Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]
2017-10-18 18:31:57
# of watchers: 260
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Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]
.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,
ain't no place finer!
The food is good,
we're always in tha 'hood,
and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

<img:><img:><img:><img:> <img:><img:><img:><img:><img:>

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!
This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee
and the [pixish] art committee


by [Teufelsweib]

Show content


|Da menyou|


'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!



1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50
2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20
3. Hash Browns $1.00
4. Hash Greens $1.00
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00
6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50
7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50
8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25
9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)
10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50



1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19
2. hamburger & fries $4.00
3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24
4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00
6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99
7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82
8. La Ham and cheese $2.30
9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour
10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour
11. sirloin $6.00
12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00
13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99
14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00
15. fried Alley Gator $5.00
16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50
17. Poo Stew $2.25
18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50
19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25
20. Roasted n00b $4.00
21. Bloody Rock $1.50
22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75
23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50
24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12
25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50
26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00
27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00
28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50
29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!
31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75
32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25
33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00
34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00
35. Ground beef Carl $3.25
36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99
37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..
38. viagra pill $300
39. gobbler....?
40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00
41. hootchie cootchie $2.00
42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00
43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90
44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50
45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)
47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5
48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99
49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!
50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!
51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99



1. half a cracker $1,000,000
2. Bloody Rock $1.50
3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00
4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))
5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25
6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50
7. Cooked Sushi $4.50
8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01
9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))
10. Bowl of tears $.50
11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50
12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50
13. Corn on the toes $1.50
14. cooked sushi $2.00
15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER
16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy
17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1
17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])
19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]
20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00
21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)
22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.
23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.
24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00



1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10
2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....
3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75
4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone
5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50
6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! shipping and handling...
7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.
8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)
9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00
10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0
11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)
12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00
13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless



1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00
2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00
3. artichoke pie $1.50
4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75
5. Iced ice $0.50
6. Glazed rocks $0.75
7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00
8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75
9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00
10. "Cow Pie" $2.00
11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50
12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2
13. "apple sauce" $1
14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?
15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000
16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50
17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box
18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box
19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50
20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)
21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)



1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00
2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00
4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00
5. liquid lard $1.00
6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95
7. goat milk $1.00
8. watered down tea $1.00
9. Turkey Milk $1.00
10. A Pint of Blood $0.50
11. A Quart of Blood $1.00
12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50
13. Rat Milk $1.00
14. Snow Coco $1.00
15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)
16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound
17. A "booty" shake $6.66
18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.
19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick
20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)
21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00
22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie


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Staff Pics


FOUNDERS: [53406] and [Mortified Penguin]
MANAGER: [Nekko fox]
[Mortified Penguin]'s keeper: [Blvd. of broken dreams]
CHEF: [PixieStickChick] (Chef Steph)
BATHROOM JANITOR: [teddbear] (gotta start somewhere)
VICE MANAGER: [spitfire_35121] (or so he claims)
CASHIER: [Bringer of Nightmares](check your money twice if ya know what i mean)
FOOD TESTER: [silvermoon dragon]
WAITER: [leaving fo good] Im the type of waiter who nasty things if you're not nice to me (Wait, what?)
WAITRESS: [Lethan] (yes, I'm aware that it says 'Waitress' I just want to feel pretty...whats wrong with that!?)
BODY GUARD: [Rangers29]
PUBLICIST: [Blvd. of broken dreams] Make me a shirt I'll wear it!!!
HEAD MECHANIC: [Pillowthief]
CREDIT CARD CUTTER UPPER: [Pillowthief] (Yes, I have two jobs. I need the money!)
POLE DANCER: [Insaniac Yoshie]
CREATURE KEEPER: [53406] (Let go several years ago, but never told. Now holds the upstanding position of never sitting down. Get a job you bum!)
STRIPPER/ LAPDANCER: [~*~Tinkerbell~*~]
PROOFREADER: [nokaredes]
RAMEN SUPPLIER: [Imperator] (Assuming, of course, that those Guard Land Squids keep the peasants away from my imperial crops...)
THE PRODIGAL SON II---ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: [Paul Doyle] Just like how the otherwise useless Abominable had something to do when 'reformed' in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (he put the star at the top of the Christmas tree) one can only hope that reformed Pauly now has something to do. Do we hope . . . or do we care? *cough* *eats ramen*
SHERIFF: [Duke Devlin] <--- Self-elected, Bitches. ;D (What the...? This is a democracy!) True, but she's the only one that showed up to vote that day.
PERSON WHO LURKS IN THE SHADOWS AND STALKS [Mortified Penguin]: [~Crimson Angel~]
THE BRIBED HEALTH INSPECTOR: [twitchboy] "Everything looks great guys...Your sanitation score is a one long as my hotdog has extra Lettice on it."
THe ONE WHO STABS PEOPLE: [Alexi Ice] (love you?)
Occasional Bastard: [djxmonster]

