.Messages [//.401-500.// ].
401. Ever since I lost him it feels like nothings worth it! I ued to love school, as soon as I cam home I couldn't wait until the next day so I could go back. But now...now it's not like that, it's like I'm hiding something, from even myself. I don't want to wake up in the mornings, and i don't want to go anywhere...not until he's back. but...if he ever did return, would he even want me? Does he miss me like I miss him? Did he ever even love me? Does he know I love him...*shakes head shamefully* I'll never stop lovinghim, no matter how long he's away, but I have to forget him, please help me forget him....
402. Number 401
I know exactly how you feel. In time you will find your reason to carry on, it is there though, trust me. It feels like you have nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for, and nothing to remember. Life isnt fair and you probably wont ever forget him. You'll just learn to love again, you'll just learn to handle all those emotions, and all those feelings. I know its hard...:$
403. Just when I thought we were in the clear, the clouds came over the mountain.
404. Hey, God... Give strenght to all the people who are mad in love. Let them know that there is love like the one I have and that they will all also have that kind of love with the trust and faith and hope that only you can make possible in Human-People's hearts.
405. Hey god
, FUCK You
406. Do I really love
him? How the hell am I supposed to know? Did I ever really love her?
Why did you put me in this body. We both know I'm supposed to be something else. I'm not supposed to be female... I'm not supposed to feel this way. I've lost
the will to live. It's not even the pain anymore. No, I enjoyed that pain.
We both know it. Somehow, I've gotten better
. And I hate it
. Is that so wrong?
I'm so fake now. I don't know if I really do love anymore. Did I ever?
I'm not even sure I want to hear your answers. I just need to know...If I take my life tonight
, will you be there to greet me? Or will you turn away from me, like I did to you? - Your Mistake
407. Are you breaking someone elses heart?
408. It's me again. I tried it. And I failed
. I failed miserably.
What kind of idiot can't even kill themselves right?
I didn't take enough pills. I was crying as I swallowed them. I was hoping I'd see you when I woke up this morning. But I didn't. What am I supposed to do now? Live and pretend
like everything is fine? Ignore these impulses and thoughts? What now? How do I stop myself? When I do something liek this, I don't stop. I mean, it all started with a little cut, right? This is the third year.
Sure, I've tried to kill myself before. But never like this. It's so easy now. And that scares me. Is it OK to be afraid of myself? -Your Mistake
409. I wish January would come faster.
410. I know im leading it on, but I cant get enough of it. He cant find out.
411. Why did he cancel?
412. Number 408;; You broke my heart.
413. Dear 'God'
is up there/out there; me and my ex-boyfriend got into a HUGE fight the other night..It was terrible. I feel like it's my fault but I know it's not, He lied to me about something HUGE and because he lied to me about that he lied about other things connected to it. We aren't talking anymore and that was my decision. This decision is killing me but I know that it's for the best; he's hurt me so many times and if I take this back then I'm just leaving myself to his mercy once again, I can't keep doing this. If you're really up there please help him understand why I did this. I feel like he betrayed me so bad He's hurt me to many times..I trusted him with everything. He told me that he was going to kill himself because of me and if that happened I'd never forgive myself...Life's gotten so hard, not because I don't have him..It just has..I'm trying so hard not to go back to cutting..it's been 63 days now since the last time I did it but it feels like a lifetime. It's so extremely hard...I just keep thinking to myself that it would feel sooooo good but I know that I can't do that to myself anymore. It seems like whenever one thing goes right something else goes horribly wrong....
414. Listening to "here without you" and i feel like cryin, i miss him so much.. but i cant let it show, i liked him for a whole year and a bit, and i miss him SO much! this xmas will be horrible, because a year ago on the 19th we first told eachover we liked eachother.. i was so happy then.. but i really really miss him :(!!!! im cryin, im hopeless!
415.I've been so lonely recently. It seems like all of my friends have someone to love. And I don't. I don't have my family. I don't have my parents. I don't have a guy. I have no one there to tell me everything is okay. Little things make me happy, but lately, even the little things can't make me smile. All I wan't to do is cry. All I feel like I ever do is cry. Every day is the same. No one even knows this. Everyone thinks i'm always happy. But no one knows i'm slowly slipping away inside. Even my best friend doesn't realize it. Why aren't I allowed to be happy..?I just want to tell him I love him.
416. I find one could person. Someone who will be good to me, someone who I could grow to love, someone who might one day love me, We do one thing one day, and you mess up everything.
417. awwww i really am falling for him now, i think this could be geniune and im 90% sure he likes me back, the distance isnt that far, not as far away as last time! please god, please let this work, let me have happiness this christmas!
418. Thanks, God.
419. He let me in. :$
420. I know I can get him back.....
421. 61 days God. 61 days.
422. He keeps on lookin at my page, he said he doesnt want anything to do with me, ive left him alone, its likes hes constantly checkin up on me, and i dont like it, its a horrible feelin seeing his name on my page.. coz i miss him so much :(!
