Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]
2017-11-30 08:44:12
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Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]
.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,
ain't no place finer!
The food is good,
we're always in tha 'hood,
and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

<img:><img:><img:><img:> <img:><img:><img:><img:><img:>

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!
This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee
and the [pixish] art committee

by [Teufelsweib]

Show content


|Da menyou|


'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!



1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50
2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20
3. Hash Browns $1.00
4. Hash Greens $1.00
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00
6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50
7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50
8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25
9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)
10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50



1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19
2. hamburger & fries $4.00
3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24
4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00
6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99
7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82
8. La Ham and cheese $2.30
9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour
10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour
11. sirloin $6.00
12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00
13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99
14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00
15. fried Alley Gator $5.00
16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50
17. Poo Stew $2.25
18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50
19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25
20. Roasted n00b $4.00
21. Bloody Rock $1.50
22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75
23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50
24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12
25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50
26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00
27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00
28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50
29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!
31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75
32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25
33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00
34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00
35. Ground beef Carl $3.25
36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99
37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..
38. viagra pill $300
39. gobbler....?
40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00
41. hootchie cootchie $2.00
42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00
43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90
44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50
45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)
47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5
48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99
49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!
50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!
51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99



1. half a cracker $1,000,000
2. Bloody Rock $1.50
3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00
4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))
5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25
6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50
7. Cooked Sushi $4.50
8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01
9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))
10. Bowl of tears $.50
11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50
12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50
13. Corn on the toes $1.50
14. cooked sushi $2.00
15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER
16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy
17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1
17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])
19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]
20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00
21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)
22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.
23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.
24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00



1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10
2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....
3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75
4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone
5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50
6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! shipping and handling...
7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.
8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)
9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00
10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0
11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)
12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00
13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless



1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00
2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00
3. artichoke pie $1.50
4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75
5. Iced ice $0.50
6. Glazed rocks $0.75
7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00
8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75
9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00
10. "Cow Pie" $2.00
11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50
12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2
13. "apple sauce" $1
14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?
15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000
16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50
17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box
18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box
19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50
20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)
21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)



1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00
2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00
4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00
5. liquid lard $1.00
6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95
7. goat milk $1.00
8. watered down tea $1.00
9. Turkey Milk $1.00
10. A Pint of Blood $0.50
11. A Quart of Blood $1.00
12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50
13. Rat Milk $1.00
14. Snow Coco $1.00
15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)
16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound
17. A "booty" shake $6.66
18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.
19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick
20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)
21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00
22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie


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Staff Pics


FOUNDERS: [53406] and [Mortified Penguin]
MANAGER: [Nekko fox]
[Mortified Penguin]'s keeper: [Blvd. of broken dreams]
CHEF: [PixieStickChick] (Chef Steph)
BATHROOM JANITOR: [teddbear] (gotta start somewhere)
VICE MANAGER: [spitfire_35121] (or so he claims)
CASHIER: [Bringer of Nightmares](check your money twice if ya know what i mean)
FOOD TESTER: [silvermoon dragon]
WAITER: [leaving fo good] Im the type of waiter who nasty things if you're not nice to me (Wait, what?)
WAITRESS: [Lethan] (yes, I'm aware that it says 'Waitress' I just want to feel pretty...whats wrong with that!?)
BODY GUARD: [Rangers29]
PUBLICIST: [Blvd. of broken dreams] Make me a shirt I'll wear it!!!
HEAD MECHANIC: [Pillowthief]
CREDIT CARD CUTTER UPPER: [Pillowthief] (Yes, I have two jobs. I need the money!)
POLE DANCER: [Insaniac Yoshie]
CREATURE KEEPER: [53406] (Let go several years ago, but never told. Now holds the upstanding position of never sitting down. Get a job you bum!)
STRIPPER/ LAPDANCER: [~*~Tinkerbell~*~]
PROOFREADER: [nokaredes]
RAMEN SUPPLIER: [Imperator] (Assuming, of course, that those Guard Land Squids keep the peasants away from my imperial crops...)
THE PRODIGAL SON II---ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: [Paul Doyle] Just like how the otherwise useless Abominable had something to do when 'reformed' in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (he put the star at the top of the Christmas tree) one can only hope that reformed Pauly now has something to do. Do we hope . . . or do we care? *cough* *eats ramen*
SHERIFF: [Duke Devlin] <--- Self-elected, Bitches. ;D (What the...? This is a democracy!) True, but she's the only one that showed up to vote that day.
PERSON WHO LURKS IN THE SHADOWS AND STALKS [Mortified Penguin]: [~Crimson Angel~]
THE BRIBED HEALTH INSPECTOR: [twitchboy] "Everything looks great guys...Your sanitation score is a one long as my hotdog has extra Lettice on it."
THe ONE WHO STABS PEOPLE: [Alexi Ice] (love you?)
Occasional Bastard: [djxmonster]

