26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy
2018-05-27 [Mortified Penguin]: Sorry, we're fresh out of plates. Would a bowl of nothing suffice?
2018-05-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: Heh heh, suckers... I'll make millions selling these stolen plates on the black market. You rubes... you fools... you stupid, stupid f- *trips over a wet floor sign and breaks his neck on a second wet floor sign mere feet away*
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *rushes over and picks up Turkey's dying body*
No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!
*starts punching his face repeatedly*
I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!
*starts choking him as well*
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts coughing up blood*
You... you did it... you saved me.
*smiles weakly and gives a final thumbs up, before collapsing in a pool of his own blood surrounded by dozens upon hundreds of wet floor signs*
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Oh no. Nnooo. He has died. Alas, I am morose. Alack and such.
*puts up an additional wet floor sign and goes back to eating some ramen*
2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: Yeah, poor Yorick... May he someday stop kicking his skull away from himself.
2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: What, oh, right, I detest having a bowl for my nothing! Don't you at least have a platter or something? I'll pay extra, but not too extra!
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: The heck are you talking about? This is a funeral home. Have some respect for the dead, jerk. *goes back to sweeping up all the skulls lying around*
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yeah! I get no respect here, I tell ya! No respect at all! AND TAKE THAT HAT OFF! *rips Misty's hair off her scalp and crawls back into his coffin*
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: I tell ya, no respect! Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch! Then he told me I was crazy. I asked for a second opinion and he said, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive! He told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed my other foot to the ground! No respect!
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Shh... no more tears, only sleep now... *forces the casket shut and wheels it out into traffic*
2018-05-29 [Yuriona]: Today's Special: Turkey Road Kill Surprise!
2018-05-30 [Nuktae-tal]: It's okay now everyone! I'm back! *bursts through door*
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: My favorite door!!
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Nuk out of the way and picks up the door's dying body*
No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!
*starts punching its face repeatedly*
I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!
*starts choking it as well*
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: It's not breathing! *starts doing chest compressions and blowing into the keyhole*
2018-05-30 [Pied Crow]: It's okay, Nuktae-talon. I like people who come back.
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Cro out of the way*
MOVE IT, I NEED TO-
Wait... huh, I can't remember what it is I even needed over here...
*shoves Cro back into position*
2018-06-02 [Nuktae-tal]: At least some people appreciate tardiness *sniffs cocaine*
2018-06-04 [Mortified Penguin]: MY DANDRUFF COLLECTION!
2018-06-06 [Pied Crow]: Can someone point us in the direction of the WC?
2018-06-06 [Yuriona]: That way... *points vaguely in the direction of the broom closet*
2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: The mop bucket is clogged and hasn't been flushed in a few years though.
2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: We also don't have running water. We do have toilet paper though. *points at a single, used napkin chained to the counter*
There's also the bidet, if you're fancy. *points at Misty*
2018-06-07 [Pied Crow]: Thanks, that's okay. I only need somewhere to eat.
*enters the closet, shuts the door, and begins eating his lunch*
2018-06-07 [The Bohemian Pixie]: Oohh bidet. Faaaancy.
2018-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, but it's pretty busted up from excessive use. You gotta whack it real hard to get it to start working.
2018-06-08 [Nuktae-tal]: *whacks Mort* nothing is happening. *uses sledge hammer on mort*
2018-06-08 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop denting that sledge hammer on my skull, it's a rental!!
2018-06-09 [Sheamus Finn]: Hey, when did we get the "I" back? And has that hole always been in the roof?
2018-06-10 [Nuktae-tal]: Yup always. *star bathes*
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go, I just spammed a bunch of gullible suckers elsewhere on the internet. Now surely we'll get tons of new commenters! TONS!
2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: I ate 2 popsicles but I lied and told my GF that I only ate one. She asked why there were 2 missing and I just slowly grinned and said "I doooon't knoooow...".
2018-06-10 [Pied Crow]: What? New people?!
*now using the closet to hide*
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You, squid slut, start washing those dishes. *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*
And you, other rube with a whore girlfriend, start frying up some meth, I'm trying to run a business here and we have hungry customers waiting! *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*
AND YOU, CROW! *drags him out of the closet by the scruff of his beak* PUT A HAIRNET ON YOUR BEAK, IT'S TOO SCRUFFY!
