other than my friends that I could turn to with a problem. There was no freedom at all... we could only go out for an hour after school and then we were shut in the house the rest of the night. It was like a prison. I had no chance to rebel, for instance, if you were at home it would be normal to shout at your parents if you don't get your way (well, maybe for me), but at school you'd never dream of questioning the teachers. Since there was no family there to love me, I turned to guys for love and protection, but this gave the impression I was a 'slut' although I never was, I just couldn't find a guy who would have me for more than a day. This led to a few guys trying things on with me, but nothing serious. There was one guy though, who I will not name, who... abused me I guess, many times. He used to do horrible things to me, or make me do things and I was so afraid of him. I couldn't defend myself and no matter how much I cried and screamed he wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes he's get daring... he'd do something like put his hand up my skirt when there were other guys around, and they’d just laugh and urged him on. They didn't care how much I cried. I seriously believe he would have raped me. One time he did have the chance, but thankfully somebody heard me scream before anything happened. This has made me so pathetic, I find it hard to trust anybody now, especially guys and it still upsets me to think about it.
I don't have any specific memories of my childhood... I do remember my dad being aggressive, but my mum tells me he wasn't too bad so I don't know. I don't have any happy memories, the things I do remember are nightmares, being alone and being teased at school but that's about it. I never had many friends when I was younger, mainly because I liked to have one or two best friends.
I've had many coping methods or strange addictions... I can't remember doing any of these until boarding school though, that's when it started:
- I cut my arms... and I still do, as a punishment.
- I cut my hair... I just didn't like the way I looked, and I knew I was making myself look worse, but it became an addiction, because I was so desperate to make me look better, but it just got worse and worse.
- I pulled out my hair... from stress or just out of bordom.
- Throwing things around... relieves stress.
- Starved myself... partly to make me thinner, mainly as a punishment.
- I started smoking... because I wanted to rebel, soon enough it became a regular habit and I found it hard to feel calm without smoking. Nowadays I rarely smoke, but if there's some available I'll smoke them.
- I drank a lot of alcohol... no reason really, it was just because it was there and made me less shy.
There’s a lot of recent things to add to my problems too. Since moving, I've found it harder to make friends than ever. The people at this school are cruel and unfriendly. People here like to tell me how ugly I am or they like to throw things at me or throw my things around. They're mainly 'charvs', the primitive species of the high school, but I don't see any point in fighting back because I know they won't listen. They either hate me or they avoid me. People give me weird looks and ask me why I'm so strange. This confuses me, because I'm just trying to express myself, not scare people. One thing that upsets me a lot is when Calum's upset. I find it easy to deal with any other person's problems, but his are so upsetting... or they're my fault and then I feel guilty.
There are things I have been told by my mum, which may contribute to why I feel like an outcast:
- Firstly, she told me that after she had me, she found it hard to bond with me, she had post-natal depression. I guess when that was cured she had my sister and I wasn't exciting anymore now that a new baby was there.
- Secondly, my dad never had time for me... so we're not so close.
I have a lot of things in my mind, which I don't think are normal, but then again, how do you define normal? I do realize though that some are considered strange. Ok here's the long list:
- I really dislike who I am. I see no purpose to my live at all and if it wasn't for Calum I'd probably be dead. I don't know what I'd do without him. He reassures me that I'm not ugly or fat etc... without him I'd be much worse.
- I have a lot of communication difficulties. I find it hard to understand questions and it is extremely difficult for me to process a lot of information... I like to analyse it all, I just have a lot of difficulty with words if there are no pictures. I guess I'm retarded or something.
- I often pretend that I'm happy, to try and convince myself... sometimes it works but only for short periods of time.
- I'm very paranoid... I believe people plot against me or I worry that Calum won't stay faithful etc...
- I have no idea what makes me happy, other than affection.
- I have no control over myself... particularly when I'm unhappy and end up do 'stupid' things.
- I find it hard to socialize because I have a fear of rejection by people.
- I'm constantly arguing with myself (maybe this is normal).