423. No-one knows what im really feeling.. i jst want to cry on a sholder and be hugged!!
424. Could you make all nasty words disappear from the world, because they hurt so much..?
425. number 422, ur amazing, dont let him get u down, u cant get over him that easily, believe me im still trying to get over uknowwho! but if u keep at it, itl work out in the end! we love you xx
426. I hate living. Yet, I keep on. The sad thing is, it's not really for them. Yeah, I love them. God, I love him. I love him so much. I love him, so I push him away and break his heart. That's not why I keep living though. No, it's becasue I love the pain. I love the feeling I get after the blood has been shed. I love trying to OD and never suceeding. I love it all... Is that so wrong? I ask, but the truth is, I don't really care. Aren't you happy that I'm not a fucking liar, like you? - Your Mistake
427. You make them abuse you, don't you? It's really cool, and it's even more cool when only I understand why you do it. You make them abuse you for my sake, don't you?
428. Why does she want to tell me what to wear and when to wear it?! IT'S RIDICULOUS! "Oh, you see all these other girls and they're so smart." So? I don't care what i look like! "You have no bottom in that." I DON'T WANT PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME, ALRIGHT?! Please, get her to LEAVE ME ALONE!
429. i'm sorry for anything, and everything, and yesterday, i just got carried away, and i'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry for ever trying anything bad, i'm sorry for being such a screw up, and for being such a bad person, to where my parents hate me, and just let everything slip by for anyone else. I'm sorry for anything and everything that happened in the past, which i have promised to never do again, and i haven't. I'm sorry for anything and everything that happened in the past which i promised to never do again, and i have. I'm sorry for all the mistakes i made, I'm sorry they make my mother so mad, it never should have happened. I'm sorry for ever hurting anyone, intentually, or accidentally, i guess it doesn't matter how it happened. I'm sorry for anyone i ever let down. I'm sorry.
430. i feel bad because i miss him more than her, even though he's still with us, just not WITH US but, i saw him everyday and we talked everyday, and i only saw her once in a while
431. i DO miss her, even if it doesnt show. It just hasn't sank in yet, it's still not real. it's like any normal day, it's not like i saw her everday. Christmas will really make it sink in, then it will be more real than anything. It's gonna suck.
432. what's it gonna be like now???
433. Was it really her time?
434. who would have guessed it.....It happened in a heart-beat.
435. Who's gonna tell him it happened? How's he gonna take it? Please don't let him be hurt. That really wouldn't help him get any better. Tell him not to cry, because we are ALL here for him, always and forever.
436.What was your biggest mistake? What was mine?
437.I try so hard, but, why does it still hurt?
438.Thanks for him, he's my hero.
439. I'd kill to be beautiful....
440. Sometimes I wish Things were different....I broke my streak...
441.She's my best friend in the freaking world. I've done everything for her. So why does she still treat me like shit?
442. If we're all created in your image, what does that say about you?
443.I was doing so good...I just couldn't take it anymore...I can't believe I did this again...I wish I wasn't such a fucking retard :'(
444. I wish he would just Kiss me already.....
445. Dear God, thanks for making it good so far. Dont fuck up man. I cant deal with that.
456. What will he do when I have to choose? What will I do when I have to choose? I know who to choose but I mean, I cant leave him...
457. Nothing ever gets better...What's the point...
458.I cry myself to sleep at night...
Not because I need something to cry about to get attention.
But because I have too much to cry about, and I really don't want all that attention.
I can't tell my mom or she'll make fun of me. I can't tell my sister because she'll tell her boyfriend, and he'll make fun of me for the rest of my life.
I can't tell my best friend because she'll tell me to get over it..
459. thanks for bringing him into my life, im so much happier now, i feel like i can move on and not have to pretend to be something im not when i talk to him. looking at the last guy he seemed perfect, he was beautiful, he was sweet but now i look at tom and hes perfect to me, im falling for him.. thank you god, but please dont let me mess up.
460. Wash me from my mistakes, from the hands that touched me. Erase those hate bruises, filter my used-ness. Don't let him touch me again. Give me the strenth to forgive and forget....
461. oh. my. god! i love you god.. uv heard my prayers, thanks so much!
462. Why do i bruise so easily? It's a pain that i have to use concealer on my legs.
463. Hey God, if you really are up there, please hear me out. That's right. I'm asking you this time. Not yelling. No, this time I'm pleading. Make me strong. Let him see what he's doing to himself. Don't let him end up like me. Please... I don't want to lose him. I know I don't show it, but I care. Oh, and thanks. For these friends you've given me. I don't deserve them. But they're helping. Please, just don't make me lose another one. - Your Mistake
464. How can they do this to themselves, i know it's a stupid question....I used to do it, and i'm slowly going back to it, BUT.....I pRoMiSe I wOnT dO iT aGaIn! I just wish i could stop them. It makes me so sad to see them doing that. I love them...ALL...I just wish they would listen to me. I know they know i love them, but that doesn't stop them.
