26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy
2018-04-21 [Nuktae-tal]: All I know is I rear ended a guy and my trunk got messed up... my junk fell out then the anaconda stole my buns hun!
2018-04-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Uh huh, uh huh. Of course. This all definitely adds up... *slowly reaches for his Employee Motivation Hammer*
2018-04-21 [Sagacious Turkey]: Just use the machete, I'm trying to do repairs here.
*goes back to hammering a railroad spike into a random segment of drywall*... *keeps hammering until the entire wall is nothing but a fine powder on the floor*...
*wipes his brow and takes a long swig off his bottle of Windex before taking the hammer to the floor*
2018-04-21 [Nuktae-tal]: Hahaha
2018-04-22 [Pied Crow]: Oh, Penguin-Bird? I want your Eragon comic finished so I can see how you draw dragons. Chop-chop! Stomp-stomp!
2018-04-22 [~Crimson Angel~]: How red is the rose
How deep is the well
Your feet are like flowers
'Cause boy do they smell!
2018-04-22 [Nuktae-tal]: no poetry allowed in here what does this look like a jam session! * throws jam jar at crimson*
2018-04-22 [Sheamus Finn]: Looks at his drum then lights it on fire....Neverm
2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *hundreds of ants start swarming the jam on the floor*
Do you want anteaters? Because this is how you get anteaters.
*goes back to not drawing anything ever again, not even conclusions or breaths*
2018-04-22 [Pied Crow]: You wouldn't stop drawing even blood, too, would you?!
2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *already died like four hours ago and can't respond*... *eats ramen*...
2018-04-22 [Nuktae-tal]: *puts anteater in his ramen that is also filled with ants* This will fix it.
2018-04-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *takes an antacid*
2018-04-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *Mort gains 1xp*
What's this?! Mort is evolving!
*Mort grows a second arm*
Finally! Two of these things!
*eats ramen with both arms*
2018-04-23 [Sheamus Finn]: Hold it, Penguin with two arms? doesn't that make him a matre d?
2018-04-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *slaps you with both hands at the same time*
Yes. Go bus table seven.
*tosses you the keys to the bus*
2018-04-25 [Pied Crow]: Caaaw, caawwww!!!
*gives the truck a talon massage*
2018-04-25 [Mortified Penguin]: STOP YELLING, THIS IS A LIBRARY!!!
*spits at Misty*
The fuck is this?! Mort is devolving!
*Mort's second arm shrivels up and falls off*
2018-04-25 [Mortified Penguin]: *throws the arm at Nuk*
Deliver that steak to table 89.
*points at a group of school children reading quietly by the non-fiction section*
2018-04-25 [Pied Crow]: I think I'm done giving the truck a new rim job, Boss. Is it good?
2018-04-26 [~Crimson Angel~]:
2018-04-26 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, yeah. Now toss Misty's flower salad, all the croutons are on one side.
2018-04-26 [Nuktae-tal]: I personally love crust on the side
2018-04-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: *looks up from studying his textbook by the non-fiction section*
Hey, where the hell is that steak I ordered?!
2018-04-27 [~Crimson Angel~]:
2018-04-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: Th-this isn't an arm... what the hell kind of library serves tree byproducts?!
*kicks over a shelf full of books*
I'm so pissed off, I'm only leaving a 75% tip... *starts angrily counting out hundred dollar bills*
2018-04-28 [Nuktae-tal]: You need another one you miscounted *points over the Turkey's shoulder*
2018-04-30 [Pied Crow]: Hmmm... Ah-ha! *swoops in to steal the "steak"*
2018-04-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *swats you out of the air with a broom*
2018-05-01 [Pied Crow]: Cawwwww!!?
*exits the air and arrives at the floor*
2018-05-01 [Nuktae-tal]: My air!!
2018-05-02 [Pied Crow]: Yes! Do you like your air cut up into fine squares?
2018-05-02 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts slicing the air up into squares*
"Please stop! I'm a customer, not air!!"
SHUT THE HELL UP, I DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM AIR. Anyway, someone deliver this order of refried gizzards to the air at table 1, he's been waiting for nearly two minutes now.
*points at an empty table and goes back to slicing customers*
2018-05-02 [Pied Crow]: What's a gizzard? It sounds like lizard...!
*looks it up*
2018-05-03 [Sheamus Finn]: I thought a gizzard was a geezer wizard....
2018-05-03 [Mortified Penguin]: No, that's a Weezer.
*eats Pork and Beans*
2018-05-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Fun fact: Birds eat gravel to fill up their (succulent) gizzards! And also, because that's all I feed them.
