Why the hell would I make a damn fine Literature Judge?
Dude, first of all, I'm a GODDAMN ENGLISH TEACHER. I get paid to do this, DO YOU?!
Secondly, here on Elftown, I'm a donor of writing (winner of a vampire poetry contest and a limerick contest), a featured writer, a Halloween poetry winner, a Christmas poetry winner, a Valentine's poetry winner, and a master poet. On average, I win 4 out of 5 of the writing and poetry related contests I enter, which leads me to believe I'm pretty good at it. I have also reviewed literature here as well: The Hobbit review
Thirdly, outside of Elftown, I've had poetry published and a number of my works featured as articles on various websites. As I mentioned before, I'm an English teacher and have taken many lit classes and read many important classics, not only in English, but also in Spanish (which I have a bachelor's degree in) and German. I often enjoy reading while I'm lifting weights or participating in triathlons. Unfortunately, my fingers have become so muscular that when I hold delicate books, I tend to accidentally crush them to dust. This is why I typically will enjoy a nice audiobook. It really helps cut back on the amount of dust I have to sweep up.
Fourthly, I like to pepper in cuss words from time to time because kids think that shit is funny.
Sixthly, I can successfully make lists of five without messing up in the slightest.
Back to apply to be a literature judge
Note: Parts of this application are OBVIOUSLY intended to be humorous. Humor is a big part of literature and takes a certain amount of wit and knowledge of the language to be able to twist and shape words in just the right way to make them funny. The use of humor here should not be misinterpreted as a lack of genuine interest in this position, but rather as one more example of my qualifications. As for the informal seeming nature of my writing style, do not assume this is because I'm incapable of grammatical and literary perfection. Rather, I intentionally use a lot of colloquialisms to seem more down to earth and approachable and it is apparent that this method of speaking and writing works, as I was approached by a number of cats yesterday. They chewed my face.
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