Wiki:
Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]
2018-06-12 00:20:28
# of watchers: 268
D20: 20
Bookmark and Share




<img250*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdiner.png>


Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.


a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]
.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,
ain't no place finer!
The food is good,
we're always in tha 'hood,
and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

<img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/o.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/s.gif> <img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/d.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/i.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/n.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/e.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/r.gif>


As seen in [iippo]'s diary!
This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee
and the [pixish] art committee



<img:http://elftown.com/stuff/aj/44884/1414522632.png>
by [Teufelsweib]
<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Menu:
Show content


<img:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinersml.png>

|Da menyou|


<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'
 

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Breakfast


1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50
2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20
3. Hash Browns $1.00
4. Hash Greens $1.00
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00
6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50
7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50
8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25
9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)
10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Lunch



1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19
2. hamburger & fries $4.00
3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24
4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00
6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99
7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82
8. La Ham and cheese $2.30
9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour
10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour
11. sirloin $6.00
12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00
13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99
14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00
15. fried Alley Gator $5.00
16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50
17. Poo Stew $2.25
18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50
19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25
20. Roasted n00b $4.00
21. Bloody Rock $1.50
22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75
23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50
24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12
25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50
26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00
27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00
28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50
29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!
30.
31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75
32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25
33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00
34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00
35. Ground beef Carl $3.25
36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99
37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..
38. viagra pill $300
39. gobbler....?
40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00
41. hootchie cootchie $2.00
42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00
43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90
44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50
45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)
47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5
48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99
49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!
50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!
51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Appetizers


1. half a cracker $1,000,000
2. Bloody Rock $1.50
3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00
4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))
5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25
6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50
7. Cooked Sushi $4.50
8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01
9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))
10. Bowl of tears $.50
11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50
12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50
13. Corn on the toes $1.50
14. cooked sushi $2.00
15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER
16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy
17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1
17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])
19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]
20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00
21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)
22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.
23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.
24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Dinner


1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10
2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....
3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75
4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone
5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50
6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...
7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.
8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)
9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00
10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0
11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)
12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00
13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Dessert


1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00
2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00
3. artichoke pie $1.50
4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75
5. Iced ice $0.50
6. Glazed rocks $0.75
7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00
8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75
9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00
10. "Cow Pie" $2.00
11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50
12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2
13. "apple sauce" $1
14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?
15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000
16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50
17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box
18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box
19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50
20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)
21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)
22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)
23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>


Drinks


1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00
2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00
4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00
5. liquid lard $1.00
6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95
7. goat milk $1.00
8. watered down tea $1.00
9. Turkey Milk $1.00
10. A Pint of Blood $0.50
11. A Quart of Blood $1.00
12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50
13. Rat Milk $1.00
14. Snow Coco $1.00
15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)
16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound
17. A "booty" shake $6.66
18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.
19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick
20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)
21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00
22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie



<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>



Bob's Diner Status Report:
Show content

Bob's Diner Status Report

All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].

       

Year
04/05
05/06
06/07
07/08
08/09
09/10
10/11
11/12
12/13
13/14
14/15
15/16
16/17


Comments
9709
3870
3065
5676
4309
2879
5259
1697
0984
0756
0394
0177
0384


Average
26.6 cpd
10.6 cpd
08.4 cpd
15.5 cpd
11.8 cpd
07.9 cpd
14.4 cpd
04.7 cpd
02.7 cpd
02.1 cpd
01.1 cpd
00.5 cpd
01.1 cpd



Total Comments
09709
13579
16644
22320
26666
29545
34804
36501
37484
38240
38634
38839
39223



Total Average
26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy


Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report


Since The End of the Last Friscal Year


Since B's D's Founding


Friscal Reports:
Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.




   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.




   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)


This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)







Previous B's D

Username (or number or email):

Password:

2018-05-27 [Mortified Penguin]: Sorry, we're fresh out of plates. Would a bowl of nothing suffice?

2018-05-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: Heh heh, suckers... I'll make millions selling these stolen plates on the black market. You rubes... you fools... you stupid, stupid f- *trips over a wet floor sign and breaks his neck on a second wet floor sign mere feet away*

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *rushes over and picks up Turkey's dying body*

No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!

*starts punching his face repeatedly*

I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!

*starts choking him as well*

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts coughing up blood*

You... you did it... you saved me.

*smiles weakly and gives a final thumbs up, before collapsing in a pool of his own blood surrounded by dozens upon hundreds of wet floor signs*

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Oh no. Nnooo. He has died. Alas, I am morose. Alack and such.