2018-06-10 [Yuriona]: I wasn't one of the rubes so now I feel left out. *pouts & kicks the mop bucket*
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You'll always be a rube to me, dear Yuri. All those memories... that time you told me to stop spamming people. That other time you told me to stop spamming people. And even that time you told me to seriously stop spamming people for real this time! Good times. I'll always have a special place for you near my heart. *violently crams Yuri into his shirt pocket along with his can of chewing tobacco*
2018-06-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: I once ate three popsicles and told my girlfriend we didn't even have any popsicles. Then she started grilling me with all these questions like, "Who the hell are you?! How did you get in my house?! Did you eat my dog?!" so I shoved that uppity skank in front of a bus and went back to eating popsicles to make them stop barking at me.
2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: *washes hands thoroughly* The secret ingredient is my meth recipe is Like! I find that most people find Love too spicy, so I've been using Like.
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, sure. I usually just cut it with salt and broken glass, but that works too, I guess.
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Then you should definitely try our New Cigarette Butt Salad! The cigarette butts are actually really old, it's just that the concept of our used ash trays being a salad is new.
2018-06-11 [Pied Crow]: Uh, right, sir!
*gets tangled up in a butterfly net*
2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Much better. *shoves you back into the closet and locks the door*
Wait, why does our broom closet have a lock on the outside?! *shrugs and starts pouring gasoline under the door*
2018-06-12 [Pied Crow]: Ahhh... It smells like a running truck in here~!
2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Strange.
*goes back to mudding in the kitchen, in his new Ford Velociraptor*
2018-06-14 [Nuktae-tal]: *screech!!! Hissss* *breaks shot with my dino tail*
2018-06-14 [Pied Crow]: Huh? Hey!! Lemme out of here! I hear truck and dino sounds!!
2018-06-15 [Mortified Penguin]: You're just imagining things. Nothing fun going on out here.
*ramps his dino off a huge ramp in the middle of the diner and does a bunch of totally awesome flips, while throwing wads of cash everywhere and shooting off fireworks*
*the raptor flips too close to the ceiling and is decapitated by the ceiling fan*
CHEAP PIECE OF JUNK! *angrily kicks the giant lizard's corpse*
2018-06-16 [Pied Crow]: Oh... Well, if you say so...
*returns to ruining the butterfly net*
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We've fallen to an average of only 4.777777777777
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Great, now I have to come up with some more spamming schemes to trick dumb people into posting here over the next 76 days. I briefly considered being nice and positive and not calling people rubes, suckers, and filthy kike whores, but then thought better of it.
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Lemme see if threats work...
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: Perhaps if we tell them we have puppies?
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: And if they don't comment....
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: We will deep fry them and feed the to starving children?
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: BTW, my 4 of 4.7 comments for the day.....
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We tried blackmailing people by threatening puppies back in 2004, but I think the guards put a stop to it for some reason.
2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I'll have a butterscotch birch beer!!
2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: *screeches again and dino stops around*
2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: *slams down his stein of ale in contempt*
You disgust me! This is a place of business, have some respect for the job!
*angrily chugs the rest of his stein, takes a hit off his crack pipe, and goes back to picking lice out of his pubes behind the register and flicking them at customers*
2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Maybe we can start a chess tournament? I've seen people sign up for those! But...I've not seen anyone play chess in years...
2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Anyway, Nuktae-saur! My silly bird head is free for you to stop around on!
2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: A Chess Tournament? Ridiculous! But even though I offered a $50 Amazon card to the winner, nobody ever showed up! And they didn't even know I was going to rig it, so I would never have to pay up!
*tosses the B in the deep fryer*
2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]:
A comment was unintentionall
2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: Here, I'll post some unrelated images to make up for the traumatizing loss of what I'm sure was an amazing, hilarious comment...
2018-06-18 [Nuktae-tal]: MY BEAUTIFUL COMMENT!!!! *SOB SOB* ooh funny pictures!*
2018-06-18 [Pied Crow]: I guess I'll get my silly bird head stopped...anot
2018-06-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *bashes your head in with a stop sign*
"Hey! Where'd you get that stop sign?!"
