Common Sense Llama
"Stupidity Kills"True story rants created by [Dark Side of the Moon] for those with common sense
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[# Common Courtesy]
[# Garbage Disposals]
[# Absolute Stupidity]
[# Bridge Jumping]
[# Walking In Front Of Moving Trains]
[# Farding In The Car]
[# Traffic Tickets]
[# I dont even have a title for this one...]
[# The Perfect Crime]
[# Catching Demons]
[# What An Idiot...]
[# Bottlerocket Arse]
The Common Sense Llama on common courtesy
I have a rant today. I do not and will not ever understand why people cannot get out of the way when others want to exit/board the train. I got onto the train this morn as I always do. For some reason, folks like to congregate in the doorways and stay there for the entire trip if all of the seats are taken. It's as though they're afraid to move down the aisle and stand there instead.
"No! I must stand in the door area where others must fight to get around me!"
I'm claustrophobic so I generally don't stand in the doorways if there are a lot of people there. This morning it was crowded there so I decided to park myself in aisle. One guy saw me wanting to get by him and just gave me a dumb look. I said "excuse me", rather rudely I might add, and pushed my way past him. The trip was uneventful until we arrived at a station where a lot of people de-board. I had folks lined up behind me wanting to get out, and these idiots that are blocking the doorway don't have enough common sense to step off of the train, let the passengers out, and then step back on. So, here I am, fighting my way past these jackasses and there is one man trying like hell to get IN! I push my way out, the others behind me did likewise, and then I stepped back in. It may have been much easier if the two women blocking the doorway would have done what I did. But no! Why? That would be too much like right. Then, of all things, I have to shove my way back in because the man that wanted on decided he wanted to now block the doorway also! What a bunch of twits!!!! Now I fully understand why, in the Bible, Jesus always referred to people as sheep. Sheep are stupid, they don't think, they can't act independantly and must follow a crowd.
"Everyone else is just standing here, I guess I will too."
IDIOCY! SHEER IDIOCY!!
They do that at crosswalks also. One person walks out in front of oncoming traffic and several more blindly follow. See? Sheep! Sheep are so stupid, that some herders are now putting a llama into the herd for every twenty sheep. There are two reasons for this:
1. Llamas and canines are natural enemies. The presence of a llama will keep the sheep from being slaughtered by wolves. Sometimes the llama will actually kill the wolf (or coyote or wild dog, etc.);
2. Llamas actually think and won't run headlong into a ravine if they're suddenly startled by something. The sheep will follow the running llama rather than committing inadvertant suicide.
I like to think that I'm one of the llamas in the sheep herd that rides the train every morning.
The Common Sense Llama on garbage disposals
Why is it that when you tell folks not to do something they do it anyway? Is it the challenge to see if they can make something worse? Or is it the thrill of pissing off the person that asked them not to do it? I am assigned and paid extra to keep the kitchens clean where I work. I have asked in the past that people not put certain things in the sink's garbage disposal. True, the blades are evil looking and made of metal; but there are just some things that this machine doesn't like. Only soft food is to be put into this device. Such things that I've found in past include:
plastic coffee stirrers
a chicken bone
a peach pit seed
a soda cap
I still have not found out what the cause of the backup in this thing was yesterday, but when I went down to clean up the kitchen on the 18th floor, there was a disgusting, pukey-red sludge in both sinks because the garbage disposal was so engorged with something that it backed up both drains. If I find out what it is and find the person that did it, I'm going to throttle him/her. Doing things like this creates more of a mess for me to clean up. Thanks a million my beloved co-workers. I respect you also. >:^/
I found the cause of this problem. Someone dumped a huge amount of spaghetti into the garbage disposal and did not bother to turn it on to get rid of it. Buttholes. I sent a rather mean e-mail out to the entire firm regarding this. It will be pasted here when I get to the office.
My e-mail to the office:
(Yes, I was pissed off)
I found out the cause of the horrendous backup in the sinks in the kitchen. Someone put a very large amount of noodles or spaghetti down the drain and did not bother to run the garbage disposal. The operation of this machine is not hard. Most of us have some type of college education and know how to turn on a light. This device is very similar:
1. Put the food in.
2. Turn on the water.
3. Flip the switch up (just like turning on the lights)
4. Food goes away.
It takes 6 seconds. I can't see anybody missing anything important over 6 seconds. Not only that, food that is left to sit in the drain for very long begins to smell really bad.
The firm is billed for service calls made to building maintenance. They came, but this call really wasn't necessary. Also, I now have a very disgusting mess to clean up. Thanks, whoever you are.