*puts up an additional wet floor sign and goes back to eating some ramen*

2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: Yeah, poor Yorick... May he someday stop kicking his skull away from himself.

2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: What, oh, right, I detest having a bowl for my nothing! Don't you at least have a platter or something? I'll pay extra, but not too extra!

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: The heck are you talking about? This is a funeral home. Have some respect for the dead, jerk. *goes back to sweeping up all the skulls lying around*

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yeah! I get no respect here, I tell ya! No respect at all! AND TAKE THAT HAT OFF! *rips Misty's hair off her scalp and crawls back into his coffin*

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: I tell ya, no respect! Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch! Then he told me I was crazy. I asked for a second opinion and he said, "Okay, you're ugly too!"

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."

2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive! He told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed my other foot to the ground! No respect!

2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Shh... no more tears, only sleep now... *forces the casket shut and wheels it out into traffic*

2018-05-29 [Yuriona]: Today's Special: Turkey Road Kill Surprise!

2018-05-30 [Nuktae-tal]: It's okay now everyone! I'm back! *bursts through door*

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: My favorite door!!

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Nuk out of the way and picks up the door's dying body*

No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!

*starts punching its face repeatedly*

I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!

*starts choking it as well*

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: It's not breathing! *starts doing chest compressions and blowing into the keyhole*

2018-05-30 [Pied Crow]: It's okay, Nuktae-talon. I like people who come back.

2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Cro out of the way*

MOVE IT, I NEED TO-

Wait... huh, I can't remember what it is I even needed over here...

*shoves Cro back into position*

2018-06-02 [Nuktae-tal]: At least some people appreciate tardiness *sniffs cocaine*

2018-06-04 [Mortified Penguin]: MY DANDRUFF COLLECTION!

2018-06-06 [Pied Crow]: Can someone point us in the direction of the WC?

2018-06-06 [Yuriona]: That way... *points vaguely in the direction of the broom closet*

2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: The mop bucket is clogged and hasn't been flushed in a few years though.

2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: We also don't have running water. We do have toilet paper though. *points at a single, used napkin chained to the counter*

There's also the bidet, if you're fancy. *points at Misty*

2018-06-07 [Pied Crow]: Thanks, that's okay. I only need somewhere to eat.

*enters the closet, shuts the door, and begins eating his lunch*

2018-06-07 [The Bohemian Pixie]: Oohh bidet. Faaaancy.

2018-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, but it's pretty busted up from excessive use. You gotta whack it real hard to get it to start working.

2018-06-08 [Nuktae-tal]: *whacks Mort* nothing is happening. *uses sledge hammer on mort*

2018-06-08 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop denting that sledge hammer on my skull, it's a rental!!

2018-06-09 [Sheamus Finn]: Hey, when did we get the "I" back? And has that hole always been in the roof?

2018-06-10 [Nuktae-tal]: Yup always. *star bathes*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: When [Nioniel] died in that tragic horse collision. All that wasted sloppy joe meat... *shakes head sadly*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go, I just spammed a bunch of gullible suckers elsewhere on the internet. Now surely we'll get tons of new commenters! TONS!

2018-06-10 alliecalamari: Gullible sucker here reporting for duty!

2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: I ate 2 popsicles but I lied and told my GF that I only ate one. She asked why there were 2 missing and I just slowly grinned and said "I doooon't knoooow...".

2018-06-10 [Pied Crow]: What? New people?!

*now using the closet to hide*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You, squid slut, start washing those dishes. *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*

And you, other rube with a whore girlfriend, start frying up some meth, I'm trying to run a business here and we have hungry customers waiting! *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*

AND YOU, CROW! *drags him out of the closet by the scruff of his beak* PUT A HAIRNET ON YOUR BEAK, IT'S TOO SCRUFFY!

2018-06-10 [Yuriona]: I wasn't one of the rubes so now I feel left out. *pouts & kicks the mop bucket*

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You'll always be a rube to me, dear Yuri. All those memories... that time you told me to stop spamming people. That other time you told me to stop spamming people. And even that time you told me to seriously stop spamming people for real this time! Good times. I'll always have a special place for you near my heart. *violently crams Yuri into his shirt pocket along with his can of chewing tobacco*

2018-06-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: I once ate three popsicles and told my girlfriend we didn't even have any popsicles. Then she started grilling me with all these questions like, "Who the hell are you?! How did you get in my house?! Did you eat my dog?!" so I shoved that uppity skank in front of a bus and went back to eating popsicles to make them stop barking at me.