*points at a pile of broken bird bones underneath a massive limestone block*
2018-05-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Nice... bird bones. *strokes sensually*
2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Shut up and eat your gravel, so you can grow up to be a big, strong skeleton!
2018-05-06 [Sagacious Turkey]: There, that should be enough for me to take the next six months off. *raids the fridge in the break room*
*absconds with a large suitcase labeled, "Misty's lunch - DO NOT STEAL"*
2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Cut that out, you're offending our Jewish customers! *points at a hideous lizard monster feeding on Tiny Tim in the corner*
2018-05-06 [Nuktae-tal]: You forgot you toothpick! *Whacks Mort with Tim's stick.*
2018-05-06 [~Crimson Angel~]:
2018-05-06 [Pied Crow]: Noo, don't do that, you cute lizard! Eat me instead, I'm loud and annoying! It'll be cathartic!
2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Try to lure it over with some shekels, that usually works.
2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: *suddenly realizes he has a crutch lodged in his skull*
WHAT THE HELL?!
*suddenly forgets he has a crutch lodged in his skull*
*goes back to absorbing ramen through his pores*
2018-05-06 [Nuktae-tal]: HELL THE WHAT!?
2018-05-06 [Sheamus Finn]: THE HELL WHAT!!?
2018-05-06 [Nuktae-tal]: ?!?!?! WHAT HELL THE
2018-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: THE WHAT HELL!?!?
2018-05-09 [Sagacious Turkey]:
2018-05-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Comment average dropping...!!
*throws Misty at a harpoon*
2018-05-11 [Mortified Penguin]: SHUT UP, REFRIGERATOR! *slaps Sheamu*
*opens his door and takes out a cold, refreshing Dr. Pibb (he finally got that degree)*
2018-05-11 [Pied Crow]: So, is the diner coming back soon? I'd appreciate it if you could waste your time restoring the page so I can ignore the whole thing and scroll directly to the bottom.
2018-05-11 [Mortified Penguin]: NO.
2018-05-11 [Pied Crow]: I'll have some tea, please! Oh, and don't forget the lard!
2018-05-12 [Mortified Penguin]: We don't serve your kind here! We do serve pigeons though. *points at a platter of freshly boiled, unseasoned pigeon legs being eaten by a fine, upstanding pigeon gentleman*
2018-05-13 [Sheamus Finn]: Silence of the Pigeons?
2018-05-13 [Mortified Penguin]: I mean, it would be appreciated. I had to kick the seagulls out, because they wouldn't stop screeching. *points at another platter of pigeon legs*
2018-05-14 [Nuktae-tal]: Caw caw motherfuckers! *shots pigeon gentlemen*
2018-05-15 [Pied Crow]: Hey, what?! Who approved of this!?
2018-05-23 [Nuktae-tal]: I like your face!!
2018-05-23 [Nuktae-tal]: Like a whole lot! Not like a jews!
2018-05-24 [Nuktae-tal]: *just as angrily catches all the money and shoves it down pants.* hey now! What is all this grass?!
2018-05-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: It's been quiet here...
*a swarm of owls comes crashing in through the stained glass bay window and starts hooting loudly and attacking customers*
*a pack of rabid wolves comes crashing up through the floorboards, howling noisily and eating the faces off of terrified customers*
*the wolves begin leaping through the air, battling the screeching owls as many dying and bleeding customers scream in pain and horror*
*shrugs and goes back to not changing the batteries in his hearing aids or even his battery powered glasses*
2018-05-24 [Mortified Penguin]: SHUT THE HELL UP!! *punches one of the wolves out of the air mid-flight*
HEDDA IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING HILARIOUS ANY MINUTE NOW.
*the wolves and owls all quietly take their seats and twiddle their thumbs expectantly*
2018-05-24 [Mortified Penguin]: NO LOITERING! EITHER ORDER SOMETHING OR GET THE HELL OUT!
*bashes an old man eating a sandwich he ordered in the head with a baseball bat*
2018-05-25 [Pied Crow]: But...it takes a lot of finesse to order a sandwich inside the head using a baseball bat. That's not deserving of a bash!
2018-05-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Say, I haven't seen you order nothing lately... *strokes his bat menacingly*
2018-05-26 [Nuktae-tal]: *is stroked bu Mort instead*
2018-05-26 [Pied Crow]: Haven't seen nothing? Right. I'll be a good bird.
Yes, I'd like to order a plate of nothing? For here, please.
2018-05-27 [Mortified Penguin]: Sorry, we're fresh out of plates. Would a bowl of nothing suffice?