Manager Poll:
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517) Who would make the best manager of Bob's Diner? (Administrator is private forum number -2493)

Number of voters: 260
Voting only open to members of private forum number -2493
a) [Pillowthief]
Number of votes: 137 (53%)

b) [Sagacious Turkey]
Number of votes: 32 (12%)

c) Mort again!
Number of votes: 27 (10%)

d) [spitfire_35121]
Number of votes: 9 (3%)

e) [Hedda] *cough* loser *cough*
Number of votes: 36 (14%)

f) [Nekko fox]
Number of votes: 3 (1%)

g) [Mortified Penguin]
Number of votes: 13 (5%)

h) [~Crimson Angel~]
Number of votes: 3 (1%)


You got served! At Bob's Diner that is!

Bob's Diner Status Report

All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].




26.6 cpd
10.6 cpd
08.4 cpd
15.5 cpd
11.8 cpd
07.9 cpd
14.4 cpd
04.7 cpd
02.7 cpd
02.1 cpd
01.1 cpd
00.5 cpd
01.1 cpd

Total Comments

Total Average
26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since B's D's Founding

Friscal Reports:
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   Friscal Report:


   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)

Bob's Diner's Top 75 Commenters and their total number of comments (updated as of 2014-05-20):
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B's D's comment history divided up by month (2004-08-31 to 2014-05-20):
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Total average comments for each month:
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All hits: <img:" alt="">

Unique Visits Only: <img:" alt="">

(as of 2014-05-22)
(as of 2015-06-16, THIS THING DOESN'T WORK RIGHT)

You got served! At Bob's Diner that is!   ☣   Maze of Guile   ☣   Some Unfinished Comics   ☣   Chess Tournament

by [Nezeb]


Bob's Badges
The Other Half
Bob's Diner before sunrose ruined it
Stuff Nobody Cares About


Username (or number or email):


2017-08-31 [~Crimson Angel~]:

I'm sorry Amebara can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause they're dead!



2017-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't joke about snakes like that.

2017-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Last day of the friscal year!

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: So

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: we

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: have

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: 22

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: hours

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: of

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: posts

2017-09-01 [Sheamus Finn]: left?

2017-09-01 [Sideways]: Disappointment awaits!

2017-09-01 xxBigL98xx: Hi, [@48441]: 

2017-09-01 xxBigL98xx:  

2017-09-01 xxBigLOSER93xx: I knew I hated the meme-moji. Forget it. I'll creep everyone out some other time.

2017-09-01 [Nuktae-tal]: HI! HELLO!

2017-09-01 [Nuktae-tal]: Hello?! yodel le he hoo?!

2017-09-01 [Nuktae-tal]: anyone there?

2017-09-03 [Mortified Penguin]: No! Stop asking!

2017-09-03 [Mortified Penguin]: I SAID STOP ASKING!! *assaults a small child asking if we have bathrooms*

2017-09-05 [Sagacious Turkey]: *comes strolling out of bathroom #3659*

Ahh, everything went smoothly.

