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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]
2018-02-21 18:06:36
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Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.


a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]
.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,
ain't no place finer!
The food is good,
we're always in tha 'hood,
and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

<img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/o.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/s.gif> <img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/d.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/i.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/n.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/e.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/r.gif>


As seen in [iippo]'s diary!
This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee
and the [pixish] art committee



<img:http://elftown.com/stuff/aj/44884/1414522632.png>
by [Teufelsweib]
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Menu:
Show content


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|Da menyou|


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'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'
 

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

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Breakfast


1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50
2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20
3. Hash Browns $1.00
4. Hash Greens $1.00
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00
6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50
7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50
8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25
9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)
10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

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Lunch



1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19
2. hamburger & fries $4.00
3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24
4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00
6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99
7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82
8. La Ham and cheese $2.30
9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour
10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour
11. sirloin $6.00
12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00
13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99
14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00
15. fried Alley Gator $5.00
16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50
17. Poo Stew $2.25
18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50
19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25
20. Roasted n00b $4.00
21. Bloody Rock $1.50
22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75
23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50
24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12
25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50
26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00
27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00
28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50
29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!
30.
31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75
32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25
33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00
34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00
35. Ground beef Carl $3.25
36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99
37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..
38. viagra pill $300
39. gobbler....?
40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00
41. hootchie cootchie $2.00
42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00
43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90
44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50
45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)
47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5
48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99
49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!
50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!
51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

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Appetizers


1. half a cracker $1,000,000
2. Bloody Rock $1.50
3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00
4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))
5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25
6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50
7. Cooked Sushi $4.50
8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01
9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))
10. Bowl of tears $.50
11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50
12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50
13. Corn on the toes $1.50
14. cooked sushi $2.00
15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER
16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy
17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1
17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])
19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]
20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00
21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)
22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.
23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.
24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

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Dinner


1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10
2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....
3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75
4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone
5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50
6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...
7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.
8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)
9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00
10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0
11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)
12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00
13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

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Dessert


1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00
2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00
3. artichoke pie $1.50
4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75
5. Iced ice $0.50
6. Glazed rocks $0.75
7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00
8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75
9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00
10. "Cow Pie" $2.00
11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50
12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2
13. "apple sauce" $1
14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?
15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000
16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50
17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box
18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box
19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50
20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)
21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

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Drinks


1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00
2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00
4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00
5. liquid lard $1.00
6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95
7. goat milk $1.00
8. watered down tea $1.00
9. Turkey Milk $1.00
10. A Pint of Blood $0.50
11. A Quart of Blood $1.00
12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50
13. Rat Milk $1.00
14. Snow Coco $1.00
15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)
16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound
17. A "booty" shake $6.66
18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.
19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick
20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)
21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00
22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie


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Staff:
Show content

Staff
Staff Pics


<img:http://www.animatedgif.net/business/side_nowhiring1a_e0.gif>


FOUNDERS: [53406] and [Mortified Penguin]
MANAGER: [Nekko fox]
[Mortified Penguin]'s keeper: [Blvd. of broken dreams]
CHEF: [PixieStickChick] (Chef Steph)
BATHROOM JANITOR: [teddbear] (gotta start somewhere)
VICE MANAGER: [spitfire_35121] (or so he claims)
CASHIER: [Bringer of Nightmares](check your money twice if ya know what i mean)
BAR STOOL TIGHTENER: [hellraiser]
FOOD TESTER: [silvermoon dragon]
WAITER: [leaving fo good] Im the type of waiter who nasty things if you're not nice to me (Wait, what?)
WAITRESS: [Lethan] (yes, I'm aware that it says 'Waitress' I just want to feel pretty...whats wrong with that!?)
BODY GUARD: [Rangers29]
PUBLICIST: [Blvd. of broken dreams] Make me a shirt I'll wear it!!!
OUR HOOKER... UH, I MEAN, BUTCHER: [sara(:]
STRAW CLEANER: [Leelo]
CO ASSISTANT ROCK POLISHER: [Acidic Khemica]
HEAD MECHANIC: [Pillowthief]
CREDIT CARD CUTTER UPPER: [Pillowthief] (Yes, I have two jobs. I need the money!)
POLE DANCER: [Insaniac Yoshie]
"POOPER SCOOPER":[Useless]
CREATURE KEEPER: [53406] (Let go several years ago, but never told. Now holds the upstanding position of never sitting down. Get a job you bum!)
STRIPPER/ LAPDANCER: [~*~Tinkerbell~*~]
PROOFREADER: [nokaredes]
RAMEN SUPPLIER: [Imperator] (Assuming, of course, that those Guard Land Squids keep the peasants away from my imperial crops...)
THE PRODIGAL SON II---ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: [Paul Doyle] Just like how the otherwise useless Abominable had something to do when 'reformed' in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (he put the star at the top of the Christmas tree) one can only hope that reformed Pauly now has something to do. Do we hope . . . or do we care? *cough* *eats ramen*
THAT DRUNK WHO ROLLS IN AROUND MIDDAY AND TALKS TO THE SALT SHAKERS AND NEVER ORDERS ANYTHING: [Thunder Cid]
TOILET BRUSH BRUSHER: [timmyT]
SHERIFF: [Duke Devlin] <--- Self-elected, Bitches. ;D (What the...? This is a democracy!) True, but she's the only one that showed up to vote that day.
INTERROBANGER OF [Mortified Penguin]/ CLEANER OF RAT TRAPS (WHICHEVER COMES FIRST)
PERSON WHO LURKS IN THE SHADOWS AND STALKS [Mortified Penguin]: [~Crimson Angel~]
THE BRIBED HEALTH INSPECTOR: [twitchboy] "Everything looks great guys...Your sanitation score is a one hundred....as long as my hotdog has extra Lettice on it."
THe ONE WHO STABS PEOPLE: [Alexi Ice] (love you?)
Occasional Bastard: [djxmonster]