Manager Poll:
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517) Who would make the best manager of Bob's Diner? (Administrator is private forum number -2493)

Number of voters: 260
Voting only open to members of private forum number -2493
a) [Pillowthief]
Number of votes: 137 (53%)

b) [Sagacious Turkey]
Number of votes: 32 (12%)

c) Mort again!
Number of votes: 27 (10%)

d) [spitfire_35121]
Number of votes: 9 (3%)

e) [Hedda] *cough* loser *cough*
Number of votes: 36 (14%)

f) [Nekko fox]
Number of votes: 3 (1%)

g) [Mortified Penguin]
Number of votes: 13 (5%)

h) [~Crimson Angel~]
Number of votes: 3 (1%)


You got served! At Bob's Diner that is!

Bob's Diner Status Report

All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].




26.6 cpd
10.6 cpd
08.4 cpd
15.5 cpd
11.8 cpd
07.9 cpd
14.4 cpd
04.7 cpd
02.7 cpd
02.1 cpd
01.1 cpd
00.5 cpd
01.1 cpd

Total Comments

Total Average
26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since B's D's Founding

Friscal Reports:
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   Friscal Report:


   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)

Bob's Diner's Top 75 Commenters and their total number of comments (updated as of 2014-05-20):
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B's D's comment history divided up by month (2004-08-31 to 2014-05-20):
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Total average comments for each month:
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All hits: <img:" alt="">

Unique Visits Only: <img:" alt="">

(as of 2014-05-22)
(as of 2015-06-16, THIS THING DOESN'T WORK RIGHT)

You got served! At Bob's Diner that is!   ☣   Maze of Guile   ☣   Some Unfinished Comics   ☣   Chess Tournament

by [Nezeb]


Bob's Badges
The Other Half
Bob's Diner before sunrose ruined it
Stuff Nobody Cares About


Username (or number or email):


2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: It was supposed to be a spicy shrimp flavored soda. But we had no way to carbonate it. Plus, we had no shrimp. Only one person was lucky enough to get to taste it. Lionel was never really the same after that...

2017-11-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: That carpet was never really the same either.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Too soon... :(

2017-11-18 [Imperator]: You could have just tossed a rug over the spot. No one would have questioned it.

2017-11-18 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure it was easier to just burn the entire house down.

2017-11-18 [Imperator]: No wonder you are regularly sued for insurance fraud!

2017-11-18 [Yuriona]: It does explain a few things. It must have been the only way to keep the carpet quiet - blackmail money.

2017-11-19 [Imperator]: Lots of people walked across that carpet and the carpet muffled their footsteps, saving up the sound waves, and then planned to release all that pent-up noise in one massive blast that would destroy Bob's Diner!!

2017-11-19 [Mortified Penguin]: This is why I regularly mow my carpets.

2017-11-20 [Nuktae-tal]: I just give mine a good lather. It releases the stress they built up you k ow?

