1901. I think that you came too soon...
1902. The fact that I don't feel wrong feels wrong.
1903. I just triggered myself to go and hurt myself. And now I'm sitting on my hands, trying not to, wanting to, knowing I shouldn't... I'm just afraid he'll take off my clothes and see marks and expect me to talk to him.
1904. I love myself because you loved me first. Happy mothers day mommy!
1905. THIS IS THE PERFECT MOMENT TO LET GO.
1906. I always felt that my life could never change the way it did within the last five years. My depression and thoughts of suicide, they all seemed so perfect then... I miss her so much. She made me happiest and always
will. My faith in You has waivered much over the past five years and I apologize. I cannot help it anymore. I am not what I once was.
I love You
You. Not Him, that Child who died for selfish Mankind
. My Lord, my Father, please, I love You, and forgive me if my thoughts are incorrect... my mind is made up... there's no turning back...
1907. He doesn't have the courage to tell them how completely and totally mental he is. How exhausted he is. He doesn't have the ability to tell them that the reason they wouldn't understand is because there's no way that he can explain in five minutes what's gone on the last two years. No way to convey that sort of heartbreak. No way for them to understand why they caught him sobbing in the break room. No way to tell them that all he wants is for her to care about him again. To hear that something bad happened to him and be genuinely worried and scared for him. To look at him and say to herself "This is an amazing boy." like she used to. He doesn't have the courage to tell them that this tears him apart every night. That every day he says "I'm done crying." then just crys himself to sleep again that night. He doesn't have the courage to tell them that he'd give anything to hear, again, those carefully kind "shush"es from her telephoned lips or that cute little "Hi" that she'd always answer the phone with, because she knew it was him calling. Not the courage to say that if she would just...plead to call him one night, even when he had no intention of not letting her, he would melt. He doesn't have the adamant to say he just wants her to need him again. He just...wants to be her fallen seraph one more time.
1908. I couldn't figure it out God, I coudln't grasp what it was I am missing. Where's my friend, God? My real friend, my best
friend? I'm so alone without one... I'm alone for everything. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to be there for me when I need it most. I need someone there when I'm so scared of him that I need to get away. I need someone to love me...
1909. "He's so hot for her he's afraid he's radiating."
1910. My futur is going no where. No education, no friends, no family, no will, and soon...he won't be around anymore either. Sometimes, God, I wish I led a normal, mediocre, life...sometimes I wish I'd never met him, maybe then I'd be going somewhere, maybe then I'd have something more important to my name.
1911. I'm hungry. I should buy some popcorn.
1912. I FEEL BETTER!
1913. And she knows she shouldn't, but she hates wanting him. Hates herself for wanting him. Hates the weakness of her body that it would respond to him. Hates the feeling of desire humming in her veins. It feels like a sickness to her, burning in her throat, and she wants to throw up. She hates that his touch can feel good, has the capacity to feel good, and she hates that she wants more of it. She hates it. She hates herself.
1914. *sighs* I guess in reality, we don't always deserve another chance.
1915. Back again.. It's been a while.. Things are looking up, but I doubt things'll ever be as good as they were with him.. Well, I say good.. I mean bad. I miss him. But I miss the other more. :)
1916. He smiles and touches her cheek, gentle. "You have to go." He tells her. And she nods, looking away. "I know." He runs a finger over the line of her jaw, and wraps his arms around her, loosely, though, letting her go. "There will be other boys," he tells her. Serious, but calm. A statement of fact. Not jealousy. "There will be other boys, and they'll be good. Life wont be like this once you get away." She smiles, weak. "I know." "I mean, think about it. There's gonna be a ton of other guys in Bellingham." She nods. "Yeah, and Seattle's gotta have a thousand. There must be at least one other good boy there." He brushes her hair off her forehead. "You have to leave, as soon as you can. You have to leave here." And she bites her lip and leans closer to him, grateful. Grateful that he's not going to make this hard on her. "I know." He looks away from her for the first time, out the window. His eyes look glassy, but she mentally shakes her head. It could be allergies. She doesn't want him to want to cry. "I'll miss you." He says softly, and she nods against his chest.
1917. He's adorable :) I love him.
1918. Why don't I get anyone to call when I want to cry? Why don't I get anyone's shoulder to lean on? Why don't I get anyone to vent to? Why?! It's not fair! It's not!
1919. Sick. Sick to my stomach. Tired of this shit. Bruises. Sores. I am sore. Fuck. I hate everyone. I hate me. I hate. Beaten down. Beaten up. Stepped on. Squished. Death. Suicide.
1920. Touch me until I forget why I'm crying. Drown pain in physical sensation. No doesn't mean no anymore, it means keep going until it's yes...
1921. So... I've been abusing painkillers...
1922. I want to be perfect.
1923. Can someone tell me that I'm not doing the wrong thing...?
1924. For every one she takes, she wants to take another one. For every sip, another swallow. It'll kill her, and she knows it, but she always feels like he needs just a little more.