Manager Poll:
Show content

517) Who would make the best manager of Bob's Diner? (Administrator is private forum number -2493)

Number of voters: 260
Voting only open to members of private forum number -2493
a) [Pillowthief]
Number of votes: 137 (53%)

b) [Sagacious Turkey]
Number of votes: 32 (12%)

c) Mort again!
Number of votes: 27 (10%)

d) [spitfire_35121]
Number of votes: 9 (3%)

e) [Hedda] *cough* loser *cough*
Number of votes: 36 (14%)

f) [Nekko fox]
Number of votes: 3 (1%)

g) [Mortified Penguin]
Number of votes: 13 (5%)

h) [~Crimson Angel~]
Number of votes: 3 (1%)




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JOIN BOB'S DINER!!!
You got served! At Bob's Diner that is!
^<img:img/photo/53406_1094344924.jpg>^
The members page is kinda pointless nowadays and only detracts from the comment section...












Bob's Diner Status Report

All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].

       

Year
04/05
05/06
06/07
07/08
08/09
09/10
10/11
11/12
12/13
13/14
14/15
15/16
16/17


Comments
9709
3870
3065
5676
4309
2879
5259
1697
0984
0756
0394
0177
0384


Average
26.6 cpd
10.6 cpd
08.4 cpd
15.5 cpd
11.8 cpd
07.9 cpd
14.4 cpd
04.7 cpd
02.7 cpd
02.1 cpd
01.1 cpd
00.5 cpd
01.1 cpd



Total Comments
09709
13579
16644
22320
26666
29545
34804
36501
37484
38240
38634
38839
39223



Total Average
26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy


Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report


Since The End of the Last Friscal Year


Since B's D's Founding


Friscal Reports:
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   Next Friscal Report:

Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.




   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.




   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)


This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)




Bob's Diner's Top 75 Commenters and their total number of comments (updated as of 2014-05-20):
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B's D's comment history divided up by month (2004-08-31 to 2014-05-20):
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Total average comments for each month:
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All hits: <img:http://cc.amazingcounters.com/counter.php?i=3171805&c=9515728" alt="AmazingCounters.com">

Unique Visits Only: <img:http://cc.amazingcounters.com/counter.php?i=3171806&c=9515731" alt="AmazingCounters.com">

(as of 2014-05-22)
(as of 2015-06-16, THIS THING DOESN'T WORK RIGHT)








You got served! At Bob's Diner that is!   ☣   Maze of Guile   ☣   Some Unfinished Comics   ☣   Chess Tournament



<img300*0:http://elftown.com/stuff/aj/174676/1434424005.png>
by [Nezeb]


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2018-01-15 [Nuktae-tal]: I'm a people too!!

2018-01-15 [Mortified Penguin]: We don't serve people here.

2018-01-15 [Nuktae-tal]: I mean... uuuhhh I'm a wolf!

2018-01-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Gray Wolf or Timber Wolf?!

2018-01-16 [Pied Crow]: What if it's Grey Wolf?

2018-01-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Wikipedia said it was 'gray'. Wikipedia wouldn't lie to me.

2018-01-16 [Pied Crow]: You should take into account every search result when fact checking! All 1,000,000 of them! It is the only way to maintain true accuracy!

2018-01-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I'm a red wolf?! Or black... might be purple I don't remember now

2018-01-18 [Pied Crow]: Speak carefully... Mort is well-informed...!

2018-01-18 [Nuktae-tal]: Moist what am i?!

2018-01-18 [Sheamus Finn]: a cake? Cause otherwise this might get X-rated fast.....

2018-01-18 [Nuktae-tal]: I don't see the tentacles yet so I think we are good.

2018-01-18 [Mortified Penguin]: The fuck is a wolf?! *eats a handful of ramen*

*snorts some of the noodles up through his nostrils*

Where the hell is my crackpipe?! *scratches his teeth*

2018-01-18 [Mortified Penguin]: AAAAAAHHHHHH!! *rips off his suit, revealing several flailing tentacles and one that's just sort of dangling there unenthusiastically*

2018-01-19 [Nuktae-tal]: Oh god cover that thing will you?! There are children!