2017-11-20 [Imperator]: Giving carpets a good "leather" is much more exciting. Releases more than just stress.

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: I prefer a nice waxed hardwood anyway.

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511216878.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217051.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217130.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217238.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217330.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217358.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217379.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217423.jpg>

2017-11-20 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511217464.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Yuriona]: No Gundams for USA! I want one... >_>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: We need to be funding these two Gundams (some of the greatest Gundams ever conceived):


2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/174089/1511279857.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1511279872.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img:stuff/aj/174089/1511279886.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/174089/1511279934.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/174089/1511279947.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511298797.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511298822.png>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511298848.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511299179.png>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: <img600*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511299210.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: I miss Tay. :(

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/174089/1511299838.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/174089/1511299849.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/174089/1511299859.jpg>

2017-11-21 [Imperator]: I <3 Anti-Semitic Tuesdays.

2017-11-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Anti-Semitic Tuesdays are great and all, but they really do a number on our oven. *pats ol' Sparky on the eye*

2017-11-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Ew, Yuri is Canadian.

2017-11-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Trudeau, pictured with two average Canadian women: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511405239.jpg>

2017-11-23 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511406079.jpg>

2017-11-23 [Yuriona]: Take off eh! You hoser.

And please, kill more Canadian geese. They're a pain in the ass the dirty pests.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: That picture is THE greatest rebuttal of Canada I have EVER seen.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Why can't I press ctrl+enter in order to send messages? Who designed this Diner??!

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Most of us down here in the ol' 48 are preeetty sure Trudeau's papi was Fidel Castro.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Considering all the turkeys on this page, I think a "Happy Thanksgiving" is in order:

2017-11-23 [Nuktae-tal]: HAppy kill everybody with disease day!!! in the USA of course. though technically it all started from the U.K.

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Oh, are you talking about small pox? Funny thing that. The reason the indians caught it was because they raided a White hospital, scalped the sick, and stole their blankets. Karma is a bitch, eh?

2017-11-23 [Yuriona]: *shrugs* Trudeau very could be I suppose. I don't really follow politics all that closely. Its mostly all bullshit and posturing anyways.

And that Eagle is sitting on a Canada Goose. How insulting. *sarcasm* Besides, that bird isn't our national animal. Try again. :P

2017-11-23 [Imperator]: Canada has a national bird? I thought it was just trees 'n stuff.

2017-11-24 [Yuriona]: And snow! Don't forget the snow!

2017-11-24 [Imperator]: I thought we took care of that crap with global warming?!

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure Canada's national bird is a leaf.

2017-11-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: Roll Tide! I'm voting for Roy Moore TWICE!


2017-11-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: Canada's okay, I went to see a fight there once, but a hockey game broke out. To hell with Canadian Geese though, their constant shitting on the greens has ruined my short game!

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511545541.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511545869.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511545959.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511546002.png>

2017-11-24 [Alexi Ice]: Obligatory comment*

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1511546461.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511546482.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: *shoves Alexi down some stairs for interrupting my annoying picture posting*

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: Hey! Don't damage my stairs!! *starts kicking Alexi*

2017-11-24 [Mortified Penguin]: EW!!! Stop getting so much blood on my shoes!! *kicks harder*

2017-11-24 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1511550565.jpg>

2017-11-24 [Imperator]: Sucking a swan's beak? What?
That dead girl looks like Bane. But I don't understand the meme. I'm assuming that there is some discrepancy which proves the story is bullshit?

2017-11-24 [Imperator]:


2017-11-24 [Imperator]: *The Goyim begin kicking Alexi as well because they realize she is Shabbos goy*

2017-11-25 [Sagacious Turkey]: *shrugs and starts kicking Alexi as well*

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590028.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590078.jpg>

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2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590209.png>

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2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590255.png>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590326.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590481.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590578.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511590661.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511590731.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511590793.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511590850.jpg>

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2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591080.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591152.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511591292.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591710.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591741.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511591762.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511592224.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'

Cashier at the grocery store: Would you like the milk in a bag?
Me: No, just leave it in the carton.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans

Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!'
Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

Me: 'Hey, I was thinking…'
My dad: 'I thought I smelled something burning.'