*wipes his hands on Misty and continues strolling out into traffic*

2017-09-05 [Nuktae-tal]: *pushes Turkey in front of car.* so smooth

2017-09-07 [Sagacious Turkey]: HYUUHHH!! *grabs the oncoming car and hurls it into the sky*


2017-09-08 [Nuktae-tal]: *throws kitten at Turkey* CAT BUS!!! GOOOO!!! USE TACKLE!

2017-09-08 [Sagacious Turkey]: *the kitten hits the ground with a thud and lies motionless in the street*

Not cool, man. That kitten had a name! And dreams! And a family! And was already seasoned!

*kicks the kitten and storms off to the cat shed to grab another one and start the recipe over*

2017-09-08 [Nuktae-tal]: *throws puppy on grill* I got a few puppies over here too!

2017-09-09 [Avoral]: 0/10 worst cat ever, every cat I've ever thrown at someone has survived the impact

2017-09-10 [Nuktae-tal]: It's not the ingredients fault it's the kook!

2017-09-16 [Mortified Penguin]: *slaps the kook*


2017-09-17 [Nuktae-tal]: lllllllooooooooooollllllolololololololol * starts singing trololololol song*

2017-09-17 [Mortified Penguin]: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!

*grabs you by the throat*

(visual approximation, not to scale)

2017-09-17 [Nuktae-tal]: Lo- BLAGH!! *begans bleeding and spraying all over Mort* OLOLOLOLOL!!! BLARGGHH!!!

2017-09-17 Sub: Ooh, lizards grabbing throats? Grab mine next!

2017-09-18 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm not touching that thing, when's the last time you even washed your throat?!

*scrubs his claws down with "soap" and "water"*

2017-09-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *licks claws* Now they are dry as well!

2017-09-21 [Mortified Penguin]: But you're dead. I... I killed you.

2017-09-21 [Nuktae-tal]: *is zombie*

2017-09-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Then why are you wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy?

2017-09-24 [Nuktae-tal]: I have gender identity problems.

2017-09-25 [Mortified Penguin]: That checks out.

*goes back to stirring the soup*... *dunks a finger in and tastes it*... Huh, this soup tastes like fingers. Weird...

*several severed fingers float to the top of the soup*

Oh right, it was probably all those fingers I put in there.

2017-09-26 [Nuktae-tal]: *adds tongue* mm ffff huwah hadh

2017-09-26 [Mortified Penguin]: *smacks Nurka-der upside the head*

Go tend to table six, I think they're out of breadsticks and I can't handle anymore negative reviews on Yelp. *points at the booth with a dead homeless man in it*

2017-09-26 [Mortified Penguin]: And wipe down table seven, it hasn't been cleaned all day and we have customers waiting to be seated!

*angrily points at a booth with a severely decayed corpse wearing a "Happy New Year 2009" shirt*

*there is no one waiting to be seated*

Anyway, can I take your order, sir?

*there is no one ordering*

*writes down his order and hands it to the chef*

*there is no chef*

*there was never really even a diner, it was all just a dream*

*there was a cash register though*

*and table six still needs those breadsticks*

2017-09-26 [Sagacious Turkey]: First of all, *takes a bite out of a breadstick* we're out of breadsticks. And thirdly, you don't pay me enough to wait on these assholes who, by the way, NEVER TIP *glares at the corpses* and are always trying to sexually harass me! UGH!

*furiously rips up one of his daily wads of hundred dollar bills and storms into the Employee Olympic Pool & Spa &/or Whorehouse to get his fifth "massage" of the day to help "ease" his "stress"*

2017-09-28 [Nuktae-tal]: *fills corpses with snakes* Breadsticks refilled! *gives Turkey a "massage"*

2017-09-29 Cring: 'Eey, Lamar, I get it! They're snakes, and that rhymes with bakes, which is what you do with breadstick models when you add them to an Unreal game! You're so smart!

2017-09-29 Cring 2: Bake, cook, fry, same thing, shut up.