2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: *washes hands thoroughly* The secret ingredient is my meth recipe is Like! I find that most people find Love too spicy, so I've been using Like.

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, sure. I usually just cut it with salt and broken glass, but that works too, I guess.

2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: Smoking cigarettes is the best and best habit I've ever picked up.

2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Then you should definitely try our New Cigarette Butt Salad! The cigarette butts are actually really old, it's just that the concept of our used ash trays being a salad is new.

2018-06-11 [Pied Crow]: Uh, right, sir!

*gets tangled up in a butterfly net*

2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Much better. *shoves you back into the closet and locks the door*

Wait, why does our broom closet have a lock on the outside?! *shrugs and starts pouring gasoline under the door*

2018-06-12 [Pied Crow]: Ahhh... It smells like a running truck in here~!

2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Strange.

*goes back to mudding in the kitchen, in his new Ford Velociraptor*

2018-06-14 [Nuktae-tal]: *screech!!! Hissss* *breaks shot with my dino tail*

2018-06-14 [Pied Crow]: Huh? Hey!! Lemme out of here! I hear truck and dino sounds!!

2018-06-15 [Mortified Penguin]: You're just imagining things. Nothing fun going on out here.

*ramps his dino off a huge ramp in the middle of the diner and does a bunch of totally awesome flips, while throwing wads of cash everywhere and shooting off fireworks*

*the raptor flips too close to the ceiling and is decapitated by the ceiling fan*

CHEAP PIECE OF JUNK! *angrily kicks the giant lizard's corpse*

2018-06-16 [Pied Crow]: Oh... Well, if you say so...

*returns to ruining the butterfly net*

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529160821.jpg>

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529160885.png>

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529160926.jpg>

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529160956.jpg>

2018-06-16 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529161023.jpg>

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We've fallen to an average of only 4.7777777777777777777777777773777 comments a day for this friscal year! I'M DOCKING YOUR PAY FOR THIS, NUK. *takes a bite out of her yearly apple allowance*

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Great, now I have to come up with some more spamming schemes to trick dumb people into posting here over the next 76 days. I briefly considered being nice and positive and not calling people rubes, suckers, and filthy kike whores, but then thought better of it.

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Lemme see if threats work...

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: Perhaps if we tell them we have puppies?

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: And if they don't comment....

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: We will deep fry them and feed the to starving children?

2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: BTW, my 4 of 4.7 comments for the day.....

2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We tried blackmailing people by threatening puppies back in 2004, but I think the guards put a stop to it for some reason.

2018-06-16 slamdunkjesus: *covered in sweat. delicious, delicious sweat*

2018-06-16 slamdunkjesus: I'm going to start serving alcohol. Anyone wanna try a sweat cocktail?

2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I'll have a butterscotch birch beer!!

2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: *screeches again and dino stops around*

2018-06-17 slamdunkjesus: Ahh, 'ere ya go. One Triple B. Sweat is complimentary.

2018-06-17 slamdunkjesus: If I'm not getting paid, can I drink on the job?

2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: *slams down his stein of ale in contempt*

You disgust me! This is a place of business, have some respect for the job!

*angrily chugs the rest of his stein, takes a hit off his crack pipe, and goes back to picking lice out of his pubes behind the register and flicking them at customers*

2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Maybe we can start a chess tournament? I've seen people sign up for those! But...I've not seen anyone play chess in years...

2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Anyway, Nuktae-saur! My silly bird head is free for you to stop around on!

2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: A Chess Tournament? Ridiculous! But even though I offered a $50 Amazon card to the winner, nobody ever showed up! And they didn't even know I was going to rig it, so I would never have to pay up!

*tosses the B in the deep fryer*

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529259092.png>

A comment was unintentionally deleted due to these stupid damn delete buttons everywhere. Pretty sure it was Nukt's. Pretty sure something about a B not being cooked was said. REPOST YOUR EXACT COMMENT WORD FOR WORD OR ELSE! *slaps Nukt*

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: Here, I'll post some unrelated images to make up for the traumatizing loss of what I'm sure was an amazing, hilarious comment...

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529259691.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529259718.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529259758.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529259800.png>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529259834.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529259864.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529259904.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1529259949.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529260445.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529260496.jpg>

2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1529260529.jpg>

2018-06-18 [Nuktae-tal]: MY BEAUTIFUL COMMENT!!!! *SOB SOB* ooh funny pictures!*

2018-06-18 [Pied Crow]: I guess I'll get my silly bird head stopped...another time...