2018-01-19 [Mortified Penguin]: *the unenthusiastic one suddenly perks up*

2018-01-19 [Pied Crow]: テンタクル? 興味ないね… >_>

2018-01-19 [Nuktae-tal]: *offers blow up dolls of Mickey mouse and Minnie to tentacles.* whose some good tentacles you are!

2018-01-19 [Mortified Penguin]: あなたはなれます。

*the tentacles eat some ramen*

2018-01-20 [Pied Crow]: Too small for my tastes, Penguin. I need at least two hundred feet.

2018-01-21 [Mortified Penguin]: But tentacles don't have feet. They do wear socks though. And have toes. And fingernails. Not toenails! Fingernails. Also toenails. On their feet.

2018-01-21 [Nuktae-tal]: I wish I had fingernails on my toes... that would be nice.

2018-01-21 [Mortified Penguin]: So do I. And so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. *nods wisely as he gently strokes a crooning midget*

2018-01-21 [Pied Crow]: Huh, I was half-right about how you were gonna react to that. Looks like I don't quite have you pegged, Sir Penguin.

2018-01-21 [Pied Crow]: Ah, and that thing at the bottom says there are 40003 comments! What a nice, non-symbolic number.....

2018-01-21 [Mortified Penguin]: But did you see this coming...?!

*does nothing*

*makes no joke about pegging*

*eats ramen*

*pats himself on the back for posting yet another hilarious comment*

*secretly wipes all the blood on his hand off on himself*

Heh heh, sucker...

2018-01-21 [Sagacious Turkey]: *dunks a mop into the soup and starts mopping the floor*

*mops the potted plants as well*

*wrings the mop out in the soup, snaps it in half, and tosses both halves in the soup as well*

*washes his hands off in the soup*

That's enough work for this week. *takes $2000 out of the register and strolls out the door*

2018-01-21 [Mortified Penguin]: MY CARPET!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get soup stains out of carpet?! Not very.

*takes $2.7 million out of the register and sets fire to the diner before dashing out the door*

2018-01-22 [Sheamus Finn]: *watches as Mortified Penguin rushes out the front and in the rear door of the diner*

"We all order down here...." says the clown at the counter

*hits clown with frying pan*
No, we don't have the money for that cameo silly clown....

2018-01-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't hit Misty with my frying pan! I just washed that several years ago.

2018-01-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Now [Elftron] is claiming the number of comments is only 40002.

2018-01-22 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1516588774.jpg>

2018-01-22 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1516588792.jpg>

2018-01-22 [Pied Crow]: You can't burn the diner down! Where else can I go to wait for backyard bread crumbs?!

2018-01-22 [Nuktae-tal]: We wouldn't waste good crumbs on you!! *throws worm and maggot filled bread out the back door*

2018-01-22 [Mortified Penguin]: MY GOURMET BREAD!

2018-01-23 [Sagacious Turkey]: *bursts back in and takes a seat at the bar*

Gallon of whiskey, please.

*hands the bartender a used napkin with "one dollur" written on it in crayon, but it promptly catches fire*

There seems to be more fire in here than usual.

2018-01-23 [Mortified Penguin]: I hadn't really noticed. *smolders*

2018-01-23 [Pied Crow]: *dines on a worm-maggot sandwich*

2018-01-23 [Nuktae-tal]: Me either *uses flame thrower to kill a small child unattended by it's parent.*

2018-01-23 [Infested_Zling]: *looks around blankly before taking a seat* something... edible, please

2018-01-23 [Nuktae-tal]: *Smashes bread with hammer and chisel*

2018-01-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *throws the bread in the garbage disposal and starts slicing up the hammer*

2018-01-23 [Nuktae-tal]: My penis! *grabs salami and smacks Most with it*

2018-01-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Most, NNOOOOO! *cradles his dying body*

He was my sixth best friend...

*shrugs and starts slicing him up as well*

2018-01-23 [Mortified Penguin]: *dumps the pile of Most and hammer slices into a plastic bag and flings the bag up onto the roof*

There you go, Infested_Peen. That'll be $600.

2018-01-23 [DarkRedKrueger]: Better go and fetch your food infested-peen.

2018-01-23 [Infested_Zling]: *sneakily slides him $599* ill ah, ill go get my bag of most... and hammer slices. or should i let it cook longer?

2018-01-23 [Mortified Penguin]: NO REFUNDS!

*karate chops FreddyKrueger's neck*

2018-01-23 [Mortified Penguin]: AND STAY OFF MY ROOF!

2018-01-23 [Sagacious Turkey]: But does anyone ever wonder what happened to the little elves that used to make everyone's shoes??? I hate having to go steal from the shoe store/funeral home nowadays. ;(

2018-01-23 [Mortified Penguin]: I just don't wear shoes anymore.

*points at his bloodied, mangled feet, covered in shards of glass and snails*

2018-01-24 [Nuktae-tal]: I just eat shoes *passes around shoe jerky tongues.*

2018-01-25 [Pied Crow]: Whoaaa, Penguin! Are you sure having that on your feet is legal?