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Dad: *driving past a graveyard* 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?'
Me: 'Why not?'
Dad: 'Because I’m not dead yet!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Fast food worker: 'Any condiments?'
Me: 'Compliments? You look very nice today!

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

You may not be a bed of roses
You're not friend to those with noses
I'll miss you before we're done
Or the world will smell as one

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault

(Phoebe) Oh are we done?

One, two, what's that smell?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
You're getting fat

I think that I'm gonna be sick
It's your ears, and nose and pick
Part of it, tempt me

One, two, what's that smell?
All the dogs in the neighborhood
Are saying this for your own good
What, you're fat, so you can't run
No fun, I bet, No fun

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
Porno makes you eat like that
I saw you in the shopping mall
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault,

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

We know what was in your food
They say it might affect your mood
You smell like something dead (3x)
One, two, what's that smell?

(Phoebe)Yeah, that's not the song

2017-11-25 [Mrs. No_One]: Soft kitty, warm kitty

Little ball of fur

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty

Purr, purr, purr

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: It absolutely is that damn cat's fault, it won't stop eating all these corpses!

*gestures at the mangy cat chewing on the face of Chandler's corpse*

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Your memes are a little too vulgar and offensive for my taste, No_One. I'm disgusted you would sexualize a sponge like that. *shakes head disapprovingly*

Come on, baby, let's get out of this sickening den of deplorables! *grabs a hand towel and storms into the ladies' room*

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Hold on, let me see if there are any good, wholesome memes on my phone...

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511626049.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511626085.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511626102.jpg>

2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: There we go, those are fresh out of my meme garden. Anyway, back to work... *grabs a rocket launcher off the weapon rack and heads outside to sure up the borders of Greater Bob's Diner*

*launches a rocket into a neighboring hospital full of insurgents and/or sick children*

THE PROPHECY MUST BE FULFILLED!! *fires wildly into a screaming crowd*

*quickly hides the launcher behind his back as a passing police officer slows down and looks out his window*

*nods nonchalantly at him and he drives off into the ghetto to try out his new pistol*

2017-11-25 [Imperator]: Is it Tuesday already?!


2017-11-25 [Mortified Penguin]: It's always Tuesday here! Except when it's Wednesday, which will now be pushed back until Friday.

2017-11-26 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511709548.jpg>

2017-11-26 [Sagacious Turkey]: *nervously takes down orders with a 14.9cm long pencil*

*the British police glare angrily and start unsheathing their beating sticks*

To hell with this. *just bites off his finger and writes in blood*

*the British police nod approvingly and go back to eating their crumpets and porridge*

2017-11-27 Pied Crow: I'm late, but don't judge people for sucking bird beaks!

2017-11-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: But what of platypus beaks?

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511786960.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511786983.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787001.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787024.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787058.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787082.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787114.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787133.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787151.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787172.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787190.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787212.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787231.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/100951/1511787404.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787480.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Mrs. No_One]: <img:stuff/aj/100951/1511787531.jpg>

2017-11-27 [Nuktae-tal]: Nice

2017-11-28 [~Crimson Angel~]: Uh... What has become of this place? *kicks a small child wanting more porridge and mumbles something about Oliver Twist*

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Hey! We don't abuse Dickens' characters around here! *angrily kicks Tiny Tim in the ribs*

2017-11-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: *Nicholas Nickleby glances around nervously*

2017-11-28 [Nuktae-tal]: *plays with Turkey carcas from thanksgiving in America*

2017-11-28 [Sagacious Turkey]: PAPA, NNOOOO!!

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: There, now my precious status reports are back.