- I often act like a child... this is because I feel safe, I really don't want to grow up, everything in the big, wide world is too confusing. I guess I also act like a child because I want to relive my childhood... mine wasn't very good from what I remember, but I remember very little. I feel happy being little, but reality hits me and I become depressed again. People are often asking why I am obsessed with boohbah (I own so much boohbah stuff) and the only programs I watch on TV are cartoons. I just like to, its easy to understand and it makes me feel happier. I must be at least a little weird because of this.
- I always feel lonely.
- I'm afraid that if people continue being mean to me, I'll just loose control and kill them.
- I'm way too sensitive.
- I'm 16, and I'm still afraid that a monster will come to get me at bedtime, I hate being downstairs alone at night.
- I'm afraid of hurting others when I get upset, which upsets me more because I feel guilty.
- I have no interests at all really.
- I'm constantly seeking love and approval... something I don't remember having when I was little.
- I'm easily influenced by films... I'll watch a film about a murdering psycho and I'll want to be just like them for days, and I start to think funny thoughts or get really depressed.
- I always want more from life, but I have no idea what i want.
- I have an obsession with corpses and death. This scares some people... I have pictures of zombies and corpses all around my room.
- I get really angry and sometimes aggressive when people don't think like me. I don't understand why people don't see my point of view. I do listen to theirs, and I do understand, but I'll reject it as an excuse to not think like me.
I do some horrible things to Calum... mainly because I know I can get away with it, but it really hurts me inside and I feel so bad for hurting him. I am really violent to him. I bite him a lot, sometimes I might kick or slap him. You could say I beat him up (but he might chose to use other words). I cause arguments with him a lot, and always want my way without considering what he might want. Sometimes I just do it as an excuse to blow when I'm stressed, and then I feel twice as guilty and upset. When he does try to do what I want I throw it all in his face. I have tantrums all the time but he still puts up with me.
I ignore my friends a lot too because I always think they won't wont to speak to me. I don't think they like me.
So... what do I want:
- To be stable
- To learn how to cope
- To be happy
- To be considered as normal
- To be able to defend myself
- To stop hurting Calum
- To be positive
- To have self-control
- To find a reason to live incase the worst happens with me and Calum
- To feel wanted by people (like to have friends)
- To be able to help Calum
Hmmmmm, i think I need more help than I ever thought I did... like everybody else I thought I was getting better, but I have had some crazy fucking thoughts the past few weeks...
I will start writing in here... soon
I keep forgeting what I want the mental man to help me with so while I'm thinging about it I'm making a list:
-To help me cope with my problems without harming myself
-To stop thinking about suicide
-To stop thinking about murder
-To learn how to talk to people
-I want to grow up and be less dependent
-To get on with my life without thinking about things in the past
-To learn to at least like myself... this is really failing right now
-To feel accepted within society
-I want to be able to trust people
-To stop being all psychopatic...
ummm can't think of no more right now....
I'm so fed up with my life, I'm always so bored and there seems to be no reason for living. I want some excitement and I want it now before I bore myself to suicide...
Agh people don't take it personally! But if I don't know you, why the fuck would I give a shit about your daily activities, if I wanted to know I would read your diary without the message! It IS NOT to any specific person!
A not very good poem (or is it a poem?!)
She wasn't always the happiest of girls
but she enjoyed hanging with friends.
She loved Jazz
She's been Swinging all night long,
drinking alcohol to feed her numb heart.
What happened last night?
Her neck covered in red marks
Maybe another one night stand? Who knows?
She'd been so drunk that her body had taken control before she could think straight.
Her skin had turned dull and grey by morning.
She hadn't returned home.
I frantically searched through her belongings for any clues.
On her bed a note:
"Mum, I can no longer take this pain,
It causes such strain on my dying heart.
Between life and death I must decide
and I have chosen suicide.
I never wanted to hurt you, I'm sorry,
tell Dad I'm sorry too if he ever comes home.
I can't take this no more, the lonelyness. Did you ever love me?
It's too late now to show me you care,
you scared me away with the bruises you gave me
and I'll never forgive your husband, he raped me.
So goodbye, and when you die,
Keep away, go to hell.
Your Daughter (remember me?)"
I ran outside and there she was,
swinging in the wind,
hanging from a tree,
neck covered with burning, red-raw marks.
Sorry if i seem weird, its my mood swings!!!!!