1925. It's funny. Everyone always thinks of love in terms of a relationship. Where two people love one another, you know? That period of time where everything is going right. To a lot of people, that's all that love means. No one ever thinks about the real love. The kind that keeps going, even after the relationship has ended. The kind that persists through every adversity. The kind that is often unwanted by one or both people in said ended relationship. The kind that makes things hard. The kind that loses sleep. The kind that makes focus an impossibility. The kind that just. Won't. End. No one ever thinks about how painful real love can be. They say "I'll love you forever." But when the chips are down, and she's gone, and you really do love her for forever...it can be...unpleasant. To carry on an every-day life, the simplest of tasks, eating your breakfast, tying your shoes, starting your car, performing at work, listening to a song on the radio. It can all seem so...painful. Real love. Real love, unfortunately, truly is forever.
1926. Where do I go? What do I do? I can't fix my life anymore, I've messed everything up so bad. I failed. I failed miserably. Drug addicted, abuse...lots of it, mentally and physically. And...a high school drop out. My family hates me. I hate my friends. I'm sick of the bruises, I'm sick of the desperation and I'm sick of all the let downs. I want to be normal, I want to be me again. I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm not meant to live. I'm meant to exsist. Maybe he's right, maybe I should stop thinking...I'm not good at it. Maybe I'm as dumb as he tells me I am. Maybe I'm as much of a failure as my father forces me to believe. God...please help me....I need someone to tell me what to do. I need help fixing what I've done. I need you to get rid of me...or change everything. Please...
1927. you know, I don't understand this anymore, time after time after time.. I just feel hurt.. there isn't a right one for me? like now.. he wanted to sleep with me, i refused and now we're just back as friends as normal? Doesn he not think how i'm supposed to be feeling? So i have to give into sex for us to be more than jsut friends? What do i do..
1928. Hold on to the memories. Hold on to your friends. Hold on to what makes you who you are. This is how I'm going to survive. Look past the hurt, look past the things that've gone wrong. Look past the horrible things that you can't bear to think about. Live life. This is the lesson I've learnt. And God, I need your help to stick with it.
1929. God, I'm alone. Who do I talk to? Who can I trust with that big of a secret? If I told anyone, they'd all go after him, pitch forks and all. Which is why I have yet to say a word. Does that make me pathetic? I love him. I want to be with him for as long as I can...but either he's going to break my heart into millions of pieces or...he'll kill me. "Selina, Amber, Lindy" Those were the three names I fear the most. God...can you make Andrew love me?
1930. The things he thinks is helping our relationship are the same things that let me know it's all coming to an end.
1931. I lied when I said he didn't hurt me. The man I love and am supposed to marry pinned me to the ground and hit me until I couldn't see straight... all while I'm carrying our child. Of course that hurt me. Only his mother knows how much. He promises to get help when he gets out of jail... and I know he will, but I'm still scared. I go to see him today... I miss him so much. I've been sleeping in our bed alone... cuddled up with his shirts because they smell like him....this hurts so bad I want to die...
1932. What part of this is fair?
1934. If i am here does that mean i was meant to be? And if so...why? Why do ppl care? even when i know they care just to make themselves seem more humane.
1935. I miss them. Why do I miss them!? I shouldn't, it's driving me crazy. I love my family so much but I can't live with them. It's not possible. So why is this being by myself thing so hard? It's eating away at me one little bit at a time. I can't handle it anymore...
1936. I'm afraid to be feeling this way.
1937. Glad to see that Duncan fucker getting death. So is my mom. She says he deserves it.
So... Why doesn't my brother?
1938. How am I supposed to choose between love and happiness?
1939. I think i love Dec.. but why am I so hurt by Kev?
1940. I talk to you often, but not often enough. I know and I'm sorry.
1941. Thank you for all the great things in my life, My family, My friends, My struggles & my will to live. I know if it weren't for us I would have died June 31st but still alot of things don't make sense to me.
1942. Last year was the best year of my life and I thank you even though I wasn't living up to your standards.
1943. Help me figure this ridiculous mess out.
1944. april 19th. make it work.
1945. A lot has happened in the past several months. I realize it was all for the best, and that now my future is looking brighter, I feel so much happier. =]
1946. Life has finally worked out for me. I hope it stays this way. =]
1947. what the heck?!?!?!