2017-09-29 [Nuktae-tal]: *ninja throw's breadsticks at Cringes.*

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: His name is Cring, not Cringes. *points at the sign on the wall that says, "No mocking people's names - THIS MEANS YOU, NUTCAKE-TOWEL!"*

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: And yeah, yeah, I'm getting around to fixing the friscal data, STOP RUSHING ME.

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: We're currently at an average of 1.6 comments per day this friscal year! Which is terrible. Clearly, I need to send out threatening spam messages again.

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810557.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810597.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810624.png>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810642.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810660.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1506810676.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810694.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810712.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1506810750.gif>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810773.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810800.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810855.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810876.png>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1506810928.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1506810977.jpg>

2017-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1506811194.gif>

2017-09-30 [Nuktae-tal]: OH

2017-09-30 [Nuktae-tal]: MY

2017-09-30 [Nuktae-tal]: LANTA!

2017-09-30 [Nuktae-tal]: I LOVE ALL OF THOSE!

2017-09-30 [Nuktae-tal]: EVERY SINGLE

2017-09-30 [Nuktae-tal]: ONE!

2017-10-01 [Mortified Penguin]: Racist.

2017-10-01 Seeee-Oh: Dude, I can place an ad on this page for free?! Shame my company died out last year.

2017-10-01 [Mortified Penguin]: Maybe you should have run your company more like Bob's Diner. You have to treat your employees and customers with love and care.

*smiles warmly as tons of happy customers start lining up to order our delicious, healthy food*

2017-10-02 [Nuktae-tal]: MY CABBAGES!!!! * waves arms frantically and foams at the mouth hysterically*

2017-10-02 Unhappy Customer: You may treat your employees and customers that way, but what about your food?! Do you truly feel those Godzilla Eggs like being on the menu!? They could've grown up to decimate densely populated cities, but you treat them like just another breakfast item! For shaaame!

2017-10-02 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't be ridiculous, they aren't fertilized, obviously. And what would you have me do, be culturally insensitive? You know those stupid nips like eating lizard eggs. DON'T YOU, CHING CHONG?! *smacks an Australian man upside the head, causing him to choke on his vegemite and kangaroo burrito*

2017-10-03 [Nuktae-tal]: The chickens will consume us allll!!!!!! * begins doom mongering*

2017-10-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *briefly looks up from his feed, before going back to pecking and scratching at the floor*

2017-10-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *pulls a worm out of the floorboards and chews it with his mighty bird teeth*

2017-10-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *slithers over on his powerful avian belly and hisses loudly before striking*

2017-10-03 Unhippy Consumer: If they're not fertilized, then where did my intact flesh go?! I am 99.98999% certain that intact flesh does not go places on its own, it needs outside help!

2017-10-03 [Mortified Penguin]: You never had intact flesh in the first place, just exposed muscles and sinews. Believe me, I would have noticed if you had flesh on when you walked in, I'm quite the flesh enthusiast and have a very impressive collection if I do say so myself. Now, if you're quite finished with your ridiculous, baseless accusations and rather rude bleeding on my carpet, I have a dance recital I must attend. HMPH! *slings his new, fresh flesh scarf over his shoulder and storms off into the freezer*

2017-10-04 [Nuktae-tal]: *locks the door and blare's screamo* Rock on party hard!

2017-10-04 Unhoppy Consummate: Mr. Peng, I know you're in there! I have new evidence that suggests..... -- *voice is drowned in the storm of loud music*

2017-10-05 [Nuktae-tal]: *shoots freezer with tommy gun old mob style* Say goodbye punks!

2017-10-05 [Mortified Penguin]: *walks out of the bathroom, licking his fingers*

The hell are you people doing to my freezer?

2017-10-05 [Nuktae-tal]: fixing it* smashed freezer with sledgehammer.*

2017-10-06 Unliving Considerate: *dead noises*

2017-10-06 [Nuktae-tal]: *throws hammer at Considerate* The confederates were better!?!?!?