465. Im sick of people, blatently bitching about me im not fucking stupid you were lookin over at me with ur crap eye-shadow and bitching about me with MY gf not yours lol!!
gggrrr.... fucking people, atleast my true friends dont bitch about me.. and you bitching about me and then sayin tht life is gettin you down, im not fuckin surprised!! wish i could jst leave this place and never come back!!
466. BITCH simple as...
467. right il make a deal with you, il be nicer to people and go to school if you make it work with him! i wont hide my feelings if u make sure i dont get hurt, because i dont think i could handle that again!
468. I dont want to cry anymore.. and if the only i can do that is to be without you, then thats maybe what i should do :'(!! 6months on monday.. doubt we'll make it, i dont want to be alive anymore *sobs*, :( i wanna hug :'(!!!!
469. Amazing, 468 wrote down exactly what I've been going through this weekend (not about You, God, but him)... Send your angels to comfort the author of 468, let him/her know that there is another soul in the same agony...
470. i wanna die, im sick of life! yeah i sed i didnt want to cry anymore and we might b better off without eachover but i cant imagine life without you..
I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE!!!!!471. I cant take my eyes offa you.
472. How do I make him forget? I know its wrong, but this will be the last time, I swear.
473. I love you, and you say you love me. but then please stop looking at other girls and sending them messages about how hot they are and how cool blah blah blah. no one gets to choose what they look like. if i could, id be just how you want me to be. but i cant.
474. its still me. and another thing. please dont let me have cancer at 16 years old.
475. Why do i get worked up abotu stupid shit like this? I wish i could just feel comfortable and confident and do whatever the fuck i want without feeling like im going to get into trouble. I havent done anything wrong.
476. I have.
477. 54 Days God. 54 Days.
478. how can we be so great online but so crap on the phone!
479. Ut si nihil declaro...attende, domini?
480. i'm pretty sure i did something i wasn't supposed to.
481. I'm not going to write Dear God because i don't believe in a God... That stupid bitch stole my man, but they ain't together anymore. I'd love the thought of him being mine again, i wish and hope that we will get back together, and that they won't. He doesn't deserve me i know, but i still want him....
482. i lied to one of my friends, well, maybe a couple more than one, i feel really bad, but, i basicly had no choice. And if anyone else asks about "it", i'm gonna have to lie again...
483. She apologized to me. For all those months she made me feel like shit, she finally apologized. that means a lot to me. and i hope she meant it. I'm pretty sure she did, but you can never be sure. I just dont know why she did it. She just all the sudden came out and said it. I wasnt expecting it at all, because i never have told her how i feel, because she just gets mad at me and tells me i am seeing things that aren't there (But i knew they were). I wonder how she knew. But hey, maybe my apology to you for everything, let go of some bad things, and she really wants to be a "true" friend again.
484. Why do i get the feeling i cant trust what he says? hes upfront and assures me he is genuine. im confused! like really confused
485. Knowing that you liked me.. for a little, makes me feel great, it makes me smile so much, then makes me sad knowin ill never know you properly..bt then i think about all the things you did, all the things you said, about me about my friends, the people you dont know, the people you dont want to get to know coz of people have called the 'dead' and you just joined in you SHEEP!! i know i have something better than you! and you're not going to ruin that again for me, by getting involved, yeah i miss you.. bt its jst i miss your slushiness the way u used to talk to me, reassure me about you liking me everytime we talked! bt now, you can jst fuck off!!
486. What will it take to get them to listen?
487. What will it take to get them to stop?
489. Don't they see how they are hurting their friends, their blinded, we sit there right in front of them, throw them hints, and yet, they just don't get it. They Just Don't Care!
490. God, i feel so bad about what i have done, and to sit there and tell them to stop, but thats it for me, i've stopped, now they need to, theres no getting threw to them, THEY WON'T But they dont see how bad it hurts us. we hate it we tell them how we feel, but look at them now, worse than ever, nothing we can do. It kills me, and for all those things i feel bad about for not being able to fix, they sit here, with something, ican actually try to fix, yet, they wont let me. They Just Dont See
491. Pissed Off
492. I didn't really fall.
493. I Wont even try to make her anymore. I wont try to stop them anymore, just let them do what they want, It's Not Worth It If they THINK their lives are so horrible, that they have to do this, even though they all these friends who care so much, and literally BEG them to stop, let them!
494. So mally, you're gonna know who I'm talking about. So the ever popular jesse, who fucked me over, Apologies's months after, knowing he was wrong and that he got proved wrong. it made me laugh. but i wrote him back saying he's forgiven, because its's god's way yada yada. I'm just glad he finally apologiezed.
495. Why cant I Have him back..
496. I'm thinking the same thing no. 495
497. actually feeling good right now, except i think im loosing my best friend, she never seems to want to come out with us! but apart from that im ontop of the world!
498. Sometimes It feels like we're never going to be the same again.
499. I think Im...Lesbian, I cant tell anybody. My mom would disown me. My boyfriend, who i love more than anything else in the world would be shattered. Is it weird that I still love him? Maybe im not after all? Im so confused.
500. I prayed for you last night.
Please continue Overleaf.
.My Messages To God.