Page name: The Unofficial Elftown News [Logged in view] [RSS]
2015-06-17 00:22:30
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The Unofficial Elftown News


   Welcome to my daily news segment, inspired by the delightful Elftown Herald. This is the official unofficial news of Elftown. Any other unofficial news wikis are just ripping me off. Most news here is almost, relatively, to a certain degree, true... most of the time. This wiki is brought to you by, Sovereign Art Inc., Crushing your feeble dreams since 2005. Enjoy!

(Address all complaints to the Coca-Cola Company)

Feel free to add stuff and make your own news or something. I don't really care.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006:
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Today, a new wiki was started, The Unofficial Elftown News. You should really check it out! On the blank wiki, [foxhunter] continued to harass. He's no doubt banned now, by the looks of it. Business on the wiki nominations is as slow as usual. Still nothing interesting on the insult arena, either. It seems to be a slow day for wikis.

Dow rose 1.76 percent today. I now go in search of writers for this wiki... I mean... I don't even change the daily special on Bob's Diner but once a year... I don't think I'd be able to make daily news. I also need artists... and an artist to make a badge to give to the artists.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006:
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The members of Anthro lovers continue to be morons. Bob's Dinerians ponder the meaning of "dinglehopper". Best of all, a section of Maze of Guile was completed late last night!

My keyboard seems to be stuck on overtype again and I can't get it off. Not to mention, this is barely news. Several people agreed to draw and write for me yesterday! ...however, they asked very little questions and are not watching the wiki. One would only assume they lied to me. [Mortified Penguin] recently got his password back. He has also began reading Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody. Dow rose 0.09 percent today. And lastly, [Shreya] has viewed my house. What about? I don't know... Contribute, darn you all!

Thursday, April 20, 2006:
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Today... nothing happened. Turkey predicts: Nothing will happen tomorrow.

[iippo] tells me to refer to the blank wiki as "the non". I would, but I don't like her tone of text. Maybe if someone would say "please"... *coughhintcough*... This wiki is starting to sound more like a friggin' blog instead of a news page. I need workers! WORKERS! ...and sleezy fangirls... Dow rose 0.57 percent today.

Friday, April 21, 2006:
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Iippo still has yet to say "please"... [Hedda] just told me to change my username, before he changed it for me! I see nothing wrong with "Reminder message"... He's just jealous! I also had to restart my computer today... which has nothing to do with anyone other than me... Dow continues to rise today. 0.04 percent!

Saturday, April 22, 2006:
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Saucy puppet shows are all the rage...


RANTS: Why do people complain about other people ditching their friends in favor of their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then do the same thing when they get a new boyfriend/girlfriend?! Hypocrits! Why do people on ET keep complaining about the use of American English?! It's not like those Americans are going to magically learn the proper use of "u'' and such just because you're whining about it! Why do I have to beg my mom to let me have $20(USD) for a couple of books when I have $700 in my bank account (of my very own money)?! Some kids don't even read! </end of rant by Allie>

Sunday, April 23, 2006:
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I'm watching guards now.

Saucy puppet shows are (still) all the rage...

Grandma got run over by a reindeer!

Mo' frickers! This wiki is dying! I blame [Mortified Penguin]! *screams inaudibly and storms away*

Monday, April 24, 2006:
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I quoted one of my many "decrees" on Bob's Diner. I also "donated to" Design the Guard Uniform...

...general?! new name is General Jelly Jiggler!

See Week 1's News


Tuesday, April 25, 2006:
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On the guards wiki, a long time member and donor suddenly went crazy and demanded to be banned! I asked for his house, but he rudely said no...

I found out you can use sup and sub today... I also changed my name!'s been a while since I last changed my name... But I plan to keep this one. I also conversed briefly with a local moron by the name of [i love dick05]. I mentioned that she called her hated ex-boyfriend a "dick", but in her name it says she loves "dicks"... In better news, I achieved a new record in computer class today. A score of 118 gwam. Yeah. That's right. 118. Yesterday, my high score was 88... You should all visit my dear friend, [dark starlight]... Our class watched High School Musical today! ...and yesterday... and Friday... That movie inspired me... to kill myself. Lastly, Dow is down about fifty somthin'...

I looked at some retired guards... sad lot...

Why do I have to do the rants?! I hate ranting. It's so emo. I also hate having to do three (three!) essays in the same day. And I hate the dow! And know-it-all techies...if I want to leave my laptop on for four days in a row, I will! I hate fuses! ...and ET bugs! I hate when someone stops talking to you on messenger without saying something about leaving! I hate small talk! I hate when people mock and/or insult me when I can't mock and/or insult them back. I hate stupid questions! I hate the ticking noise my cell phone is making...I hate vagueness! I hate having to be nice to people I dislike. I hate math. I hate people who are good at high maths. I hate how people don't read (or rarely, hear) what I said and then react dumbly compared to what I actually said. And last but not least, I hate hypocrits! (But not myself.)

Wednesday, April 26, 2006:
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Tourists are always asking me for directions...dumb lost people need to buy a map if they're going to come here.

Thursday, April 27, 2006:
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Fakes of Elftown


...yo mama!