2017-10-07 Uninviting Contour: Oh, God...! I'm dying...uh...!

2017-10-07 [Nuktae-tal]: I wanted to be invited! *throws toaster*

2017-10-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *grabs Undulating Confederate's spirit as it starts to exit the body and starts punching it in the face*


2017-10-07 [Nuktae-tal]: *spoons timeclock* I love the way you demand things *giggles as clock punches her out*

2017-10-09 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop fraternizing with my timeclock and get back to work, that soup isn't going to stir itself!

*points at the soup, but notices it has begun stirring itself*

Well, those tables certainly aren't going to clean themsel-

*one of the tables starts scrubbing itself down with a sponge*

Huh. I guess you're fired then.

2017-10-10 [Nuktae-tal]: *fraternizws with register next.* I love the way your drawer sticks!

2017-10-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Because you won't stop pouring syrup in it.

2017-10-12 [Nuktae-tal]: sssshhhhhh he likes it *pours in honey*

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: *shakes his head disapprovingly and rides away on his bicycle*


2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: *makes sandwiches in his office*


2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: And now the paper guillotine is jammed.

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Don't be ridiculous, that's clearly jelly.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: It's not clear, it's purple!

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: *throws out the pile of sandwiches and starts wrapping up the crusts to sell to customers at reasonable prices*

Psst, hey, kid... wanna buy some sandwich flavored crusts for two thousand dollars?

"No." "Yes!"

Here you go, little boy!

"WHY ARE YOU STABBING ME? OH GOD, WHY?!" "Wow, these sure are some delicious sandwich flavored crusts, mister!"

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: And that's why I didn't bring up the waste of crusts.

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: It's not really purple, just purple flavored.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: We don't waste food here at Bob's Cafe.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Is that better than grape-flavored? Or at least sweeter than yellow-flavored?

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Not on the customers, at least.

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yellow isn't a flavor. I told you to stop being ridiculous. If you're going to come barging in here and demand to be allowed to comment like this, you have to act a bit more reasonable.

*sensibly puts on his clown nose, sets fire to himself, and respectably cartwheels off into traffic*

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: TO HELL WITH THE CUSTOMERS!

*some customers angrily look up from the customer stuff they were doing*

Not you, I meant the other customers.

*they nod and return to their customer related business*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Neither is grape. The appropriate term is "ew".

And I didn't "barge in". My presence is court-ordered.

(You have plural customers?)

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Then whose barge is that?! *points at a towboat crashed halfway into the diner/cafe*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Bob's.

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Damn liar, the registration says the owner is named Robert.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Really? I thought that was the anchor's name?

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: No, no. That's Burgundy, I believe.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts collecting barnacles for his new Awful Tasting Barnacle Salad℠ (now served with a side of sea cucumber sandwiches... they taste alright, I guess)*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: But it's mauve!

*to Mort* Is there a Shell-free version and an Extra-Crunchy! version?

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: There is no shell-free version, unfortunately. We do have a Garden Slug Salad® though (now served with real garden slugs)!

*quickly hides a pile of empty snail shells in his desk drawer*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Aw. But I would have paid extra for Extra-Crunchy...

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: I suppose we could deep fry the salad to add a little extra crunch...

*dunks the salad bowl in the soup and pulls out a glorious, delicious, crispy, deep fried platter of onion rings*

Wait, that's not it...

*puts the onion rings back in the soup and pulls out a bowl of soggy, disgusting smelling salad, soaked in soup*

Here you are! *spits in the salad and throws it onto the floor*


2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Here's the tip: There's too much oil in that soup.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: But it's vegetable oil, so it's healthy.

*a passing diseased owl accidentally crash lands in the soup*

*it shrieks loudly and thrashes about for a few seconds, but quickly begins to melt and finally dissolves into the soup*

*slaps a "premium" label on the soup and raises the price by two dollars*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Well now there's too much owl in that soup.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: But it's vegetable owl, so it's healthy.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: But owls are carnivores.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Are you implying carnivals aren't healthy?!