2018-01-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, probably. But severing that guy's feet and feeding them to my snails probably wasn't... I wonder why he was walking in gl- HEY, WHAT THE FUCK?! *picks up one of the snails*

THIS ISN'T A SNAIL, IT'S JUST A SLUG WITH A CHIP STUCK TO ITS BACK!

*violently rips the snail's shell off and hurls it into traffic, causing a car to swerve and crash into a school bus*

2018-01-25 [Nuktae-tal]: Hahahaha turbo snails... * eats es car go*

2018-01-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Please don't eat my friends. :(

2018-01-25 [Pied Crow]: ... Let us get back to you on that.

Hey! No one's written up a friscal report for six years! Need we ask why?

2018-01-25 [Nuktae-tal]: Hey no Gerry frisky up here!

2018-01-26 [Mortified Penguin]: I'M GETTING AROUND TO IT. I'm also getting around to changing the daily specials.

2018-01-26 [Pied Crow]: Who knows why, but I did the tedious copy-pasta work for you.
Pay me in either macro sergals or dragons.

2018-01-26 [Mortified Penguin]: Here, have a bunch of micro dragons: Ask Pauly the Anthro-Dragon!

2018-01-27 [Pied Crow]: Is that an exaggerated otherkin joke I see in there? Very promising!

2018-01-28 [Nuktae-tal]: A what who now?

2018-01-28 [Pied Crow]: We thought we were a therianthrope for a while, until we realized we were insulting therians everywhere. Now, we have a feathersona instead!

2018-01-28 [Nuktae-tal]: Feathers? Like a dinosaur?

2018-01-28 [Pied Crow]: That is correct. I am a bird with feathers, just like a dinosaur.

[Sagacious Turkey] is really a Prudent T-Rex.

2018-01-28 [Sideways]: Bob’s Diner needs a discord server. Badly

2018-01-28 [Pied Crow]: Discord server? I don't see the advantage, other than being accessible through Skype's replacement.

2018-01-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: *roars and eats a customer's head... prudently*

2018-01-29 [Pied Crow]: Mr. Turkey...! Are you...trying to seduce me?!

2018-01-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: *eats another customer's head... sensually*

2018-01-29 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure a discord server would take away from the true diner's friscal earnings.

2018-01-30 [Pied Crow]: Turkey, you're such a beast! Now, pin me to the ground and growl at me, menacingly!

2018-01-30 [Sagacious Turkey]: *pins you to the ground and charges you $12.99 for an extra packet of (used) ketchup... menacingly*

2018-01-30 [Mortified Penguin]: MY PERSONAL KETCHUP STASH!

2018-01-31 [Yuriona]: Is it Dijon ketchup at least?

2018-01-31 [Pied Crow]: Everything's good with dinosaurs, HEEEELP!!!

Er, I mean... Nice try, but I only ever bring five dollars with me on small trips like this!

2018-01-31 [Sagacious Turkey]: Only five dollars?! Get off me, whore, I'm saving myself for marriage! *violently hurls Pie Crow into the oven*

*spots a wealthy looking old woman, fumbling through her purse for some old person candy*

Mmm... hey, baby, you look like you can afford my shipping and handling fees. Let's get a look at those prehistoric gams... *starts feeling up her prunes and even her raisins*

2018-01-31 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats pre-wrapped dijon ramen*

2018-01-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Wait... GRANNY, NNNOOOOOOO!

*slaps Turkey*

GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY INHERITANCE!

2018-01-31 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts groping her with his feet*

2018-01-31 [Pied Crow]: Put a fork in me, I'm done.

2018-01-31 [Pied Crow]: (I'm sure you've never heard that before!)

2018-01-31 [Mortified Penguin]: I've never heard anything before, I'm blind. Now get back in the oven, gazpacho takes at least twelve hours.

*shoves Cro (I'm too lazy to add the 'w') back into the oven and duct tapes it shut*

2018-01-31 [Mortified Penguin]: *hangs some inspirational informational artwork in the bathroom, over the trough*

<img1000*0:stuff/aj/92105/1517440095.png>

2018-01-31 [Nuktae-tal]: Meow

2018-01-31 [Mortified Penguin]: *slaps the hell out of the cat*

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CATCHING THE MICE IN THE KITCHEN! *points at a gang of possums, crouched threateningly and wielding nunchuks and katanas*

Also, stop eating my lasagna...

2018-02-01 [Nuktae-tal]: *whips out whips and whips self with whips in hand.*

2018-02-01 [Mortified Penguin]: B-but... cats don't do that... they don't even have hands... and seldom self-flagellate... something is amiss here.

2018-02-01 [Mortified Penguin]: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANTARCTICA, CAT?!

*pulls out a knife*

TELL ME AND I'LL LET YOU HAVE THIS REALLY COOL KNIFE!!

2018-02-01 [Pied Crow]: Well...? Is it safe to come out?

2018-02-01 [Mortified Penguin]: *kicks the oven*

SHUT UP IN THERE, WE'RE HAVING A CONVERSATION! I SAID TWELVE MORE HOURS!!

2018-02-01 [Nuktae-tal]: The Antarctic is very cold... and sort of North... depending on your point of view.