The day changed! And someone is neglecting his own wiki! ...thank the Gods he has no kids...or does he?! No one's on MSN...and no one's here (as I write this *shifty eyes)! I just attempted to cook ramen on the stove...I put the noodles in a pot and put the pot on heat...I came back 15 minutes later when I remembered about it and it had turned to liquid...and some other stupid techie told me earlier that I should uninstall LimeWire, Morpheus (photomanip program), GIMP and IrfanView!

Friday, April 28, 2006:
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We're all losers

Allie had to make the new day's wiki, news, "olds" and rants parts yet again! ...this time she decided to fill them in herself, as well...she has also decided that she doesn't want to be the featured member anymore!

I'm back, you little cracker... In the past two days I've been attacked by man eating robots, got banished by a pimp, got stoned (with rocks, you druggies!), crashed a hummer, David fell into some bushes, I broke a window, drunk poison, poke a charred lump of stuff, grafittied pictures, and sent a barage of siths to crush the rebel alliance... now I'm watching the Godfather. What have you done this week?!

[Kyrinn] found another stupid human being to complain about again... :P

IIf Dustin doesn't come back soon, I will stop helping with this wiki! sucks! ...and I can't find the song I'm looking for on LimeWire...which also sucks! ...and I have to vaccuum soon!

Tuesday, May 2, 2006:
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Me, [Mortified Penguin], and [spitfire_35121] presented our "movie" to the class today. The "Comedic Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet," as Mort said. Overall favorite scenes were: The killing of the narrator, The crashing of Romeo's Hummer, David ([spitfire_35121]) falling down a hill into some bushes, David and Jr.'s brother getting killed, The party scene, and the "Rest in peace, Hoe" scene (it was a garden hoe!)... Actors were:
[Mortified Penguin] - Pimp (the prince)/ Third Narrator
[Sagacious Turkey] (me) - Romeo/ First Narrator
[spitfire_35121] - Mercucio/ Guy falling off hill/ Second Narrator/ man-eating robot/ Bill Cosby
[Kakashi101] - Tybalt/ Priest/ Party guy/ random person that faught (twice)
[playa 101] - Other party guy/ random person that faught 
Charred lump - Juliet
Jr.'s Younger Brother, Mario - Apothcary
Jr.'s dog - Balthazar

This wiki has also now been made into a monthly/yearly thing! Good ol' lethargy...


David was ranting about getting pecked in the eye by a chicken...

Thursday, June 2, 2011:
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After five years, The Unofficial Elftown News was finally revived by [Mortified Penguin]. Who is he? Well, basically God incarnate, Mortified Penguin is not only the most handsome, intelligent, and sexually gratifying person in the entire universe, he is also the most humble and down-to-earth. He is the founder and current manager of the insanely popular and successful wiki, Bob's Diner. When he isn't mentally raping the lesser minded people of Elftown, he's falsifying descriptions of himself, perusing through past wiki comments to see who he should hate, and generally being awesome. Mort is, above all else, a kindhearted humanitarian who will beat the hell out of you with his 16-inch penis if you say otherwise.

That Turkey jerk is, like, dead or something, so I'm taking over. I put all the old, worthless news from 2006 in Really Old News. In other, more recent Elftown news, [kians mummy] is up to stuff. [Mystin] did some things and [Sideways] did some other things. Lots of polls are being made by people that don't matter. Contests are happening. Probably. More importantly though, everyone has a balloon in their mood. Why? Hell if I know, but I want one too.

Orange Juice and Apple Juice are currently tied in my poll and Bob's Diner and The Slave Trade are currently tied for most popular wiki on Elftown. Bob's Diner is currently the hottest wiki though, with 11 new fans in the last week, beating the wiki with the second most number of fans in the last week... 1.

Obama played some ping pong. Some guy died somewhere. I listened to some emo music. Romney decided to run for president.

See Really Old News. Saucy puppet shows went the way of the strapless suspenders. They will be missed. Members came and went. [Sagacious Turkey] was unbanned. [nokaredes] doesn't come around anymore. NOT EVEN TO CLEAN OUT HER LOCKER, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE HAS SOME YOGURT IN IT.

I took over a bunch of wikis, including Anthro Lovers.

I don't have a rant. You shouldn't expect me to be able to rant every single day! I'm only a man! Albeit, an extraordinarily good looking man, with massive muscles and a finely chiseled face that can bench press 700lbs. and beat up your dad. Wait, that sounds weird. It makes it sound like my face can bench 700 and beat your dad. I'm sure it could, but that's not what I was trying to say. At least, I don't think it was. I don't even remember.

Friday, June 3, 2011:
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Nothing happened today. That I know of, at least. There are still wiki changes and comments to check, but they look boring, so I'll do it later. Really? Someone edited Craft Exchange? CALOO, CALAY! Yeah, I don't care. [Mystin] made some new diaries I'll probably never get around to reading. Let's see... x-men rp has a change and a comment I need to check, but nobody cares about those jerks anyway. This wiki suddenly has nine new watchers, who, undoubtedly, are all jerkfaces. chess tournament has slowed down, because [All_Most PUNK] decided he would join and then leave after one game. Bob's Diner is beating the slave trade by one fan again. Suck it! Apple juice and orange juice still remain tied in my poll. And the annoying poll on mainstreet still hasn't changed.

I downloaded the Princess Bride and got a new copy of the Hobbit. I found a turtle on the side of the road, but he was a total dick, so I let him go. A cloud blocked the sun for like 20 seconds earlier today and then a smaller cloud blocked it for like 12 seconds. They were the only clouds around. Good job, clouds. A third cloud came later and thought about blocking the sun, but it got scared and floated away. Dow went down a bunch. I got raped in a game of hockey. I thought it would be smart to pull my goalie with a minute left in the game. It was not.