If you have a large amount of food to throw out, please put it in one of the three or four trash cans that are in the kitchen. These are emptied every evening.
Please remember also that some things do not go in the disposal, even though the blades are made of metal and very mean looking. These are examples of some things that I have found in the past:
plastic coffee stirrers
peach pit seeds
a chicken bone
Don't put things like this in there. If something gets lodged in the disposal, maintenance has to be called and then we are billed for it.
(My apologies to those of you that never use the kitchen on the 18th floor)
The Common Sense Llama on absolute stupidity
Gather round my fellow llamas and I shall tell you a true tell, a tale that will astound and confuzzle you with the amount of stupidity contained within one human being. Grab your teddy bear, for the tale I shall tell is one of such shocking nature that you may well see it in your nightmares when you sleep tonight.
A few years ago in a town very close to where I live, there was a wise man that decided to it would be a good idea to siphon gasoline from his car into his lawnmower, because half-ass laziness is always better. This wise man took a long hose made of the finest rubber and inserted one end into the gas tank of his auto. But how to get the gas from the auto to the lawnmower via the rubber hose? This man, because he was wise, sucked upon the other end of the hose until there was brought forth gasoline from the auto. And when he felt the insidious taste of fuel upon his tongue, and saw stars of the greatest scintillation, this man thrust the other end of the hose into the tank on his lawnmower; and thus he filled it with precious gasoline. And it was good. And this wise men then cut off the supply of fuel running from his auto to his lawnmower via the rubber hose and emptied the extra content of the hose into his auto. But before revving the 50cc engine of his lawnmower, this wise man was tired and light-headed from the toxic fumes of the gasoline and his tongue did burn with the taste. And he brought forth from his pocket a lighter, and with a flick of his thumb there was light in the form of fire, for he thought it best to rest for a bit with...
Rest in peace, Einstein.
The Common Sense Llama on bridge jumping
"If everyone was jumping off of a bridge, would you?!"
Parents in the States are rather fond of asking their kids this question. It's meant to keep their young ones from just blindly following some dangerous trend that their peers are moving in. This question never works though. While I was at least smart enough to stay away from the popular crowd while in school (and thus keep myself out of trouble), there was a time not long after I graduated high school where I decided to take the biggest dare of my life.
There was a guy named Ben in the church that I was going to. Ben was a nice guy, cute, a little flirty, and loved his cars...fast, loud, mean, greasy cars. He was kind of dangerous, and to some girls this is a turn-on. Not long after I started attending this church, it was decided that we should have a ten-mile float trip down the Meramec River in Missouri. Imagine my delight when I was put into the same canoe as Ben. The day was beautiful for canoing: warm, sunny, light breeze. Perfect. And I was in the boat with my Ben.
Now, I'm sure that some of you can see that I'm setting myself up for something here. Let's continue with the story.
I learned from others in our group that Sappington Bridge expanded the Meramec about seven miles downstream from our starting point. We floated along, stopping to play for a while at a rope swing, explored a cave, killed a large water moccasin, and then moved down to Sappington Bridge. I found out why everyone wanted to go to Sappington Bridge. They wanted to jump from it - a nice thirty-five foot drop to the green water of the river below. Ben and I put the canoe on shore and made for the bridge. Now, it doesn't look so high - until you get up there and look down. Ben climbed over the railing and stood on the beam for a while, looking down, down, down to the water below him. Others were leaping off, swimming to shore, and coming back for another jump. I tapped Ben on the arm:
"You've been talking about this all day and now you're not going to go through with it?"
"I dunno. It's higher than I thought."
What a chicken. I climbed over the railing and stood upon the beam next to him. Here it was: my chance to impress the guy by doing something dangerous and so win him to myself.
My stupidity was never greater than at that moment.
"I'm going," I told him. And before he could say a word to stop me, off I leapt into the murky waters. My jump was not perpindicular to the surface of the water. Anyone that has landed on their stomach on the surface of water will in a moment understand my pain. Rather than going straight in, my feet skidded over the surface of the water and I landed smack on my ass. As if that wasn't bad enough, I went under the water deeper than I had thought I would. The initial shock of pain drove the wind from my lungs. Now I can swim and hold my breath, but alas swimming was excrutiatingly painful as I made my way to the surface; for the moment I went under the water, the pain went from my ass, shot up my spine, and gathered in my neck. Something inside of me at that moment screamed "YOU IDIOT!! YOU STUPID, MORONIC, IDIOT!!" I came up a few seconds later. Just as my head broke the surface, I took a huge breath and let out a bloodcurdling scream, because one cannot scream under the water. I had to be helped to shore by a passing boat that was not even part of our party.