2018-02-02 [Mortified Penguin]: Hmm, sounds factual. *hands over the deed to the knife*

2018-02-02 [Nuktae-tal]: Yes! * whips deed into shape... of a star*

2018-02-02 [Mortified Penguin]: ...

*stabs you with the knife*

2018-02-02 [Pied Crow]: Oh, I see how it is. I know when I've been insulted! I know when I've been insulted!

*over-exerts self and passes out*

2018-02-02 [~Crimson Angel~]:

I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake

Keep your left eye open and your right toe twitchin'
Cause I'm in the kitchen
With a knife that's itchin' for your red blood
On those white sheets

So keep your left eye open and your right toe twitchin'
Cause I'm in the kitchen
With a knife that's itchin' for your red blood
On those white sheets

I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake

Keep your left eye open and your right toe twitchin'
Cause I'm in the kitchen
With a knife that's itchin' for your red blood
On those white sheets

So keep your left eye open and your right toe twitchin'
Cause I'm in the kitchen
With a knife that's itchin' for your red blood
On those white sheets

I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try, try and keep awake
I will kill you in your sleep
So you better try
Try and keep awake



<img:stuff/aj/88645/1517544573.gif>

2018-02-02 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1517574626.jpg>

2018-02-02 [Mortified Penguin]: Speaking of, I should restart Death Note Game. We just need to have a bunch of active Elftowners first...

2018-02-02 [Pied Crow]: Sorry, I'm not into humans with knives.

Um, and I'm not good with forum games. Talking with degenerate birds is the most social activity I do for leisure these days.

*cooks for another 12 hours*

2018-02-02 [Mortified Penguin]: *looks up from his bible*

I'm not degenerate. <img:44166_1164145087.gif>

*goes back to eating his bible*

2018-02-04 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1517705418.jpg>

2018-02-04 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1517705448.jpg>

2018-02-04 [Mortified Penguin]: <img650*0:stuff/aj/92105/1517705656.jpg>

2018-02-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Hay now! *throws hay in the air.*

2018-02-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *a cute, sweet pony looks visibly upset at the waste of all that perfectly good hay*

HAY! Get back in that meat grinder!

*shoves Misty into the meat grinder*

*gathers up all the loose hay and feeds it to the happy pony*

2018-02-05 [Pied Crow]: Hooray for birds!

2018-02-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Nobody likes birds. *spits in the bird bath in the middle of the diner*

2018-02-06 [Nuktae-tal]: *builds crows nest in ceiling fan and settles in comfortably* aye captain.

2018-02-06 [Pied Crow]: Hmm, let's think about this... What kind of ceiling fan would Bob's Diner install?

2018-02-06 [Mortified Penguin]: You'd think it'd be something funny, like a helicopter propeller or something, but it isn't. It's just a regular old fan.

*turns it on, messing up several spider webs and launching a number of angry spiders into the air*

See? Lame. Though, it is impressive we managed to install a ceiling fan with no ceiling...

*the fan starts sparking up and spinning wildly out of control*

*it catches fire and detaches from the nonexistent ceiling*

*the flaming fan flies throughout the diner, flinging furious fiery spiders and decapitating a number of screaming, terrified patrons*

Laaaaame... *casually goes back to reading the paper*

2018-02-06 [Mortified Penguin]: *circles an ad looking for new ShareBlue employees to shill Bob's Diner*

Hey, have you guys heard about this awesome Hillary guy? Totally better than Drumpf! And I'm like 80% sure she isn't a reptilian... But in all seriousness, we can't let that man near the nuclear codes.

*starts screaming incomprehensibly about two scoops and it having been HER TURN*

*five cents is deposited into my account*

2018-02-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Roll Tide!

<img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1517955344.png>

But seriously though, they shouldn't have messed up my order...

2018-02-07 [Nuktae-tal]: Sad days...

2018-02-07 [Mortified Penguin]: The nights are also sad too as well...

2018-02-07 [Pied Crow]: Hey. Don't joke about people being reptilians. We take that stuff seriously! Don't get our hopes up!!

2018-02-07 [~Crimson Angel~]: Taco Bell apparently has fries now, which is weird...

2018-02-07 [Pied Crow]: Oh. Yeah, nacho fries! They must be advertised well, everyone's talking about them.

2018-02-07 [Mortified Penguin]: I tried to order some, but apparently they were out and just gave me chips instead... Hence, the arson my lawyer keeps telling me to stop "bragging about" and "admitting to"... that fire was pretty nifty though.

2018-02-08 [Nuktae-tal]: That's because they were my fries nachos...

2018-02-08 [Mortified Penguin]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/92105/1518058902.jpg>

2018-02-08 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1518059348.png>

2018-02-08 [Mortified Penguin]: *shrugs and just grows his own nacho potato tree*

2018-02-08 [Sagacious Turkey]: *bursts in, brandishing a pile of cash threateningly*

HAND OVER THE SPECIAL AND TWO ORDERS OF THE MORE EXPENSIVE COOKED SUSHI OR ELSE!!

2018-02-08 [Mortified Penguin]: I TOLD YOU, WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!