Beethoven, best known for his crazy antics and writing or something, still remains dead. An autopsy has yet to be completed, so foul play should still be considered a possibility.

Seriously, Justice League. What the hell? You kicked Batman out because he was keeping tabs on all you guys? Do you know how many times you people have been possessed, had your bodies taken over, been cloned, or turned evil? A bunch. And then you have the nerve to kick Batman out because he was trying to prepare for the worst? What, he's just supposed to just throw caution to the wind and trust you all, when you've let the world down so many times before? You know the guy is a skeptic. He likes to be prepared, so he's never taken off guard. You're honestly shocked that he would keep tabs on a bunch of non-human, super powerful aliens that hardly anyone knows anything about? Stuck up bitches. And what the hell, Superman, you douche. Bruce was your friend and you voted him out? Prick. You made him a sad Batman.

Sunday, June 5, 2011:
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Reading Challenge 2011 has prompted me to buy several books I'll never read. People continue not making news for this wiki, which will undoubtedly lead to its death about a week from now. Nothing has happened at Bob's Diner (probably [~Crimson Angel~]'s fault). [djxmonster] apparently thinks that the crew is doing just fine by themselves, despite that they obviously are not. He also decided to edit this wiki which, usually, would not have been a problem, but, as it turns out, I was editing the wiki at the time and had been for like thirty minutes. Now usually Elftown will be all like, "Yo, son! Somebody's editing right now, bro! Hold up a minute!" but apparently this time Elftown decided to be a dick. It was like, "He's editing, but go ahead and change stuff. Then we'll not tell him about it and he'll try to submit the changes and end up losing THIRTY MINUTES WORTH OF TYPING and it will be hilarious because I am a dick and I do dickish things and other dickery." Point being, I WILL KILL YOUR ALL.

Israel did some stuff or something. Alabama decided to start phasing out gas chambers for animals. I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow. I suppose I'll find out next time I do or do not receive a paycheck. I had some other stuff here, but I don't remember it, BECAUSE ELFTOWN IS A DICK.

Nothing old going on today. Maybe something old will happen tomorrow.


Monday June, 6th 2011
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Today Support our Council reached 10+ supporters and now three submissions into their Support our Council banner contest which ends at the end of the month. [Mystin]'s enough seems to be on a hiatus as the creator takes a break to allow tensions to cool down. Bob's diner continies to operate dispite repeated orders to shut down by the health department, and in a related story the health department is looking to hire more code enforcement officers. Also, the RPG Silver Wind High by owner [Iruvielle] is getting a restart and looking for players.

In other news by more handsome people, [Mortified Penguin]'s youngest brother, [Lazy lion], joined Elftown, making him the fourth member of the clan to poison Elftown's existence (after [Mortified Penguin] and the fat, ugly twins, [playa 101] and [Kakashi101]).

People are scrambling (eggs) to get voters to like them as the next presidential election looms in the distance. One candidate has even jumped the sexual-scandal gun and sent some girl a picture of his crotch over twitter. And Dish TV is telling the Joplin tornado victims that if they want to cancel their service (since their houses are now gone) they have to send in the box and remote or face $500+ in fees and fines. Way to go Dish TV. Today is also the first day that someone other then Mortified Penguin wrote an update on here.

8-Tracks, Trains, The Statue of Liberty, Aged Cheddar, My Grandparents, Yo-yos, and the Medieval period.

What the hell is up with all the stupid people in the world that act like they are the smart ones! IF YOU DONT HAVE A DAMN RECEIPT THEN YOU CAN'T BRING IT BACK! I DON'T CARE HOW OFTEN YOU COME HERE A DAY BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS NOW YOUR GONNA COME BACK TOMORROW!

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011
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First off, Elftown was down for 3-4 hours this afternoon resulting the the mass ritual suicide of many a bored person. Thankfully it was brought back up with, seemingly, no data loss *Faint cheering*. The wiki enough went from being on hiatus to not being at all and Pauly the Anthro-Dragon is still answering silly questions at Ask Pauly the Anthro-Dragon. There are still many contests going on like The Elftown Limerick Competition were participants create and submit their own litte (Non-dirty) limericks, so no stories about men from Nantuckit.

Arizona is still on fire and St. Louis, Missouri had a 4.something earthquake. The naughty president potential/State representative admitted to several more naughty things, but refuses to step down. Also, America's economy is still in the crapper and the president wants to borrow more money despite this. However, no one gives a damn about America anymore.

Everything that happened yesterday.


Friday, June 10, 2011:
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[Mystin] made support our guards, which he seems to believe isn't even remotely similar to support the guards. Maybe he's right? Maybe I don't care. [Imperator] briefly logged on. chess tournament is progressing slowly, because jerks won't hurry up with their games and other jerks won't stop not being logged in. [Mystin] talked about Elftown (or "Rudolphtown") on Youtube, but I lost interest when it became apparent that I didn't care. People continue to disrespect me, most likely because they're jealous of my awesome bald spot. There's a new poll on Mainstreet, but it sucks, I think. I don't remember what it was about.