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Here are the current comment scores for this friscal year so far (from September 1st up until the previous comment):

[Mortified Penguin] 188
[Imperator] 54
[Nuktae-tal] 53
[Mrs. No_One] 43
[Sagacious Turkey] 39
No name guy 28
[ancienteye] 20
[Yuriona] 19
[Sideways] 10
[Sheamus Finn] 8
[Avoral] 1
[Delta Operator] 1
[General] 1
[Hedda] 1
[Emily June] 1
[rBob'sDine] 1
[erBob'sDin] 1
[nerBob'sDi] 1
[inerBob'sD] 1
[DinerBob's] 1
[sDinerBob'] 1
['sDinerBob] 1
[b'sDinerBo] 1
[ob'sDinerB] 1
[Bob'sDiner] 1
[Alexi Ice] 1
[~Crimson Angel~] 1
[nokaredes] -1!!

2017-11-28 [Mortified Penguin]: That's 479 total comments over 89 days at an average of 5.3820224719101123595505617977528 comments per day. At this pace, this should be the most productive friscal year since 10/11. All thanks to extreme spamming and violent threats.

2017-11-28 Pied Crow: I'd complain about the overflow of images, but one of them had dragons.

2017-11-29 [Sheamus Finn]: Wait which year 10 or / or 11?

2017-11-29 [Sagacious Turkey]: /.

2017-11-29 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1511976574.png>

2017-12-01 [Mortified Penguin]: *some valued regulars skitter in and start eating dinner*


2017-12-01 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512089976.jpg>

2017-12-01 [Nuktae-tal]: Sempai!?

2017-12-01 [Mortified Penguin]: TAKE YOUR PROBE.

2017-12-02 [Nuktae-tal]: All the probing for me?! Oh sempai!!!

2017-12-03 Pied Crow: One of the ads tells me not to read the comments. Should I stop reading this?

2017-12-03 [Nuktae-tal]: Read everything! Pork the police!

2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *starts making sammiches*


2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *tosses the nugget in the deep fryer*


2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: *throws the tomato slices, entire smoldering chicken, and a single Rit cracker into the blender and pours the delicious resulting liquid directly onto the laps of the patrons at table #3*


2017-12-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: Enjoy your chicken sandwiches, you two!

*sets the mood for their date by romantically playing his accordion*


*they both sob and struggle futily against their chains*

2017-12-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't forget their order of fries.


2017-12-04 公式代理人: Hi, Nuktae-Tal! I just thought I'd let you know that I think you'd look great as a 500 meter tall monster. Have you ever tried to audition at Toho? i bet you could be the star of the next big tokusatsu! If you want an appointment, or maybe something else, call me!

2017-12-04 [Sagacious Turkey]: *stands in an open doorway, in his sexiest Godzilla outfit, looking crestfallen*

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop not commenting enough and forcing me to post stupid pictures! This is a DINER, not an IMAGEBOARD! *slaps the Captcha right off the wall*

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Now, let's see what garbage I have today...

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512495515.gif>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1512495549.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1512495582.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512495696.png>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512495911.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512496077.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1512496105.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1512496129.png>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Here,
we see Misty on the way to her family reunion.


2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: And here,
she has finally been reunited with her kin.


2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/92105/1512496465.jpg>

2017-12-05 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1512496556.gif>

2017-12-06 [~Crimson Angel~]: That mayonnaise is made with olive oil, I only eat regular mayonnaise, and my family members are hippos, not cows.

2017-12-06 Pied Crow: Do you expect me to talk?

2017-12-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't make fun of your family like that, Misty. That's pretty rude.

And that Kraft jar mayo sucks, regardless of type.

2017-12-06 [Mortified Penguin]: And YES, DAMMIT. I EXPECT YOU TO TALK. *slams his fist down on the desk*

*tilts the desk lamp where it's pointed right at Pied Crow's face*

Where were you on the night of the 12th, HUH?! Down at the old mill?! Why did you do it?! For the fame? For the gold? TALK, DAMN YOU!

