[papillon.]'s diary

932102  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-04-20
Written: (5515 days ago)

Last night, Last night she behaved like everything I had spent the day deciding to hate. She wanted my pity and all I could give her was a melon with a face carved into it. A smiley face. She spoke about loneliness and depression and I was left wondering what the last 4 months were. Had I imagined a relationship with a complete stranger? Had I? She undressed and lay in a familiar position which I took as an invitation of sorts. Was this my mistake? Had I been taking things for granted? It's hard to decide who's fault all this is but one thing became clear that night. Neither of us knew each other. After our award winning performance I lit a cigarette and began to ask her questions. Personal questions. She likes chocolate and designer perfume and dreams about flying kites under the sea. Is this what I had bought into? I thought to myself. Last night I walked home alone.

931074  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-04-17
Written: (5518 days ago)

Talking giro day blues

The misty train enlightens, though the wallowing continues. Half a pound of etchings found beneath a pale of sinew, and carved from the frozen tears of her delight a unicorns horn balances on a tumble weed throne reciting her angst ridden poem. And nightingales are a distance to be thrown at with parking tickets and matchstick heads. friendly fire cost sally an arm and continues to bellow from the depths of chalk farm and the aunt camaraderie with pale stone eyes marches alongside the salted balconies of heaven's fortress claiming the sun as their son and the air as their heir. From below the lion's main a tic is well behaved and from the experience has much to gain. Extinguished from the side of a tired water well shadows are crazed and in this the angels fell. Upon hearing of her mistake, he makes a cameo appearance in a train taxi's rear view mirror but takes off his shoes to reveal his motives, at which point it becomes clear that you the reader has been mislead into a world proven to contain a silent injustice who's cause will freeze your past and unclench your future which has now been handed to the god's of uncertainty where it will remain for an uncertain period of time.

930700  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-04-16
Written: (5519 days ago)

In the heat she waits.

The sun dried alphabet spelling his soul in the language of elephants who's tusk's have been sold. The dreaded outcries of a failed last resort shaping the future of a billion winged ants. Or something of the sort. The flowers she asked for had been given to time for uncertain distance they traveled without a clue until love rained on something we say is true. The crawling owl who's wisdom has eluded him sells feathers to a tramp for a chance to be told. And all the while she waits asking when the time is "now".

924591  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-03-29
Written: (5537 days ago)

"As if these were lies" shes said. As if the whole world was wrong despite knowing what it is she think she knows. As if these words she muttered would change something, an unconceivable future tossed away at a whim. As if by some chance she had not used these words in that particular order but instead used some other words in an another order in an entirely new context. As if that would ever happen. No, she meant what she said. She just had no idea what she meant when she said it. Now the universe must pay, the once anticipated moment beyond the moment has vanished. All that was known is now unknown. Born into an incomprehensible existence where anything could happen and scarier still, probably will.

924574  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-03-29
Written: (5537 days ago)

Then suddenly, like most things, only this time different. A visualization of all that is wrong with himself amounts to a thundering wave of carnivorous fish leaping and bounding at an unimaginable pace sucking up the trail of blood left by the dying corpse of his whole belief system. And in that moment a new man was born.

"Well?" a familiar female voice squawks.

"Do you think about the future?" She says in a monotonous tone as though repeating herself.

As if fixing an imaginable discomfort, he straightens himself from the formerly slouched depressive he entered the room as and confesses "No, No I never think about the future"

The female responds quickly "Why not?"

This time the discomfort is real, he's managed to put himself in the most unbearable sitting position possible and won't admit it.

He says "Well I guess, more than anything, it's just filled with a distinct doom, you know?"

922063  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-03-21
Written: (5545 days ago)

Bubble gum Blues.

The grave digger's last words haunting the girl who's diamonds haven't been found yet. The talking box telling you how it is. The Christ of tomorrow still answering calls from yesterday. A thousand twisted tongues asking who made them this way. The land owner thinking about his daughter's future. The broken philosopher washing his soul, asking where the bleach is kept...

Rosemary has been dying to meet Christ and Jack in the box wont miss her calls, meanwhile Jerry Hattrick has lost his way, can't remember where he left his to do list for the day. Father salt has asked to see his son's face and a police officer who goes by the name of Jesus is also up in arms over a stolen suit case. Rosemary shoots Jack and claims his box, Jesus stops using an English accent. Jerry found his to do list 5 minutes too late and has confessed his sins to father salt who cares less than he did 5 minutes ago.

It's too late for some but for all those of you who are still reading this... Home is the other way.

916926  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-03-05
Written: (5561 days ago)

Lucky don't throw this 'way.
Lucky don't know   anyway.

Well I walked and I found something
Lost on the ground. I asked around
But you made no sound.