Cameras hidden in showers aren't the best way to pick up chicks and barehanded isn't the best way to pick up fire. There really is no good way to pick up fire. But you can, however, fire up a pickup. That's assuming the transmission isn't shot and/or you aren't shot for stealing somebody's truck. I sprayed some kid in the face with a hose earlier. He had it coming though. Stocks went way up, but in a sharp downward direction. A storm started, but wimped out after a few minutes.

Seriously. What is this section even supposed to be about?!

People claim that death is necessary, because it makes you appreciate life. I don't think that's true. Only being alive allows you to appreciate life. Death allows you decomposition and your beneficiaries decompensation. How can you appreciate life, when you're so busy being dead and stuff? Besides, the elves don't need death to appreciate life. They just need magic, friendship, and LSD.

[Mortified Penguin].

Tuesday. It's really an underrated day.

Monday, June 13, 2011:
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Today, The Unofficial Elftown News was updated. At Bob's Diner, [Lord Josmar]'s family was destroyed in a violent explosion. [kians mummy] invited people to bored???, but people didn't take too kindly to it, because apparently, being invited to a wiki once every week or so is some kind of horrible inconvenience. got revamped, but not rewerewolfed, because they were tired of hair in the drain.

Some dude at work is dating a 14-year-old. It's gross. Only because she's fat though. And a hot chick made out with this fat dude! I was like, "What?" and they were like, "What?" and I was all like, "What?!" and they were like, "I know!" then they were totally like, "No way!" but I was like, "I know, right?" and then we had an orgy! I haven't watched TV today, so I'll have to guess at what's going on in the world. Uh, let's see... Obama vowed to block a bill proposed in the Senate today by the Republicans that suggested they block the blocking of bills that block bills about Bill's blocks. When questioned about this, Bill's blocks had nothing to say, so they were treated as hostile and shot. In France, the plants with ants dance in a trance likely caused by bad rhyming and poor timing. Those without ants remained calm.

I was reading some of my old comments and messages and stuff, right? Well, me from the past was an awesome kid! I am humbled by myself. Others, however, didn't take too kindly to awesome humor and quick wit, often responding with a slew of erotic sounding expletives. A typical conversation back in the day would go as such:

tigershark: Hey, guys! ^_^

somekindoffox: HI!!!

kawaiianthroperson: XD *chases tigershark around*

tigershark: *giggles and runs*

garfieldthecat: *chases tigershark up a tree*

tigershark: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

kawaiianthroperson: Seriously, you need to learn some fucking manners, you piece of shit. I'm reporting you.

somekindoffox: don't let him get to you, guys hes just an ass

guard: Alright, garfieldthecat, you're banned from this wiki for causing trouble. Don't comment again or you'll be banned from Elftown permanently.

tigershark: Thank you so muuuuuch! :D the guards are so awesome! *huggles*

I never intentionally started a fight or cruelly insulted someone. Everything I did was to make other people laugh. Yet, the guards (see dicks) repeatedly harassed me and banned me over and over again for nothing. Really. Not something, no. Nothing. [Rennie] deleted a picture in my house I had gotten from Elftown Graphics and had me banned for stealing art. I didn't claim the image as my own. It was at the bottom of my house, alone. It was a picture of a hand and said "rock on." I eventually got unbanned (without an apology), only to be banned again for more made up nonsense. I had to put up with a lot of their crap and was eventually banned for several years. When I got back, the guards and council all believed the hearsay spread around by douches like [Rennie], [Kaimee], [Calico Tiger], [Jay Ladlehaus], [SilverFire], and other sluts. So, not being one to disappoint, I'll be what you say I am and troll my hardest. I was an awesome kid and you guys ruined me, man.

[The Bad Turkey]

Monday, since it's the best day to happen so far today.

Today's day of the day is particularly excellent. It's single handedly the best day of the day I've made all day!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011:
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Today at Bob's Diner, [9jlriexqk,ktpk]'s nipples mysteriously went missing, only to be reported stolen by [Avaz]. No one is surprised. The Elftown Limerick Competition is approaching it's deadline (June 30th), so any entries you have need to be in soon. See Competitions for more official contest deadlines. Over at Now, [kians mummy]'s mom likes to take it in the scrounger, which isn't quite the sort of bum that Sammie meant to say when she posted the disturbing sentence in German, but around here, bad things seem to happen to good sentences quite a bit.

I was woken up by some really loud thunder this morning.

I couldn't think of any old things, so I searched for "old" in wiki keywords and the first page that I noticed is called Dirty Old Bags, which I won't go to, because I see plenty of dirty old bags on the side of the highway around here, and they're all muddy and stuck to sticks and rocks on the ground, barely blowing in the breeze as trucks and cars drive past them. Why would anyone want a wiki about some dirty old bags? Be more creative, people. Geese.



Still none.

Tuesday, August ninth, 2011:
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Lord Josmar's Emporium of Useless Information sits unupdated as he struggles to find the time to update it, especially with it now nominated for featured wiki. Bob's diner was recently plagued by a bad infestation of Mystins of various sizes and names that would bicker with one another before posting an apologetic graphic. [kians mummy] gave the drama a reboot by attacking the guards and their "Favoritism" in the wiki Reports on guards before issuing an apology shortly afterwards. The Catholic Priest just met up with the ex-con and the 11 year old "It" while the Medical Practitioner and the super model have found a tree house to stay the night in at Level Five. Also [Ravenclaw] just finished a new banner for her X-men United game. The suggestions at ERA continue to go unnoticed, same as the ones in the suggestion forums.