Oh, uh... I brought this from home, officer...
*he nods and goes back to eating his bowl of grass and used Band-AIDS*
*the sound of crashing cars can be heard outside, but that's probably unrelated to any of my various felonies*
2018-06-19 [Nuktae-tal]: *Dino Stops all over the Stop sign*
2018-06-19 [Pied Crow]: D...Diiiinoooo
2018-06-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *tweet* mother fuckers!
2018-06-20 [Mortified Penguin]: *dramatically eats a bowl of ramen*
2018-06-20 [Yuriona]: Ooooo... *applauds* Bravo! Bravo!! *nominates Mort for an Oscar*
2018-06-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *steals Mort's bowl but leaves the soup*
2018-06-22 [Mortified Penguin]: That bowl cost $6.99...
2018-06-23 [Nuktae-tal]: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SOUP MORT?!?!?!!?
2018-06-23 [Sheamus Finn]: The soup was three-fitty...
2018-06-23 [Pied Crow]: ZZZzzzzzzzz...
2018-06-23 [Sideways]: (((200 Comments)))
2018-06-25 [Nuktae-tal]: *puts down a twenty* there that aught to cover it! Twenty lizards will pay you back with a few to spare!
2018-06-25 [Pied Crow]: Why are we bringing up lizards so much? You're making me say embarrassing things!
2018-06-25 [Sideways]: Choking... people... is illegal...
2018-06-25 [Yuriona]: But watching people choking because of other people is ok right? *munches popcorn*
2018-06-25 [Mortified Penguin]: *looks up from choking [Sideways]* First of all, these are clearly counterfeit salamanders. And secondly, strangling is illegal, but choking should be fine. *goes back to strangling [Sideways]*
2018-06-25 [Nuktae-tal]: SALADS ARE LIZARDS TOO! *puts another twenty geckos down*
2018-06-26 slamdunkjesus: also, I'm having an egg party this weekend. this definitely has nothing to do with the diner being out of eggs.
2018-06-26 slamdunkjesus: Honestly, we should become a vegan restaurant because I'm going to fucking stealing eggs. There I said it.
2018-06-26 [Pied Crow]: Addicted to the eggs, are you? Hmm, I didn't see the end of that episode...
2018-06-26 [Mortified Penguin]: *shrugs and grabs some eggs out of Crow's nest and starts frying them up*
Wait, what the hell am I doing...? Nobody ordered eggs... *rips the entire stove out of the ground by its roots and hurls it into the street*
*a little, old lady continues waiting indefinitely at the bar for her order of bedeviled eggs*
2018-06-26 [Igor's Hero]: **Peeks in**
2018-06-26 [Mortified Penguin]: ARE YOU THE ONE THAT STOLE MY STOVE?! That stove cost $699...
*starts punching the Hero of Igor while still choking the Ways of Side with his other two hands*
2018-06-26 [Nuktae-tal]: *takes pictures for commemorating*
2018-06-27 [Pied Crow]: Fine, take 'em. Saves me the trouble of finding a fence.
2018-06-27 [Angel In Red]: Unsubscribe me. Thanks.
2018-06-27 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm sorry, but without the proper cancellation phrase, there's nothing I can do. Corporate has really been coming down hard on me lately for not spamming enough. Wish I could do more to help you. :(
2018-06-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: *scrupulously monitors the diner from his corporate blimp, while clutching his sniper rifle*
2018-06-28 [Nuktae-tal]: Yyyyaaaaayyyy more people posting shit!!!
2018-06-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Y'know, you people could do some spamming too, so I don't have to be the only one spamming and harassing gullible morons. ESPECIALLY YOU, YURI.
2018-06-29 [Yuriona]: No.
2018-06-29 [Pied Crow]: I'd try to say I'm too passive to spam, but I also said I'd never say much. Yet, here I am saying many things, even things that shouldn't be said.
2018-06-29 [Pied Crow]: Oh. I had a chance to advertise the diner a few days ago, but I didn't want to look like a hawker.
2018-06-30 [Glassphyxie.]: Holy Jesus I can't believe this place is still active.
2018-06-30 [Pied Crow]: They say the gravitational pull of TheBD is so strong, no one can truly leave forever.
Wait, wrong site.