And there were still three more miles of river to paddle.
And that my friends, is why you should never jump off of a bridge...even if everyone else is doing it. I also learned that guys are not
impressed by stupidity.
The Common Sense Llama on walking in front of moving trains
"Look both ways before crossing the tracks and do not cross too closely in front or behind the train."
-safety rule from http://www.metrostlouis.org/MetroNews/FAQs/safetyFAQs.asp
Safety rules are in place for a reason. They are not there to tell you what to do as though you were a child. They are not there to be condescending. They are not there to make your day miserable. Nor are they there to insult your intelligence. They are there to remind you to be careful. They are there because the people that write the rules do not want you to get hurt or killed. They are there because you are made of flesh and blood, are a soft being, and because large, heavy objects made of metal are in the area. Yet there are some that feel that rules do not apply to them.
As I've stated before, people are like sheep - if one goes, they all go. Only the llamas are smart enough to know that a light-rail vehicle will kill you if you if you are unfortunate enough to come in contact with one as it moves toward you. You are not Superman. The train will not stop if it makes contact with you. It will mash you to a bloody pulp. As much as I like to hear "Amazing Grace"
played on bagpipes, I want to hear it when you've fully lived your life and died of old age.
Every morning I take the bus to the train station. Whomever designed this station didn't put much thought into it, for, when you step off of the bus and head up to the platform you must cross the east-bound tracks to await the next train. Sometimes there is an east-bound train getting ready to pull out of the station when our bus arrives there.
One morning, there was an east-bound train getting ready to leave the station. As our bus pulled up, the west-bound train arrived. This is the train most of us take everyday. Rather than checking to make sure the east-bound train wasn't moving forward, a group of people ran blindly forward over the tracks to try to catch the other train before it left. The reasoning behind such behaviour is profound to me. There will be another one in ten minutes but... "NO! I must get on THIS one!!"
At first I gasped in horror when I saw the east-bound train moving forward as these people dashed over the tracks. The driver, thankfully, saw them, stopped her train suddenly and blew a long, ear-splitting horn-blast at them. I began to laugh evilly within myself as she made her announcement, loud and clear through her train's speakers, to these idiots: "You can always get another train, but you can't get another life!!"
And then these same people, who just stepped in front of a 20 ton moving vehicle, have the nerve to be insulted at what she said to them. Like one of the d.j.'s on a talk radio station in St. Louis used to say, "You can't fix stupid."
The Common Sense Llama on electricity
Stupid squirrel. If he only knew that you shouldn't connect opposing polarities. But he's squirrel, so he didn't know and his little squirrel guts went KERBLAM!
Electricity...it's our friend. With it you can surf the internet, dry your hair quickly, have light in the dark, microwave a frozen burrito, and listen to CD's. But electricity is also a dangerous force. It must be respected, for if it is not, one could end up like our pet squirrel up there. Yet there are some that either don't understand this or are so dense that they'll just do dangerous things with or around electrical appliances.
There are two things that electricity does not play well with: water and metal. Yet that doesn't seem to stop certain folks from doing certain things with electric appliances. A toaster is meant only for flour-based products and will brown them nicely when properly used. Never press a piece of cheese between two pieces of bread and put it into a toaster. This will only piss it off. Steam will rise and the toaster will hiss. A toaster does not like cheese sandwiches. But sometimes a piece of bread will fall into the wires and get lodged next to the heating elements. The proper way to shift this is to turn off the toaster, unplug it from the power-source, and remove the cancer with a plastic or wood utensil. The bread will usually come out as a blackened lump of charcoal. But you know...some just can't be bothered to do it the safe way.
There is a toaster where I work. Once a co-worker observed another co-worker prodding about in the toaster with none other than...
*insert dramatic music here*
...her fingers. "Ow, that's too hot," she says. Well DUH, moron. Then this savvy person reaches for the first thing that electricity hates: a metal knife. Now, as she is poking around in this device with the metal knife (and bear in mind the toaster is still plugged into the wall) the sink right next to the appliance has water (electricity's other enemy) running vigourously from the tap. The little twerp was damn lucky she didn't get the shit shocked out of her. But what blows me away is that people like this are allowed to breed.
Secondly, folks that use hairdryers while in the bath are definitely looking forward to an early funeral. There is a tag on hairdryers that spells out in huge, bold, black (or red), angry letters that a hairdryer should never be used while in the bath. Well, that didn't stop one gal that lived in my area. A life shortened by stupidity. By trying to save herself some time, she never made it to her friend's wedding. At least she made a good-looking corpse.