America lost its AAA credit rating and plunges the world into a festering, pus-ridden, sphincter of financial woe that there seems to be no escape from; Government blames financial institution. With the continued debt crisis it is advised that all Americans start learning to speak Chinese because they will own us soon enough. The Europeans, however, can continue to speak whatever it is they feel like speaking (can't understand half of them anyways, lolz).

People who can do nothing but talk about themselves bipolarly (Im so awesome *switches immediately too* I suck so hard imma kill myself) piss me off! Rawr!


Gatillsday (Created so 20/20 can have another day of news)

They ordered a recount of the votes so the winner could not be announced at the time of this posting.

"Ya know, if you skip ahead in a book, its like using a cheat code."

August 11th, 2011Or so the liberal media wants you to THINK it is.
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Not a damn thing has happened today! Seriously, look around and you will see that absolutely, positively, nothing has happened in a single wiki across the entirety of Elftown. Nothing, Nadda, Nope, Zip, Zilch, Blank, Zero activity today. Bob's Diner was mentioned on however.

They continue to tell the rest of the Army and its soldiers what to do and where to go.

One thing that irritates the crap out of me are these people that feel the need to put a smiley face at the end of every single comment they post! I can understand they can be used skillfully at times but when your in the middle of calling somebody out, the last thing you need is a smiley face at the end of your comment! :)

That one person, who made that really cool wiki that everyone liked? Yea, it's them.

"By the power of Gray Skull!"
- PC Butterman upon seeing large cache of weapons in a man's shed.

Thursday, November 14, 2013:
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I don't remember what's been going on, I haven't been paying attention. Though, I did notice I had forgotten Bob's Diner's 8th or 9th anniversary months ago. But then I forgot about it again. I made Fairly Old News to house all the fairly old news that was previously here. Also, I don't like the intro on this wiki. It's pretty dumb, but I'm too lazy to mess with it. I've got a bunch of wikis with just changes and no comments that I haven't clicked in forever, because that's just boring. Nobody cares about your edits. NOBODY, [Sunrose]. Let's see... we've got:

elftown graphics submissions gift ideas semyon_forms astro supporters //.1901-2000.// x-men rp character sheet reference pictures submissions suggest a poll the elftown proofreading service conflicted rules cpgd, page 1 i love viking death poetry competition i love alphonse elric i love edward elric retired council portrait gallery inuyasha appreciation for the boys! christmas poets rpmc art nouveau rpmc halloween which font are you? trin's list of things to draw i like to be naked proofread works featured writers eprm doll reference geek wiki tutorials and lessons submissions the 'do' date list

See? Boring shit. I don't even know what most of those are! Also, why does this wiki have 22 watchers?!

It's cold outside. Also, Obama did some stuff and the NSA did something, I dunno. Lemme go see what Reddit says...

You guys see the cat run past here? (

BOOM SHAKALAKA! (Battlefield 4) (

Imkharn describes why giving everyone in America a guaranteed minimum wage of $22,000 a year would actually be cheaper than our current system of social welfare programs.[Futurology] (

Random college guy creates best compilation of vines I've ever seen - [3:00] (

This is a marble. ( hosting drive-by malware package that installs when you visit their site. Cross post from /r/netsec (

I also had military ordnance hidden in my house. (
I was brushing flour off of the counter and didn't realize he was watching me cook. (

Actor /comedian Jon Lovitz. You'd know me as the Liar from SNL ("That's the ticket!") and the cartoon The Critic and movies like A League of Their Own, The Wedding Singer and Rat Race. AMA. (self.IAmA)

TIL Stanley Kubrick said that he didn't use drugs because "when everything is beautiful, nothing is beautiful". (

There, that's the news.

Breaking Bad ended. I'm watching Arrested Development right now. That's pretty old. And [nokaredes] used to be "Bob Loblaw" on Elftown!

I never did like this section...

[Hedda], I guess.

Wednesday, because it was Wednesday earlier, but now it's Thursday. I miss Wednesday.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013:
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Well, Bob's Diner has been doing much better lately and getting more comments than usual. I saw a few new roleplaying games get started, one of which was Darkness Reigns. Seems interesting enough, keeping in mind I'm drunk at 4 in the afternoon and can't be trusted. But I say you should go sign up! Also, I'm considering inviting a bunch of people to this wiki and letting them help edit it, make new news, and give me some wikis to advertise in this section. If you're here after having been invited randomly, feel free to make suggestions, link to your wikis, or help out! Seriously. I'm lazy as shit.

Bitcoin was at like $650 a coin yesterday and now it's back up into the $700 range after fluctuating wildly several times in recent weeks. Smart investors, much like myself, could have made hundreds in profits if COINBASE WOULD JUST STOP CANCELLING OUR ORDERS FOR NO REASON.

In other news, Obama was caught taking a selfie at Nelson Mandela's funeral. It was pretty funny.

Been playing Skyrim lately, that's pretty old. I accidentally killed an entire village recently. But they had it coming, those NPC's can get awful sassy.

I'm also watching Harry Potter and listening to Eragon on Audiobook.


[perfumed ignition]

Tuesday, because Tuesday has been the best Tuesday all week so far. Much better than the other two Tuesdays that happened earlier on in the week.