I kinda wish you had but dreams
Are fading and I need what I have.

I'll remind myself in time. Just let me
Have it this time.


913238  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-02-22
Written: (5572 days ago)

Work in progress.

The curtains are closed, dark outside I suppose. Across the room is a group of suits, sitting under a neon sign that says "Alibis." A local kid is telling the time to a blind man, who always suspects lies. In comes a man with an axe, asking if we heard something fall, tonights entertainment, two girls from Brazil, stop to tell him they expect a tip, he tells them it was in the forest up North and finds somewhere comfortable to sit. Over by the bar two unemployed clowns argue about the weather, one of them leaves but shortly returns asking for his umbrella, his friend with tears orders two more drinks and finishes them fast. The mayor shouts out that his daughter's for sale, but no one looks surprised not least he who suspects lies, grabs his cane and tells the mayor he knows, gets up and leaves, leaving a trail of gold as he goes. Seconds later the radio sounds loud, the kings voice repeating himself, asking...

"how do you concentrate on the future when your past is forgotten?"

I don't remember much after that, I might of had a heart attack...

905807  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-02-02
Written: (5592 days ago)

What it is to be loved by you.

Hanging around the district well, you've spent your last coin asking for my soul. Well I ain't nothing to give anymore. Stop your banging on my door, go 'way from this here fool. Find another and take his all.

905294  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-02-01
Written: (5593 days ago)

Hope (As it looked)

He got patch work laces and a speech for an eye. Trodden on direction and a love for the sky. He a sucker from Downfalls, he played by her rules and now time knows him so well.

Painted almost from the jobless ghost but given for free by the lemon tree host, shot dead and all that, taken back to a place so long ago when the girls wore curls and the boys were boys. You grew old without her, you let go to go down another road.

She's been playing aces for too long, doesn't know what's right and wrong. Reflection sick of the sight of her. She a sucker from Downfalls she used all the wrong tools and now time knows her so well.

Shot down from another world and left to count fools gold. Regret never tasted so strong now that her past is wrong and the children will never belong. Feeling ill, down trodden and forgotten, welcome to life's wheel. How does it feel?

903090  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-01-25
Written: (5600 days ago)

See-through Green.

Little Bell can't find her mantra, quit smoking and became a dancer, she got a meeting up on north street but her compass is upside down and she can't find her feet.

She looks in the mirror and reminds herself of the better days when the shoe shine boys would have something cute to say and the gentlemen would offer a drink and pay.

Tearing away the pages of a self help book she found at LA X, nothing but a waist of time, she's so complex.

Little Bell where are you now? Little Bell, Sweet Little Bell.

901181  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-01-21
Written: (5604 days ago)


Her garish subtlety will fall on you. She can only see behind your sincerity. Her awkward smile will leave a dent inside that only she can cure. Pretty spider lady, tangled in your silk. Another time, another place and these trials you will milk. Worthless king looking for rebellion. All's here is fair and all's there is queer. She listens gracefully to the silence whilst multitudes of violins and violence are somewhere yonder else. She is evil.

900989  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-01-21
Written: (5604 days ago)

Another day done gone.

She seen the sky, no one day.
She heard the cry, no word say.
She sell her soul, no one pay.

Rickety rack! The red lights crack, out of her shelter she crawls. She's a Burlesque Queen, cigarette fiend and no one's friend for free.

Crickety crack! He's on her back, "Train tracks matter in this town bitch" His fists have this to say. The day won't end untill the conductor's friend gives him his tools to play.

She seen the sky, no one day.
She heard the cry, no word say.
She sell her soul, no one pay.

898322  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-01-14
Written: (5611 days ago)


She's thinking of tomorrow, I can tell. She's waiting for the world to start, unaware that time knows her so well.

Her seconds are my hours, her life on display, a beauty far from dream, in my eyes she lay.

895022  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-01-05
Written: (5620 days ago)

2007 routine...

(do the whole wondering aimlessly onto the stage looking lost routine, turn and face audience)

Oh, hello?... I'm suposed to be here right?

fuck this mic is loud...

I dont like my voice, I especialy don't like it through a mic or in recordings, so I'm going to do this without a mic, I'm sorry if you people at the back can't hear me, I'll speak up...

(says a knock knock joke)

Ok Ok I'll use the mic but you have to promise not to laugh.

So this is my piece, I'm gonna be honest, I don't actually prepare for these things, infact I didn't know I was gonna be doing this untill about 3 hours ago, my acid dealer told me... 2 hours after I took 3 tabs...

So now I'm hear and I gotta tell you... I'm scared.

the thing with acid is I tend to talk about myself... More so than usual.

I'm not sure what it is, I'm actually a pretty insecure person.

