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2008-07-21 06:53:41
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THE ADVENTURES OF CHUCK NORRIS

By [spitfire_35121], [Sagacious Turkey], and [Mortified Penguin]



                One day, in the month of December, on a cold, stormy night, Santa was feeling a little sick.

                     "What will we do?" asked Rudolph.

                     "I don't know," Santa wheezed, "I guess we can't have Christmas this year!"

                     "Not if I can help it!" screamed Chuck Norris, bursting into Santa's bathroom.


                Santa was startled to see Chuck Norris in his bathroom. "Chuck Norris, where have you been? I haven't seen you since you roundhouse kicked the Martians back to the planet

Xemultar in WWIV!" Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked Santa unconscious and said, "Don't ever question Chuck Norris."


                Twenty hours later, when Santa awoke from his coma, Chuck Norris walked back in, eating some reindeer jerky. "Santa... I'll deliver the presents for you!"

                     "Can you really do it?" Santa questioned. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked him in the head again.

                     "What did I tell you about questioning Chuck Norris?!" He looked at Santa's wardrobe and there was nothing but red suits. He put one on and the clothes immediately turned

to Wrangler pants, cowboy boots, and a blue sleeveless vest. He grabbed Santa's big red bag and got on his sled. Since the reindeer were mysteriously missing, he made reindeer of his

own and named them after the apostles.


                     "On John! On Peter! On Paul! On Matthew! On Larry!" That's right. Chuck Norris made up a new apostle. Deal with it. So, Chuck flew onward, into the sky. First stop... Asia.

Twenty dead ninjas, an international war, and three paternity suits later, he flew onward. Chuck was moving on to Iraq. As his sled flew over a small village, a rocket launcher narrowly

missed Chuck and took out Larry. "Stinkin' terrorists!" he screamed. He then jumped from the sled and onto Osama Bin Laden's roof.


                     "Allah! Allah! Allah!" screamed 'Sama in his hidden bunker, while waving his guns. Chuck Norris landed on the desert ground. He looked around and saw cactus plants and

sand.

                     "Ah, just like Texas, except everything's smaller." said Chuck. Chuck roundhouse kicked the cactus and the cactus yelled in pain from Chuck's needles.


                Osama had bombs strapped to his body. Chuck Norris deactivated the bombs by brutally staring at them. Osama shot at Chuck with his AK-47. Chuck roundhouse kicked the

bullets into Mickey Mouse's forehead.


                     "Oh, sweet Disney, what did I do to deserve this? Let's go, Pluto!" Chuck Norris made Mickey and Pluto punch each other to death just by looking at them.

                Chuck Norris then ripped off Osama's head and mounted it on his trophy wall. (The wall had Jackie Chan, Arnold Swartzennager, Bruce Lee, John Claude Vandam, Barney the

Dinosaur, all four Teletubbies, Satan, Bush, David, Rambo, Jesus, some guy named Joe, King Kong, Godzilla, Souja Boy, and, after all of this happens, Santa Claus.)


                Afterwards, Chuck flew to Japan to eat some Japanese children to increase his knowledge. He made them eat themselves for him. They ate themselves until there was one

super smart kid and he ate him. Chuck then made Stephen Hawking stand up and bow down to him.


                A few miles away, a sweatshop exploded with many Japanese women and children escaping into the city. Chuck Norris made a lasso out of his pubic back beard hair and

rounded up the escaping people. He forced them to enter the burning sweatshop to make him some rocket fuel to power his sleigh. That's right, Chuck Norris ain't "green"! He uses 100%

232% diesel and gasoline to start explosions like the one in the sweatshop.


                400 flushes, 5,282 toilet paper rolls, 23 massive heart attacks, 23 defibrillations, and 46 dead bunnies later, Santa finally emerged from the Port-o-Potty. "Oh my God, what the

%&$@ happened?!"

                Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Santa in the face and nutsack. "Never question Chuck Norris!" Santa rose his head a little,

                     "I was only trying to ask a questi-" Chuck Norris double roundhouse kicked Santa in the head.

                     "What did I tell you about questioning Chuck Norris!!!" Santa let out a groan. "Aaagghh!!!" yelled out Chuck Norris as he ripped his shirt and karate chopped

Santa's neck. Santa's neck let out a fierce crack! Chuck then swung a fist at Santa. Santa ducked! He punched Chuck Norris in the stomach! "Nobody's ever been able to lay a finger on

me... congratulations." Chuck then tore Santa's arm off and beat him to death with it. "Can I give you a hand?" laughed Chuck, slapping Santa with his own hand. Chuck Norris then

decapitated Santa using Rudolph's antlers. "Ooooooww!" yelled Rudolph! "My antlers, why my antlers?" asked Rudolph. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked Rudolph and carefully

disposed of Santa's and Rudolph's bodies. He kept Santa's head as a trophy though.


                Chuck then flew to the U.S... without his reindeer. He then saw a house on his list. Chuck kicked down the door and screamed, "Chuck Norris doesn't go down the chimney!" The

children started running and screaming.

                     "Where's Santa?!" they yelled.

                     "I'm Santa now!" shouted Chuck. "Here's that doll you wanted, Janie!!" He hurled it at her, knocking her unconscious. "And here's those grenades, Billy!" He then flew out

the roof, as the house exploded below. "Another job well done," he thought...


                And so... Saint Chuck flew around the numerous houses of North America, delivering toys and killing terrorists. "That about does it!" he said.


The End





More from Mort:
Bob's Diner
Charlie Brown: Smokin' Deuces
Maze of Guile
Barry Cotter and the Sorcerer's Bone

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2008-08-16 [Imperator]: Wow. Fabulous. This trumps any of the traditional Christmas stories. I would like to add this to the Elftown Archives!

2008-08-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Go for it... *eats ramen*...

2009-06-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Weird...

2010-07-30 [Ace-of-Spirits]: *Falls over laughing* oh my god nice!

2010-07-30 [Nioniel]: Oh. My. God.

2010-07-30 [Erubeus]: Ohmieffengod.
xDD

2010-08-01 [Teufelsweib]: finally a quality story featured.

2010-08-02 [Mortified Penguin]: I know, right? It took long enough!

2010-08-13 [Falx]: Wow, Mort. Just... wow.

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