Associated Wikis
Mort's Member of the Month
Chess Tournament
Bob's Diner
Maze of Guile

ADVERTISEMENTS: (feel free to advertise your wikis here, people! ...also comments, if you feel like it... but then there's always the comment box for those, so... well... add your wikis is what I'm trying to say here...)

1. I <3 Rubber Duckies
2. Support Our Council
3. Lord Josmar's Emporium of Useless Information
4. /co/'s Buttman Comic
5. The Slave Trade
6. Healthy Living
7. the crew is doing just fine by themselves
8. Ask Pauly the Anthro-Dragon!
9. The Elftown XBL Directory

Head Writer: [Mortified Penguin]
Head Dead Writer: [General Jelly Jiggler]
Freelance Ranter: [nokaredes]
Nothing Do-er: [djxmonster]
That crotchety independent-minded old coot perched in the peanut gallery making comments here and there: [Paul Doyle]
Previous Owner: [Sagacious Turkey]!!

Username (or number or email):


2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...yo, yo.

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: I could make a really bad badge...but not until the 28th!

2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ..."bad", you say? *hopes that's the slang 'bad'*

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: ...there's a slang bad? *crushes your hopes (but not dreams)*

2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: Oh, cruel fate! My hopes (but not dreams) have been shattered! Shattered like the windows at Bob's Diner! 24/7! *sticks thumb up*

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: I said crushed! the air, this time, right?

2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...crushed! Like the cockroaches in Bob's Diner are not! ...yes... air... right... *glances around*

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: ...darn those giant cockroaches...hehe...cockroaches...

2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...they're not as bad as those giant vaginaroaches (the name is strictly coincidental)...

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: ....I'm sure...

2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...feel free to supply me with actual news...

2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...even though they have an actual news thing on the "status bar"...

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: Hey guess what?! I can't give you a badge on the 28th! My coworker's husband died and I have to work more to make up for her absense!

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: *hid the status bar*

2006-04-19 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...badges aren't news... deaths, however...

2006-04-19 [nokaredes]: ...I'm going to the viewing tomorrow...

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...I talked to [Hedda] again today... only difference from the last few times I've talked to him, is all he said was "yes"... usually it's "no"...

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: *pushes buttons*

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: Hi, I'm George Bush and I approve the following message. Tacos rules!

2006-04-20 [nokaredes]: What did you say to him...?

2006-04-20 [nokaredes]: How'd you find that?

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: "Yes?"

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: "...I assume that's you?"

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: "Yes."

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...Google... Searching for "Henrik Wallin"...

2006-04-20 [nokaredes]: Why...? // *is no longer going to the viewing*

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...I dunno...

2006-04-20 [nokaredes]: .........

2006-04-20 [nokaredes]: I think you're contradicting yourself there, a little bit...

2006-04-20 [Faulty Limerence]: Depending on what kind of news you're looking for, I would volounteer to write for you.

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...any... any at all! ...but mostly stuff on Elftown...

2006-04-20 [nokaredes]: Why does this wiki need sleezy fangirls?

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: I don't... the wiki does. *nodnod*

2006-04-20 [nokaredes]: *edits*

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: *eats ramen*

2006-04-20 [Akayume]: nice.

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: *doesn't see any editing... only a new watcher*

2006-04-20 [Akayume]: lol. I think you messaged me about this...but I wasnt sure how to help. sorry.

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: adding some news... supplying ramen... *eats ramen*

2006-04-20 [Akayume]: O.o

2006-04-20 [Akayume]: ah, can I be of assistance now?

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]:' sho'.

2006-04-20 [Akayume]: uh, okay. whatcha need me to do?

2006-04-20 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...make a banner! ...and/or gimme some news to add...

2006-04-20 [Akayume]: okay. I shall go attent to that.

2006-04-21 [nokaredes]: And if you don't see any editing, well, look closer!

2006-04-21 [Akayume]: lmao! poor turkey

2006-04-21 [Corazie]: cool wiki ^_^

2006-04-22 [nokaredes]: If my neighbor sets off his house alarm one more time I think I'll burn his house down! >_< In wiki news, add the courts of Elftown!

2006-04-22 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...that's not news!'s more like... "olds"...

2006-04-22 [nokaredes]: ...then make an olds section! ...and a rants section! Which I would be happy to help with...

2006-04-22 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...Fine!

2006-04-22 [nokaredes]: Yay!

2006-04-22 [General Jelly Jiggler]: Now... go forth and rant, my pretty! *cackles maniacally*

2006-04-22 [nokaredes]: Happy? ...I am...happier anyway...

2006-04-24 [nokaredes]: I get to rant tomorrow...>_>...right?

2006-04-24 [General Jelly Jiggler]: get to rant everyday...

2006-04-24 [nokaredes]: But you already did today's rant!

2006-04-25 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...add on to it!

2006-04-25 [nokaredes]: ...I forgot what I was going to rant about...except for maybe homework!

2006-04-25 [General Jelly Jiggler]: *schlaps forehead*

2006-04-26 [Corazie]: I mentioned the same thing to her... lmao XD

2006-04-26 [nokaredes]: The only thing I hate about having to do essays is that I can't do other things instead...I got used to visiting my school's newspaper during my lunch break, but noooo...

2006-04-30 [nokaredes]: No one did Saturday!

2006-05-01 [General Jelly Jiggler]: ...feh... too lazy...