Anyway, it was good doing business with you, Achmed. *hands him a large box labeled, "BOMBS - for rats"*

Good luck with your infid- er, rat problem. *tips his hat*

2018-02-08 [Sagacious Turkey]: Waaaiiiit a second... you don't have a hat!

*immediately calls the police*

Yeah, I was trying to rob this shithole and this guy here has a really suspicious hat. Yeah. Uh huh. My name? My location?! MY HIP SIZE?! Sorry, wrong number. Bye, I love you too.

*slams the rotary phone into the wall*

A swat team should be arriving soon to arrest everyone except me.

2018-02-08 [Sagacious Turkey]: *glances at the clock on the wall*

Aaaany minute now...

2018-02-09 [Pied Crow]: Mort!

... What happened to your pocket knife?

2018-02-09 [Nuktae-tal]: Hands up!! I'm the police! *rips off pants and begins to strip tease*

2018-02-09 [Mortified Penguin]: This one...?

*starts to pull out his pocket knife, but is promptly gunned down by several naked police officers*

2018-02-09 [Mortified Penguin]: *the police surround Mort's corpse and start putting his hat in cuffs*

MY HAT!

*they also cuff Mort's corpse's lips*

MM LPS!!

*shrugs and goes back to reading his paper*

2018-02-10 [Pied Crow]: People? But, this isn't a village!

2018-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Your Village People joke disgusts me. Those men are heroes, don't be disrespectful. *angrily spits on one of the police officers, who runs away crying*

As of before this comment, here are the most frequent words that appear in Bob's Diner:

the 17910
a 10869
and 10146
I 9988
to 9614
2005 9261
you 8259
of 8102
Penguin 7394
Mortified 7355
07 6220
in 6042
08 5612
2008 5274
2011 5201
09 5024
it 4935
that 4928
03 4805
11 4748
10 4694
02 4657
is 4644
06 4481
2007 4373
Turkey 4266
hi 4239
05 4185
01 4150
2009 4029
04 4020
Sagacious 3805
on 3803
12 3795
nokaredes 3297
.. 3210
with 3031
for 3029
my 2940
2010 2899
Angel 2739
Crimson 2690
at 2628
IS 2620
2004 2603
Nekko 2595
me 2521
AWESOME 2500
have 2476
fox 2438
2006 2361
was 2262
ramen 2218
not 2154
up 2120
out 2096
your 2070
are 2014
eats 2013
be 1978
BIRD 1933
CHAD 1930
his 1853
stuff 1845
this 1837
i 1817
all 1742
like 1730
Pillowthief 1721
just 1663
from 1621
back 1600
I'm 1518

2018-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Here are some random 'f' words that were only ever used once:

foamy 1
foamin 1
foals 1
foal 1
fnx 1
fne 1
flyswatter 1
fluttering 1
flutter 1
flustered 1
flushing 1
fluoridated 1
flukes 1
fluked 1
fluke 1
fluff 1
fluctuating 1
fluctuates 1
flu's 1
flown 1
flowery 1
flourishes 1
flourished 1
flounder 1
flounces 1
flotation 1
florida 1
florada 1
floppy 1
flop 1
flooro 1
floor-to-ceiling 1
floor-roaches 1
floods 1
flooded 1
flood 1
floggin 1
flog 1
flockination 1
floaties 1
floated 1
flisky 1
flipper 1
flippant 1
flintchs 1
flinch 1
flimsy 1
flightless 1
flickers 1
flicked 1
flexs 1
flexitarian 1
flexible 1
flexed 1
flesh-eating 1
flesh-choked 1
fleeting 1
flees 1
fledgling 1
flcl 1
flavoring 1
flavorful 1
flavored-newspaper-colored-package-of-lunchmeat 1
flavord 1
flavered 1
flatscreen 1
flashy 1
flashpoints 1
flashed 1
flaring 1
flares 1
flare 1
flanks 1
flanking 1
flank-steak 1
flank 1
flamming 1
flamingo's 1
flametrower 1
flamethrowers 1
flamethroweds 1
flame-thrower 1
flamE 1
flaky 1
flail 1

2018-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Now they will have appeared at least twice!

2018-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: There have been 54,322 asterisks.

2018-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Here are some other alleged, useless statistics:

Number of words: 723898
Number of full stops: 37575
Number of long words (7 or more characters): 117777
Number of words per full stop: 19.265415834996674
Percentage long words: 16.26983359534078
Lix (readability): 35.53524943033746
Number of different words: 42530.0
Lexical variety: 0.059

2018-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Though, LibreOffice claims there are 629,953 words. And 330 Asian characters and Korean syllables.

