2009-07-15 [Kazurramah]: almost finished >< lol
2009-12-11 [Draygun]: If I may read and offer suggestions should I have any, would you like that?
It is wonderful! ^^
2009-12-11 [Kazurramah]: sure! :D
and thanks! ^_^ I've got more to add now
2010-11-09 [Kazurramah]: So close to being done now.
2012-01-03 [Kazurramah]: Note: draw evil black dragon form for it.
2012-01-04 [Avaz]: Good story. Thanks again for it! :)
2012-01-05 [Kazurramah]: Thanks and you're welcome ^_^
2012-01-05 [Avaz]: If you're still looking for constructive criticism, I'd be happy to oblige. :F
2012-01-05 [Kazurramah]: Thanks! ^_^ and yeah ^^" I've been writing for years but there were 3 years between now and then where I haven't done any works. So, I feel really rusty XD
2012-01-05 [Avaz]: Looking beyond the fact that Elijah is a bit of a Mary Sue (and that's okay!), I had a few "wtf?" moments at a few parts in the story.
1) If Shaelyn is supposed to be imprisoned, where did she pull out a weapon from? That seems like the type of thing Falzor would have totally made sure to check and disarm her first. Especially moreso if she's just got a simple gown on.
2) at no point was it ever evident that Elijah could use magic, then all of a sudden BOOM, fog spell? That kind of came out of nowhere. However, the way I see it, this is more of a worldbuilding problem than a character one. The reader needs more information about that type of thing. Can everyone in the world use magic or is it only these people, and why?
3) Same deal with the seed at the end. Where did she get the seed from? When did she plant it?
4) Speaking of that fog, if it could blind Falzor, how come it didn't also blind Elijah?
5) Lastly, this is an overall thing. I was expecting Elijah to have some sort of reaction to having to go to war for the first time. I got the impression that his whole life up to that point, he'd been kind of sheltered, playing with his girlfriend, not picking fights, but generally being a nice guy. I expected to see him have some sort of mental reaction to that, but there was nothing at all (which is where some of the Mary Sue-ness comes from). I guess what I'm trying to say is a couple sentences for a little bit more character development would have gone a long way. :)
I hope you don't take these personally. These are things that I've had to grapple with as a writer, too. Once you can answer these questions, your stories will feel more alive, less cliche, and you'll do better as a writer in the process.
Hope this helps. I wasn't trying to be mean, just constructively critical. ^_^
2012-01-05 [Kazurramah]: hahahaha XDDDD omg lmao you're right. I never thought about those concepts and I'm usually good at putting stuff together. God, I've been lacking. Thanks for pointing those things out. I really appreciate it. i forgot to put in that the their race uses magic ^^" so a majority of things were conjured. About the fog, I forgot to put in that it only clung around the dark lord's eyes. It never covered the entire area. Omg, I sucked with this. XDDD
Oh! Don't worry about it! I love constructive criticism! As long as you're not calling me names or pushing me around, it's all good. And you did none of such. hahaha xD You're fine :) I really appreciated it ^_^
And you're exactly right :)
2012-01-05 [Avaz]: Okay good. I'm glad you feel that way. Some people ask for CC and when I give it to them and it is very critical like I was here, they just can't take it. They'll bitch and whine that I'm complaining and ripping their work apart and basically get all emo on me, which I really don't like dealing with. :P
2012-01-05 [Kazurramah]: Oh wow O.O I really don't like people like that. If they can't take the CC then there's no way they can learn. If they can't take it, then their career in art or lit isn't worth it. They're better off doing something else. :/
2012-01-05 [Avaz]: That's precisely how I feel. I believe there are too many people out there who call themselves artists, but they surround themselves with people who only say good things about their work, and not enough people who are able and willing to give (and accept) an honest critique. Even if it sucks. Lord knows much of my earlier work is utter crap. Haha
2012-01-05 [Kazurramah]: Exactly!!!! People who do that are more than likely too self-absorbed :/
XDDD same here. A lot of my older stuff sucks. I started advancing after I got out of high school (with art anyways). Not so much literature XD
2012-01-05 [Avaz]: Well, I'm happy we have that much in common. :D
2012-01-05 [Kazurramah]: haha ^_^ same here