2006-05-01 [nokaredes]: I think this wiki will die soon then...'cause as soon as I buy a new CD player I won't be on the computer nearly as much...especially since no one really talks to me anymore...and I am tired of drawing!

2006-05-01 [General Jelly Jiggler]: how did that happen?!

2006-05-01 [Corazie]: weeeeeeeiiiiird...

2006-05-01 [Sunrose]: I think you tried to export it in some strange way..

2006-05-02 [nokaredes]: Haha! ...why is Sunrose here?!

2006-05-02 [Sunrose]: Why wouldn't I be?

2006-05-08 [la vie lemon]: Lazy people.

2006-05-08 [nokaredes]: No reason. // What? Where?!

2006-05-08 [General Jelly Jiggler]: *eats... rawmen?!* ...darn off-brands...

2011-06-02 [Mortified Penguin]: We obviously need some new writers.

2011-06-02 [Akayume]: And a new FACE.

2011-06-02 [Sideways]: XD current events=Stuff. World events=How the hell would you know? There's no such thing as non-sensationalist bullshit news anymore.

Actual details= narcissitic rage, delusions of grandeur, and an incorrect decimal place on your phallus length. 16 inches? Probably 1.6 inches. Possibly 160 inches but I'm leaning towards the 1.6.

2011-06-02 [Mortified Penguin]: To be fair, it was 160 inches at one point. But I had to have it reduced, since it kept making dinner parties and funerals awkward and often unintentionally sexy.

2011-06-02 [Mortified Penguin]: And we here at the unofficial elftown news are not non-sensationalists. We're nonsense-ationalists.

2011-06-02 [Sideways]: You could have claimed to have a ceremonial jousting lance in your pocket. I use that excuse sometimes when attempting to pick up petite women.

2011-06-02 [Mortified Penguin]: I usually don't have much trouble picking up petite women. It's the heavy ones that I really strain my back on.

2011-06-02 [Sunrose]: wow talk about ancient wikis and I didn't even remember I was here before x)

2011-06-02 [Akayume]: *badump chhhhhh*

2011-06-02 [Lord Josmar]: Whee! News.

2011-06-03 [Alexi Ice]: Dead

2011-06-03 [Paul Doyle]: Who needs tornadoes and Obama when we've got the real shit right here, right now? :PPPP

2011-06-03 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: That [Mortified Penguin] is so gay.

2011-06-03 [Mortified Penguin]: >:o

2011-06-03 [Nioniel]: Very fun. :)

2011-06-03 [Sunrose]: There's nothing wrong with that though :P

2011-06-04 [Mortified Penguin]: Great, now I have to go on another raping spree to prove my heterosexuality.

2011-06-04 [Lord Josmar]: Well superman has always been a douche. I mean...he can do anything and can't be beat except by kryptonite (And that one guy that killed him the first time).

2011-06-05 [Lord Josmar]: For some reason if someone is editing for too long it will stop blocking others from editing. Had that happen to me two or three times.

2011-06-07 [Sagacious Turkey]: My wiki!!

2011-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: My Sharona!!

2011-06-07 [Sagacious Turkey]: My Prerogative!!

2011-06-07 [Lord Josmar]: My Party!!! (and I'll cry if I want to).

2011-06-07 [Lazy lion]: Posion elftown?

2011-06-07 [Lord Josmar]: Your part of the Mortified Penguin legacy. It's pretty much expected, lol.

2011-06-07 [Lazy lion]: ....legacy????

2011-06-07 [Lord Josmar]: Yea, it's kind of like when a guy joins a fraternity and then a his bother joins later down the line, it is considered a legacy.

2011-06-07 [Paul Doyle]: I prefer nice legs over an ET legacy, but OK!

2011-06-07 [Lazy lion]: Wow kinda makes me feel important....

2011-06-07 [Lord Josmar]: We take whatever we can get. Although I could go for some nice legs right now...specially with some A.1. *Smacks lips*.

2011-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: I prefer nice legs over me, if you know what I'm sayin'.

If you don't, I will mail you a diagram and three bar graphs for only $14.99 plus s&h! They have nothing to do with what I'm sayin', I just really need to get rid of all these excess bar graphs and diagrams...

2011-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT. YOU'RE DEPORTANT.

2011-06-07 [Lazy lion]: Haha you SUCK *pimp slaps mort*

2011-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:44166_1164145262.gif>

2011-06-07 [Lazy lion]:  >:) sufferrrrrrrrr!

2011-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Ha ha! Italicized.

2011-06-07 [Lazy lion]: Noooooooooooooooooo¡!!!!

2011-06-11 [Imperator]: I've decided Mort is a kind of homosexual Tony Montana.

2011-06-11 [Mortified Penguin]: I wish! He's so handso- I MEAN, I'LL CUT YOU!

2011-06-11 [Paul Doyle]: heh heh, 'Member of the Day". He said, "member". :ppp

2011-06-14 [Lord Josmar]: I had a feeling it was Turkey that updated this.

2011-06-27 [Paul Doyle]: More variety of questions are needed on Ask Pauly the Anthro-Dragon!. In the meantime, here's something to mull upon:

Will life ever be the same with [Mystin] banned from Elftown (for now, anyway)? And is there a story to be told, and lessons to be learned? Do elaborate :P

2011-06-27 [Lord Josmar]: *Gasp* Banned?