2017-12-06 Pied Crow: ... Now that's just unfair. I can't remember what I did two weeks ago, let alone a month.


2017-12-07 [Nuktae-tal]: I tried to talk and Elftown wouldn't let me from my PHONE! *throws television through diner window* Stupid PHONE!

2017-12-07 [~Crimson Angel~]: Kraft Mayo is the best, if you don't like it you're a peasant, Kraft Mayo is for royalty.

2017-12-07 Pied Crow: Oh. Because I left my bazooka at home. Sheesh... Give me a break, here.

2017-12-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Kraft Mayo is the worst, you harlot! Heinz is clearly the superior mayo! And don't get me started on Hidden Valley's ranch either... I would make a joke about firebombing Hidden Valley, but I'm on enough watch lists as it is. But that shit is NOT RANCH. IT'S GARBAGE. GARBAGE! *throws the television at Poop Crow*

2017-12-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats ramen with mayonnaise and butter in it*

2017-12-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *pours ramen into popsicle molds and puts them in the freezer for later*

2017-12-07 [Sagacious Turkey]: I'm pretty sure Hellman's and Duke's mayonnaises are probably the best. But I only eat packets of mayo I steal from restaurants, not that jar nonsense.

*inconspicuously pockets 27 packs of mayo from the bin on the counter and quickly sprints out the front door*

2017-12-07 Pizza Pied Crow: A television sounds lethal for a corvid...

2017-12-08 [~Crimson Angel~]: *eats Kraft mayonnaise on my salad and ranch on my sandwich*

2017-12-08 [Mortified Penguin]: No, you're a corvette! *shoves Misty's sandwich*

*eats a delicious ramen popsicle*

2017-12-09 Pied Crow: Excuse me? A corvette is what I want to hug!

Er, I mean, make out with.

What? The tag buttons showed up and I wanted to utilize 'em! Yeah, that's it...

2017-12-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: *sits in his tree and casually chews some eucalyptus*

2017-12-10 [Mortified Penguin]: NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINK!


2017-12-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: To hell with this, I'm going to McDonald's to try their new halal eucalyptus nuggets! *grabs [Pillowthief]'s car keys and storms out*


*immediately crashes into a ditch, not so much because I am a koala, but because I am black out drunk*

2017-12-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img500*0:stuff/aj/53406/1512918140.png>

2017-12-11 Pied Crow: ... Huh.

Anyway, you probably don't want me anymore, but I'm ready to sign up here! Bring on the referral links I didn't use last time!

2017-12-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Here's one or two:

2017-12-11 [Sagacious Turkey]: *bursts back in*


2017-12-11 [Mortified Penguin]: No more of that! *drop kicks the koala into the soup*

2017-12-11 [Sagacious Turkey]: Now I'm a marsoupial!


*screeches and crawls up the wall into the rafters*

2017-12-11 [Mortified Penguin]: *glares and points at the sign on the wall clearly stating, "NO VARMINTS! Except possums, but only as a salad topper."*

2017-12-11 [Yuriona]: What about the raccoons in the kitchen??

2017-12-12 [Mortified Penguin]: What?! Damn coons! Git outta here! GIT!

*smacks a black family with a broom and they scurry off into the night*

Now what were you saying, Yuri? Something about turnips?

2017-12-12 [Pied Crow]: Sorry it took us a koala-while, but we did it. Were we supposed to take the sign-up seriously? Because we took the sign-up seriously.

(7h ago) [Mortified Penguin]: *slams down his stein of mead in contempt*

We are not a medieval establishment! We have all the latest technologies! *gestures at the broken cotton gin in the kitchen*

Now, if you don't mind, I must away to table nine to collect the bill. *grabs his flanged mace from the weapon rack, mounts his mighty stead, and charges the table (approximately $23.45)*

(2h ago) [Yuriona]: yeah I knew that's where you were gonna go with that.

That's one big rat. O_o

Your name: Write GI here:

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