2018-06-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *bashes your head in with a stop sign*

"Hey! Where'd you get that stop sign?!"

Oh, uh... I brought this from home, officer...

*he nods and goes back to eating his bowl of grass and used Band-AIDS*

*the sound of crashing cars can be heard outside, but that's probably unrelated to any of my various felonies*

2018-06-19 [Nuktae-tal]: *Dino Stops all over the Stop sign*

2018-06-19 [Pied Crow]: D...Diiiinooooooo...... *passes out with what might be either a smile or a badly dented beak*

2018-06-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *tweet* mother fuckers!

2018-06-20 [Mortified Penguin]: *dramatically eats a bowl of ramen*

2018-06-20 [Yuriona]: Ooooo... *applauds* Bravo! Bravo!! *nominates Mort for an Oscar*

2018-06-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *steals Mort's bowl but leaves the soup*

2018-06-22 [Mortified Penguin]: That bowl cost $6.99...

2018-06-23 [Nuktae-tal]: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SOUP MORT?!?!?!!?

2018-06-23 [Sheamus Finn]: The soup was three-fitty.....

2018-06-23 [Pied Crow]: ZZZzzzzzzzz............. Oh, um, wasn't three-fifty what a certain monster wanted from Mort?

2018-06-23 [Sideways]: (((200 Comments)))

2018-06-23 [Mortified Penguin]: THAT. BOWL. COST. $6.99!! *starts choking [Sideways]*

2018-06-25 [Nuktae-tal]: *puts down a twenty* there that aught to cover it! Twenty lizards will pay you back with a few to spare!

2018-06-25 [Pied Crow]: Why are we bringing up lizards so much? You're making me say embarrassing things!

2018-06-25 [Sideways]: Choking... people... is illegal...

2018-06-25 [Yuriona]: But watching people choking because of other people is ok right? *munches popcorn*

2018-06-25 [Mortified Penguin]: *looks up from choking [Sideways]* First of all, these are clearly counterfeit salamanders. And secondly, strangling is illegal, but choking should be fine. *goes back to strangling [Sideways]*

2018-06-25 [Nuktae-tal]: SALADS ARE LIZARDS TOO! *puts another twenty geckos down*

2018-06-26 slamdunkjesus: we are out of eggs

2018-06-26 slamdunkjesus: also, I'm having an egg party this weekend. this definitely has nothing to do with the diner being out of eggs.

2018-06-26 slamdunkjesus: Honestly, we should become a vegan restaurant because I'm going to fucking stealing eggs. There I said it.

2018-06-26 [Pied Crow]: Addicted to the eggs, are you? Hmm, I didn't see the end of that episode...

2018-06-26 [Mortified Penguin]: *shrugs and grabs some eggs out of Crow's nest and starts frying them up*

Wait, what the hell am I doing...? Nobody ordered eggs... *rips the entire stove out of the ground by its roots and hurls it into the street*

*a little, old lady continues waiting indefinitely at the bar for her order of bedeviled eggs*

2018-06-26 [Igor's Hero]: **Peeks in**

2018-06-26 [Mortified Penguin]: ARE YOU THE ONE THAT STOLE MY STOVE?! That stove cost $699...

*starts punching the Hero of Igor while still choking the Ways of Side with his other two hands*

2018-06-26 [Nuktae-tal]: *takes pictures for commemorating*

2018-06-27 [Pied Crow]: Fine, take 'em. Saves me the trouble of finding a fence.

2018-06-27 [Angel In Red]: Unsubscribe me. Thanks.

2018-06-27 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm sorry, but without the proper cancellation phrase, there's nothing I can do. Corporate has really been coming down hard on me lately for not spamming enough. Wish I could do more to help you. :(

2018-06-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: *scrupulously monitors the diner from his corporate blimp, while clutching his sniper rifle*

2018-06-28 [Nuktae-tal]: Yyyyaaaaayyyy more people posting shit!!!

2018-06-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Y'know, you people could do some spamming too, so I don't have to be the only one spamming and harassing gullible morons. ESPECIALLY YOU, YURI.

2018-06-29 [Yuriona]: No.

2018-06-29 [Pied Crow]: I'd try to say I'm too passive to spam, but I also said I'd never say much. Yet, here I am saying many things, even things that shouldn't be said.

2018-06-29 [Pied Crow]: Oh. I had a chance to advertise the diner a few days ago, but I didn't want to look like a hawker.

2018-06-30 [Glassphyxie.]: Holy Jesus I can't believe this place is still active.

