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2007-04-10 18:05:54
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This is a recorded announcement



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RECORDED MESSAGE: Greetings to you.
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ZAPHOD: What?
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TRILLIAN: Who’s that voice?
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ZAPHOD: Computer?
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EDDIE: Hi there!
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ZAPHOD: What is it?
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EDDIE: Oh just some five-million-year-old tape-recording that’s been broadcast at us
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RECORDED MESSAGE: This is a recorded announcement as I’m afraid we’re all out at the moment. The commercial council of Magrathea …
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ZAPHOD: A voice from the ancient Magra--
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RECORDED MESSAGE: …thanks you for your esteemed...
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FORD: Okay, okay
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RECORDED MESSAGE: …visit, but regrets that the entire planet is closed for business. Thank you. If you would like to leave your name, and a planet where you can be contacted, kindly speak when you hear the tone [--a Beep--]
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TRILLIAN: They want to get rid of us. What do we do?
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ZAPHOD: It’s just a recording, keep going, got that computer?
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EDDIE: I got it!
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RECORDED MESSAGE: We would like to assure you that as soon as our business is resumed, announcements will be made in all fashionable magazines and colour supplements when our clients will once again be able to select from all that’s best in contemporary geography. Meanwhile we thank our clients for their kind interest and would ask them to leave. Now.
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ARTHUR: Well I suppose we better be going haven’t we.
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ZAPHOD: Shh! There’s absolutely nothing to be worried about
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ARTHUR: Then why is everyone so tense?
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ZAPHOD: They’re just interested, we keep going.
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RECORDED MESSAGE: It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated. And so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients… And the fully armed nuclear warheads are, of course, merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives. Thank you.
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ARTHUR: Listen, if that’s there sales pitch what must it be like in the complaints department?
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ZAPHOD: Hey this is terrific. It means we really must be on to something if they’re trying to kill us.
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ARTHUR: Terrific?
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TRILLIAN: You mean there is someone down there after all?
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ZAPHOD: No the whole defence system must be automatic but the question is: why?
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ARTHUR: But what are we going to do?
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ZAPHOD: Just, keep cool.
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ARTHUR: Is that all?
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ZAPHOD: No, we’re also going to take evasive action. Computer what evasive action can we take?
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EDDIE: Uh none I’m afraid guys
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ZAPHOD: …or something?
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EDDIE: There seems to be something jamming my guidance systems. Impact minus thirty seconds
[--An alarm sounds--]
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EDDIE: Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Please call me Eddie if it will help you relax
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ZAPHOD: Right. Um look we’ve got to get manual control of this ship
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TRILLIAN: Can you fly her?
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ZAPHOD: No. Can you?
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TRILLIAN: No.
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ZAPHOD: Ford?
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FORD: No.
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ZAPHOD: Fine we’ll do it together.
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ARTHUR: I can’t either.
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ZAPHOD: I guessed that.

Excerpt from
The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Glaxy Radio Series, the Primary Phase, Fit 3,
by Douglas Noel Adams

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