(long pause)

I suppose that bodes well for you lot though doesn't it. that's why you came here isnt it?

Ok so...


(asks an audience member to come up on stage)

So how's life? good? good.

What do you do? (insert random joke here)

you want some acid? I got loads.

(puts hands in pocket)

Fuck, wait a minute... I had loads an hour ago...

Ohhhh shit.

I gotta go.


(leave earlier than expected if possible)

894853  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-01-04
Written: (5621 days ago)

Hope (As it sounded)

The piper's expertise has taken us all by surprise, pioneered through years of trial an error, his call now has us all. Heard through the distance behind the cries of youth his melody resembles the sound of truth and has swallowed our pride with thoughts of disbelief and regret.

But time has stopped now and his song has been sung, perfection has been dictated and the children's fight has begune. Set among the ashes of our past is a path of light where at the end is a place we all know, beyond the revelations of our short comings, a familiarty still breeds with the colour of happiness.

894821  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-01-04
Written: (5621 days ago)

So I got myself thinking...

I was reading a study that talks about brain activity in relation to shared beliefs. It describes a very clear relationshp between the part of the brain used during unified experiences such as religion or even something as simple as supporting a football team and the part of the brain activated in other mammals such as cows and rats during the hearding process. It seems very obvious from these studies that the same part of the brain is activated in all mammals including human beings whilst being affiliated with a large group.

To me it seems more obvious that the sensation of 'god' or the feeling of empowerment during a football game of which the team you support is playing, is infact the same thing and so I got myself thinking about what it is exactly that triggers this, it just so happens that I have been studying linguistics for the past year and so naturally I went about trying to link the two subjects and come to my own conclusion.

I decided to start with the origin of language as a means of basing my theory.

I suggest that language was in fact created as a means of affiliation so as to recruit others. It seems obvious to me that the trigger of this 'hearding' sensation mentioned earlier is infact based on the words we use, all christians for example are united under the word 'jesus' a name given to the person who is depicted as a 'saviour' and one of which all christians can instantly relate to. The same can be said of a football teams name such as 'chelsea' football being the religion and 'chelsea' being the 'saviour'.

bla bla bla...

890058  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-12-22
Written: (5634 days ago)

Alex's Christmas speech

As the sheltered ones prepare for the angel's trumpet, ears twitch and eyes scatter, the broken skies are monitered, the torn past of our fathers are forgotten and our mother's naive song whistled through the cold winds of the night and upon the children of tomorrow.

A message is recalled through all our beating hearts that we are united under the curse of our frailty and the sins of our fathers to which it is remembered that all sin must be forgiven and we must share to exact measurment the delights of those that have been chosen as our fellow man throughout this life.

Merry Christmas to you all.

879606  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-11-27
Written: (5659 days ago)

Days slip away like this.

She's moving fast and her eyes look insane, muttering something about life's bane. People see her everywhere, don't know how to approach her, "you need a life coach to a another planet", coffee's starting to taste bitter, same as when our opinions differ, out of your mouth and into the drain, "harc the herald angels sing", sweetness translates too late and she propogates prophecies we'll never see aslong as we believe we see as clearly as we define our sanity. Preacher's test the ears of time, bitterness will only kill the proprietor's mind. Choose your rules and run, make haste to the beaten path, kiss goodbye to the washed up raft, forget your troubles and have the last laugh.

870463  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-11-03
Written: (5683 days ago)

Hope (As it is)

No pages left to cry for help, forgot my master, left him behind. Last cigarette signals a change in faith, He's preaching about a satisfied mind now and somehow I can't find my way back now, footsteps lead round in circles, time wont stands still and I wonder what it is I feel...

Busy minds, mechanical thoughts, ones and naughts, beeping pockets and musical lockets, aspiration toolkits, lists of lists I should have lists for and another one for what list to adore, payed for cool with magnetic strips and electronic lips, Super low calorie 100% poly unsaturated fat free organic mastermind soup made by masterminds for "masterminds", choosing between ID cards and the year 1984 whilst considering the law about possesion of four or more of these pills I adore, shopping no longer a chore just click on your star sign and the next 50 years shopping is predicted for you by a woman who's hair is blue and uses very few sentences without the word "new", land title deeds for the moon being sold on Ebay, life time garantee and a "free cosmic key for you and your family".

870236  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-02
Written: (5684 days ago)

Two worlds collide.

We stop to decide who's weak, where to look and what words to speak. I say we're all stranded here but you don't hear, deafened by fear and a secret desire to leave, steer clear and save your secrecy from becoming clear to me because concerned as you are that this will end in tragedy I think you've failed to see that I'm over that part of me and just want to hear someone else speak about the reality, confirm my sanity so i can decide which way to leave.

 The logged in version 

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