1948. I finally hit him back. I found out that on top of the mental and physical abuse, he was cheating on me. Now what? He is a good man... I'm not ready to give up on him yet, but I'm so fucking close to killing him or myself that it's not even funny. *sigh*
1949. i'm glad i met you
1950. I love him. I've spent the last year and a half by his side, wether wrong of right, through all the shit, and I'm terrified he's changing his mind again. He and I have survived a pregnancy early in the relationship, we've survived his mental illness, we've survived his court battles (started by him hitting me in the first place) I don't know if we're going to survive the drug habit though. I love my angel. He's never been perfect, but he's always known me, and loved me the way he should have. I don't want perfect. I want beautiful chaos. I want someone that gives me as much shit as I give him. I love this man. I'm just terrified hes' going to be dead. I don't want to have to expliain it to his daughter. I'm scared he's gonna slip tonight.
1951. I've changed my mind about Marriage. I've changed my mind about love. I've stopped trying to think "This is the one. This is the guy I'm going to marry"... I've stopped trying to get my hopes up only to watch them fall back down in the end. I believe in love. and I believe in marriage. But I don't believe in trying to plan any more. I tried to do it once, and it failed horribly. I'm in a new relationship now......well.. for the last two years any way... And I haven't even thought about when we'd be married...or if we'd be married at all. I'm just happy knowing that he's happy that we're together. I'm not sure what I'd do if it were to end. Keep living I guess. But I love him. Enough to realize and say that I do every day. I don't have to convince myself. I don't even have to Try. I just LOVE.
1951. I used to write on here alot about all the little things that used to hurt me but they never really mattered, now, however...my life is a ruined piece of worthless shit. Ièm about to lose my kob for stealing money but if I didnt steal the money than id be poor and my boyfriend wouldnt be happy and I would have to pay for that later in tears and bruises and hatred. so what do i do now god? Almighty God....what the fuck do I do now?
1952. Thanks, G. Keep up the good work.
1953. And thanks for all ten of these fingers. They work great! Fine craftsmanship. Real fine. *wiggles fingers*
1954. Also, thanks for allowing Bob's Diner to be able to give great food at low, low prices!
1955. God, why would you give me another child, just to take her away? Five pregnancies. Five. I have two children. I suppose I should be thankful for the two I do have... and I'm glad I have them, but why constantly torture me with hope just to take it away?
1956. I really need her, God. I really, really need her. Today, when she told me I should go jump off a cliff, I felt that. And it pulled me down and I'm drowning in myself, again. I know I messed up, but what about second chances? Four years is a long time and you can't tell me that she just forgot about that. Please bring her back to me soon, God. Please? I'm physically ill without her. This place brought me to her. Maybe it can bring me back to her. I need her.
1957. She is never coming back. Someday she'll have her happy life and it will be with someone else. And she will get married to someone else. And she will have a child with someone else. And she will grow old with someone else. That's just the way it is. I WILL get over her.
1958. For three years now I've been completely wrapped around his finger. We have children together, we have also lost children together. We have done everything from acid to court battles. We have super highs and super lows. During the lows, everything falls apart. During the highs, I'm absolutely on top of the world. I cannot survive without him. I may have done something stupid, but God, you know where my heart lies, and so does this man. Give me the courage to finally marry him. Give me the courage to say 'I Do' and to keep up with all the other things that are good for me like therepy and work. God, I love you.
1959. It's been quite a while since I have prayed like this, you know what I mean. I tap into myself to speak with you, I tap into outer-lying forces to speak with you but for some reason I feel as though you might not TRULY hear me unless I speak to you in writing & for some reason I feel a lot 'safer' I guess you could say, by speaking with you through this wiki rather than writing in my journals. But moving on. As you already know, I was going to start college, I was about to land a 'dream' job (at this time,) I was going to move to California & be with the man I love & REALLY start living my dream, the dream I have had since I was too young to remember. Everything was pat, God. I know you have plans and I understand that this isn't what you want for me but I'm really having a hard time. It's all gone. Everything I had going for me is null, I watched everything I've worked for and was so unwordedly excited for slip right before my eyes in a matter of ONE 15 minute phone call. So, this is where I have to ask you, Is it better to have no dreams at all or watch them all crumble before our very eyes one at a time, EVERY time? I've been blessed to be on your green earth for 21 years, you know all the hardships I've dealt with through all these years, you have seen me fall & pick myself back up on NUMEROUS occasions, You have seen me do it all by myself & you will watch me do it again with this situation. I will keep going & I know that I will be ok if I can just keep going. But God, truth be told, I am so tired of fighting. I see all my old classmates and friends moving forward, starting their lives and families, making something of themselves. I try to move forward but EVERY time I think I have something I have to witness it getting trumped. I am scared, terrified. Please let me have something. Please.
1960. I love him dearly, but he cheated. I planned a future, we were trying for a baby, we had a miscarriage and were to be engaged. I want him to be happy, but until he is content with himself he will never be the man I fell for. I'll be fine without him, and I will find love eventually that will be long lasting. But until that day, thank you for the strength you have given me to take every day as it comes.
1961. I see pity in people's eyes when they find out I am a single mom. Don't feel bad for me, I left an abuser and now we have a chance at being happy. I made it out alive.
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.My Messages To God.