The Common Sense Llama says: "Don't fard in the car!"
fard - to paint (the face) with cosmetics.
source: Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary
Driving instructors tell you that the best way to hold a steering wheel while driving is at the 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock positions. While driving, one must keep alert, watch at all times, and obey all traffic laws.
Sometimes people decide they don't want to do that but would instead rather look in the rearview mirror while brushing their hair with one hand and applying eyeshadow with the other. Both hands are now removed from the steering wheel, one foot is on the accelerator, and the other is waving about in the air just above the floorboard because the only thing that is now maneuvering the moving vehicle is the left knee (or the right knee if you live in the British Isles). Now, if there are no hands on the steering wheel this means that their vehicle is free to rove into the other lane to cut someone off, to sideswipe them, or worse yet, to cross into oncoming traffic. The knee's primary function to help you walk. It was not designed to control things the way your hands were. Look ladies, if you cross into oncoming traffic while applying make-up and you get killed, the funeral director is just going to wash the make-up off and apply some brand that you wouldn't touch with a 30-foot pole. So wait till you get to the office bathroom and fard there. Or better yet, just get your lazy ass out of the bed earlier. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that farding in the car is extremely dangerous.
Oh, and so is reading a newspaper that's spread across the steering wheel while consuming a breakfast of biscuits and gravy, which requires the use of both hands while mashing down on the accelerator at 60 miles per hour.
Remember, I said these are true stories.
The Common Sense Llama on traffic tickets
I watched a bit of local news this morning and heard a story that was so utterly ridiculous that it could not be ignored. My friends, in a city in California, a traffic ticket was issued to someone that broke the law. It was a heavy fine of $114. If you want to know how much that is in your own currency, then go here:
What was it that was so horrible that this person was given such a hefty fine? This person was crossing a five-lane street with heavy traffic. The crossing signal gave this person the go-ahead to proceed to cross. But, much to the dismay of the pedestrian, the signal began to flash "Do Not Walk" before this person made it across to the other side. The pedestrian's actions had held up traffic for a few moments before she finally made it to the other side. The crossing signal gives people a 20 second chance to cross this roadway, plenty of time to get across. But a police officer watched this person cross slowly, taking her time as she wandered over the five lanes of street. And when she arrived at the other side the officer issued a fine to her of $114.
It didn't matter to the officer that the pedestrian was an 82 year old woman and was using a cane to keep her from falling in the street. Are we now fining the elderly because of their disabilities? Keep the traffic tickets for the real offenders, my dear officer, and do not fault an old woman with a cane just so you can fill your monthly quota.
The Common Sense Llama on... *thinks* *thinks hard* O.o Oh, screw the title...
An actual legal case found at this site: http://www.re-quest.net/g2g/humor/cases/
Salinero v. Pon
124 Cal.App.3d 120, 177 Cal.Rptr. 204 (1981)
Who Left this Sand Bag Here?
"The owner of a six-story apartment building hired an independent contractor, the plaintiff's employer, to wash the windows of the building. No safety devices from which windows washers could be suspended had been installed on the building. Consequently, the owner and the contractor agreed that the windows would be washed by means of a ladder extended over the edge of the roof from which the workers would be suspended in a boatswain's chair secured to the roof by a weighted sand bag. While the plaintiff was suspended in the chair some 35-40 feet above the ground, a fellow worker mistakenly removed the sand bag anchoring the plaintiff's chair, causing him to fall and suffer injury."
*end website quotation*
I don't know about all of you, but I'm speechless.
The Common Sense Llama on the perfect crime
A man decided one day (or night, I wasn’t there) that he would burglarize a place. But it would not just be any place…it would be a fast-food restaurant. The job must be planned. It must be done with stealth and cunning. And when the man made his plan, he set about to rob the restaurant.
Well…maybe he didn’t actually plan it…
Very early in the morning, before the sun rose, at 3:45 a.m., this man slid into the vent of the restaurant. Farther and farther in he went and then much to his dismay
the vent narrowed
and he was trapped.
Now, I’m sure the man hadn’t allowed for this in his planning. Surely he struggled to free himself. What animal caught in a trap wouldn’t fight to get free? But, alas, he was resigned to calling out for help. Soon, his pleas wakened a resident of a nearby home (who also worked at the restaurant). She called the authorities and soon the police and firemen arrived at the scene of the crime.
Firefighters set to work cutting the metal of the exhaust system in order to free the man. After a solid hour of imprisonment in the vent of a chicken fryer, the man emerged unharmed, but slathered in grease. The police took him to the station for questioning.