2018-06-30 [Pied Crow]: They say the gravitational pull of TheBD is so strong, no one can truly leave forever.

Wait, wrong site.

2018-06-30 slamdunkjesus: i'm trying to hatch these eggs to no avail. i think we need softer toilet paper

2018-06-30 [Nuktae-tal]: I CAN'T BELEIVE IT'S NOT BUTTER?!

2018-07-02 [Pied Crow]: Perhaps try putting one of them in your shoe and singing some MJ?

2018-07-02 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1530566629.jpg>

2018-07-02 [Mortified Penguin]: The gravitational pull of Misty is what keeps us all here. That and my submachine gun. *pats old Tommy on the barrel*

2018-07-02 [Mortified Penguin]: This diner needs more diversity. I'm sick of Yuri being the only black man we have around here.

*goes to launch Bob's Diner t-shirts at migrant boats to advertise*

*runs out of shirts and starts launching Bob's Diner rock potatoes instead*

*one of the migrant boats labeled "Coast Guard" starts inexplicably sinking*

2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: Now you've done it... all their cell phones will be ruined and they will have to actually talk to their wives!

2018-07-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *the boat explodes*

I don't think that'll be a problem.

2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: You are corrected sir! Now they will have to deal without everything in hell!

2018-07-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *their souls start ascending upward, toward the heavens, as they were all pious men, even Jimmy, who stabbed a man once*

I don't think that'll be a problem.

2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: *uses giant butterfly net to trap them in pickle jars still full of pickles.* well now it is!!

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *pours some hot sauce in the jar and slaps a "gourmet ghost peppers" label on it*

*tosses the entire jar into the soup*

2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: *tests soup* still needs more dog. *throws in a stewing dog*

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: Your mom is a dog! *slam dunks your mom into the soup*

And that's why they call me Slam Dunk Jesus™.

2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: I thought you were Slam Dunk Satan. Guess not.

2018-07-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Speaking of slamming! 'MURICA FOURTH OF JULY!! EAGLES AND FALSE FREEDOM AND SHIT!

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: I used to be Home Run Allah, but I converted.

*a swarm of bald eagles (not to be confused with Bald Eagles, these are just pigeons with alopecia... and I lied about the eagles part...) fly in and start pecking Misty's so-called face*

2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: *applauds*

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *appalleds*

2018-07-05 [Yuriona]: appalacian?

2018-07-05 [Nuktae-tal]: Application denied!!

2018-07-05 [Pied Crow]: Pfft, scavengers...

*returns to eating animal crackers and stepping on people crackers*

2018-07-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't mock our beloved eagle friends. We here at Bob's Aviary and Unrelated Chicken Wing Restaurant respect all bi- *swats a condor out of the air with a tennis racket* FUCK OFF, PTERODACTYL! NOBODY LOVES YOU!

2018-07-06 [Nuktae-tal]: *cries* I loved him and now he is dead!!

2018-07-06 [Pied Crow]: Hey, noo, don't do that! The condor is somehow the phoenix!

Guys, we need to pool our money so we can hire mercenaries to protect the condor!

2018-07-08 [Mortified Penguin]: *the condor decomposes*

2018-07-09 [Pied Crow]: Failed. Guess we gotta do the fighting ourselves!

Which one of you is the wannabe hero?

2018-07-09 [Yuriona]: *points vaguely in a direction* That guy!

2018-07-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Why, it's Carlos! That junkie that sleeps in the alley and hassles kids on their way home from school for drug money!

*Carlos shoots up some pure Oxyclean and passes out on [Yuriona]'s car... heroically*

*meanwhile, the condor is just a pile of sun bleached bones on the counter*

Somebody turn down the lights...

2018-07-10 [Pied Crow]: Ooohh!! The car or the bird bones? Ah, I can't decide!

2018-07-10 [Pied Crow]: No, wait, I mean-- Legendary hero Carlooooos! You must defeat the MPK (Mortified Penguin King)!

...

Yeah, you!

2018-07-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Huh?! *rushes over and starts bashing Carlos's lifeless body/Yuri's car with a baseball bat*

2018-07-10 [Yuriona]: Hey! At least use a maple wood bat!

2018-07-11 [Pied Crow]: What! N-Nooooo!! Not the vehicle!!!

*embraces the condor's decaying bones for comfort!!!!*

2018-07-12 [Mortified Penguin]: 50 days until the end of the friscal year! Just enough time for Yuri to pick up the slack and stop being such a disappointment to me.