2018-02-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Here's a text file of all the comments (without pics or html): <URL:stuff/Bob%27s%20Diner%20complete.txt>

2018-02-11 [Mortified Penguin]: The current comment count for this friscal year (including this one) is:

[Mortified Penguin] 388
[Nuktae-tal]    111
[Pied Crow]     92
[Sagacious Turkey] 83
[Imperator]     54
[Mrs. No_One]    45
[Yuriona]      35
[ancienteye]    20
[Sideways]     11
[~Crimson Angel~]  14
[Sheamus Finn]   13
[Nekko fox]     6
[Pillowthief]    2
[Infested_Zling]  2
[Avoral]      1
[Delta Operator]  1
[General]      1
[Hedda]       1
[Emily June]    1
[Alexi Ice]     1
[dead~spirit]    1
[Stephen]      1
[Wulf Skjaldr]   1
[DarkRedKrueger]  1
[rBob'sDine]    1
[erBob'sDin]    1
[nerBob'sDi]    1
[inerBob'sD]    1
[DinerBob's]    1
[sDinerBob']    1
['sDinerBob]    1
[b'sDinerBo]    1
[ob'sDinerB]    1
[Bob'sDiner]    1

2018-02-11 [Mortified Penguin]: That's 895 comments (not including this one) so far for an average of 5.496932515337423 comments per day.

2018-02-11 [Sheamus Finn]: 896

2018-02-11 [Sheamus Finn]: 897 lol

2018-02-11 [Pied Crow]: Nice, good to see bird got in! .... But, why CHAD? Is it spoilers?

2018-02-11 [Mortified Penguin]: It was probably from that time [sunabozu] posted something to the effect of "CHAD BIRD IS AWESOME!" several thousand times.

2018-02-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Here's a list of words and the frequency of their appearance in the place where a username would typically go on a comment (basically the overall approximate comment count for each user with more than like 50 comments):

Mortified 7329
Penguin 7311
Turkey 3733
Sagacious 3598
nokaredes 3135
Angel 2670
Crimson 2647
fox 2490
Nekko 2490
Pillowthief 1606
Devlin 1301
Duke 1270
Eloura 1021
nightmares 736
Angelic 736
of 629
Acidic 586
Khemica 584
Yoshie 570
Insaniac 570
Wolf 504
Fallen 490
Child 490
Athena 490
Nuktae-tal 472
Ice 471
Alexi 471
and 437
PixieStickChick 421
White 400
snow 399
ice 399
guardian 399
Chimes 373
the 345
sara 339
The 339
Imperator 333
Sideways 326
Avaz 322
Beo-Wulf 310
Dragon 298
Saint 296
Araglas 296
Lethan 263
Flisky 259
sunabozu 244
ktpk 244
Revolutionary 244
American 244
9jlriexqk 244
twitchboy 234
Paul 231
Doyle 231
HardRockAngel 228
Lord 223
Josmar 223
Stephen 218
Thunder 209
Cid 209
Sheamus 206
Finn 206
hammersmashface 204
wonderfall-man 201
Tekkon 197
KinKreet 197
CuteCommander 188
mummy 186
kians 186
whitehot 185
Smurf 182
Ninja 182
Mystin 172
Fearathress 159
Gluttony 149
Tapestry 146
Destiny 146
DarkAngel3 141
swabloo 132
Bad 132
PhoenixStarfire 128
a 127
Aliz 127
ßαd 121
j@y 121
Turkεy 121
Thε 121
her 110
wind 109
calls 109
Xeroh 109
Sunrose 109
Mrs 109
Kanoe 109
General 109
Demona 109
And 109
Jiggler 108
Jelly 108
Pied 102
in 98
Doll 95
Delusive 95
Dainty 95
Me 94
Devil 94
Crow 94
Khronos 93
Atmosphaera 93
teddbear 91
Of 89
Queen 87
Weregon 86
weasel2 82
Shade 81
Shadows 80
God 79
vie 76
lemon 76
la 76
Nioniel 74
Susie-Q 73
Ukia 72
CrystalBlaze 69
Sweets 67
upon 65
moment 65
Once 65
Jadala 65
No 64
Tinkerbell 62
spitfire 57
35121 57
Vicious 56
little 55
twinrova 54
Phil 54

2018-02-11 [Mortified Penguin]: What the actual comment count for each person is, I have no idea. LibreOffice sucks.

2018-02-11 [Sheamus Finn]: So, is it better to post often or just when you have a long drawn out post?

2018-02-11 [Mortified Penguin]: BOTH.

2018-02-11 [Nuktae-tal]: So what you are saying if I understand this correctly is that each individual person who visits and posts on this site needs to do so in a long winded and yet comprehensible manner but frequently as well on top of that. And now even when we do post we need to be mindful of the wordings that we use to explain the point of our monologue in the first place!

2018-02-11 [Pied Crow]: Yeah, and I'm worried about what's around my name...

2018-02-11 [Sagacious Turkey]: ...GSHDHRKFPPPEJDNEGSGWJENSMFJXMEMBFHF!!!!

*smashes [Stephen] over the head with a brick and drags his body into the manager's office*

2018-02-11 [Mortified Penguin]: BRICKY, NNNO-

Wait, that's Brickie with an 'ie'. I hate that bricktch. Carry on.

2018-02-12 [Nuktae-tal]: *sweeps up brick dust and puts it into the meatloaf.* gotta give this bitch some texture. Bitches love texture.

2018-02-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Where'd you get that broom?! We don't serve brooms here!

