It would appear that despite my day being ruined this evening turned into awesomeness. For the first time in almost a month I got sleep. Though it was only for 30 or so minutes. Still it was fabulous. My heart would apparently be trying to take root. Not that having roots is a bad thing perhaps it is time I let lest I be wayward for longer than my sake of sanity.
I like that people try to keep me down and they still don't get it. My fury keeps me going and in turn it rewards me with success. Or at least completion of task. That isn't winning, it's being manipulated by people with no respect for me or my well being. I guess that's what I get for thinking the best of folks. Maybe I'll win or something sometime soon.
Fuck your firing squad! Fuck your army of dickbags! Fuck your ego! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
Last night I witnessed something that aggravated me to no end. I will not go into to detail but it just goes to show that people do not give a shit about me or my dispositions. People claim a lot but until it comes down to brass tacks they have not proven themselves. I know that if it takes all of my being to control myself on a level where there's multiple situations at stake that others do not have the same standard. No one on this side gives a shit about what I want or what I care about. I just hate that feeling though that ultimately nothing I do or say will mean anything since people want to act like something they are not.
fuck a bunch of me, I guess I'm not to relevant to people here who I've known for ages. This shit is aggravating. They're lucky I don't get violent. About to be revolutionary. God-damnit I am so tired right now, I wish I could just catch a break and stay out of oblivion for everything else.
I guess that I just ain't good enough for anything these days. Got traitors growing amongst the ranks of friends. And established enemies coming through the works to claim their part of my peace.
All the while trying to hang on to my sanity.
I've done nothing these passed three days but stay home. I am going crazy, I cannot wait to work tomorrow. I am so fucking tired right now. I wish I could sleep. It would appear my nightmares got the better of me right now. Damnit, looks like I'll need to take benedryl again. I wish spectres from my past wouldn't show back up unless they meant to apologize for the shit they put me through,then again let's think of all the shit I've put others through. I am not perfect but damnit, I try more than those that expect the world from me. I am not bullet proof though think that I am...
I always have more to lose when my heart is at stake.
double goddamnit. I want to destroy. More importantly, I am sick of being called a villain whenever I want something. Whenever I need something. Whenever I want to rise past failure... past others shortcomings. It is not my fault you like to think you have an excuse for everything... it is your fault for not being a truer honest person. Admit it, you're just goddamn lazy and ignorant. Your delusions of eloquence and grandeur a place holder for the lack of confidence and intellect. Truer folk don't damn others to silence, truer folk don't abandon their kin and those who merit the same endearment. If ye were truer folk then show me that you've learned something. Show me that I am wrong by proving me right. I don't want to have shake your hand while arming the other. I don't need to be indignant when you're under the assumption that I'm unaware. There's a difference between greed and survival. Greed is taking from the pot while you're already flourishing - while you already got what you need. Survival is surviving in the face of adversity. Know the difference and be prepared to know the score if you continue to think that you can't be touched or that there won't be karmic retribution and petty revenge. It's only as simple as we say it is, and for the most part it will be messy.
happiest sounding robopocalypse ever!
just got my feelings spiked like a football. Man alive, I hurt. I just wanted to be honest and not be persecuted for it.
Today was a fucking scrub day and I stayedup all mother fucking night last night cleaning just to be fucking let down. I feel absolutely used right now.
There is always failure. In order to have success you must fail. Without either there is nothing. One must always acknowledge there is hard work involved with any sort of 'adventure' though stagnation brings an urging for freedom and will ...to act accordingly.
Achievement is the visible result of marked success. Remember, if one truly wants to succeed then they must realize that reservation and deliberation are the key part to planning even if by the seam of your pants.
The impossible is what ultimately drives us.
I feel like a fuck up! Like I had a chance to play everything smoothly and my bluff was called. Doh fucking doh! i need to get a rein in on my emotions. I need to control myself or I will be even more lonely than I was.
The guy that finally wins out with bar charm and faux confidence will be your downfall. Know that, I am still the better choice. Not overconfident just perceptive of some kind of bigger picture. Wish I could make heads or tails, making me confused, one thing leading to another. Wanting to stand tall, not caring if we live on borrowed time soon expiring. I much rather be there at the beginning, even if we're bleached skeletons smiling at a grand predetermined cataclysm. And if it should be a farce, then so be it, better to be the fool with their falsehood than to be the one who called it right on mass extinction. I'd say let love in but the utilization of it is slavery, so I say embrace the concept and flow freely like a wisp amongst of the aether. I say, let us be something greater but for what I aspire to is something some call hopeless. Though nary I say that for honestly it's the thrill of getting there that has me giddy. Making it work after the fact, and in action ever practiced will determine to see, how many autumns we get through. Though the world dies a little every season tilling, planting and rebirthing every spring to come another chance at a grace filled bounty.
I'm confused since it appears that no one understand me. I understand them but it's like whatever because it would appear they don't care, my heart is so full of hurt over the way the past year has panned out for me. It's been nothing but loneliness and pain and I want things to go well for everyone and myself and it never does I try so hard to keep it together but no one else picks up the slack. So I'm getting pulled off ship inch by inch and for what? People that don't appreciate or love me. The only I have going for me is that I'm always outnumbered but never outgunned.
The difference between man and gods is weakness. Our vulnerabilitie
I am fucking exhausted. I wish my friend of forever friendship would actually contact me back when I try to contact them. It would be awesome and make me feel less shitty.
today is the day. My failaversary. The ending of an era to herald in another. Not saying that things are shit but I am also not saying they're perfect. I am saying things changed. Choices were made, bad ones, selfish ones made outside of logic or rational reason. You don't get to be a god, you don't get to be right this time. You get to sit this one out in the personal hell you've trapped yourself in because it is not my fault you went there. You only went because the choice was yours and you thought it was genuinely a better one. Or so manipulation would lead you to believe. There is no justification that makes what you did right. You sinned that day and there is no confessional both or church service that is going to remove that taint you wrought upon yourself that day. The people you let act without direction or control had their try and their little bit of fun but at the end of this I know I was right. I know that despite all the harmful intentions you had planned or that affiliated parties had planned that I persevered. Note that trash will always be trash and there is no amount of lysol, perfume or pinesol that will clean up the shit of deceit and hatred they harbor for those who've weathered hell and it's infernos to come out living. Via Con Dios Muchacha! May you one day earn the redemption through hard work and tears though at present you don't deserve it.
The most bloodiest battles I've fought, I've fought alone.