2018-07-12 [Mortified Penguin]: *angrily spits at [Yuriona]*

2018-07-12 [Yuriona]: *steps lazily to the left & dodges* But I enjoy being a disappointment!

2018-07-12 [Nuktae-tal]: I am posting for numbers, I'm trying

2018-07-12 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/53406/1531437841.jpg>

2018-07-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Try harder!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!

2018-07-13 [Pied Crow]: But the harder I try, the weirder the things I type out!

The world, it's... Got any codes?

2018-07-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Too weird. You disgust me. *spits at Yuriona again*

2018-07-13 [Yuriona]: *steps lazily to the right* I think perhaps I would be wise to don my rain gear. It seems to be spitting out. *starts looking for her umbrella and galoshes*

2018-07-14 [Pied Crow]: You're gonna get your Rain gear because it's spitting? Huh, l see, l see...

2018-07-14 [Yuriona]: What do you see?

2018-07-14 [Pied Crow]: Uhhhhhhh..... Something that isn't really there?

2018-07-15 [Nuktae-tal]: Aren't they the cutest!! I see them all the time!!

2018-07-15 [Pied Crow]: Yes, Nuktae-bird! They're such a cute copyrighted alien race!

2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: *bursts in and punts one of the aliens into the idling woodchipper in the kitchen*

Get back to work, this is a place of "business"!! Somebody sweep that wall! And mop that broom! And scrape all those invisible chunks off my woodchipper!! *points angrily at the shiny, pristine woodchipper*

2018-07-16 [Pied Crow]: How many times will you break my bird hearrrrt!?!

2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Lies! I've broken nothing! *angrily breaks a signed, framed portrait of Godzilla*

2018-07-16 [Pied Crow]: !!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, that probably means it'll be easier to steal. No one'll miss a broken portrait, kehehe.

2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: You'll never get this fake portrait! NEVER! *dives into the woodchipper*

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: Huh?! Not so fast!

*turns off the woodchi--*

... How do you turn off a woodchipper?

2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Just throw it in the woodchipper... AND CLEAN UP THOSE SHREDDED MORT CHUNKS!

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: My sensitive bird heart is heavy from these tragedies, but...all right. In there?

*tosses the woodchipper into the woodchi--*

... How do you turn on a woodchipper?!

2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Just plug it in and turn the throttle from turtle to rabbit to cheetah to cheetah with rocket boosters.

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: Well, I can't do it now, I've grown sleepy! Go sustain an endless cycle of woodchipper shredding yourself, this bird's takin' a nap!

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: By the way, have I mentioned I'm a bird?

2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Birds don't sleep, they're cold blooded. I don't think you know anything about birds.

2018-07-18 [Pied Crow]: Preposterous! You think I don't know anything about my own self?! I know when I've been insulted! I know when I've been insulted!!!

*hops off to address his crow's feet*

2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]: <img800*0:stuff/aj/92105/1531879600.jpg>

2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Project Wonderful died! There's no more ad space on Elftown for me to spam... :(

2018-07-18 [Nuktae-tal]: Phhffffff!!! Nnnooooo!! What spam?! That shit is delicious!

2018-07-18 [Pied Crow]: Ew, now we have to rely on Google ads and have our history tracked, or w'ever people are saying about them now.

2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Lies and slander! Not libel! Slander! As a self-proclaimed representative of Google, you better stop slandering my beloved company, IP Address 98.221.77.167! We would never secretly collect data on our loyal users!

*goes back to stealthily following Nuk in his Google Van*

*nobody seems to notice the large, conspicuous van driving slowly through the middle of the diner, occasionally running over customers*

2018-07-19 [Nuktae-tal]: You ever get that feeling... like a bird has pooped on you? *feeds wild macaw the special whilst it sits upon mine head*

2018-07-19 [Pied Crow]: Speak for yourself, Mort-bird! I always have my eyes on big, strong vehicles in places they don't belong!

*stares at the van's tires while completely neglecting the woodchipper/s*

2018-07-19 [Mortified Penguin]: *the van gets a flat tire from driving over a particularly sharp customer*

*abandons it and jumps into his spare helicopter stored in bathroom #16*

*covertly flies through the diner, occasionally decapitating unsuspecting customers*

(11h ago) [Pied Crow]: I'm pretty sure this is a trap to trick me into saying something regrettable...

 Preview 
Your name: Write JB here:

Number of comments: 40745
Older comments: (Last 200)

200 older comments
(0, 0-2038):

Show these comments on your site

Elftown - Wiki, forums, community and friendship. Sister-site to Elfwood