2018-02-12 ꧁꧂: ꧁꧂

2018-02-12 :

2018-02-13 [Pied Crow]: "Oh... This looks bad."

2018-02-13 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU look bad! *shoves a cigarette*

2018-02-13 [Mortified Penguin]: It's that Yuriona skank's birthday! *punts a cake out the window*

2018-02-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Now I'm hungry... :(

2018-02-14 [Mortified Penguin]: *punts Yuriona out the window*

2018-02-14 [Yuriona]: Didn't have cake. Had black forest pancakes instead! :D *grabs plate on her way out the window*

2018-02-14 [Mortified Penguin]: All I got for my birthday was a cup of ramen with a candle in it. Not one of those tiny birthday candles, but one of those big ass candles in a jar. It was jammed down in there. Caught the styrofoam on fire. My house burnt down. I lost seven cats that day. Also, my wife and kids, I guess, but I was bored of them anyway.

*eats ramen*

2018-02-15 [Pied Crow]: Oh! Black forest pancakes? Those are completely...unfamiliar to me. Are they buttery?

2018-02-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Or are they butter flavored vegetable oil spread-y?

2018-02-15 [Nuktae-tal]: Isn't that chocolate?

2018-02-16 [Sheamus Finn]: I've seen pictures....and believe the train for diabetes town loads on track 7

2018-02-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Nah, track 7 goes to Pound Town.

*picks up some cute puppies that weigh one pound from the Pound Town pound for only a pound*

*rapes them*

2018-02-16 [Yuriona]: Chocolate pancakes with whipped cream and cherries to be precises. *sits on tree branch eating cake stuck on another branch* And the train for Diabetes Train is track 2. Everyone knows that.

2018-02-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop avoiding the question! Are they buttery or are they butter flavored vegetable oil spread-y?!

2018-02-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Stupid people of Bob's Diner! You've been arbitrarily selected to be Mort's Member of the Month for the month of Second July™! First question: ARE THEY BUTTERY OR ARE THEY BUTTER FLAVORED VEGETABLE OIL SPREAD-Y?!

2018-02-17 [Mortified Penguin]: WELL, SHEAMUS?! ANSWER ME, BOY.

2018-02-17 [Sheamus Finn]: From what I saw...no butter...just brown chocolatey sauce everywhere.....

2018-02-17 [Pied Crow]: Now I wanna ride one!

2018-02-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Second question: What's a good second question?

2018-02-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Third question: ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!

2018-02-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Fifth question: *angrily flips a table*

2018-02-17 [Yuriona]: Definitely buttery. And chocolatey.

2018-02-18 [Pied Crow]: We have conflicting reports, sir. How should we proceed?

2018-02-18 [Mortified Penguin]: I think it's pretty clear Yuri is lying about this alleged "butter" nonsense. Sheamus wouldn't lie to me, he told me he never lies!

2018-02-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: It's true, he also told me to get a liberal arts degree, which is how I ended up being so rich and famous.

*puts [Yuriona] in cuffs for her heinous crimes and hauls her off to Bob's Family Detention Center and Broom Closet*

Don't touch my brooms in there, criminal scum.

*crawls back into his decrepit hovel out back, before the pigeons pilfer his dinner rats again*

2018-02-18 [Nuktae-tal]: *silently eats a salad*

2018-02-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: Get your hands off my expensive crabgrass!

2018-02-18 [Mortified Penguin]: This interview sucks!

2018-02-18 [Mortified Penguin]: -tal]! Ask some hard hitting questions!

2018-02-18 [Nuktae-tal]: Kay!! How fast would a train from Cleveland travel if it wasn't a locomotive at all on a free way made of jello?!

2018-02-18 [Yuriona]: Hmm... I wonder which of these brooms is the fastest broom. I'll need to make a quick getaway for sure. *examines brooms*

You forgot your bracelets by the way. *holds up cuffs* I have too many pairs already.

2018-02-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: That mahogany broom in there used to be the fastest, but it blew a head gasket.

Also, which flavor of Jello?

2018-02-19 [Sheamus Finn]: Wait...wait...Nuk, which of the 31 Cleveland's are talking about?

2018-02-19 [Yuriona]: Head gasket huh? I might be able to fix that.

2018-02-19 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure it needs an engine swap at this point. And a new radiator. Not to mention, it has all kinds of electrical issues and the CD changer doesn't even work. I really think we need to just upgrade to a mop, they've got much better mileage and maintenance doesn't cost nearly as much.

2018-02-20 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img400*0:stuff/aj/53406/1519168069.jpg>

2018-02-20 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1519168270.jpg>

2018-02-20 [Mortified Penguin]: You can't post pictures in an interview! I hate you all...

2018-02-21 [Nuktae-tal]: We love you though Mort. Also the jelly flavor is bananas because they have a bad reputation.

2018-02-21 [Mortified Penguin]: ...<img100*0:stuff/aj/92105/1519182420.jpg>!!

(17h ago) [Mortified Penguin]: Wait now it's jelly and not Jello?! Get your story straight! Don't make me have to arrest Yuri again!

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