2018-05-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: Heh heh, suckers... I'll make millions selling these stolen plates on the black market. You rubes... you fools... you stupid, stupid f- *trips over a wet floor sign and breaks his neck on a second wet floor sign mere feet away*
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *rushes over and picks up Turkey's dying body*
No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!
*starts punching his face repeatedly*
I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!
*starts choking him as well*
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts coughing up blood*
You... you did it... you saved me.
*smiles weakly and gives a final thumbs up, before collapsing in a pool of his own blood surrounded by dozens upon hundreds of wet floor signs*
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Oh no. Nnooo. He has died. Alas, I am morose. Alack and such.
*puts up an additional wet floor sign and goes back to eating some ramen*
2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: Yeah, poor Yorick... May he someday stop kicking his skull away from himself.
2018-05-29 [Pied Crow]: What, oh, right, I detest having a bowl for my nothing! Don't you at least have a platter or something? I'll pay extra, but not too extra!
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: The heck are you talking about? This is a funeral home. Have some respect for the dead, jerk. *goes back to sweeping up all the skulls lying around*
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yeah! I get no respect here, I tell ya! No respect at all! AND TAKE THAT HAT OFF! *rips Misty's hair off her scalp and crawls back into his coffin*
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: I tell ya, no respect! Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch! Then he told me I was crazy. I asked for a second opinion and he said, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."
2018-05-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive! He told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed my other foot to the ground! No respect!
2018-05-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Shh... no more tears, only sleep now... *forces the casket shut and wheels it out into traffic*
2018-05-29 [Yuriona]: Today's Special: Turkey Road Kill Surprise!
2018-05-30 [Nuktae-tal]: It's okay now everyone! I'm back! *bursts through door*
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: My favorite door!!
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Nuk out of the way and picks up the door's dying body*
No! NO! You can't die like this, I won't let you!
*starts punching its face repeatedly*
I'LL SAVE YOU! JUST HANG ON!
*starts choking it as well*
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: It's not breathing! *starts doing chest compressions and blowing into the keyhole*
2018-05-30 [Pied Crow]: It's okay, Nuktae-talon. I like people who come back.
2018-05-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Cro out of the way*
MOVE IT, I NEED TO-
Wait... huh, I can't remember what it is I even needed over here...
*shoves Cro back into position*
2018-06-02 [Nuktae-tal]: At least some people appreciate tardiness *sniffs cocaine*
2018-06-04 [Mortified Penguin]: MY DANDRUFF COLLECTION!
2018-06-06 [Pied Crow]: Can someone point us in the direction of the WC?
2018-06-06 [Yuriona]: That way... *points vaguely in the direction of the broom closet*
2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: The mop bucket is clogged and hasn't been flushed in a few years though.
2018-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: We also don't have running water. We do have toilet paper though. *points at a single, used napkin chained to the counter*
There's also the bidet, if you're fancy. *points at Misty*
2018-06-07 [Pied Crow]: Thanks, that's okay. I only need somewhere to eat.
*enters the closet, shuts the door, and begins eating his lunch*
2018-06-07 [The Bohemian Pixie]: Oohh bidet. Faaaancy.
2018-06-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, but it's pretty busted up from excessive use. You gotta whack it real hard to get it to start working.
2018-06-08 [Nuktae-tal]: *whacks Mort* nothing is happening. *uses sledge hammer on mort*
2018-06-08 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop denting that sledge hammer on my skull, it's a rental!!
2018-06-09 [Sheamus Finn]: Hey, when did we get the "I" back? And has that hole always been in the roof?
2018-06-10 [Nuktae-tal]: Yup always. *star bathes*
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go, I just spammed a bunch of gullible suckers elsewhere on the internet. Now surely we'll get tons of new commenters! TONS!
2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: I ate 2 popsicles but I lied and told my GF that I only ate one. She asked why there were 2 missing and I just slowly grinned and said "I doooon't knoooow...".
2018-06-10 [Pied Crow]: What? New people?!
*now using the closet to hide*
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You, squid slut, start washing those dishes. *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*
And you, other rube with a whore girlfriend, start frying up some meth, I'm trying to run a business here and we have hungry customers waiting! *points at a pile of [Pillowthief]'s bones in the sink*
AND YOU, CROW! *drags him out of the closet by the scruff of his beak* PUT A HAIRNET ON YOUR BEAK, IT'S TOO SCRUFFY!