I have but one thing to say about all of this: good job, slick.
The Common Sense Llama on capturing evil
Out there somewhere is a house, just an ordinary house: nothing forward or pretentious, just your average house sitting sweetly in the suburbs of Americana.
But one day a man came and went into the house. And, as people do, he also left the house. Another man came…and another…and another… Each one went into the house to meet someone. They were each questioned by another man inside the house. After the questions, the visiting man left. None of the visiting men ever saw each other, did not know that others had been there before nor did they know that others would come after. Each of the visiting men were invited to come to this house, but their visit would be short.
One man brought his five year old son with him. He told his boy to wait in the car and be good. The boy watched his father go into the house. A few minutes later his father emerged and was immediately taken down by police officers. His father, face-down on the driveway, begged the police not to let his son see as they bound his wrists behind his back with zip cord. The father and his son were taken to the police station where the boy’s mother was called so that she could come and get him. The father would have to stay for a while.
And still the men came to this house – men of every size, shape, colour, creed, and background. One by one they came to the house at all hours: morning, afternoon, evening, night, pre-dawn. And not one of them ever was aware that another had been there before. Each one, as they left their vehicle, walked up to the door of the house to enter, urged to come in by a sweet, bubbly young voice: “Hey, c’mon in!” Each man went through that door with but one thought in their minds. And each one was surprised to find instead, another man coming through another doorway to speak to the house’s visitor. He questioned each man:
“What are you doing here?”
“Is this your first time?”
“Have you ever done this sort of thing before?”
“What would your wife say if she knew?”
And with other such questions, the now embarrassed men would mumble that they would never do it again; or that they did indeed know better; or that they had been jailed before because of this; or that their wife would be furious if she found out.
But, they would find out. For, even though not all of them were married, all of them had undercover cameras and then, eventually, television cameras turned on them so that the entire country could see the faces of these perverts – these on-line sexual predators – predators that were taken in and fooled by a team of undercover police officers in a sting operation. For each of these men, in an on-line chat-room, was lured by a young girl (or sometimes boy) whose age ranged from 12 to 16, a child that did not exist and tempted men to come to a house for sex.
I’m 13 years old. I’m a virgin. My parents aren’t home…
It’s a sick, disgusting world we live in, that grown men would so want to defile a child’s body. It is hard to take in that people are out there that are that perverted, especially if one would drag his five year old son – a being of innocence – along with him. And there sat his father in the driver’s seat, with intentions of violating another child not much older than him. Common sense had left each of them…and now they’re paying for it.
To find out more about this operation, go to Dateline NBC's website, To Catch A Predator:
The Common Sense Llama on getting pulled over
There's a show here in the States called "Cops". If you're not familiar with it, it's been on the air for friggin' ever and is really cool because you get to go on ride-alongs with police from all over the country via television. There's not always a lot of violence in these shows, but sometimes you get to see some pretty gruesome injuries and a lot of blood. But mostly it's folks getting pulled over for traffic violations or suspicions of driving drunk.
The last episode of "Cops" that I watched showed a guy that was pulled over by an officer for driving a little erratically. The officer peered into his truck, told the guy he smelled beer in there, and asked him to exit the vehicle. When the man got out of his truck the officer began to question him. He first asked how much the man had to drink. The typical answer is "a couple of beers". It really was clear to anyone that the guy was loaded on more than that. But, the officer then proceeded to ask him where he got the pot from. Dude had no idea what the officer was talking about and swore he didn't have any pot (marijuana). The policeman was insistent. The guy was also, stating that it had been a few months since he last smoked it. At this point, the cameraman came around to the drunk guy's right side and zoomed in on the side of his head. There, tucked quietly behind the guy's ear, just under his dirty red ballcap, sat a joint. The man, completely oblivious to its presence was quite surprised when the policeman reached forward and took the joint from under his ballcap. The man laughed and said that he forgot he put that there. The officer was also quite tickled at the man's drunken stupidity but arrested him anyway.
What a moron.
The Common Sense Llama on fireworks
There is a warning label on fireworks that basically tells you to do two things:
1. Don't hold a lit firecracker in your hand or with any other part of your anatomy.
2. Light the firecracker and get the hell away from it.
These warnings are put on fireworks for a reason. The thing is basically a miniature stick of dynamite and while it won't blow up anything it will either blind you or burn the crap out of you...or in this idiot's case...well, it burned the crap out of him.
(you may have seen this already. if not, heh-heh, watch at your own risk... oO )
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