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Page name: Sharing E-mails - Funny [Logged in view] [RSS]
2007-11-04 21:06:12
Last author: Artsieladie
Owner: Artsieladie
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Sharing E-mails - Funny/Amusing



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This is just what the title says, "Sharing E-mails". I get quite a few e-mails that are really good, heart-felt, touching and/or informative. So, I thought this would be a great place to share them. I'd like anyone and everyone else to post theirs, too. I just don't want any that relate to pornography, violence or any other distasteful content. I've started out with the original page and now I'm adding on as needed. Please post your username with the e-mail you submit.
[Please add your e-mail at the bottom of the page under:]

^j^♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥^j^

Thank you for sharing! *hugs to all*


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"WELCOME EVERYONE!"


For convenience: Page Index
Topics:</b></center>
             [#Banking Bureaucracy]
             [#Garfield On the Oil Crisis]
             [#GOD and St. Francis]
             [#Two Trees]

<center><b>[#Outside Links]:</b></center>

             [#Other Links]
             [#Page Bottom]

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<center>

Please post e-mails on this page that are:

"Funny & Amusing".

Thank you & hugs to all!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

</center>


[Artsieladie] -
<b>"Banking Bureaucracy"

Dear Sir:

   I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

   You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

   I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

   From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

   Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

   In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

   Let me level the playing field even further.

   When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

   While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

   Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

   May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
   Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE' - "US SENIORS"

<center>[#Page Index]





[Artsieladie] -
"Two Trees"

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

   Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

   The birch says he cannot tell.

   Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

   The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

   The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[#Page Index]





[Artsieladie] -
"GOD and St. Francis"

Imagine a conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:

GOD: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now, but all I see are these green rectangles."

St. Francis: "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord, the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."

GOD: "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

St. Francis: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

GOD: "The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

St. Francis: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week."

GOD: "They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?"

St. Francis: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

GOD: "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

St. Francis: "No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

GOD: "Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

St. Francis: "Yes, Sir."

GOD: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

St. Francis: "You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

GOD: "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

St. Francis: "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away."

GOD: "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?"

St. Francis: "After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

GOD: "And where do they get this mulch?"

St. Francis: "They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch."

GOD: "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about....."

GOD: "Never mind! I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis."

[#Page Index]





[Artsieladie] -
"Garfield On the Oil Crisis"

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:

Alaska
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
...and...
Texas

Our DIPSTICKS...

...are located in...

Washington, DC!!!

[#Page Index]









[#Page Index]

Outside Links:






[#Page Index]


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[ Back to: ]
Sharing E-mails - MAIN INDEX
[ ALSO: ]

             Sharing E-mails - Awesome Animals
             Sharing E-mails - Awesome Animals II-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - For Fun
             Sharing E-mails - For Fun II-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Funny II-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Heartfelt
             Sharing E-mails - Heartfelt II
             Sharing E-mails - Heartfelt III-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Heartfelt IV-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Heartfelt With Pets
             Sharing E-mails - Heartfelt With Pets II-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Heartfelt With Pets III-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Informative
             Sharing E-mails - Informative II-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Where Else?
             Sharing E-mails - Where Else II?-[ MT ]
             Sharing E-mails - Where Else III?-[ MT ]


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[Also, check out:]

Birthdays On Elftown Editing Assistance - Elftown Teddy Bear Lovers



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May God Bless You! Have a great and wonderful day!


^j^♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥†♥^j^

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