2018-06-10 [Yuriona]: I wasn't one of the rubes so now I feel left out. *pouts & kicks the mop bucket*
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: You'll always be a rube to me, dear Yuri. All those memories... that time you told me to stop spamming people. That other time you told me to stop spamming people. And even that time you told me to seriously stop spamming people for real this time! Good times. I'll always have a special place for you near my heart. *violently crams Yuri into his shirt pocket along with his can of chewing tobacco*
2018-06-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: I once ate three popsicles and told my girlfriend we didn't even have any popsicles. Then she started grilling me with all these questions like, "Who the hell are you?! How did you get in my house?! Did you eat my dog?!" so I shoved that uppity skank in front of a bus and went back to eating popsicles to make them stop barking at me.
2018-06-10 slamdunkjesus: *washes hands thoroughly* The secret ingredient is my meth recipe is Like! I find that most people find Love too spicy, so I've been using Like.
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, sure. I usually just cut it with salt and broken glass, but that works too, I guess.
2018-06-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Then you should definitely try our New Cigarette Butt Salad! The cigarette butts are actually really old, it's just that the concept of our used ash trays being a salad is new.
2018-06-11 [Pied Crow]: Uh, right, sir!
*gets tangled up in a butterfly net*
2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Much better. *shoves you back into the closet and locks the door*
Wait, why does our broom closet have a lock on the outside?! *shrugs and starts pouring gasoline under the door*
2018-06-12 [Pied Crow]: Ahhh... It smells like a running truck in here~!
2018-06-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Strange.
*goes back to mudding in the kitchen, in his new Ford Velociraptor*
2018-06-14 [Nuktae-tal]: *screech!!! Hissss* *breaks shot with my dino tail*
2018-06-14 [Pied Crow]: Huh? Hey!! Lemme out of here! I hear truck and dino sounds!!
2018-06-15 [Mortified Penguin]: You're just imagining things. Nothing fun going on out here.
*ramps his dino off a huge ramp in the middle of the diner and does a bunch of totally awesome flips, while throwing wads of cash everywhere and shooting off fireworks*
*the raptor flips too close to the ceiling and is decapitated by the ceiling fan*
CHEAP PIECE OF JUNK! *angrily kicks the giant lizard's corpse*
2018-06-16 [Pied Crow]: Oh... Well, if you say so...
*returns to ruining the butterfly net*
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We've fallen to an average of only 4.777777777777
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Great, now I have to come up with some more spamming schemes to trick dumb people into posting here over the next 76 days. I briefly considered being nice and positive and not calling people rubes, suckers, and filthy kike whores, but then thought better of it.
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Lemme see if threats work...
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: Perhaps if we tell them we have puppies?
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: And if they don't comment....
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: We will deep fry them and feed the to starving children?
2018-06-16 [Sheamus Finn]: BTW, my 4 of 4.7 comments for the day.....
2018-06-16 [Mortified Penguin]: We tried blackmailing people by threatening puppies back in 2004, but I think the guards put a stop to it for some reason.
2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I'll have a butterscotch birch beer!!
2018-06-16 [Nuktae-tal]: *screeches again and dino stops around*
2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: *slams down his stein of ale in contempt*
You disgust me! This is a place of business, have some respect for the job!
*angrily chugs the rest of his stein, takes a hit off his crack pipe, and goes back to picking lice out of his pubes behind the register and flicking them at customers*
2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Maybe we can start a chess tournament? I've seen people sign up for those! But...I've not seen anyone play chess in years...
2018-06-17 [Pied Crow]: Anyway, Nuktae-saur! My silly bird head is free for you to stop around on!
2018-06-17 [Mortified Penguin]: A Chess Tournament? Ridiculous! But even though I offered a $50 Amazon card to the winner, nobody ever showed up! And they didn't even know I was going to rig it, so I would never have to pay up!
*tosses the B in the deep fryer*
2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]:
A comment was unintentionall
2018-06-17 [Sagacious Turkey]: Here, I'll post some unrelated images to make up for the traumatizing loss of what I'm sure was an amazing, hilarious comment...
2018-06-18 [Nuktae-tal]: MY BEAUTIFUL COMMENT!!!! *SOB SOB* ooh funny pictures!*
2018-06-18 [Pied Crow]: I guess I'll get my silly bird head stopped...anot
2018-06-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *bashes your head in with a stop sign*
"Hey! Where'd you get that stop sign?!"
Oh, uh... I brought this from home, officer...
*he nods and goes back to eating his bowl of grass and used Band-AIDS*
*the sound of crashing cars can be heard outside, but that's probably unrelated to any of my various felonies*
2018-06-19 [Nuktae-tal]: *Dino Stops all over the Stop sign*
2018-06-19 [Pied Crow]: D...Diiiinoooo