2018-06-30 slamdunkjesus: i'm trying to hatch these eggs to no avail. i think we need softer toilet paper
2018-06-30 [Nuktae-tal]: I CAN'T BELEIVE IT'S NOT BUTTER?!
2018-07-02 [Pied Crow]: Perhaps try putting one of them in your shoe and singing some MJ?
2018-07-02 [Sagacious Turkey]:
2018-07-02 [Mortified Penguin]: The gravitational pull of Misty is what keeps us all here. That and my submachine gun. *pats old Tommy on the barrel*
2018-07-02 [Mortified Penguin]: This diner needs more diversity. I'm sick of Yuri being the only black man we have around here.
*goes to launch Bob's Diner t-shirts at migrant boats to advertise*
*runs out of shirts and starts launching Bob's Diner rock potatoes instead*
*one of the migrant boats labeled "Coast Guard" starts inexplicably sinking*
2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: Now you've done it... all their cell phones will be ruined and they will have to actually talk to their wives!
2018-07-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *the boat explodes*
I don't think that'll be a problem.
2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: You are corrected sir! Now they will have to deal without everything in hell!
2018-07-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *their souls start ascending upward, toward the heavens, as they were all pious men, even Jimmy, who stabbed a man once*
I don't think that'll be a problem.
2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: *uses giant butterfly net to trap them in pickle jars still full of pickles.* well now it is!!
2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *pours some hot sauce in the jar and slaps a "gourmet ghost peppers" label on it*
*tosses the entire jar into the soup*
2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: *tests soup* still needs more dog. *throws in a stewing dog*
2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: Your mom is a dog! *slam dunks your mom into the soup*
And that's why they call me Slam Dunk Jesus™.
2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: I thought you were Slam Dunk Satan. Guess not.
2018-07-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Speaking of slamming! 'MURICA FOURTH OF JULY!! EAGLES AND FALSE FREEDOM AND SHIT!
2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: I used to be Home Run Allah, but I converted.
*a swarm of bald eagles (not to be confused with Bald Eagles, these are just pigeons with alopecia... and I lied about the eagles part...) fly in and start pecking Misty's so-called face*
2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: *applauds*
2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *appalleds*
2018-07-05 [Yuriona]: appalacian?
2018-07-05 [Nuktae-tal]: Application denied!!
2018-07-05 [Pied Crow]: Pfft, scavengers...
*returns to eating animal crackers and stepping on people crackers*
2018-07-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't mock our beloved eagle friends. We here at Bob's Aviary and Unrelated Chicken Wing Restaurant respect all bi- *swats a condor out of the air with a tennis racket* FUCK OFF, PTERODACTYL! NOBODY LOVES YOU!
2018-07-06 [Nuktae-tal]: *cries* I loved him and now he is dead!!
2018-07-06 [Pied Crow]: Hey, noo, don't do that! The condor is somehow the phoenix!
Guys, we need to pool our money so we can hire mercenaries to protect the condor!
2018-07-08 [Mortified Penguin]: *the condor decomposes*
2018-07-09 [Pied Crow]: Failed. Guess we gotta do the fighting ourselves!
Which one of you is the wannabe hero?
2018-07-09 [Yuriona]: *points vaguely in a direction* That guy!
2018-07-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Why, it's Carlos! That junkie that sleeps in the alley and hassles kids on their way home from school for drug money!
*Carlos shoots up some pure Oxyclean and passes out on [Yuriona]'s car... heroically*
*meanwhile, the condor is just a pile of sun bleached bones on the counter*
Somebody turn down the lights...
2018-07-10 [Pied Crow]: Ooohh!! The car or the bird bones? Ah, I can't decide!
2018-07-10 [Pied Crow]: No, wait, I mean-- Legendary hero Carlooooos! You must defeat the MPK (Mortified Penguin King)!
2018-07-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Huh?! *rushes over and starts bashing Carlos's lifeless body/Yuri's car with a baseball bat*
2018-07-10 [Yuriona]: Hey! At least use a maple wood bat!
2018-07-11 [Pied Crow]: What! N-Nooooo!! Not the vehicle!!!