2011-06-27 [Alexi Ice]: Personally, I'm happy. I love being publicly humiliated and then harassed on my own wiki as much as the next person but...oh wait, I don't.

2011-06-27 [Mortified Penguin]: Publicly humiliated? Harassed on your own wikis?

I get to do that everyday! And it is fun.

2011-06-28 [Alexi Ice]: But when you do it it's funny. Cuz' you have, you know, a brain.

2011-08-10 [Mortified Penguin]: This seems to have died again. Neat!

2011-08-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Hmm, a lot of wikis died when Mystin got banned... strange...

2011-08-10 [Thunder Cid]: Bring it back bring it back :O

2011-08-10 [Paul Doyle]: Mine are in a stupor, as if they weren't stupid enough to begin with.

2011-08-10 [Mortified Penguin]: I don't quite have the finesse and wit to keep this thing daily or even current. Turkey's shorter, funnier style (Really Old News) and Josmar's whatever-the-heck-kind-of-style-that-is style are better than mine. Plus, I'm lazy.

2011-08-10 [Lord Josmar]: I have style?

*Looks around empty room for this rumored style. Instead finds Big Foot*

2011-08-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Hey! Stop looking at my foot! *pulls his size 14 foot out of view*

2011-08-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Here, you hold onto this for me. *hands the foot to some angry Sasquatch looking monster*

2011-08-10 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: I demand a job here. £100.00 ph.

2011-08-11 [Mortified Penguin]: £150.00 ph!!

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: Fantastic! What do I have to do?

2011-08-11 [Mortified Penguin]: ...

...£200.00 ph!!!

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: COOOOOOR!

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: *Don a maid outfit and makes the tea.*

2011-08-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Pictures! I need pictures of Spider-Man! *slams fist against desk/Tiny Tim's spine*

2011-08-11 [Lord Josmar]: <img:>

2011-08-11 [Mortified Penguin]: There are apparently some missing <u>'s...

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: Yes.

2011-08-11 [Lord Josmar]: Lies! ALL LIES!

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: No. They are not. *Twitches*

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: I have Spider-man porn. You want in?

2011-08-11 [Mortified Penguin]: If I had a nickel for every time I've been offered Spider-Man porn...

I would have upwards of 5¢.

2011-08-11 [Lord Josmar]: <img:>

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: Hahahahahahhahahaha!

2011-08-11 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: Actually. I don't think I have really ever seen porn. I certainly don't watch it :P

2011-08-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Artsie is banned, Ihsahn died, Flisky and Cid aren't together no more, Bob's Diner is having its seven year anniversary... yep... goooood month for news... *continues contributing nothing*...

2011-08-28 [Flisky]: Rumors and lies! Ihsahn isn't dead, just taking an extended vacation.

2011-08-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Underground.

Now, go do something interesting that translates into a funny story. Or skip the middle man and just write a funny story. AND GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN! *bangs hand on desk*

2011-08-28 [Nioniel]: <img:>

2011-08-28 [Akayume]: *approves*

2013-11-14 [Sunrose]: What? :P

2013-12-17 [Elwyne]: I'm randomly invited. Not sure I have anything I can help with just yet. 

2013-12-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Have any interesting wikis to advertise?

2013-12-18 [ancienteye]: How am I even on your invite list? O.O

2013-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Everyone is on my invite list. >:o

2013-12-18 [ancienteye]: /Everyone/? :o

2013-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: EVERYONE.

2013-12-18 [The Dizzy Raven]: lol

2013-12-18 [Elwyne]: none at the moment. I have a couple of rp's that I own, but they died. I'm waiting until I have a bit more time before I try to revamp them and bring them back.

2013-12-18 [The Dizzy Raven]: lol

2013-12-18 [Elwyne]: none at the moment. I have a couple of rp's that I own, but they died. I'm waiting until I have a bit more time before I try to revamp them and bring them back.

2013-12-18 [The Dizzy Raven]: O.o why are my posts going double?

2013-12-18 [Elwyne]: mine did too. Not sure why.

2013-12-18 [hanhepi]: Now that I know everyone is on your invite list I feel way less special. :(

2013-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Actually, it's usually just the members who have been active in the last month.

2013-12-18 [hanhepi]: Well, I feel a little more special again. :D

2013-12-18 [Viking]: Active in the last month? So, about 23 users then.

2013-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Well, not so much active, but members who logged on in the last month, so about 700 people.

2013-12-18 [Nuktae-tal]: muwahahahaha I am here!

2013-12-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Liar!

2013-12-19 [Eyonic]: :O ...wait...700 people?

2013-12-19 [Mortified Penguin]: 701!

2013-12-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Those people.

2013-12-19 [Eyonic]: oh my o.o all of the url

2013-12-19 [Sunrose]: I was already here. Plus I would like to state I didn't edit anything! I think? :P

2013-12-19 [yamisango]: this place is interesting

2013-12-30 [Nekko fox]: Mort, you continue to astound.

2014-01-10 [BettieBodacious]: Te he he he!

2015-06-17 [Nuktae-tal]: ooooohhhh shiny!!

2015-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: NOT FOR LONG!

*quick draws his rocket launcher and fires it into the sun*

*nothing happens*

*shrugs and goes back to not writing any new news here*

2015-06-17 [Eyden13]: Looks cool. See how well it actually does.

2022-02-10 [Sunrose]: *shakes head*

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