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Of course not! I have a ferris wheel omelet every morning for breakfast.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: That's not possible... we don't serve ferris wheel omelets here...

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: I don't eat breakfast here. Just lunch.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: TRAITOR! And after all we've considered doing for you!!

*breaks down in tears and sobs mournfully while eating some ramen*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: The only thing you've considered doing is overcharging me on greasy barnacles.

2017-10-14 [Mortified Penguin]: There was an old lettuce core in there too, you know... *eats ramen*...

2017-10-14 [ancienteye]: Slimy and greasy, then. My apologies.

2017-10-14 [Nuktae-tal]: WHAT?! WHAT>?! WHAT!>>?

2017-10-14 [ancienteye]: Would you like to try the barnacle salad?

2017-10-14 [Nuktae-tal]: Can I have a Clam Bake instead? Just the shells though none of that gross stuff inside.

2017-10-14 [Delta Operator]: It seems we are requested to make small donations to the Bob's Diner economy. Here's my two cents. BYE!

2017-10-15 [Sideways]: Christ on a bicycle, the spam!!!

2017-10-15 [ancienteye]: I didn't know they served spam here.

2017-10-15 [General]: This shit is so annoying. -.-;

2017-10-15 [Nuktae-tal]: Fried spam with eggs and toast!!

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Spam? There's no spam here, this is an institute of higher learning, not some greasy dive.

*adjusts his teaching spectacles*

Anyway, as I was lecturing, when taking the derivative of a composite of functions, you have to use the chain rule...

*starts whipping [General] with a large chain*


2017-10-15 [Sagacious Turkey]: *speaks up from the back of the classroom*

When are we getting to the power rule...?

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: *menacingly holds up a power saw*

SOON. But do take notes, this will be on the exam.

*chain whips the pen and paper out of [Delta Operator]'s hands*


2017-10-15 [Sagacious Turkey]: Man, I hate this class... school is for losers...

*angrily carves swastika dicks into his desk*

"Please stop! I'm not a desk!!"

*kicks the old man he's sitting on top of in the ribs with his spurs*

*continues carving swastika dicks as his desk simply sobs*

2017-10-15 [Sideways]: Sir, I don’t think a power saw is necessary to cut spam. Maybe it’s not tender enough for a fork, but I am pretty sure a common table knife will serve.

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: The British police already came through and rounded up all our common (as well as uncommon) table knives, so now we should all be a lot safer. Now please sit your acid burned face back down and pay attention, because I'm not going to repeat myself. I SAID I'M NOT GOING TO REPEAT MYSELF.

*three cars crash into the classroom and some tanned Brits start heroically passing out free acid samples*

2017-10-15 [Hedda]: I fixed the polls... They still don't have questions though :P

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: I mainly just like the aesthetics, they don't need no fancy questions or answers.

2017-10-15 [Emily June]: I wish to unsubscribe to Bob's Weekly Mailing List, even though I'll miss out on all sorts of amazing deals! Just kidding, don't opt me out, I wish to receive even more updates, because I just can't get enough of Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet! Now starting at only $4.7 million! WARNING: Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet may not be food, but rather a stack of corpses and silverware that we wanted to get rid of. It's still probably worth the price though.

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: You have now been unsubscribed to Bob's Weekly Mailing List and instead been signed up for Bob's Tri-Weekly Mailing List! It's basically the same thing as our weekly mailing list, but it sends the same thing five times a week. The "tri-weekly" part is just a lie.

2017-10-15 [Nuktae-tal]: I love lie's !! They are educational and delicious!

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1508167006.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1508167035.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1508167064.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1508167089.png>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1508167108.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Clearly, I need to spam more. *starts working on B's D ads 13-600*

2017-10-16 [Sideways]: <img:stuff/aj/181888/1508168658.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I love this place!! *sits in a box*

2017-10-16 [Nuktae-tal]: And! I like spam too! *opens spam can and licks it*

2017-10-17 [Yuriona]: You're lucky to have that cardboard box! We only had a paper bag and it had a tear up one side!