*embraces the condor's decaying bones for comfort!!!!*
2018-07-12 [Mortified Penguin]: 50 days until the end of the friscal year! Just enough time for Yuri to pick up the slack and stop being such a disappointment to me.
2018-07-12 [Yuriona]: *steps lazily to the left & dodges* But I enjoy being a disappointment
2018-07-12 [Nuktae-tal]: I am posting for numbers, I'm trying
2018-07-12 [Sagacious Turkey]:
2018-07-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Try harder!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!
2018-07-13 [Pied Crow]: But the harder I try, the weirder the things I type out!
The world, it's... Got any codes?
2018-07-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Too weird. You disgust me. *spits at Yuriona again*
2018-07-13 [Yuriona]: *steps lazily to the right* I think perhaps I would be wise to don my rain gear. It seems to be spitting out. *starts looking for her umbrella and galoshes*
2018-07-14 [Pied Crow]: You're gonna get your Rain gear because it's spitting? Huh, l see, l see...
2018-07-14 [Yuriona]: What do you see?
2018-07-14 [Pied Crow]: Uhhhhhhh..... Something that isn't really there?
2018-07-15 [Nuktae-tal]: Aren't they the cutest!! I see them all the time!!
2018-07-15 [Pied Crow]: Yes, Nuktae-bird! They're such a cute copyrighted alien race!
2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: *bursts in and punts one of the aliens into the idling woodchipper in the kitchen*
Get back to work, this is a place of "business"!! Somebody sweep that wall! And mop that broom! And scrape all those invisible chunks off my woodchipper!! *points angrily at the shiny, pristine woodchipper*
2018-07-16 [Pied Crow]: How many times will you break my bird hearrrrt!?!
2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Lies! I've broken nothing! *angrily breaks a signed, framed portrait of Godzilla*
2018-07-16 [Pied Crow]: !!!!!!!!!!!
Actually, that probably means it'll be easier to steal. No one'll miss a broken portrait, kehehe.
2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: You'll never get this fake portrait! NEVER! *dives into the woodchipper*
2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: Huh?! Not so fast!
*turns off the woodchi--*
... How do you turn off a woodchipper?
2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Just throw it in the woodchipper... AND CLEAN UP THOSE SHREDDED MORT CHUNKS!
2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: My sensitive bird heart is heavy from these tragedies, but...all right. In there?
*tosses the woodchipper into the woodchi--*
... How do you turn on a woodchipper?!
2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Just plug it in and turn the throttle from turtle to rabbit to cheetah to cheetah with rocket boosters.
2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: Well, I can't do it now, I've grown sleepy! Go sustain an endless cycle of woodchipper shredding yourself, this bird's takin' a nap!
2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: By the way, have I mentioned I'm a bird?
2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Birds don't sleep, they're cold blooded. I don't think you know anything about birds.
2018-07-18 [Pied Crow]: Preposterous! You think I don't know anything about my own self?! I know when I've been insulted! I know when I've been insulted!!!
*hops off to address his crow's feet*
2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]:
2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Project Wonderful died! There's no more ad space on Elftown for me to spam... :(
2018-07-18 [Nuktae-tal]: Phhffffff!!! Nnnooooo!! What spam?! That shit is delicious!
2018-07-18 [Pied Crow]: Ew, now we have to rely on Google ads and have our history tracked, or w'ever people are saying about them now.
2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Lies and slander! Not libel! Slander! As a self-proclaime
*goes back to stealthily following Nuk in his Google Van*
*nobody seems to notice the large, conspicuous van driving slowly through the middle of the diner, occasionally running over customers*
2018-07-19 [Nuktae-tal]: You ever get that feeling... like a bird has pooped on you? *feeds wild macaw the special whilst it sits upon mine head*
2018-07-19 [Pied Crow]: Speak for yourself, Mort-bird! I always have my eyes on big, strong vehicles in places they don't belong!
*stares at the van's tires while completely neglecting the woodchipper/s*
2018-07-19 [Mortified Penguin]: *the van gets a flat tire from driving over a particularly sharp customer*
*abandons it and jumps into his spare helicopter stored in bathroom #16*
*covertly flies through the diner, occasionally decapitating unsuspecting customers*
(11h ago) [Pied Crow]: I'm pretty sure this is a trap to trick me into saying something regrettable...