And no more spam for me please. I'm quite full up thank you.

2017-10-17 [Sideways]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/181888/1508283066.jpg>

2017-10-17 [Sideways]: <img:stuff/aj/181888/1508283176.jpg>

2017-10-18 An Allosaurus' Bicuspid: An Elftown ad on Elftown. Good marketing strategies here.

2017-10-18 [Mortified Penguin]: You didn't use the proper cancellation phrase, Yuriona. Unfortunately, this means I'll have to sign you up for Bob's Nonstop Spamming, Threatening, and Sexual Harassment mailing list. Please give Paco your home address, so he knows where to start mailing my hair.

2017-10-18 [Mortified Penguin]: And Bob's Diner isn't associated with Elftown. We're basically an independent city state with our own laws. Also, slavery. And we have no age of consent either.

2017-10-18 [Yuriona]: Noted. That just means I have to track down and ban every single freaking clone house you have... wait, that's most of the active members here now isn't it?

2017-10-18 [Sideways]: I heard you hired a recently deposed Hollywood studio mogul for the sexual harassment department


2017-10-19 [rBob'sDine]: ha

2017-10-19 [erBob'sDin]: ha

2017-10-19 [nerBob'sDi]: ha 

2017-10-19 [inerBob'sD]: ha 

2017-10-19 [DinerBob's]: ha  

2017-10-19 [sDinerBob']: ha

2017-10-19 ['sDinerBob]: ha

2017-10-19 [b'sDinerBo]: ha 

2017-10-19 [ob'sDinerB]: ha

2017-10-19 [Bob'sDiner]: ha  

2017-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't ban those clones, they're my friends. And also I like doing this with them:


But I can make infinite clones you know, what with the whole invite system giving me infinite invite links:

2017-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Besides, I need my clones, because people keep trying to block all my invites for some reason and I have to send them from different houses. It's really annoying.

2017-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: I would advertise for the other branches, but I've always secretly hated them for their success.

Also, I'm pretty sure linkmeet has one too... and that other Heddate site... *eats ramen*...

2017-10-19 [Yuriona]: Nothing better than the original. :P

2017-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Except maybe McDonald's. Have you heard about their new buttermilk chicken tenders? With the power of milk and butter combined, chicken has never tasted so edible! Now with 15% less woody fibers and chicken bones! I'm lovin' it!

*quietly takes a large roll of cash from a grotesque, shadowy, hooded clown figure*

*after getting paid by Misty's whore mother he's pimping out, Mort then accepts a bribe from a McDonald's spokesperson*

2017-10-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *smiles obliquely*

2017-10-20 [Yuriona]: I'm not sure they're available here in Canada. I live out in the sticks and don't get to McDonalds very often. (Our KFC's don't even have mashed potatoes or grits!)

2017-10-20 [Mortified Penguin]: But without mashed potatoes, how do they make their KFC® Famous Bowl?!


2017-10-21 [Sideways]: It’s a great big pigslop bowl of sadness

2017-10-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Thank you for endorsing Bob's® Great Big Pigslop Bowl of Sadness, but we're not nearly as good as KFC and we use pigslop instead of chicken.

(12h ago) [Nuktae-tal]: and sadness instead of potatoes!

(8h ago) [Sagacious Turkey]: And wood shavings instead of cheese!

(8h ago) [Sagacious Turkey]: *whittles a wooden shiv in case of Misty attacks*

*on second thought, goes ahead and whittles a glass shiv too... just in case*

(5h ago) Not a Clone: Why does the logo for Elfpack look like a lizard? More importantly, is it a lizard I can meet?

(5h ago) Really!: I'd ask over there, but I prefer to contribute to the one that's actually doing well!

(33min ago) [Sideways]: Hey, Mort... what’s “Fiscal” mean? I’ve never heard of that word before.

Your name: Write HK here:

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